Inescapable Escapism

“Don’t worry. The teachers are all really good, so you won’t be thrown into anything you can’t handle,” Rodgers said, picking up on my hesitation. “Plus, everyone’s a little scared at first. It’s completely normal. I know that I was terrified before my first jump.”

I forced myself to smile as relief washed through me. He assumed that I was worrying about learning to skydive or scuba dive, not that I was being tortured by memories of what had happened last time. I was glad. There was no way I could explain the truth to him, and I didn’t want to, but it also worried me. I needed him to think that I was brave and fearless, and how I was acting wouldn’t do that.

They had chosen me to leave the induction wing first. I’d been the first person from my cohort to pass it, and that meant people expected a lot from me. They thought I could be better than I was, that I already was better, and I had to live up to those standards.

The memory of Mitch’s bloody body, of his hands pressed against the bullet wound on his stomach, were too powerful to ignore, but I forced myself to push them aside. They could continue to haunt me, but I didn’t need to pay attention to them. I’d just pretend they weren’t there.

“That’s good to hear,” I forced myself to say. “So… how do they work? The intensives?”

I did want to know. Something about them scared me, but I wasn’t sure what it was. Perhaps it was just the thought of having to actually jump out of a plane or being out on the ocean all by myself and far away from land. What would I do if something went wrong? What if the ship got a hole in it somehow, and I couldn’t stop the water from getting in? How long would it take for people to find me?

What if I did the intensive and then completely forgot everything I’d been taught? That seemed to happen every summer. I only had just over a month off, but afterwards, it always felt like my mind was completely empty. It took me a few days, sometimes longer, to get back into classes again, and I wouldn’t have time for that.

Another image, a new one, forced its way into my mind, and suddenly, I was in a plane. The door had been thrown open, and the wind buffeted me, almost knocking me over. One of my hands shot out, grabbing at the nearest wall and thankfully managing to close around a rail there. There was something in my other hand. A parachute. I was clutching it to my chest and frozen in place.

Gunshots exploded around me. Someone distantly shouted at me to move, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t bring myself to sling the parachute onto my back and fasten it into place. All I could do was stand there, unable to do anything. People were going to die, I realised. It was just like with Mitch all over again. People were going to die because of me.

“So, like I said before, they’ll be scattered throughout the year in blocks, and then, once you’ve had the initial intensive, you’ll have regular refreshers,” he explained as he poured even more syrup onto his waffles.

Relief slammed into me. Of course, they’d think of that. I should have expected it, really. The Academy was so much better than my normal school. I should have known that they wouldn’t just expect us to be trained in something once and then remember it forever.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. The frequency of refresher differs,” Rodgers continued. “I believe once you have your driving license, you’ll have a chance to drive once a month, and that’s for bikes, cars, and lorries. You’d be surprised how often that comes up in the field.”

He laughed, but it didn’t sound like he was joking. I felt myself lean forward, wanting to know more.

“Really?”

“Oh, yeah. I mean, I’m counting buses under the category of lorry because they handle pretty similarly,” he said, his expression thoughtful. “I think I had to drive one in… three out of the last eight assignments, which I guess isn’t that bad, but I’m glad it was drilled into us to practice regularly.”

“I bet.”

It was all I could think to say. My mind was too distracted, too busy trying to work out what could have happened on the assignments for him to have to drive a lorry or a bus. Every potential scenario that I thought of felt so far-fetched, though. I was pretty sure they were all just scenes from action movies I’d watched.

“It definitely helped,” he agreed. “That’s the most frequent one, though. Scuba diving is every… I want to say six months, and skydiving is… No, wait a minute. Maybe skydiving is twice a year. Give me a sec.”

“Okay,” I said, unsure if he expected me to speak or not.

I continued eating, trying not to let myself panic too much, as Rodgers pulled out his phone and typed rapidly. Fear continued to tighten its grip around my throat, making it almost impossible for me to swallow.

The refreshers would help, I tried to convince myself as I gulped down some water, hoping to clear the mouthful of pasta that was trying to choke me. I’d be so used to diving and driving and whatever else we were going to be taught that by the time I actually had to use the skills on an assignment, it would be fine. I’d go through the motions automatically, barely realising what I was doing until it was already pretty much over. I wasn’t sure if I did actually believe that, but it helped calm my nerves a little.

“Ah, okay. So, skydiving is every four months, with night jumps at least twice a year. I knew I got the six months from somewhere,” Rodgers said, more to himself than to me. “And scuba diving is once every six months.”

