Dungeons Are Bad Business

Though her challenge wasn’t for another four hours, Darlene Curlytail woke up and rolled out of her feather-soft bed. A wave of pain washed through her senses, and she groaned. Her hips, shoulders, and knees were all stiff and aching, but she didn’t yet have the energy to stand and limber up.

Her body was turning traitor. How long had it been since it hadn’t hurt to do something as simple as waking up and getting out of bed? She couldn’t remember, but knew that such a time must have existed.

Hunched over her knees, Darlene sat on the edge of her bed for a few minutes, trying to will the pain away. It didn’t work.

A creak across the room caught her attention as her husband opened the door to their sprawling bedroom and smiled at her. He was dressed in loose, comfortable clothing and looked as if he’d been awake for a long time already. It didn’t matter to Darlene that the tips of his ears were now gray instead of brown and that he was a little softer around the middle than he used to be, he was still the most handsome kitrekin she’d ever seen.

Like him, she was getting older, and her while her muscles were as well-defined as ever, her fur was both thinner and coarser than it had been just a year ago.

Might be time to start thinking about retirement.

That’d have to wait for another time. Today she was still [Dungeon Champion]. Today she had to focus on emerging victorious from Wormwood Fairy Arena. There’d be plenty of time for introspection later.

In her husband’s paws was a glass filled with bubbling orange liquid, and he handed it to her as he sat down beside her and started rubbing her back. “Good morning, my love,” he said as his paws relieved some of the stiffness from Darlene’s shoulders. “Did you sleep well?”

“Mhhmm,” Darlene said as she took the first sip of her traditional pre-match concoction – a mixture of might, stamina, and energy potions – and shuddered. The citrus flavors all blended together in a cloying mess that coated her mouth and throat and made her want to throw up. But still, she forced herself to finish the entire thing and handed the empty glass back to her husband.

“I’m going to the hot room,” she said as she forced herself to stand up.

That too was part of their routine, for her husband smiled and gave her a quick kiss. “Good luck today. I love you. If Magni and Serah finish their book reports, we’ll all come watch you, okay?”

Darlene grunted to show that she’d heard, and then it was off to the hot room. It was a big, pentagon-shaped space that was filled with a constant stream of balmy air. The stone tiles were all pleasantly hot to the touch, and Darlene settled herself in front of one of the air jets to take a little nap while the potion worked its magic. Before falling asleep though, she rolled around a little bit, grooming herself while basking in the glorious heat.

Her muscles were already feeling a little better, and she dozed off for the next hour or so.

When she woke again, she was relaxed and comfortable. Sitting up and stretching didn’t hurt, and straight from the hot room she went to her private workout room to move her body and get herself ready for the challenge.

She didn’t do anything particularly strenuous, just spent a few minutes on her flywheel machine and did some light calisthenics. All she wanted was to shake the rest of the sleep away and get herself ready to perform.

Then it was time for breakfast – cold fish fillets and a heaping plate of eggs with plenty of ketchup – and after that, another short nap.

With her preparations all done, Darlene walked through the hall of her mansion and checked in on her kids.

“Good morning, mama!” Magni said as she gave him a big hug. “Good luck today!”

“Can we get ice cream tonight if you win?” Serah asked. She was smaller than her brother, and liked sweets perhaps a tad too much.

“You’ll have to ask your father,” Darlene said with a smile. “Now listen to me, you two. I want you both to get your book reports done this afternoon. They’re due tomorrow, for goodness sake!”

Like magic, both kids protested at the same time, and Darlene gave them both one more hug. She kissed her husband again, and then it was off to the dungeon.

The inside of Darlene’s armory was filled with all sorts of weapons, armors, and other accessories. They’d all been her kit at one time or another. Horace, her boss and the [Dungeon Master] of The Emerald Delves liked to change the dungeon up every few years. He said it was good for business if people didn’t get to used to a single style. He’d even gone so far as to abandon the experience that had given the dungeon its name. He’d traded the mining theme – with carts and broken rails and all manner of extra chances at treasure and replaced it with a sprawling mountain climbing course that culminated in a race to the top of a floating inverted pyramid against Darlene.

Shaking her head, Darlene pulled on her heavy, [True Grip]-enchanted {Gloves} and fastened her {Utility Belt} around her hips. While not having to worry about armor and weapons was a nice part of the current dungeon theme, she was bored with the frantic sprint to the top of the pyramid and all of the stupid gimmicks that went along with it. She longed for the days of simple, honest battles between herself and the adventurers, when she could just let her instincts take over and didn’t have to think so much.

