Yakumo Yukari Gapped Me to Another World; Now I'm Trapped in the Human Village Full of Pathetic Touhou Maniacs

“Gauche!” shouted Sakuya as time resumed. Remilia knew what this meant. They had codewords for cooperating in battle.

The vampire pulled back her left fist for a haymaker while her right held her spear vertically. Sakuya had said the weapon had mass-altering properties; it was a hard place for a rock to leap from, or something like that. Remilia swung in a wide arc as she rotated around it and flung herself forward.

Remilia looked like a preteen girl. Her arms were short. Her punch might not even reach up to the face of someone like Arnold unless she jumped. On the other hand, she was a vampire. Yuuka–if that’s who Red Umbrella really was–put up both hands to block.

The vampire was teleported by Sakuya before the strike landed. Yuuka wasn’t the target; Trident was. Remilia’s fist impacted the unidentifiable youkai’s stomach and sent her flying away like a ball struck by a bat (which was only half right, I thought, unless the youkai turned out to actually be a ball). Trident didn’t know what hit her, but she was uninjured. Remilia’s strike had been danmaku.

“Identify them while we can!” screamed Wiki. “They won’t get away with this!”

Most of the youkai chased after Trident. Our goal wasn’t to identify anyone, necessarily. It was to get them to leave, so that Remilia could focus on those that were brazen enough to stay behind. Sakuya was confident that between herself and her mistress, they could defeat essentially any youkai in Gensokyo.

I was skeptical, but divide and conquer was our best strategy in any case. Our opponents were quarrelsome enough that it might work.

“Derecha!” called Sakuya. Remilia wound up a kick this time, swinging around her spear like it was part of a set of monkey bars. She was teleported forward to kick Trident even further away. Then she was brought back.

“Not the backside I wished to kick,” said the vampire. All but two of the enemy youkai had fled. “I suppose punting runts is still fun.”

“Did she say ‘runts’?” called Arnold.

“Clever,” said Yuuka. “Except it isn’t.”

I could see her identifying features by then. She wore a red plaid vest over a white blouse with a yellow handkerchief. Her bobbed hair was dark green and messy. Her eyes were red and the most terrifying part about her, showing an eagerness and bloodlust that I’d never seen on any other youkai. Sekibanki had red eyes, but they were like cherry juice compared to Yuuka’s rat poison.

“It was foolish to assume they weren’t a liability to me,” said the sunflower youkai. “I’m glad you sent them away.”

“They’re lucky that they don’t have to keep fighting,” said a third youkai on the ground. She was biting her thumb. This one wore a plain brown vest, and had blonde hair with striking green eyes. Her face was furrowed with consternation. Her ears were pointed.

“Mizuhashi Parsee!” called Wiki. “She is a youkai of jealousy!”

“What does that mean?” I asked. A burst of knives flew out from our right, striking both the youkai. A stray blade passed through me, doing nothing. They were danmaku.

Parsee glared at Wiki. “I’ve never been good with names… you must be so socially-capable. Why’d you look at Miss Kazami first?” She burst out green spheres, and most of the humans dodged. “Am I not good enough?”

Wiki folded his arms. “I wish I could do danmaku like that. Aren’t you a bridge troll? Sounds enjoyable–or safe, at least.” Wiki was acting weird, not for wanting to be a troll, but for thinking about another person’s situation at all.

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” said Parsee. “There’s running water, but nothing fancy like, y’know, walls.”

“Yeah, but you can leave your bridge,” he said. “I’m envious. I can’t leave my home.”

“You did leave,” said Parsee, her pointed ears twitching.

“So did you.”

“I’m not having fun,” said the youkai. “We’re using danmaku now. You’ll live. No fun.”

“Yeah, well, even less fun for me. I can’t do danmaku at all unless I’m terrified, and usually not even then.” He responded as though he were patiently explaining things to a child. “I’m going to die because I’m human. I wish I were a youkai, instead.”

“Youkai can die too, you know,” she said. “Happens all the time.”

“Wiki, focus!” I shouted. Remilia and Yuuka were trading blows above, each of which made a thunderous crack. “We need to beat her! What’s her weakness?”

“If you don’t know, I don’t see any reason to tell you,” he said. Parsee hit him with danmaku, and this time he didn’t dodge. Wiki sat down. “She has no weaknesses. Her ability can destroy humans. I’m unable to do danmaku, so why don’t you settle this yourself? Jerk.”

