Shades Of Forever

...Sky. Wake up.

Early morning light stabs at my eyes. I'm lying in a clearing on the forest floor.

Wait. This is too much light. Why is it so bright? What happened to the canopy?

You... overextended, Sky. I had to retreat before we perished.

Brief flashes of memory pour through my head. My anger at not being able to access the infonet. More anger at MacWillie and Huckens. Sprinting out of the village at nightfall, determined to save everyone. Buried under a nightmare of scraping legs and oily moisture and the pain kept-

It's over, Sky. We're safe. I brought us back to the forest.

I rub a hand across my face blearily. That still doesn't explain why it's so bright.

...Sky. You died. I warned you what would happen if I had to take over.

Suddenly frantic, I look around the clearing, searching for a specific tree. When I see it still standing, MacWillie's diagnostic equipment draped across its sprouting length, my body feels a thousand times lighter.

Obviously I wasn't going to consume Wires' tree. I'm not an animal, Sky.

I look around the rest of the clearing, then draw in on myself. At least three, no, four of the forest elders are missing, the patch of bare sky growing overhead. Whose ancestors did I consume to keep myself alive? Whose memories did I destroy?

tasty

I shudder at Pete's satisfied tone, and try not to consider the implications of my actions. At least I got half of the components MacWillie needs for the incognito field.

No, Sky, we didn't. Remember how I warned you that if I had to extract us, you'd only keep what we came with? Those components are still on the ship, and now they're right underneath the anchor that killed you.

A dark funk settles over me. I'm worthless. I ran off like a little one having a tantrum, and all I did was waste time and resources, made things more difficult for myself in the future. Why am I so dumb. Maybe I should just die for real next time, let Box take over for good.

Sky, this isn't healthy. I don't want to manipulate your hormones, but I will if I have to.

"Don't change how I'm feeling. That's not okay, Box."

I won't if you start moving back to the village. Sitting here isn't doing anyone any good.

Listlessly, I crawl my way to my feet. What am I going to tell MacWillie? What am I going to tell Broom, and Great Grandpa? They were trusting me to keep the trees safe.

One foot in front of the other, Sky. There you go.

I make my way slowly through the pale white trunks, their shifting crimson canopy not filling me with my usual joy. All I can think of is that growing patch of open space, a cancer I'm creating.

We can plant more trees, Sky. We just need to spend time harvesting biomass. What we take can be replaced.

I come to a halt, unable to look up from the ground. I don't want to listen to Box's justifications. I just want to be miserable.

...can you at least be miserable back in the village?

"...fine."

I find a way to start moving again, but before I make it five steps, I hear a crashing in the undergrowth. Seconds later, MacWillie and Huckens emerge from between the trees, both breathing heavily.

"Are you okay, young Sky? Box sent us a data node about what happened."

"...oh. Of course."

The reminder of my inability to use the infonet is another weight added to the pile.

"How... how did you survive?" Huckens asks, eyes wide. "There were violations everywhere. That should have killed you."

"...it did. Box brought me back."

"The prototype can do that?!"

I am a Mark Three Paracausal Interface Coordinator, Combat Version (modified)-

"I know, Box." I start trudging forward again, stepping around a bush. "You're modified."

"You look like an Idiot who touched the hot stove," the bush says.

"Gah!"

The three of us flinch at the unexpected voice, Huckens nearly falling over, and Dirt stands up. There are bags under his eyes and he's swaying slightly on his feet.

"It is good to see you still alive, Sky Idiot. Broom was concerned when you left last night without telling anyone where you were going."

"How does he do that?" Huckens whispers to MacWillie, who shrugs. I look at Dirt, not knowing how to explain my failure. A sudden smile lights up his face, and he laughs at me.

"Sky Idiot, surely you are not vain enough to think you are the first Idiot to ever make a mistake?" He doesn't give me time to respond, instead grabbing my hand and pulling me into a quick stride through the trees. Stunned, all I can do is follow, MacWillie and Huckens on my heels. "Every Idiot touches the stove eventually," he continues, oddly cheerful. "The important part is that you are alive to learn from it. Come, come."

We emerge into the early morning village bustle, Crafters and Builders and Waters and Miners on their way to their daily tasks, the rich scent of fresh darkfern loaves already rising from the Bakeries. My stomach grumbles, reminding me that I really didn't eat anything last night, but Dirt leads me past the serving table just starting to fill with breakfast wraps that can be eaten seated or on the go, depending on how late one wakes.