I nodded and took a deep breath as I looked down at my schedule again, hoping that another page would have magically appeared. If it told me about the intensives and when they were going to happen, I could start to prepare myself for them. Or I could tell myself that I only had a few more weeks to wait, and then I’d be able to start learning. I’d be ready for whatever was to come, and it would be scary, obviously. I wasn’t sure that jumping out of a plane would ever be anything other than that, but everything would be okay.

But the page didn’t appear. I shouldn’t have been disappointed, but I was. Magic didn’t exist in that world. It was never going to happen, and I should have expected that. Magic wasn’t real. It didn’t exist in any world. It was nothing more than a dream, a fantasy, and nothing more. If it was real, I would have found a world with it before then.

Even as I thought that, doubt began to pull at me. There were monsters. Horrifying beasts that were the stuff of stories, like the one I’d seen weeks before during the journey to Scotland. That thing had eaten people. It had been so strong and terrifying. Monsters like that were meant to just be a dream too. A nightmare. If it was real, could magic be too?

A strange prickling sensation burnt in my fingertips, and I felt my chest tighten as a sensation swept over me, making my head spin and my hands turn numb. My breathing caught, and I started to reach out, stretching towards the dizziness before I could stop myself.

Rodgers grabbed the bottle of maple syrup again, and I blinked, the movement pulling me back to the world. My eyes darted toward him, checking to make sure he didn’t notice how distracted I had been.

“That makes sense,” I said quickly, steeling myself before asking, “They’re not on my schedule yet. Do you know when the first intensive will start?”

I wasn’t sure if he’d tell me, but I had to ask. I just needed to know.

“I’m not too sure, actually,” he replied, cocking his head as he thought about it. “Shouldn’t be any time soon, though. They’ll probably wait until everyone is out of the induction wing.”

“Oh.”

It made sense, but I was conflicted. I wasn’t sure if I should have been disappointed or glad to hear that.

“Yeah. I mean, it just makes it a little easier for everyone and means you can be split into groups properly rather than just being with whoever is out at the time,” he explained. “They’ll probably start around the end of the year or beginning of next, I assume. Most people should be out of the wing by then.”

“What?” I blurted out. “That’s… months away.”

It was August. I was pretty sure about that. It had been July when I went into the wing, but time had passed since then. It felt about equal to real life, maybe a little slower, and that meant the end of the year was at least four months away. Surely, they couldn’t be in there for another four months, could they?

Rodgers looked almost uncomfortable as he slowly chewed his mouthful, and I couldn’t work out if he didn’t mean to tell me how long they’d be in there or if it was my reaction that was making him feel that way. I couldn’t stop staring at him, though. It just didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t understand.

“It is,” he said carefully.

“But…” I started before trailing off. My head was spinning, and it was almost impossible to form thoughts. “How?”

A slight smile came over Rodgers’ face, the expression sympathetic.

“Some people might need to be in there that long,” he told me gently. “It varies for everyone. Hopefully, they’ll be out sooner so everything can get started properly, but there’s no guarantee. It all depends on how they’re doing in there and how long we think they’ll need before they can transition into the Academy without getting completely overwhelmed. Not everyone adjusts as well as you did.”

My lips pulled up into a hesitant smile that I didn’t fully feel. I was still in shock. My mind was racing too fast, making it harder to accept his words or even really hear them properly. Part of me knew that I should be proud of myself. Somehow, I’d managed to make them believe that I was doing well. They thought that I’d be able to move out of the wing and do well in the Academy. That was a good thing, and I knew that, but my heart hurt.

The thought of not being able to see my friends for months caused loneliness to rise within me again, threatening to smother all happiness and excitement I’d felt about the Academy before. I thought it would be a few days, maybe a week or two, at most before I saw them again, but months? That felt like too long. It was longer than I could handle, and I didn’t want to do it.

Everyone in the school seemed so nice. They were kind to me whenever they came up to Rodgers, and it was clear they were interested in me, but that didn’t matter. The thought of being surrounded by them, of having to make friends with a whole group of terrifying new people who already had their own friendship groups, made my throat tighten and my breathing quicken.

It had been scary enough in the wing, and Katie and Abbie didn’t know anyone else. They were in the same situation as me, so that should have made it easier. I just wanted to see them again. I wanted to have my friends out in the Academy with me, not be expected to make new friends. It felt impossible, and I didn’t want to do it. Could I even do it? Did I have the ability? I was braver in that world, more confident, but it still felt like an insurmountable task, and I wasn’t sure where to start.

