A Scholar's travels with a Witcher

“Oh I wouldn't say that,”

The speed with which Kerrass can go from sat down and relaxed to fully awake and alert, sword out hand arranged for a sign is always terrifying to me.

No sooner had the voice's echoes stopped reverberating around the room than he was there in the middle of the ladies chambers scanning the entire area, frowning in concentration.

“Hello?” said the voice, it had overtones of amusement to it. “Is anyone going to say anything?” It had no distinguishing features to it. By the intonation I guessed that it was a female voice but there was no pitch to distinguish itself, the one from another.

It was also a quiet voice, it didn't feel as though it came from very far away but I felt as though I had to strain to hear it.

It seemed to just be a movement of air.

I later tried this experiment.

Get an old rug, flap it against something near a sunbeam coming into a window until you can see the dust dancing in the light. Then get as close as you can and shout really loud. See what happens to the dust?

That's what it felt like.

Kerrass was still turning slowly in the room.

“Who's there?” I croaked out through the goo and phlegm that was collecting at the back of my throat.

“Me,” answered the voice.

I felt myself smile. Kerrass was examining his pendant which I had also noticed had jumped when the voice spoke.

“Very well,” I said clearing my throat noisily. “I did not mean to be funny or to offend. But who are you?” The effort set me to coughing again and I closed my eyes against the wave of dizziness that washed over me.

“Unless manners have completely disappeared in the time that my door has remained closed, traditionally it was the visitors who introduced themselves first.”

The voice had gained an overtone that suggested a lack of patience as well as a certain iciness.

“Very well,” I said again, wheezing with the effort. “I am Frederick von Coulthard. Younger son of Baron von Coulthard and it is my honour to present Kerrass, Master Witcher of the Feline school.”

It was too much of an effort.

“A Witcher,” said the voice in a tone of surprise. “I have heard of such though I thought their development was still some years off,”

Kerrass for his part relaxed suddenly.

“Stupid fool. Stupid amateurish fool.”

“What is it?” I wheezed slumping even further down the wall.

“Not what he wants. But Who he wants. Fuck-face wasn't after a thing but a person.”

“Heh,” I managed. “He really was trying to rescue a princess.”

“You are being exceedingly rude. If I were still ruling here....” the voice sighed. “But I'm not and my threats are rather empty aren't they?”

Kerrass bowed floridly.

“Forgive us madam but we have been lied to at every turn and our tempers are wearing thin.”

There was a pause.

“Then you are forgiven. You have broken the enchantment on my door, even though you did so rather inelegantly if I may say so, and I am predisposed to like you. What is wrong with your companion?”

“He has been poisoned.”

“Interesting.” Yes it was definitely a woman. I was having to force myself to stay awake. I was jamming my fingernails into the palms of my hands with the effort.

“Who has poisoned him?”

“The person who wants you.”

“That seems like a foolish way to ask someone for help.”

“Never the less.”

There was a long pause and I could feel myself slipping towards unconsciousness. “Kerrass,” I managed. He brought me around with a ringing slap to the face

“Ow,”

“Stay awake,” he growled.

The pause went on as Kerrass righted me against the wall.

“What was he poisoned with?” the voice asked briskly in the way that people do who have an unpleasant task ahead.

“Spider-venom,” Kerrass said.

“Which one?”

“I don't know but it's been modified since then anyway.”

“Draw off some of his blood and place it in my mouth. Only a small amount though as I will need my faculties.”

“Wait, what?” I protested.

Kerrass grimly batted my protest aside, cut some of my sleeve away with his knife and cut me across the wrist.

“How much?” he asked the air.

“Less than that to be truthful. A drop or two is all that's required.”

Kerrass caught some on his knife and stood while I feebly staunched the flow.

“Right. Now what?”

“Place the drops in my mouth.” said the voice.

“ummm, which one are you?” Kerrass asked, not unreasonably looking at the two corpses in the room.

