Vaudevillain

Dylan cackled as he watched himself on the projector screen while his group of players finished separating into their teams. Eager expressions were all around, the excitement building to a crescendo. And far be it for Dr. Zlo to ignore the hype.

“Ladies! Gentlemen! And those who refuse to be bound by convention! Prepare yourselves!”

The crowd turned to him. Dr. Zlo stepped forward, pointing at his morality machines.

“First off! As any good villain knows, the true capabilities of my machines are hidden! While the heroes might think they need to be placed inside, that is not the case! As if my genius would keep such a weak point. No! All one must do is place a single item of their person into the machine!”

The players murmured at the news, plans already in the making.

“Second! We have five specific targets to conquer! As I’m certain you know, one of them is my own illustrious alter-ego! The others are heroic shams of Dextra, Shizuka, Riptide, and Sweet Dream!”

A smaller projection appeared overhead.

“Using Dextra and I’s combined genius, we have discovered items of importance for these affronting alternates!”

A picture of each item appeared, with text of who had which item. Dr. Zlo’s alternate was a book labeled “Scrapbook of Adventures!” and was filled with polaroids of the hero posing with captured villians. Sweet Dream’s had a gold medal, Riptide’s was a surfboard, Shizuka’s was a cracked metal visor, and Dextra’s was an old but lovingly cared for CRT monitor.

Dr. Zlo flourished. “Those of you who are able to secure the items and use them in the machine will be handsomely rewarded! Though, I have no issues with anyone just tossing the offending heroes inside without all the hassle.”

The players nodded in understanding.

“Third!” Dr. Zlo shouted with a thrust of his cane. “My machines are durable and are lovingly crafted to interact with powers as best as they can! Which in layman’s terms means…” The villain gave a low chuckle. “Go nuts!”

The players cheered.

“Now, to your positions!” Dr. Zlo said with a point.

The first wave rushed forward as a highlighted area appeared around the morality machine. “Everyone inside the lines unless you want to experience a decidedly unpleasant feeling!” Dr. Zlo shouted.

At first, it seemed as if everyone would have to pack like sardines due to the size of the square, only to be surprised as the box expanded when people started to spill over. Dr. Zlo looked slightly upset at the fact, as if he wanted someone to fall prey to what was about to happen.

A minute passed, the Dr. Zlo on the large projector laughing as the video counted down to his inevitable victory. At ten seconds, the crowd started to chant. At five, the first group tensed, ready for whatever was about to happen. At zero, a klaxon sounded.

The artificial gravity around the morality machine flicked off, and everyone inside soon found themselves in a freefall. A laser opened from the top of the machine, its red glow a beacon and target. Some of the players shouted in alarm, while others whooped in joy as they plummeted to the city below.

“Your target is the center of the city!” Dr. Zlo shouted. “Now, break a hero’s leg!”

Numero laughed as the artificial gravity fell away from the bottom of Skyline, leaving him and his friends in a moment of suspended weightlessness before the pull of the world again asserted itself. The wind began to rush, a deadening hum that grew into a roar as they plummeted to the large glass skyscraper. His friends whooped in joy beside him, the fear of falling completely overwritten by the knowledge that their only consequence for failure would be a respawn.

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That wasn’t to say Numero wouldn’t try his best to survive.

Truthfully, he didn’t know if his power would work well enough for a freefall, but he was certainly willing to try.

“Plus one durability,” he muttered as he focused.

It was a gimmick power at first. The ability to add plus one to anything. A joke he’d come up with to mess with his friends.

Turns out the power was a lot more useful than he gave it credit. Sure, the buff had a time limit, but it refreshed after every use. Not to mention the cost was low enough that some regeneration powers had easily offset the upkeep. Now, Numero was a villain who slowly grew stronger the longer he fought, which he’d learn to love to play into.

His partners in crime, Magical Girl Guillotine Regicide and Hunky Jack, fell along with him. One with a leisurely grace, the other with all the subtlety of a brick.

“You alright there, Numero?” Hunky Jack asked as he spun in his lazy fall.

