Vaudevillain

Riptide wished more than anything that he could join the others on the first trip down. Everyone looked like they were having so much fun! Titan, who had graciously agreed to play his girlfriend’s heroic alter ego, was hamming it up against the first group of villains to show on screen.

“Oh man, dudes, I so want to be down there!” the villain said. “Can you imagine how awesome it would be to surf all over that skyscraper?”

“Totally, man,” someone nearby said.

“Wait, look!” another villain pointed out. “Riptide, I think that’s you’re heroic version!”

Liam looked up at the screen, his wide grin splitting even wider at the sight.

“Oh man, that is awesome!”

Rampart flexed, doing his best to ham it up in front of the incoming villains. It was excruciatingly hard not to cringe at his own antics, but he pushed through for the sake of the event. That and the fact that his friends were having to deal with their own nonsensical heroic characters. Truthfully, Rampart considered himself lucky. He could have been stuck as Saccharine!

No, the player figured he probably had the second best character, if only because Riptide’s heroic alternate was just zen Riptide, and that was incredibly easy to act.

“No need to harsh everyone’s vibes, bro,” he said with ease. “Let’s all just take a stretch to surf some choice waves.”

Cowabunga, Riptide’s heroic alternate, currently stood before a gaggle of villains who were staring in various shades of amusement to embarrassment. Probably because unlike Riptide, Cowabunga wore nothing but a blue speedo as his costume. In fact, the only thing masking his ‘identity’ were the frosted blond bangs swaying over his eyes.

Everything else about the hero screamed for attention. His body on display shone a brass-gold that drew the eye to his perfectly toned pecs. His sandy blond hair swayed with him, perfectly poised to match the winning white-toothed smile on his face.

Eventually, one of the villains got over the shock and brought a weapon forward. “No can do, man.”

That brought the others out of their stupor, and they all readied themselves.

“I’m sure we can work something out once you’re on our side,” one of them said.

Cowabunga frowned. “No need for that, bro. Plus, you really don’t want to fight me.”

Of course, saying not to fight tended to provoke the opposite reaction, which was exactly what Rampart was going for. Sure enough, the villains reacted, two lasers firing while the others moved to flank.

Cowabunga shook his head, walking forward at a leisurely pace. “Not cool, broskis,” he said as the lasers met his chest.

Or, at least, they might have met his chest if both didn’t swerve away at the last moment toward the flanking villains. Inwardly, Rampart smiled. It had taken him ages to get the timing for that down.

The villains squawked in surprise at the incoming lasers, barely moving out of the way.

“What kind of cheating bullsh*t is that?!” on of them shouted.

Cowabunga just shook his head. “Not cheating bro. I just introduced the lasers to the joys of surfing.”

And with those words, the hero acted. He flexed his power, suddenly shooting toward the laser-shooting villain like a wave towards the shore. The villain barely had time to react before a fist snaked—or more accurately, surfed—around his neck and clamped tight.

“Sh*t!” someone screeched.

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Honestly Rampart was jealous. Riptide somehow came up with the most ridiculous powers by what seemed to be accident! All he said was that since he surfed anything, Cowabunga should have the power ‘anything surfs’. A power that shouldn’t be nearly as good as it seemed to be.

But no. Apparently, anything surfs meant that Rampart could just, choose what counted as a wave for something to surf over. Which meant, to Rampart’s minor grumbling, that Cowabunga could just designate himself as a wave and let everything surf over him. The cost wasn’t even that high either, likely because no one expected anyone to make a power that silly.

Cowabunga looked up in his musings to see a villain flying toward him, foot extended for a high jump kick that would have connected with the hero’s temple.

Well, emphasis on would.

Before the villain’s foot could connect, it swerved around Cowabunga, taking the rest of the villain with it as the foot crashed through a building.

“Aw, bro,” Cowabunga said. “Property damage isn’t cool at all! Mr. Dex is going to get all on my case!”

