An Age of Mysterious Memories

As Kinzul arrives with Luni, the sweep of her skirt against my face as she passes by the sofa wakes me and Teuila. I become quickly alert as I glance around in worry for Zorro, but apparently he’s nestled back inside my pouch next to the dracorocnix egg again. He’s either quite a well behaved, or quite a sleepy elemental, or maybe both. I’m not sure elementals can actually get sleepy, so he’s a bit weird, but it’s endearing.

As Kinzul directs us to her bed, she chooses an odd arrangement. Motioning us in, Kinzul has Teuila take the wall spot, then me, then Luni, and she takes her largest human form, while extending her wings, in order to cover the three of us with a wing, and to hold us all close as Te spoons me and I spoon Lu. Yawning, I’m about to ask Kinzul if she wants or needs me to catch her up on anything specific, but she can already hear my brain, and she wears a sad, grateful smile as she shakes her head. Teuila’s out like a light instantly, while Luni is buried under a pile of emotions such that I can’t reach her, and I’m swiftly drifting off to dreamland once more.

Waking at what is probably an unreasonably early hour, I find Teuila sneaking away to either go exercise to train, or find more siege forces to fight. Which, I guess *would* just be exercise training for her at this point. She smirks at me and offers me the shush gesture while using odd combinations of her powers to move around silently. Since I don’t feel like I can get back to sleep again now, I levitate myself out of bed, pausing momentarily to kiss Luni lovingly, tenderly, and then kiss Kinzul similarly.

When Teuila hears my brain, she pauses outside the den, and waits with her lips puckered for her own good-morning kiss. Chuckling, I tease her for only a moment, so she gets me back by lunging at me, and I’m forced to catch us in a telekinetic grip so we don’t go crashing back into the room and waking everyone. Still, I happily give myself over to the passionate kiss as I float us around, away from the room. Teuila then kisses the pouch about my neck, before we both get geared up in our usual adventuring equipment and clothes.

My Wings has been doing a lot better, since getting to fight, and now having another outlet for her affection in Alanea. Her tumultuous ocean of emotions is easily half as turbulent, or even less, than it was when we were still struggling to deal with it just the other day. I’m glad for her, and proud of her. Her happiness is a precious gift that I want to preserve for eternity. Barring that, it’s a favorite song on a well-loved cassette tape I want to repeat as often as possible. I’ll treasure it, and be wary of harming it, aware of its fragile nature.

Te slugs me playfully in the shoulder, bops me gently on the skull, and taps my face as if slapping it, before smooching my nose and rushing off towards Solace’s entrance, and Mah’Ruke. As I’m about to head about my own tasks for the day, to seek out priority targets to set up further raids, and start coordinating things, I’m suddenly aware of Kinzul coughing for my attention from behind me. The pose that she’s striking in the doorway is—. I gulp. Glancing around, I make certain no one else can see the vision of radiant splendor, of perfect beauty, of marvelous magnificence, of—.

Smirking, Kinzul draws me to her to interrupt my train of thoughts in its mostly pointless spiral of flattery. Interrupt she does. Now, incredibly disoriented, I wobble as I try to get my bearings. My wife beckons to take a seat on the nearest sofa, so I do. Gazing at her with curiosity written in my furrowed brow, I await her speaking, but instead, she awaits Luni. Lu grumbles, and is very obviously not feeling like a morning person, once again, as she staggers out towards us, and hisses at the mild brightness of the glow-lichen.

It’s almost comical, but I feel bad for her. Kinzul motions to Luni who grumbles, grunts, sits, and turns to address me grumpily, “You could have taken your time. Either at the Heart, in the ‘Twixt, or in Jeegoobotstan, or all three. You rushed all three. You deserve the connections you make sweetie. Gorramit all. Huff. I get that—, that you want to be everywhere you’re needed, at all times, and be present any time there’s danger to someone else, but you can’t be. How much dragonforce did you burn getting us above the storm sweetie? How much?”

Flustered, blushing, my gaze is downcast as I admit, “I, um, went from three-thousand six-hundred ninety days, down to twenty-nine-hundred days worth of mana-sickness aegis. There may or may not be more filtering in from some of the dragons whose forces I’ve collected, but, yeah. When I died, something like four thousand days of dragonforce disappeared. I’m—, sorry.”

She’s right. I do keep treating what is, for me, a very finite resource, as if it’s expendable, disposable. Seven-hundred ninety days worth of dragonforce, to take a trip through the Worldstorm safely. I certainly couldn’t do that too many more times. I inhale a shuddering breath. I’m struggling not to drop into a spiral of self-loathing for upsetting the ones I love. I’m shaking with the effort of it. I know Lu isn’t trying to cause that, and she’d be upset if I did spiral. I, I just. She’s so right. I’m so careless, and, and flippant with my own life. Who was it that said my life is worth more than the offal I treat it as? Was it my mentor Jarrah Bettergrove? I—.

Motorboating the air to help wake herself, Luni interrupts my train of thought, “I’m sorry sweetie. I’m grumpy in the mornings. That came out way harsher than I intended. Jarrah’s right though. It is. You don’t know what your cure entails, if you’ll magically instantly have it, or instantly know it, after the right number of dragonforces. Or, worse, if you need to collect and maintain seventeen of them, you’ll never get there by burning through them so quickly! There’s still plenty, but there are only so many ancient dragons on Rayileklia babe. Sorry, Kinzul and I talked about it. She was worried about what happened to those two portions of the storm, the one that got weather controlled during the fight, then whatever you did with your new Latent stuff. She figured I’d know, even if I wasn’t right there when they were done. I did, of course, but still. Argh, I’m sorry sweetie.”

