Gardenia of Blooming Desire

I went to the worker bathroom after I escorted Young Lord back to his room. My chest felt too stuffy. I went inside one of the toilet stall and sat there. The serfs were all working, so no one would hear a nineteen years old man sobbing inside a toilet.

I didn't want to cry. Because it felt shameful for a grown man like me to cry, especially as a slave who already experienced the bitterness of life.

But to lie and stab Young Lord with my own words, and then seeing his reaction, it was worse than what I could've imagine. I didn't expect him to look so heart broken.

I wiped the tears that welled in my eyes. I repeatedly said sorry to Young Lord, but it was only in my heart. I didn't want to harm him at all. And I didn't want to cause trouble for him.

'Young Lord, I'm sorry. This slave is really useless.'

'We've only reunited for a day and I already hurt you...'

'You're never weak, Young Lord. You are the most perfect! You are brave, strong, dazzling, and...'

'And I have one thing that I regret every night.'

'That is because I couldn't follow you. I couldn't protect you in Golden Palace. I couldn't see you growing up for two years, took care of you when you were sick. I couldn't do anything.'

'But I am a coward, not because of you, it's because of myself. I'm too scared to defy Grand Duchess.'

'I don't want you to know my true origin, because you said slaves are filthy... And I was a sex slave, Young Lord, would you even want to look at me if you know that?'

'Young Lord, we're very different. You're always safe, always well protected. But for me, I could die if I say something wrong, I could lose my head if I did something wrong.'

I felt the pain on my chest was getting worse, it felt like someone gripping my heart. I had experienced the worst kind of treatment in my life, but I never cried.

'But why does it hurt so much to look at your grieve?'

***

I remembered that I watched all the guests leaving the Grand Duchy until the last carriage left the gate. I was about to go back to the hut before two shadow guards appeared in front of me and paralyzed me instantly. Then, they took me in this familiar place.

It was a lavish room with warm red rug, many expensive porcelain and furniture, but the owner of this room was never pleasant. Grand Duchess sat solemnly on her sofa. She was still wearing the same dress from Young Lord's party. She looked down on me condescendingly and ordered, "I need to talk to him."

With only one stroke on my neck, I could move my body again, although the part they hit was still painful. I kneeled in front of Grand Duchess, "This slave greeted Her Majesty Grand Duchess."

Thankfully, I still remembered that Grand Duchess bore the title of Her Majesty for some reason. Grand Duchess grew displeased and said, "Take off your shirt, my son gave it to you, right?"

"Y--Your Majesty, this lowly slave... begs your kindness, please let this slave keeps this shirt," I prostrated, but before my head touched the rug, she kicked my forehead with her heel and I tumbled backwards.

"I don't want a slave to dirty my rug even more," Grand Duchess sneered, "If you don't want to take it off, then my men would do it for you. Accept this as my grace."

I tried to recover, but two guards pinned me and took off the shirt forcefully.

"Milady, should we burn this shirt?"

Grand Duchess looked at the shirt, her expression was in between disgust and regret. "It's a pity, this shirt was personally selected by my son. But you should burn it, I don't want to touch a shirt worn by a sex slave."

I watched in agony as the shirt gifted by Young Lord was thrown into the fireplace and burned instantly.

"Now, I don't need to make a small talk with you. I know what you just did to my son in the garden. And I don't need to warn you anymore, I got tired already," Grand Duchess laughed ironically. "Well, I will find a way to punish you for that, later."

"But I have one order for you," Grand Duchess smirked. "Tomorrow, if my son asked you why did you leave the Grand Duchy two years ago, you must reply by saying that you're disappointed and scared, because Young Lord is nothing compared to Crown Prince and Golden family."

My breath shortened, if I really said that tomorrow, it would really hurt Young Lord.

"Your Majesty... if--if this slave said that to Young Lord, it would hurt his pride..."

"That would be even better, you must say it convincingly."

"But... but this slave is Young Lord's personal slave."

"It is as intended." Grand Duchess said pleasantly. "You know the consequence of defying my order, right?"

I was silenced with that one sentence. Defying her order meant... Young Lord might know his secret, or Grand Duchess might use another method to get rid of me, the worst that she could just kill me.

'And Young Lord... he might be saddened. But I'm just a slave, he would forget me soon after and buy a new one...'

My body trembled when I had this imagination of Young Lord finally forgot about my existence and move on easily.

"This slave dared to ask a question," I said.

"Speak."

"Why... would you do this to your own son. It will hurt him," I asked with low voice, afraid of the consequence of such question.

Grand Duchess chuckled, "You are just a stupid slave, you will never understand about it. But it is for my son's greater good."

I was agitated. I couldn't accept such easy answer. It was as if what she did to Young Lord was such a light matter, such a trivial matter that worth nothing but a glance. It was very grave for Young Lord and me.

"This slave begs Your Majesty! This slave is Young Lord's personal servant, I don't want to hurt him!" I prostrated in front of her with my head slammed to the ground.

"Oh, you know the consequence if you tell your version of story to him? He will hate me," Grand Duchess' face looked grim. Her grip tightened on the armrest of the sofa.

"If you tell him that I forced you out, you are going to sever my ties with him. You're going to ruin the close bond between a mother and son. He might leave the duchy out of anger and what could he do without my support? He could stand strong without anyone targeting him because of me!"

Grand Duchess kicked my head again with her heels. I covered my skull with my hands.

After Grand Duchess calmed down, she asked me again, "Now, tell me, do you want your Young Lord to sever his ties with Grand Duchy, deserted without anyone protecting him, or you want to do what I asked you to?"

I felt like I was making a hard choice, even though it wouldn't harm Young Lord at all. But it would hurt his pride. Of course, the answer was clear already. I would never harm Young Lord. It would be selfish for me to ruin his life only because of a worthless slave.

"This slave obeys, I will do what Your Majesty ordered this slave to do."

***

'I would never harm you, Young Lord. Even if you have to hate me.'

'But why is it so hard? Why can't my heart rest?"

I spent long time in the stall, and then I washed my face and left the bathroom. Since Young Lord dismissed me early, I didn't have anything to do.

When I entered my room, I saw a familiar man standing in the center of my room. He was one of Grand Duke's servants.

"You, Grand Duke is waiting for you in his office."