The villains didn’t bother with a response, instead choosing to come together as one in an attempt to bring the tanned hero low. Of course, every blow just surfed around Cowabunga, sending the villains off balance and open for a counterattack.

“Wipeout!” Rampart said with a grin as he swept his leg. Only one of the villains jumped, the other two collapsing on the ground.

“Now, just stay there bros,” the hero grinned.

None of them listened.

A laser shot across his bronze skin, looping upward before curling back toward the shooter.

“This is so not fair!” the villain shouted.

“That’s life, sometimes, bro,” Cowabunga said, surfing with his back toward the villain. He caught them in a clothesline. “You just gotta roll with the punches.”

“Oh great he puns,” the laser villain coughed.

Cowabunga just smiled, reached down and grabbed the villain’s laser before picking up the villain. “I’ll be taking this.”

The hero turned, a curious look on his face. “You know, bro. I kinda wonder. Does that machine work on villains too?”

“Sh*t!” someone shouted. “Quick stop him!”

Rampart could only laugh as he surfed forward toward the morality machine that had touched down nearby. A ring of villains had gathered around, setting up a perimeter against the incoming heroes. At the moment, they were doing a good job of holding Cowabunga’s teammates off. Mostly because the heroes were running into the fray without an ounce of teamwork.

For some reason.

“Ride the wave bro!” Cowabunga shouted, attracting everyone’s attention as he used his power to surf the air. Right over the villains.

Honestly, people always seemed to forget about three dimensions.

“Don’t mind me, bros,” Cowabunga said as he landed next to the morality machine.

However, villains aren’t ones to listen, and a great many of them turned toward the hero. Cowabunga shrugged, pressed the button to open the machine doors, used his powers of surf to send incoming projectiles scattering, then unceremoniously tossed his captive inside the machine and tapped the start button.

The digital screen appeared, starting the countdown.

The villains all rushed him, various mixtures of panic and anger on their faces.

Cowabunga just laughed and picked up the morality machine, surfing it across his shoulders to launch it toward the heroes.

“Catch, bros!”

The villains took their eyes off Cowabunga to follow the flying machine. A bad decision if Rampart had anything to say about it. And as a matter of fact, he did.

“Bros, you gotta keep your eyes on the prize!” Cowabunga laughed as he surfed toward the distracted crowd.

Fists connected, feet kicked, and a number of attacks were redirected into incoming villains. Rampart felt like that inverse ninja trope Shizuka liked to go on about. The chaos his power caused made him incredibly deadly in groups.

Finally, the villains started to bring it together again. A villain with a skull head and headphones pulled a hardlight projection up and started laying down the beat. Some kind of harsh electronic metal if Rampart knew his music. Whatever it was, it picked up a few of the villains and seemed to supercharge them. Another villain started pulling books out of his inventory then pushed his hands into the pages and ripped monsters right from the words.

Said monsters went on a rampage, stomping toward Cowabunga as the surrounding villains started to pull back.

“Regroup!” someone shouted.

Cowabunga surfed forward, letting the monsters attacks slide off him like water down a window. Except the conjurer villain had pulled out such a number of monsters that the hero started to lose sight of what was in front of him. When he finally broke free of the crowd he only faced down one villain.

“Here to surrender, bro?” he asked.

“Course not,” the villain said. “We just decided that I’d have the best chance against your power.”

“Good luck with that bro,” Cowabunga said.

He surfed forward, fist outstretched, only to suddenly find himself surfing horizontally away from the villain. A moment later, the hero smacked into a wall. Or more accurately, surfed a bit up the side before gravity took hold.

“Bro! That was sick!” Rampart shouted, channeling as much positivity as he could to emulate Riptide. “How’d you turn me around like that?”

The villain only readied himself. “I’m not in the habit of revealing secrets I don’t have to.”

Cowabunga shrugged. “Fair.” Then he rushed forward again.