Parsee turned on Arnold, glared at him, and he sighed.

“You guys are lucky you don’t have a broken wrist,” he said. “How can I be expected to fight?” Arnold did have a point. He was defeated a moment later.

“This could be a problem,” said Sakuya. “Watch out!”

I leapt and dove away as a body hit the ground like a cannonball. It was Remilia. She’d been smashed into the dirt and grass.

Yuuka shot forward and swung her fist down. The vampire wasn’t the only one with super strength: the ground split and a pine tree fell toward Yuuka, because she’d accidentally obliterated its roots. The explosion of loose dirt sent both me and Parsee flying, but Sakuya pulled Remilia out of the way at the last moment.

Yuuka caught the falling trunk and tore it loose, before tossing it backward over the lake. I caught sight of a blue haired mermaid, and felt some relief that she was innocent as she disappeared into the depths. Before the tree had even splashed Yuuka was leaping into the air.

Parsee got to her feet. “I think you took that better than me,” she told me. I disagreed; my shoulder was bleeding again.

I felt my stomach writhe. This youkai was so morose. A few moments ago she’d been calling for my death, and now she was pouting because she wouldn’t be able to see me murdered. My powerlessness was so humiliating; my bile rose. This weak youkai could crush me, like a child smashing a bug, and yet when her metaphorical parents were there she whined about the fleeing ants that got away.

Parsee shot more green danmaku out at me. Time stopped.

“Huh,” I said. “I wish I was so powerful.” Even in monochrome, I couldn't help but notice there were a lot of bullets.

Sakuya slapped me across the face.

“Ow,” I said, “what was that for?”

“She’s affecting you. Snap out of it.”

“What’s the point?” I said. “I can’t do anything anyway. Wiki’s the one with the important destiny, and he can do danmaku, now, but he still lost.”

“Yeah, and boo-hoo, I’m just a servant.” Sakuya clicked a knife with a button on it right next to Parsee. It hung in the air, ready to fly off when time resumed. “There’s work to be done. You can whine all you want afterward.”

“I don’t want to do anything,” I said, sitting down. “Not now, not later.”

“Okay, fine, don’t then,” said Sakuya. She walked around Parsee, setting more knives in motion. They’d move all at once to converge on Parsee from all sides. “Let’s just sit here until you think your way out of this.” A moment passed. “Do tell me what you are thinking, Mister Thorne.”

“I’m thinking that if I could stop time, everything would be so easy,” I said.

“I stopped time for you,” she said. “Does it feel easy yet?”

“No.”

“You see,” said Sakuya, “Even with stopped time you still have to do things. Your life passes faster than others. It’s exactly as hard as regular time, except nobody sees what you are doing at all.” Her voice was bitter; Parsee had affected her too, I realized. Even so, she was still throwing out danmaku. “You waste years of your life invisibly, then die. My power isn’t so great.”

“It’s still a power,” I said, hugging my knees. “I wouldn’t mind dying early. I just want to get things done. My life isn’t important, if…” If I were protecting others, who were too stupid to protect themselves. I didn’t finish my sentence.

At that moment I didn’t really care about helping others. I just cared about being better than them, which was something that I kept failing to do. Even among the humans of the migration, I was just some guy. I wasn’t destined for great things like Wiki, or powerful and suave like Raghav. I wasn’t attractive like Arnold, nor self-confident and fierce like Sasha. I didn’t have a place where I belonged like Reika and the local humans, and comparing myself to the local youkai was heartbreaking because I was to them as a rabbit is to wolves.

Why try, when I knew I was going to be second-or-hundreth-best at everything? In a world of a few hundred weirdos, I didn’t rate a mention.

“Your life isn’t important?” asked Sakuya, her voice quiet. She was still placing knives. “Answer me this, Mister Thorne. If you had to die in obscurity to achieve a goal, would you? Could you?”

“Of course,” I said. “I have no choice. Live in obscurity, die in obscurity. It depends on what it was, but… yes! I don’t care about fame or anything–well, I do like recognition, but that’s not the point, not when it really matters.”

“I don’t believe you,” she said, flatly. “What have you ever cared about more than your own life?” I stood up, my blood boiling.

“I wanted to save humanity from the AI–I had been willing to die for that! Even in obscurity!”