When she was ready, Darlene left her armory and made her way to the champion’s entrance of Wormwood Fairy Arena where she’d wait until it was time for the challenge to start. How she hated the arena’s new name! For the last decade, the dungeon’s biggest sponsor had been Valkyrie Sun, an old and respected bank. But a few months ago, they’d suddenly dropped their dungeon sponsorship and Wormwood Fairy, the discount absinthe brewer, had gotten the naming rights to the arena. What a disgrace.

A pair of [Dungeon Sport Reporters] made their way towards her. They were both tall, thin and tan. In fact, they could have been twins, except for the fact that one dyed her hair blonde while the other left her natural brown hair alone.

“Champion Curlytail, do you have a moment to talk about the upcoming match?” the fake-blonde asked. She was giving Darlene a [Radiant Smile], but through decades of exposure to such skills, the kitrekin champion was unaffected. Still, Horace was clear about these things. She had to at least make a show of participating in the pageantry. It was what the people wanted, after all, and it was good for the dungeon’s bottom line. Come to think of it, it was good for her own pocketbook too. After all, nobody wanted to buy plush figurines of a [Dungeon Champion] without any personality.

“Of course,” she said with a small bow and a faked grin. “What is it that you would like to know?”

This time it was the second woman who asked a question. “How did you prepare for this challenge? As you know, the adventurer, Lucian Hallowse, is one of the Top 30 Adventurers To Watch, according to the [Analysts] at Dungeon Sports News.”

Without missing a beat, the first [Reporter] jumped in. “He’s great. Just a young kid, really looking to prove himself out there. Are you concerned about how you’re going to deal with him?”

Darlene sighed. She’d long since stopped caring about the specifics of any adventurer. Regardless of what their paperwork said, they were all the same. Still, she knew that she couldn’t say that, and so with a flick of her tail that she hoped the [Reporters] would mistake for excitement and nerves instead of irritation, she said, “My training program is pretty comprehensive, so I mostly stuck to that. I think my strength and experience are going to help me get a lead and win today, but I’m not taking Mister Hallowse lightly. I’m expecting a tough match.”

As one, the [Reporters] grinned at her and nodded. “A tough match indeed. Thanks, Champion Curlytail, best of luck out there today.”

Grateful that the interview hadn’t taken too long, Darlene nodded and walked away. Though her entrance to the arena was mostly soundproof, she could feel the vibrations from the crowd rumbling down through the walls and ceiling. Her tail puffed up a little bit, but she took a deep breath and forced it to return to its normal size. It’s just a match, like one of the thousands I’ve done before. There’s no need to be nervous.

She bounced around a little bit to get her blood moving once more, and waited for the small yellow light in front of her door to turn green.

When it finally did, it was time for her to go out and get to work.

The first thing that Darlene heard as she walked out into the sunlight was the roar of the crowd and the elongated stretch of her last name by the [Announcer]. “CUUUUUUUUURLYTAAAAAAILL!!”

She reached up with both paws and waved, then leapt into the air and did a single flip. When she’d been younger, she’d gone for two or three arial twists, but these days, one was plenty.

Looking out at the arena, Darlene felt a pinch of sadness. She remembered the first time she’d seen it: a great inverted pyramid floating in the air, crackling with energy and with more moving pieces than a baby’s activity table. The sections that required climbing were intermixed with large, flat platforms for both contestants to rest and show their fighting skills against various dungeon minions and [Mini Bosses]. Over twenty portals and vents – the best that fleurs could buy – were located around the arena’s walls. They were there to help competitors regain lost time if they were knocked off the pyramid by minions or traps. Or by their opponent.

Also flying around were the dungeon’s lone concession to the safety measures imposed by the union. Forty [Cloud Dancers] floated back and forth through the sky, ready to catch either competitor and prevent a minor spectacle from turning into a major public relations headache.

There’d once been a magic to the arena that was long gone now. Looking at the pyramid, she saw that she’d drawn the proverbial short straw and had to ascend what was called the Heartsbane Path, a treacherous series of upper-body-strength testing rings. She’d practiced traversing it enough times now to not be worried about losing her grip, but it was tedious and time consuming and would let her opponent get ahead early. Oh well, that was probably what Horace wanted anyways. He liked it when the crowd thought the adventurer was going to win big only for her to stage a rousing comeback in the last moments.

Darlene looked across the wide gulf of the arena, trying to spot her opponent. There he was, near entrance three. He wore a blue tunic and carried a large, spiky mace. What was his name again? Lucius? Langston? Doesn’t matter.

“Good people of Adlez and those watching all around the continent, I hope you’re ready for an exciting show, because today’s challenge here in Wormwood Fairy Arena is going to be ELECTRIC. Our challenger has purchased the activation of [Static Field]!”