Maybe it wouldn’t be months, I tried to tell myself. Katie and Abbie were doing well in the induction wing. They appeared to be, at least. It was hard for me to tell, but I thought they were. Scott and Seth seemed to be too. Perhaps they’d all be out by the end of the week, and then I wouldn’t need to spend that much time surrounded by all of the new and scary people in the rest of the Academy.

But I knew that it was wrong. I was grasping at straws and hoping desperately, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t going to happen, but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t hurry it along or see them any sooner. The wing they were in was locked, and I’d moved out. The only way to get back in there would be to break in, and I wasn’t sure if that was possible. Surely, they had really advanced locks on the doors and cameras everywhere.

If I tried, they would know that they’d made a mistake. Ms Brice and the others. My actions would prove that I was not ready to be out in the school, that the faith they had placed in me was wrong. I would be letting them down, and I couldn’t do that. The mere thought of it turned my stomach.

What could I do? My heart sank as I tried to think of a way to make things easier. I wished I could somehow fast forward time, skip ahead a few weeks or months until everyone was out, but I knew that wasn’t possible. Time didn’t work like that. The only thing I could do was continue. I had to just pretend that nothing was wrong and that I didn’t really miss them that much.

My eyes found my schedule again. I had classes; they would help distract me, and then whenever I wasn’t in lessons, I could study and just focus on learning things. I was excited for that. I had been, at least. It was a distant sensation to me, something I couldn’t quite bring myself to feel anymore, but I had felt it once. Maybe it would come back.

The library. I could spend a lot of time there. It seemed like a pretty cool place. I’d get the chance to explore it and read so many books. There wouldn’t be anyone to distract me in my dorm room either, so I could spend every night alone and reading. That thought didn’t comfort me at all, though.

Movement in front of me caught my eye, and I looked up as a guy approached, speaking animatedly to Rodgers. I barely listened as he introduced himself to me. My mouth was moving; I could feel myself speaking, but I had no clue what I was saying. I was too distracted by another realisation.

Rodgers wasn’t going to have meals with me after the first day. It was a one-off, and then he’d probably go back to the induction wing or somewhere else. Then, I’d have no one. I’d have to walk into the canteen by myself, sit alone as I ate, unable to meet anyone’s gaze. They’d know. Every single person who looked at me would know that I was a loner and bad at making friends.

Just like in real life.

It would be too similar to how school went when Phoebe was off sick. It didn’t happen often; she didn’t like to miss things, but when she was ill, I had no one. Well, not quite no one. I always knew that I could go and find Duncan and eat with him and his friends, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. They ate in the canteen at school, and it was too loud in there. There was too much noise and constant conversations to keep track of, and I couldn’t do it. It was too exhausting.

Sitting in the library by myself or around the side of the school where no one ever went apart from me was a better option. It always was. I’d rather spend the time on my phone, scrolling endlessly through social media and pretending not to be bothered by how bad I was at being a normal person and making friends.

It did bother me, though. Every single time, it just reinforced how much of a failure I was. Most of the time, I was happy with Phoebe as my friend. She was all I needed, but when she wasn’t there, it was too hard. It made me doubt myself.

I hated that it was the same in that world, too. It was meant to be an escape, a place where I could be different and better, but it wasn’t. I was still the same person, and that made me want to run. I wanted to flee the world, not look back at it or even think about it until my friends were back there and I could return without feeling inadequate or lacking. I’d be surrounded by people I knew again. It would be fine.

The world started to fade slightly around me, the colours leeching out, but something stopped me from pulling away completely. Some small part of me clung desperately to the world. I did want to be there. I wanted the chance to learn and train and become a spy, and if I left, I’d be missing out on some of that. But it wouldn’t be permanent. I’d still gain that knowledge. My body, whatever was left when I exited a world, would continue to exist and attend classes. I could jump back in whenever I wanted, and it would be fine.

My fear of missing out became less frantic. It loosened its grip, allowing the world to slip away until I was floating in the murky nothingness of my mind. I didn’t want to go back to reality. The thought of sitting in that restaurant and pretending that the comments and jabs didn’t me held no temptation to me, but I wasn’t sure where did.

I needed to go someplace else. Another world. A new one that could be a fun distraction from the loneliness of my other worlds. Dizziness started to pull at my mind, but I couldn’t let myself give in. Memories of the last world I’d visited flashed before my eyes, and worry started to harden in my stomach. I didn’t want to end up in a world like that one. I needed somewhere fun.