She had magical powers, and I guess by that point I did too, but for a moment I was so mad at Sakuya. When I’d been an alignment researcher I had just been a regular human. I’d gone to school for a degree made worthless by models that came out before I graduated. Nobody knew how to do anything. I’d had no savings, no friends, no future, and the damned things had spewed propaganda until I had no respect.

I’d tried anyway!

There was this maid right here who thought she had the measure of me, who knew nothing about me at all, and who had all this crazy power. She could fucking fly, for one thing.

“I was a hero,” I said. “Even if nobody knew it.”

“Is that so?” asked Sakuya. I found my breaths were coming hot. I stepped to the side to get some fresh air. “How are you still alive, then? If you were willing to die for… whatever it was? Shouldn’t you just be dead?”

“I almost starved to death. I was at the end of my rope. In fact, the only reason I am still here is that Yukari took me away… just before the end.” I’d been more enamored with the idea of getting run over than I’d have liked to admit.

Sakuya laughed, enraging me. “You and all the monsters, then! Okay, Mister Thorne. I’ll give you some help.”

“I’ll gladly take it,” I said, as my pride writhed inside me.

“You know that there are two kinds of jealousy?”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s the defeatist kind of jealousy, where you wish you were as great as others. Where you want them to know your greatness.” Sakuya was looking up at Remilia. “That kind makes you a slave to others’ opinions. It’s worthless, because no matter how great you are, they do not care.”

“Okay.”

“Then there’s an angry kind of jealousy, where you’ve just got to prove to yourself that you are worthy. Where you don’t care in the slightest about what ‘great’ people think or do, as long as you know that you are better than them in the end.” She looked back at me. “A servant who sneers at a king, because the servant knows she’s done better with what she’s been given, even if she’s weak. Contempt for the object of jealousy.”

“I see…” I said.

“Which kind of jealousy do you feel?”

I looked at the others, who had sat down in defeat. Even if I were to somehow overpower Parsee and win, they’d disregard my victory, especially while under her effect. They wouldn’t be surprised if I lost.

But I’d never really cared what anyone else thought.

–

“Youkai Offering, Conviction Mines!”

“So powerful,” said Parsee, still biting her thumb. She drifted into my danmaku. “Your gifts are a braggart’s way of fighting. Tasty, though.”

“Eat up, bitch,” I mumbled.

A battle raged above and around us.

Yuuka gestured and lined up a shot with the tip of her umbrella, which she smoothly folded down until it was like a spear. Sakuya teleported Remilia at the same moment. The sunflower youkai spun around and fired a Master Spark that impinged on the vampire right where she reappeared. The beam of yellow light was five feet wide: Remilia was struck directly.

There was a pop. Sasha’s prone form disappeared from the ground.

“Jealousy Sign: Green-Eyed Monster,” said Parsee. I ran from a slew of green danmaku that materialized right behind me, nailing the youkai with my own red vectors all the while. The other students were coming to their senses and joining the fight. Danmaku flew crazily around the battlefield. Most of the ground-level stuff was allied.

Above us, Remilia looked at her unscathed arms and hands. “Kazami Yuuka. You decided to use danmaku?”

“I’m following the rules,” said Yuuka. “I have never done otherwise.”

“I thought you were murdering indiscriminately,” said Remilia.

“Malice Sign: Midnight Anathema Ritual,” said Parsee. She fired her own red bullets back at me. Blue bullets came from behind, materializing out of my sight. I leapt, and dodged, and was grazed. My shoulder spasmed in pain, but I wasn’t hit. Arnold disappeared with a pop. Parsee took fire from all directions.

“My associates lack restraint,” called out Yuuka. “I am not indiscriminate. In fact, I’m very deliberate.”

“Very well…” responded the vampire. “State your terms.”

“If I defeat you, I’m taking one of your minions to bury in my fields,” called out Yuuka. “And I’ll kill five of the less-entertaining humans right away.” Another person disappeared, but the two youkai were focused entirely on each other, so they didn’t notice.

“These humans all know danmaku,” said Remilia. “You can’t just take them and do what you please.”

“Oh, I think I can,” said Yuuka. “None of them can stand up to me. It will be a short argument.”

“Conviction mines!” I called again. Parsee ran right into one. It exploded, and she fell still, staring at me, her lips twitching and her eyes trembling. My allies pelted her from their temporary shelter. The fire diminished as Sakuya took them away one-by-one.

“I appreciate you announcing your intent for our audience,” said Remilia. Her audience was trying not to soil themselves. “You realize that your associates have killed two humans this evening already? Without answering their challenge?”