“The one in the chair.” the voice retorted. “Don't worry if you have to break my jaw, or if it comes away entirely. I'll probably have to regrow the entire thing anyway.”

Kerrass paused. “Right,” he said and did as he was told.

“Is that enough?”

“Oh yes,” said the voice. “Although it's absolutely disgusting. Ugh, yes. Modified spider venom. Ugh. How could they stand it. What state is my lab in?”

“Wrecked.” Kerrass answered.

“That's a shame.”

“You're library's still there though.” I managed from somewhere.

“Really? How kind of you.” said the voice. “My captors did threaten to burn it.”

“They trapped it.” Kerrass said “So that anyone stepping into the room would have caused it to burn. Moving on though,”

“Ah yes. Do either of you suffer from arachnophobia?”

“No,” said Kerrass.

“Errr, what?” I whimpered.

“Good.” said the voice.

There was a skittering sound while screams and shouts started to emerge from down the stairs.

“Who's that?” the voice asked.

“Your erstwhile champion and his men I suspect.” Kerrass said grimly.

“Well that won't do,” the voice sounded a little panicked. “That won't do at all. I'm not nearly strong enough to face that yet.”

There was the sound of slamming doors from deeper in the tower.

“That should hold them up a bit.” The voice said smugly. “Master Kerrass might I trouble you for some water and any other food items you or your companion might have about your person. I am fearfully weak at present.”

“What about...?” I whimpered.

“He'll be fine.”

“I don't feel fine,” I tried to say as the skittering noises seemed to come closer.

My fears were confirmed as some of the largest spiders that I have ever seen came rushing through the doorway.

Don't think of things that stand as tall as a man or a horse. Think of spiders as big as a good sized rabbit or blood hound.

Still that's fucking huge to man that has lost control of his legs.

They skittered up to me, seemed to chitter to each other in a way that looked, for all the world, like they were talking to each other before one by one they started to bite me.

I tried to scream but no noise could come out as these giant hairy.....things took chunks out of me.

But then something magical happened.

Ladies and gentlemen. Honoured non-humans and whoever else might be reading these words. Learn from my example when I tell you this. If you are not in some kind of pain right now. Cherish that feeling. Love that feeling. Get down on your knees and thank every God and Goddess that you believe in and maybe even a few that you don't, just to be on the safe side, and thank them that you do not currently feel any pain. The lack of pain is a blessing.

A feeling of bliss washed over me and I could literally feel muscles relaxing.

I fell asleep.

It must have only been for a few moments because no sooner had I closed my eyes than Kerrass was waking me up with a firm shake.

“Frederick?”

“I'm up, I'm up.” I yawned.

“How do you feel?” He demanded. He seemed a little angry at something.

“Good,” I assessed. “A little drunk if I'm honest, kind of floaty. Am I high?”

“Probably,” said the voice. “A little anyway. You're still full of spider venom. The effects will wear off sooner than you would like.”

“Marvellous.” I managed.

“Can you stand?” Kerrass demanded.

I experimentally tried moving my legs and much to my surprise there was movement although I tried not to think about the squelching noise.

“I think so.”

“Good, you may need to fight in a little while.”

“Wonderful. You once told me to never fight when drunk.”

“I did.”

“Is the same true for being high?”

“More so.”

“Oh don't worry. The effects will work their way out of his system soon enough.” The voice went on. “Are you done fussing Kerrass? I need that mortal companion of yours for a moment.”

“Why?” Kerrass demanded.

“Because your mind is... different from what I'm used to. If it helps, I did just save his life.”

“It's alright.” I said, climbing to my feet. I tried not to think about the state of my clothes. Some of them had dried to my skin and made unpleasant wet, tearing sounds.

“Am I as filthy as I think I am?” I asked Kerrass.

“Worse.” He moved next to the splintered door and was listening. “If the worst comes, try to hug your opponents. They may flee from the stench.” He didn't smile as he said it.