My fingertips started to prickle again, the tingling sensation spreading up my arms as tempting dizziness attempted to drag me away. Magic, if that was what I was feeling, could be fun. It would be. I could shoot fireballs out of my fingers, fly through the air without needing a plane or jet pack or whatever, or throw someone across the room with my mind.

Distrust reared within me, and I felt myself jerk away from the prickling dizziness as a realisation hit me. Every single book I had ever read that had magic in it also had evil people. That was the whole point of the stories. They were always about oppression or tyrannical leaders or fights between good and evil, and that wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted something light and easy, not to join a revolution or be hunted.

So, I had to avoid worlds that had magic, I realised, trying to ignore the disappointment that thought caused me. I’d go to one at some point, I decided. Once my friends were out of the induction wing, and I felt ready to face a potentially terrifying world, I’d go. It would be fun, probably.

My attention returned to the swirling darkness around me. There were so many worlds, so many options. They seemed to jostle each other, competing for my focus and trying to pull me in. Dizzinesses washed over me, each one a different and new sensation, but I barely paid them any attention before dismissing them.

What I was doing was strangely familiar, I realised as I let my head spin for a few seconds, causing the world to start to solidify around me before I changed my mind. It felt almost like I was flicking through options on the television, searching through streaming platforms for something to watch, or scrolling endlessly on social media and not really caring about what I was seeing. I was just looking for something to pass the time.

Images started to flash before my eyes as I caught glimpses of the worlds I could slip into. They were blurred, the colours distorted, and the people around me strange. A map was spread out before me, the corners held down with dented metal flasks. Dark liquid was speckled across the ancient paper, staining it, and as I watched, more splattered onto it. The blood was coming from me.

I pushed the world away, and my vision faded to blackness for just a moment before brightening again. A man with teeth filed to a point smiled at me. I should have been scared. The expression was hungry and threatening, but my heart was free of fear. Instead, a laugh tumbled from my lips as my grip tightened around the knife. My eyes squeezed shut, and I fled the world before I had the chance to see whatever was going to happen next. It was the wrong world. That wasn’t what I was looking for. I wanted…

Bright, dazzling lights flashed in my eyes, and I couldn’t help but stumble into the world as I threw my hands up, barely caring about the drink I was holding. The music pounded so loudly that I could feel the vibrations in my chest. Sweat slicked my forehead as my body moved, but I didn’t care.

I was lost, perfectly lost, in the music. My mouth opened, and words slipped out. They were lyrics, screamed along with the band on the stage. I didn’t know them, but at the same time, I did. I knew every single song, every single melody, and I was going to sing them all.

With a jolt, I ripped myself back and looked around, allowing reality to appear around me. My heart was racing, both from exhilaration from the gig and fear. Fear that I had slipped up and said something, sung something, in real life. But the table was silent. Hushed conversations continued around us, but we did not speak. No one was looking at me. I was safe.

Letting out a sigh of relief, I slipped back into my mind. It was closer. That world was almost what I was looking for. I needed it to be fun like that but quieter. Singing or shouting would make me anxious about real life, but there had to be a compromise. A world I could go to where it was quiet but still fun and exciting.

A new dizziness came forward, offering itself to me, and I started to reach out towards it before hesitating. I wasn’t sure what made me pause, but something did. It felt almost like an alarm bell was going off in my mind, alerting me to a danger that I couldn’t quite see yet.

Was it that world? Was there something dangerous there? There could be. Some of the worlds were scarier than others; they felt more perilous than others, but there was more to the sensation than that. It wasn’t just emanating from that one world but many.

Going to any world was a risk. I wasn’t sure why exactly, but I knew it was. That girl, the one locked in the lab, had told me so. Anna. She’d said I should stick to places I knew, ones that I was sure were safe, and I wanted to trust her. I wanted to do what she said, but if I did, it meant I was trapped.

All of my worlds, the ones I’d been to already, were unsafe for me. I couldn’t go back to them. I was either dead, in jail, or… heartbroken, and the thought of returning was just too hard. It made my stomach sink and my chest tighten. There had to be another option. A world that was entirely safe.

A sensation hovered at the edge of my mind. It was timid, tentative, but I could feel pure excitement and anticipation radiating out towards me, filling my body with energy until it felt like I was about to take flight. Fear and concern clouded my heart as I examined the feeling, trying to work out if anything malevolent hid within, but I found nothing. All I could feel was…

My hand snapped out, and a heavy, familiar weight slammed into my palm, but my gloves activated immediately, taking the brunt of the impact. There was a moment, a slight pause where the world was utterly silent, and I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made a terrible mistake in coming to that world, but then, the crowd exploded.