"You two should have your meal," he calls back to MacWillie and Huckens. They slow, looking concerned, and Dirt grins reassuringly at them. "Do not worry. I will bring Sky to you afterwards." MacWillie looks like she wants to say something, then just shakes her head and turns to the serving table, beckoning Huckens to join her. Dirt continues pulling me towards the southern part of the village.

"After what, Dirt?" I ask, some emotion leeching back into my voice. "Where are we going?"

"First, we talk with Broom." He marches us through the front door of the Idiot Archive, the entrance sparsely filled with a dark-haired Idiot I don't immediately recognize, busy filling out some sort of paperwork at a side table, and a weary Torch sitting behind a large desk flanked by two doors leading deeper. Dirt nods at her as we pass, aiming for the rightmost door. She looks just as bedraggled as he does, but her eyes light up with relief when she notices me.

"Oh good," Torch breathes out, "you're not dead. Maybe now I can get some sleep. Broom's in the recollection room," she adds to Dirt.

"Thanks, Torchie. Go to bed after you get Stove. You look terrible. Even more than usual."

"Yeah, fuck you too, Dirt," trails after us as the door swings shut behind, but there's no malice in it. The interior of the Archive is similar to the Memory Shrine, shelves of tattered journals and an occasional piece of clothing or weapon, but they all pass in a blur. My mind is stuck in a loop, dark corridors filled with gnashing teeth and claws, waking up in a too-bright clearing. I let everyone down.

Dirt allows me my silence through the winding hallways leading down amongst the roots of the tree the Archive is built around, which I try to appreciate, but even that's a struggle. Eventually someone's going to snap, yell at me for my stupidity, and I'll deserve it. Finally, we emerge into a cool room gently lit by strings of overhead lights, rows of glass cases filling it in every direction. Something about the walls feels strange, but I can't make myself care about it at the moment.

Broom looks up from the case she was examining, dark circles under her eyes, and Dirt leads me over to stand next to her. Without saying a word she gathers me into a tight hug, strong arms pulling me close. My own arms hang limp at my sides, my heart pounding in waves of shame and guilt.

"I'm so glad you came back," she whispers, giving me one last squeeze, then lets go of the embrace. I try to speak, and eventually the words come out in halting gasps.

"...I couldn't do it. I couldn't protect everyone. I'm sorry."

She shares an inscrutable smile with Dirt, a slight upwards quirk of the lips, then places her hands on my shoulders.

"You made a mistake, Sky, but that's okay. Everyone makes mistakes, especially Idiots. In fact, you could say that's our entire job. To find the mistakes so the village can avoid them in the future. You're not the first Idiot to come back battered and broken, and you won't be the last. We have a protocol for this."

"...we do?" Somehow her accepting tones are soothing the tension quivering my frame. I'm still waiting for her to yell, to be disappointed, and even though a part of me knows it's irrational, that I shouldn't be thinking like that, that no one in the village would ever do such a thing, it can't find purchase in my mind. Broom nods firmly.

"We do. The first part is figuring out what we learned." She guides me over to a pair of wooden chairs set against the curious walls. As I get closer, I notice they aren't set against the wall, they're actually growing out of the wall, a collection of thin white rootlets woven together from the countless strands crossing over themselves that encompass the entire room. Stunned, I barely notice my knees bending to let me down to the surprisingly comfortable seat.

"This... is part of the tree?"

"It is," Broom acknowledges quietly, sitting next to me at an angle that lets us face each other, "and it's where we keep our oldest records, but that's not important right now." She takes my hands. "In your own time, Sky."

What did I learn from my mistake?

"I... couldn't do it. I can't get the components from the ship." My lip trembles. "I'm not strong enough."

"Not strong enough yet," Broom corrects me gently. "From what our two new arrivals have told me, you will be, with some help."

"But who can help?" I snap, frustrated. "I'm the only one who can fight those things, and now we only have two days left! MacWillie said we need to get the incognito field up as quickly as possible and I..." I start sniffling. "I ruined it."

"You haven't ruined anything, Sky," Broom replies, patting my hand, and next to us Dirt nods, handing me a cloth to wipe my nose. "We talked with the Chief Outsider Engineer after you left, and she said there is still time to do what needs to be done, even if you didn't succeed."

"...there is?"