Darlene swore as the crowd erupted into cheers and jeers and a faint blue light covered the entirety of the pyramid. [Static Field] was an aura that made your hands and feet go a bit numb while you remained in contact with the pyramid, and it meant that her trek along Heartsbane Path was going to be even more unpleasant than usual. She glared at the adventurer though she knew he couldn’t see it. Darlene had a simple rule for being a [Dungeon Champion]: if they make your life hard, you make theirs hell.

The [Announcer] finished his introductions, and started the match by activating a large horn crystal that rocked the entire arena. Darlene sprinted forward and jumped into the vent at the end of her platform, which sent her flying through the air towards the pyramid. As she landed, she lost sight of her enemy, but that was fine. She’d get updates on his position from the [Announcer]’s commentary and could focus on making her way up to the first of the pyramid’s footpaths.

She was grateful for her gloves as her paws wrapped around the first of the many rings that she’d have to swing between in order to climb. They dulled the shock of [Static Field] a little bit, and she hurried through the first dozen sets as fast as she could. As she moved, she felt the pyramid slowly start rotating. All the better to let the spectators see you and the challenger both, Horace had explained when he’d first shown it to her. She still hated it.

“And they’re both off to a quick start,” the [Announcer] cried. “Adventurer Lucian Hollowse is climbing the forest of ropes like he was born there! And look, he’s dispatched two, no wait, three silken spiders! That mace is deadly, folks! That’s quite the accomplishment! Have you seen the fangs on those things? I haven’t seen any fangs that even come close – other than the ones on my ex-wife! Ha! Meanwhile, our [Dungeon Champion] is steadily making her way through Heartsbane Path. I cannot believe how well she’s handling both the challenge of the climb and the extra challenge of [Static Field]! It’s not slowing her down at all! Now, that’s what it means to be a professional, folks!”

Darlene spat as she made it to the first of three checkpoints that would let her rest her paws for a moment. She stretched and caught her breath, bouncing up and down to avoid letting the aura do a number on her footpaws and then blazed through the second section of rings. However, on the third section, she missed her catch and tumbled through the air. She simply hadn’t been able to find a grip.

One of the [Cloud Dancers] zoomed through the air and caught her. He flashed his companions a thumbs up and carried her to the nearest portal vent.

“Bit of bad luck, there, eh Darlene?”

The [Dungeon Champion] didn’t respond.

“And that’s an uncharacteristic mistake from our [Dungeon Champion]! Maybe the [Static Field] took a greater toll on her than we originally thought. Meanwhile, our adventurer has taken his first key and is making his way to the next one. Remember folks, this is a race! Each contestant needs to collect three keys from the pyramid and then reach the top. Once they’re up there, the first one to use their keys to open the treasure chest will be declared the winner. Can Darlene make it up there in time?”

Hissing, Darlene leapt free from the [Cloud Dancer]’s grip and into the portal vent. She was back in the air once more, though this time due to the pyramid’s rotation she was going to land on the Staircase of Pain instead of having to deal with Heartsbane Path again. This section, despite its name, was one of the easiest first sections on the entire pyramid, and Darlene was grateful for her luck. She knew that she’d need every bit of help she could get to catch up.

Well, her own strength would help too. Darlene sprinted up the steps, ignoring the fact that her breath was catching in her chest. The few minions that popped up to try and stop her met swift ends, and she was only down half a section or so when she collected her own first key. The adventurer had gotten trapped by a pair of tier-six minions.

From there, the dungeon challenge settled into a rhythm, as both Darlene and the challenger collected their second keys and made their way to the pyramid’s third section before the final sprint to the treasure chest. Through a twist of fate, both of them had ended up on opposite platforms, which meant that they’d both have to face one of the dungeon’s [Mini Bosses].

As Darlene ran towards the rope ladder that would eventually take her to the top of the pyramid, Old Seth fell from the sky and landed heavily in front of her. Old Seth was a heavily jeweled golem wearing exquisite plate mail. In order to defeat it, one had to remove enough pieces of its armor so that it deactivated, which would open the hidden compartment on its head and allow the contestant to remove the key socketed away inside.

Darlene grinned and leapt onto the golem’s shoulder. Her instincts were kicking in now. She’d stopped hearing the [Announcer]’s voice as soon as he’d called that both her and the challenger had reached their platforms around the same time. She’d caught up from her earlier mistake and was now in a position where she had the advantage. She’d fought all of the dungeon’s [Mini Bosses] more times than she could count, and was certain to be faster at deactivating it than an adventurer doing it for the first time.

Once I make it to the top of the pyramid, I’ll wait a minute or two to see if I can’t give the adventurer a taste of his own medicine. We’ll see how much he likes falling.

However, as she ripped the first piece of armor free from the golem’s body, two golden beams of light appeared on the platform behind her and left Serpent Knights in their place. Darlene snarled as they moved towards her.