“Associate,” said Yuuka. “She should be reprimanded. And about our battle, bloodsucker?”

“If I repel your attack, you’ll let them all go free, because it pleases me to think that their lives are in my hands.”

“I yield,” mumbled Parsee. “What would you have me do?”

“Leave,” I gasped. “Just, go.” The bridge troll left, and I fell to the ground. There was no cheering. I felt no pride.

“Good work,” said Raghav. I felt some pride. He disappeared with a pop.

“Two on one is hardly fair,” said Yuuka. “All but five will be spared upon my defeat, if your famous maid is to be a part of this.”

“She’ll sit this one out, as long as you are being civil.” Remilia spun her spear. “Have we a deal?”

“Coming to town is such a chore,” said the sunflower youkai. “To make this trip a waste will inconvenience me greatly. I really must kill a few more.”

“This is so unlike the flower master,” said Remilia. “Don’t you avoid involving yourself in human affairs? Why do you insist on killing them?”

“This new group of humans is traipsing around the place like they own it,” said Yuuka. “I can be convinced to help with a worthy cause, like keeping the humans in their section of the garden.” She smiled and spun her parasol, which opened back up. “Even I will cut down a plant, if it has gone to rot, or if it creeps through fences and chokes out the beautiful flowers. Make no mistake, vampire, these humans are toxic and constrictive.”

“There’s no fence in the human village,” I said, mostly to myself. I looked around. Sakuya had grabbed all of the other humans by then, except for one. Even as I watched, Wiki’s morose form vanished.

“Sounds like we can’t agree on terms,” said Remilia. “The winner will decide either way.”

“Then the humans will all be mine,” said Kazami Yuuka.

“Which humans?” asked Remilia. Yuuka looked down and around. All of the humans were gone, all except for one or maybe two if you counted Sakuya.

The sunflower youkai laughed. “Looks like I’ll have to visit town again after all!”

“I’ll have you know I’m stronger than when we last met,” said Remilia. “I’ve been eating well, recently. I will defeat you.”

“I thought you looked fat.”

Wrecking-ball sized red and purple orbs burst from the vampire. Yuuka responded with her own bursts of colorful danmaku. And they might have fought, still, except that rings of purple and teal hearts manifested all over the battlefield.

“Suppression: Super Ego!” called out Koishi from down the trail. Right behind her were Keine, Byakuren, and Miko. They were flying forward at high speed, but they had to stop to dodge a ray of light.

Yuuka flew off into the night. I looked toward where Trident had been punted. No-one was there. The other youkai had already dispersed.

“Your friends are safe,” said Sakuya, sitting down next to me. “I can’t say the same for you.”

“My priorities have been met,” I said. “Yuuka’s accomplices ran away, did you notice?”

“That’s what sets Remilia apart from other youkai,” said Sakuya. “Everyone in the Scarlet Devil Mansion is a loyal supporter of hers, and she of theirs. Most youkai can’t cooperate so well.”

“The Mistress is something else,” I agreed. I was shivering, but my brow was wet with sweat. I felt weak. “I see her strength is her allies. But our boss will still kill me for manipulating her?”

“You are just a temp worker.” Sakuya twirled a knife. “I must admit that Wiki’s idea was a good plan. Disperse the jailers, escape. Wait for help.”

“What if no help had come?”

“Remilia would have defeated Yuuka,” said Sakuya. “I’m certain of that. I would have stepped in, if necessary. But those pests… they’d have been on the sidelines. Even idiots can form a mob.”

—

Kamishirasawa Keine, Toyosatomimi no Miko, and Byakuren Hijiri were the cavalry that arrived too late. Keine was a hakutaku again. She led the charge back to her human charges, right behind Koishi.

Sakuya had hidden most of the humans under bushes near the lake, or amongst the branches of the scattered trees. She gathered us up one-by-one. I shivered harder. A terrifying fever was starting, and my fatigue took on a new character. I struggled to my feet.

Remilia landed on the ground, her clothes singed in a few places but hardly worse-for-the-wear.

“My Lady,” said Sakuya. I hoped she’d say something like “Let’s go home,” or “Mister Thorne didn’t understand the consequences of his actions,” before Remilia turned on me, but that would have been an attempt to manipulate her superior. She said nothing, instead disappearing to retrieve the hidden humans.

Remilia looked at me with eyes that burned with icy anger. There was no denying it. She really was going to murder me.