Gulping back a sob, I fight my saddened frown to nod along with Luni. Struggling to speak, I apologize, “I’m, I’m so sorry. You’re right, Lu, Kinzul. I did, I do hurry, and, and in some ways, I think I’m always rushing headlong towards death, whether I know or think it at the time or not. I don’t know how to be different, to be better than that. I can’t imagine not putting everything of myself on the line, every minute, until all these stupid dangers are resolved.”

Tears drip from Kinzul’s cheeks, and I’m aghast at myself for having caused them. She mops them momentarily before addressing me, “My love. There is always danger in the world. In any world. Your candle can only be re-buttressed so many times. There is no end to danger, but there is an end to you. There is an end to all of us. I wish to—.”

Resolutely, I nod as I interrupt, “As you, I wish to delay it as long as possible for all of you. Obviously myself included, but—. But I don’t prioritize my survival. I guess that’s the issue, huh?”

The two, amazing, thoughtful women both nod in response. I sigh for quite a while. In total, I lost four thousand seven hundred ninety days of dragonforce, maybe five thousand seven hundred ninety, depending on if Rahjmeztus counted, yesterday. I wouldn’t even survive that cost if it occurred again today. I’m still uncertain if Rahjmeztus counted, but I don’t think he did. They’re right. It’s like every time I go out, I rush more, and use up more and more dragonforce than each time I did before. We at least curtailed some of the accidental expenditures, like preventing further angstsplosions. I try not to rely on it in most fights, other than a brief manifestation of my Honoris Causa against ancients, or in order to try to request surrender, except against things like the Damnations, for the most part.

I feel miserable. I know that’s not what they’re trying to do. They’re trying to get me to look for the other options. They’re trying to get me to stop seeing my very life as a cheap tool to throw at problems. They’re right. Burning through a precious resource to get home twelve hours earlier, when the siege was obviously handled, was—, huff, it wasn’t smart. I wasn’t desperately needed. In what amounts to the tiniest bit of my defense, I didn’t know how much it would cost when I tried it, but that works as much against my defense as for it. It was a stupid gamble. That’s kind of how I play everything though. I gamble it all, at all times. I hate the metaphor playing and gambling, since it reinforces the idea that I don’t value my life. I do though.

All I can do is promise to try to be better, to be more patient when there is less danger, in order to assess needs and risks. Kinzul responds to my thoughts, “That is all I ask my love. You do so much, at all times, for all of us. You’ve brought miracle after miracle to Solace, and new family as well! Even should the miracles somehow persist past your own life, that—. I’m sorry. You’ve already agreed to try, and that is all any of us can do. This situation brings to light a promise that I need you to make my love. Though he hasn’t done it even once yet, of any other body, Lil must eat my heart from mine upon my death. I know he intends to disregard the promise I requested of him upon adopting him. If he fails to do this—. Should all else fail, if he will not eat of my heart to imbibe my dragonforce, you must at least imbibe the force, but my heart is for him.”

A full artillery battery shells my heart from inside my chest. I’m struck by violent, twisting explosions internally. The sorrow and worry across my face stretches and contorts it as my tears begin to form. Why, why would she ask this of m—. The prophetic painting. She knows, of course she knows, we all do, that I’ll be standing near her corpse some day. My muscles twitch, spasm, then tighten and lock. I can’t breathe, let alone speak, or think clearly.

Sensing Luni hiding her own face as tears run down it, and Kinzul still shedding the occasional tear, I struggle against myself. Fighting the weight of my emotions, the paralysis in my muscles, the fate of the world that I wish to deny, I respond, “Of, of course. I promise. I will beg Lil to eat your heart upon your death, should it ever come to pass, and, failing that, I’ll—. I’ll drink of you. I will fight heaven, hell, and fate itself, to avoid it coming to pass, but I promise to do as you’ve asked.”

There’s an accepting smile that conveys, “I know you will,” despite Kinzul saying nothing.

Feeling utterly wrecked, emotionally destroyed, I no longer feel capable of tackling any of the things I wanted to accomplish today. My eyes spin in their sockets as my head lolls weakly. Luni sits closer to tug my head to her breast, while Kinzul stands to glide past us, and set a hand momentarily on each of our shoulders tenderly. My wife smoothly, regally glides away to administrate, to do what needs to be done. I could almost find humor in the slight hypocrisy of it all, since Kinzul was involved. Out of everyone in the world, she’s the one who has doled out the most of her own life force. It’s not the same though. She’s right.

Heaving a sigh, I nuzzle, forgetting where my face is, and Luni smirks, but doesn’t tease me just yet. We’re both still hurting. I wrap one arm around her belly for a short while, before I start to recover my senses, and my muscles. Luni mentions something about seeing me soon, or maybe later, but she heads off while my brain is still parsing what she’d said. Slowly standing, I rattle my skull, and head out of this more private den, towards Kinzul’s destroyed, exploded den, and the hallways past it.