“That's reassuring.”

I took a deep breath in an effort to steady myself and bowed to the room.

And my stomach heaved again.

You see a corpse was eating.

I can't think of any kind of description that would tell you exactly how disgusting the entire thing was.

A mummified corpse was deftly breaking apart a piece of meat pie and shoving the pieces into it's mouth accompanied by long draughts of water taken from my waterskin. I couldn't tell what was happening but the skin that had previously looked as dry as paper had begun to take on a kind of sheen as though it had been soaked in water.

“Thank you for the commentary,” the voice said. “although the retching was entirely unnecessary. I am well aware of what I look like at present.”

“At your service madam,” I managed wiping my mouth.

The corpse paused and looked at me. “How do you know I'm a woman?”

“The dress kind of gave it away.”

The corpse looked down at itself.

“Of course. I should have thought.” The voice said. It went on munching.

“You'll have to excuse me though. I don't have vocal cords yet, or the strength to regrow them but I need your help and maybe I can summon an image to help with your revulsion.” It's important to mention that the corpse hadn't stopped eating while the voice said this.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Just look into my eyes please,”

“You mean your sockets,”

“Impudence,” an edge of anger had crept into the voice. “I need to know the state of what's happening immediately so that I can handle your employer. A quick spell will tell me what has happened recently in the same way that it told me your northern language. It will also help me form an image.”

“Wait, how much of my memory are you after?”

“Just a small part. What's relevant.”

“Relevance is subjective.”

“It is a small request.” the voice was definitely angry now. “I am still Queen, whatever my captors might think and I could make it an order or have your head removed for your impertinence.”

“Given that you've just learned my language, do you know what any of these words mean?”

“Just look into my eyes will you,”

I glanced at Kerrass, who had drawn his sword and managed to catch his eyes. He shrugged.

I knelt down and forced myself to stare into the dark space where the things eyes should be.

A sharp pain struck me behind the eyes.

“Oh dear,” the voice said. “The decay is rather advanced. Never mind. Stand up please.”

I did so,

and she changed.

I blinked.

It was not a slow thing, she was just suddenly stood there. The corpse had gone and in it's place was the most terrifyingly beautiful woman that I have ever seen.

Yes even more beautiful that the vision that the beast of Amber's Crossing. That woman was beautiful but this woman was terrifying. Much more terrifying.

Her skin was literally white, not pale, white. Her lips were a painted red and full so that when she spoke it looked like she was tasting and enjoying every word. Her cheekbones were so sharp that it looked as though you could cut yourself on them and her eyes were large with a shining, slightly glowing green iris. Her hair fell about her shoulders in what can only be described as artlessly beautiful. My elder sister once told me that it takes hours of work to make hair look so good that it appears that she never had to put any effort into it.

She wore a simple black circlet that kept her hair back and a voluminous black dress that both hid and yet hinted at what was beneath it. You couldn't see anything but every so often her sharp turns would make it so that the fabric would lie against her body in a way that was unsettling.

She turned around and just as suddenly as it came on, my headache vanished.

“That will do for now.” she said as though she was having to make do with something unpleasant.

“What are you?” I managed to croak out.

“A vampire,” Kerrass answered for her. She had wandered off into the corner of the room and was searching through the mess that Kerrass had made of her bed. “Quite an elder one as well I should think, given that she didn't try to eat you on sight.”

“We prefer the term “Higher Vampire” if you don't mind.” she said from the corner, throwing bits of wood over her shoulder. “If I do say so myself I'm also a rather talented Sorceress as well, hence the advanced glamour and all the anti-magic charms. Aha,” She pulled out a chunk of one of the posts that had been part of the bed. “I knew they would never find it.”

Before our eyes, the small stick transformed into a medium sized staff. Gold in colour with a stylised spider, rearing up at the top standing at about five and a half foot tall.

“Ah that's better.”

The two of us stood looking at her.