“Of course he’s alright,” Magical Girl Guillotine Regicide said. Numero thought she was smiling from the tone, but it was hard to tell with the bubble of fire that had formed around the girl.

“Yeah, durability is high enough now,” the villain said. “I’m working on perception at the moment.”

“Good call,” Hunky Jack said. “The quicker we find action the better.”

“Yeah! Let’s crack some skulls!” Regicide cheered.

A few other groups of villains cheered with her, but most had started to focus as the ground finally came within a football field’s distance. Numero and his friends had aimed for the courtyard near the skyscraper.

A good thing too, it seemed. Because as Numero and his friends landed with a resounding crack of pavement, all three heard the unmistakble sound of insects caught in a bug zapper. Numero looked up to see half of the villain group caught in a blue net of electricity that had spawned around the skyscraper.

“Oh crap!” Numero shouted in realization. “Dr. Zlo’s machine is going to hit that!”

Everyone turned in surprise, suddenly wondering if they would be stuck holding down the fort until Dr. Zlo arrived with the other machine. They watched as the cylinder crashed against the blue field, pushing the net inward as if it were a piece of taffy. Then, the field rebounded, launching the morality machine in a wide arc across the city. The net itself broke under the strain, releasing the villains caught inside.

Numero blinked.

“So…” Hunky Jack said.

“After that machine!” Regicide shouted as she instantly rushed forward.

No one had to tell them twice. Numero started adding speed instead of perception, hoping that his current buff would be enough to find the morality machine before anyone else did.

It was then he heard the deepest cutesy voice. Ever.

“Sweeeets Toss!”

Suddenly, a gigantic jawbreaker connected to a gummy rope replaced Hunky Jack. The villain in question suddenly found himself embedded in a nearby tree.

“Sugar Smash!”

Numero jumped without looking, his improved perception warning him. Even then it was almost too late. The pavement in front of him splintered as a white gloved fist thrust through like a bullet.

As the dust settled, Numero found himself standing before an olympic athlete in pink lolita fashion. Everything about her was sugary sweet, from the gumdrop buttons on her petticoat to the taffy belt that held a number of pouches over her cotton candy spun skirt.

She stood to her full height, a massive lollipop in one hand that she pointed at Numero. Her voice threw the villain off, as it sounded like someone had taken the UwU voice and dropped it two octaves.

“Prepare to learn about the importance of healthy sugars, villain! For I am the protector of regular sugars, the defender of smiles! I am, Saccharine! Champion of sugary goodness!”

The heroine posed for a moment before focusing back on Numero.

“Surrender now, villain or face justice!”

Magical Girl Guillotine Regicide squeed.

“Numero! We have to fight her! We just have to! My magical girl rival senses demand it!”

Hunky Jack, who had finally pulled himself from his impression in the tree, walked up beside them. “I don’t think we have much choice either way. Unless the beautiful lady wouldn’t mind letting us pass?”

He gave Saccharine a wink and a toothy smile. Of course, Hunky Jack looked nothing like the stereotypical pretty boy. No, the villain looked as if someone stuck a beautiful face, arms, and legs on a square cinderblock. His too tight shirt and pants did nothing to help matters either.

“We can find time to flirt once you’re behind bars!” Saccharine said. “For there is nothing as spicy-sweet as forbidden romance! Now, face the wrath of my Lollipopper!”

She swung the massive lollipop in a sweeping gesture, forcing the three villains to duck. Even though all three dodged, the wind pressure of the move still sent them flying.

Numero grunted as he landed in a roll on the pavement while Regicide took control of her spin and rushed forward in a blast of magic. Her hands hummed as blades of magic formed around them.

“Sure Death Instant Kill Decapitation!” she shouted.

Saccharine dropped her lollipop, grabbing a multicolored thing from her bag that instantly expanded. “Jawbreaker Shield!”

The two clashed, and Regicide was thrown back, the only damage against Saccharine a small crack on the shield.

“It will take more than that to take me down!” the heroine said with gusto.