"There is, and now we've learned something valuable. What you want to accomplish isn't solely within your power to achieve. As Idiots, we protect the village, but we don't do it alone. There are others who will help you build the strength to do what you need to do, Sky."

As if to accentuate her point, the door we entered from creaks open, and Stove Mind enters the long room. She walks over to us, adjusting her spectacles, and Broom steps away to let her take the seat.

"You're doing fine, Sky," Broom tells me, giving me one last enigmatic smile. "We're all still alive to keep learning."

"Thank you, Broom," Stove says as the two Idiots exit the room. She fixes her eyes on me, an understanding gaze I've seen countless times before. "How are you feeling, Sky?"

"A little better," I admit, "but not good. I tried to save everyone and it... didn't work."

"Do you think there was a way that would have worked?"

"You don't understand," I burst out, more emotion boiling back into me. "I have to get those parts! No one else can do it!"

"But did you have to get them right away? Was there anything else that might have helped?"

"No!"

She hums softly, eyebrows drawing up in mild disbelief, and I flush. What am I doing. Lying to a Mind is impossible.

"...MacWillie said I should have gotten the molecular forge first. And, I guess Box tried to warn me." I cross my arms, trying not to sulk. "...maybe even Huckens."

"And can you think of any reasons why you would ignore them?"

"...I was angry." The feeling comes roaring back, the frustration and disappointment of needing something and being unable to understand enough to use it. "I wanted to use the infonet, but I couldn't."

A brief flash of confusion flits across her face.

"I'm sorry, Sky, I don't know what an 'infonet' is. Can you tell me?"

"It's like..." I try to remember how Box described it, "like if the Memory Shrine and the Archive and the Doctories and all the knowledge of the village was waiting in one place, only there's so much more!" My arms unfold, hands waving enthusiastically. "Stories of the other humans out there! What they've built, what they've done. They can fly through the sky." My hands fall back to my lap. "And I can't see it."

Stove's eyes are almost as animated as my previous gestures.

"That sounds wonderful, Sky, and I can understand your disappointment. So much to learn..." her voice trails off wistfully, then she regains her focus. "I understand. Is it normal to be able to access this 'infonet' right away?"

"...no. Box says it takes years, that the diaspora humans grow up learning it from the time they're little ones."

"And do you think learning how to use it in one day is a realistic goal?"

"...no." She's right. It sounds silly when I look at it that way, like a little one wailing because they can't walk yet. "It's going to take time. A long time."

"Good!" Her voice brightens. "That's a much better outlook. Now, what concrete steps can we take to get there? What is achievable now, that will get you closer to that goal?"

"Uhm, practicing with Box every day? Not getting frustrated when something doesn't work?"

"Yes to the first, but I think we can do better with the second." She adjusts her spectacles again. "It's not a good idea to try and make yourself not feel an emotion. Your feelings are valid, and it's important to accept them. However, I'd like you to not think of that emotion as 'frustration,' I'd like you to reconsider it as 'impatience.' You're confident that if you work hard, you'll reach your desired result, right?"

"...yes." I can't imagine not doing everything in my power to access the infonet.

"Then let yourself experience that journey. Just like the little ones move from crawling to walking, with falls and failures before they finally reach that first step, allow yourself to be patient with yourself."

I take a moment to consider her words.

"But what about the village? If I don't get those parts, we're all going to die."

"Is that this problem? Or a different problem?"

"...different problem."

"So what can we do to solve this other problem? You said your friends had feedback that might help?"

"...they do. I should have listened to them, but I didn't."

"Do you think they'll still help you now?"

I picture them in my mind. MacWillie, bluff and almost unshakeable, a mountain masquerading as a woman. Huckens, annoying and peripheral, yet still somehow concerned for my well-being. Box, who has never left my side since the instant we joined together, changing itself so I can change for the better.

"...I do."

"Then I think," Stove smiles, "that you don't have to do this alone, right?"

An ember flickers into life in my chest, gradually spreading through my entire body. It's the soothing comfort of knowing that I don't have to do this by myself. That other people understand, that I can lean on them, just like they can lean on me. That a village isn't one person, it's a thousand roots combining together to keep the tree upright even through the strongest gale.

I rise from my chair, energy surging through me.

"Thank you, Stove Mind. I have some people to apologize to, and then we'll figure out how to keep the village safe. I promise."

I'm out the door before I can hear her response.