Something in my brain broke.

“Could you possibly be more sinister if you tried?”

She looked at me intently.

“Would it help?”

I didn't have a response to that.

“Now to deal with this upstart who thinks he can use me as well as my possessions for his own ends.”

She turned to the pair of us.

“I trust that, having freed me from my captivity that the two of you swear your fealty to me as your Queen in all matters?”

We looked at each other.

“What?” I asked, feeling as though I had missed something.

“Errr, no.” Kerrass looked similarly dumbfounded.

“You came to rescue me did you not?”

“I... I don't have a Queen.” I said. “At a stretch I suppose I have a puppet King of Redania and an Emperess.”

“And I answer to no-one except myself.” Kerrass put in

“Oh,” I said, nodding “I do that as well.”

“But I am your Queen.” She shook her head in confusion and dismissed the problem. “Anyway. Here he comes and as Frederick hates him I will assume that you are more on my side than his.”

Kerrass and I looked at each other.

“I really fucking hate politics.” He said aloud as he moved to stand next to the vampire.

I stood on the other side shrugging at him.

For her part. The vampire took a few more quick swallows of water before passing the water-skin back to me while pulling herself up to her full height. I will admit that she looked astonishingly regal and I had no difficulty believing that she was a Queen.

Lord Dorme entered with drawn sword and a few more of his knights who were also armed. Kerrass had sheathed his sword earlier and lifted his arm to redraw but the Vampire was faster.

“Your rescue comes late Lord Dorme.” She spat at him with withering scorn.

He recovered well though to give him credit.

“Not so your majesty, for you were freed by the actions of my agents.”

“Yes we know,” the royal 'we'. I found that old courtier skills that had been built into me by various tutors were still working quite well. The two of them were trying to exert dominance over the other. “We also know that you had to resort to coercion and blackmail to get your agents to do the work. This is beneath you Lord Count.”

Dorme winced. She was using his Nilfgaardian title.

“If you will your majesty. Around these parts I am a Duke and although I treat you with respect, people know my name whereas they do not know yours. Furthermore, regardless of my method, it is by my industry that you are freed.”

“We will concede that point. However we are still Queen and we notice that you have not made proper bows as etiquette demands.”

“Etiquette may demand it Your majesty but to do so would imply that you have power over me.”

He was enjoying himself. He had a plan.

“You are Queen, but you answer to me now.”

“Do we now. Why would we do that?”

“Gratitude?”

“To you? you did nothing but send braver men to die in your place.”

“In which case, you will do what I say both because I order it and,” The vampire interrupted by laughing in scorn. “Because I have this, your Majesty.”

He made a florid bow which was infused with his own scorn and irony. He was handed a bag and held it up for her inspection.

She drew back as if struck.

“Where did you come by that?” She seemed shocked and I gripped my spear tightly.

“Does it matter?” He was smiling.

“How did you come by it?” She screamed with a force that made me wince.

Dorme laughed.

“I made it.” he said with relish.

“Impossible,” she muttered. “Such magic was lost. We made sure of it.”

“Not so sure that it couldn't be found again.”

I looked at the bag. It looked like a fairly ordinary bag of black leather with a dark red leather drawstring. I glanced over at Kerrass who seemed equally as mystified.

“You should not meddle with things that you do not understand,” she said.

“I understand enough.” he said. “Now bow before me.”

She did so and as she did I felt my mouth open in shock.

For his part Lord Dorme simply nodded before turning to his men.

“Kill the other two.” before leaving the room.

I laughed as I raised my spear to ready position. “Holy flame, could you be any more of a cliché?”

Kerrass simply shrugged and drew his sword,

“Hold,” The vampire said.

I made myself ready to back Kerrass up as he would dart into the middle of things. This was something else that we had rehearsed.

The two followers of Dorme stepped round their Lord. They had shields this time. Numbers would be an issue, we would need to block the door to stop them overwhelming us. It looked bleak as I was still not at my best but I intended to at least make a fucker or two bleed.