In addition to activating (or deactivating) a given aura, those who made it to Wormwood Fairy Arena could also pay a hefty chunk of fleurs to send high-tier minions to slow down the [Dungeon Champion]. Serpent Knights were some of these. Armed with wicked spears and heavy shields, they were both tier-ten minions, which would have made them more than capable of serving as the [Dungeon Champion] for plenty of dungeons around the continent.

Such strength didn’t come cheap: each Serpent Knight cost the adventurer a full thousand gold fleurs.

Her competitor really wanted to win. Or he had a bunch of money to blow. Didn’t matter to Darlene either way.

With a snarl, Darlene tore the second piece of armor off Old Seth and threw it at the nearest Serpent Knight. The creature was strong and fast, but failed to dodge the jeweled plate and was pinned to the ground by it. Darlene bolted over and slew it with a single [Furious Swipe].

The second Serpent Knight thrust its spear at her, but Darlene jumped over it with ease and dispatched it with a [Backbreaking Hug]. The minion crumpled, and Darlene returned her attention to Old Seth, who swung at her with the same tired movements she’d dealt with hundreds of times before. She finished ripping the golem’s armor off and retrieved the key from the golem’s head before the [Mini Boss] even hit the ground.

Thanks to the benefits of [Champion Regeneration], Darlene wasn’t feeling particularly tired, though she was dimly aware that she’d be bedridden for at least the next couple days. Luckily she only had to face a challenger once every couple weeks, which would give her plenty of time to rest and recover. Maybe she really did need to start thinking about an exit timetable.

Zipping up the ladder, Darlene saw to her horror that the adventurer was already on the top of the pyramid and sprinting towards the treasure chest. Falling to all fours, Darlene chased him and tackled him to the ground before he could insert his second key. They rolled around, grappling with each other for control. Darlene’s claws ripped through the adventurer’s armor, and the man’s spiked mace left dozens of deep wounds in her back and shoulders. But as strong as he was, down here on the ground Darlene was in her element. Bloody though their struggle was, it was short-lived.

Springing back up to her feet, Darlene scooped up the adventurer like she was carrying a bundle of laundry. She ignored his weakening struggles as she walked to the edge of the pyramid, slowly growing aware once more of the crowd and [Announcer]’s voice.

“This is for activating the [Static Field],” she muttered. “That hurt.”

With no other ceremony, she threw the man over the edge and watched him fall. Before he’d traveled any real distance, one of the [Cloud Dancers] zipped through the air and caught him as if he weighed nothing. Giving a thumbs up to indicate that the adventurer was safe, the [Cloud Dancer] carried Lucian towards the nearest entrance, where a team of [Healers] and [Medics] were already assembling to see to his wounds.

That was that, then. Triumphantly raising her paws in the air, Darlene sauntered over to where the keys had all been dropped and picked up her set. She bounded up the steps and ripped the adventurer’s first key out of the treasure chest. After making a great show of looking at it closely, Darlene threw the key off the pyramid and used her own set to open the chest and formally win the challenge. There was another explosion and the air was filled with glowing pieces of confetti.

Darlene looked across at the [Dungeon Master]’s box and bowed to Horace when he gave her a small nod and a smile. She could almost hear his smooth voice in her skull.

Good job, Darlene. Another victory seized from the jaws of defeat. You truly are something special, yes you are.

The [Announcer]’s voice echoed in her ears. “And that’s it, folks! Once again, our [Dungeon Champion] has won the contest! What a race! What a wonderful exhibition of strength and talent! Let’s all give it up for our challenger today, Lucian Hallowse. That’s a young man with a bright future, mark my words!”

The crowd roared its approval once more and the sky shook, but it was like a whisper in comparison to the air-shattering howl they gave when the [Announcer] told them to cheer for Darlene.

Smiling, the kitrekin champion looked out at the sea of faces and felt their adulation fill every inch of her body. This was what it was all about. Nothing could compare to the feeling of being celebrated by thousands of people all at once. Nothing. Her husband, her children, they all faded to gray in her mind as she stood there and soaked up every bit of praise.

Basking in the glory of her victory, Darlene let out a primal roar and leapt into the air to flip once more. This time, she did three complete twists before landing.

All thoughts of retirement were pushed completely out of her mind.

Darlene's Character Sheet:

Darlene Character Sheet:

Primary Class: Dungeon Champion (Adlez), Level 53

Secondary Class: Brawler (Self), Level 47

Might: 165

Wit: 124

Faith: 77

Intimidating Presence: 70

Guts: 62

Endurance: 84

Agility: 100

Charisma: 93

Stealth: 91

Heart of a Champion: 44

Vigilance: 30

Ambition: 65

Nurturing: 40