“I SAID HOLD,” The words were like a sonic hammer to my ears. I was driven to my knees under the force of it.

I also noticed that she had dropped the royal “we”.

Having said that, even Kerrass seemed surprised. Our opponents weren't as lucky and more than one dropped their swords to cover their ears.

The vampire seemed shaken herself, having a little stagger and taking a couple of quick breaths.

We should have attacked them at that moment,

“Why should we?” Lord Dorme said coming back in. If he was shaken he didn't betray that thought on his face. “I owe you nothing, in fact...” He shook that bag in front of us again. There was a sound of things clacking together, an almost musical sound. “I own you, your majesty. By rights I should have you kill them to see the goods that I have bought in action. If you can't overcome a Witcher and his...hanger-on then what use are you to me.”

“Precisely Lord Dorme. What use?” She took another deep breath. She had been shaken, whether by the shout or the contents of the bag I didn't know. I found that I was getting ready to catch her in case she fainted or something.

Catching a fainting vampire.

Heh.

Anyway.

“I ruled for many years Lord Dorme. You never throw away people who have even the potential of being useful to you.”

“These people have done what they needed to do and now need to be silenced.”

“Do they though? Have they run their course?” She gestured at Kerrass, “This man is a fine warrior and is the only man who can realistically guard me. You think my resurrection and freedom hasn't gone unnoticed by other powers? This man,” pointing at me, “is the son of a Baron. He is worth keeping alive if for no other reason than his ransom will not be small. Also,”

She took a breath.

“I am weak my Lord, you require me for some purpose, for that I require strength.”

I swear I saw Lord Dorme's mouth twitch.

“You require sustenance you mean,”

“You make it sound so dirty,” she snarled and for a moment I saw the corpse under the illusion.

Lord Dorme pretended to consider but he really wasn't as good as he thought he was. He had already decided that he would rather lose my blood than the blood of any of his followers.

“Very well. But if they escape or cause any problems then it is you that will bear the burden of their punishments.” he shook the bag again.

“Take their weapons.”

“They might need their weapons,”

Dorme turned back again. “At least take the spear. A Witcher can still be shot but a lump of meat hardly requires a weapon.”

This time he really did leave.

I made sure to look the knight in the eye as I split the spear in half and handed him both pieces. His eyes were unreadable. He seemed both ashamed and grateful. There was no fear though, it seemed odd but then the situation we found ourselves in was hardly common.

Then sighing loudly I turned and forced myself to approach the vampire.

“Very well then Majesty. Better to get it over with,” and I exposed my neck.

I don't know why I did this. I can but assume that I was still a little high from the spider bites as it was remarkably foolish.

“Don't be absurd,” she snapped. For now I simply need you to help me down the stairs as it seems that I over estimated my strength.

“Do you need anything else?” Kerrass asked.

“Do you need anything else, what? Kerrass?” she retorted with venom.

Kerrass considered, “No, No I think I got it right the first time.”

The vampire pursed her lips. “We have to work on your etiquette, Witcher.” She looked around the room. “No, I have spent enough time here. Too long really. Let us go.”

Kerrass made a deep bow and gathered up our bags. I asked him later and he told me that he was being extra subservient to wind Lord Dorme up. I can't tell if it succeeded but it certainly amused me.

The Vampire gripped my arm hard. She was phenomenally strong and if she had any weakness at all then I could not detect it.

We came through the library, which some more soldiers were ransacking and throwing into sacks. I shuddered involuntarily at the sacrilege.

The Vampires face froze.

“Is it possible that we could move a bit faster please,”

“Certainly,” I said before struggling to keep up with her.

She kicked over a couple of pieces of broken crockery in her former lab but spent a long time in the main room looking about the place.

Men had brought in torches and were thoroughly searching the place. She looked at it all and I felt, rather than saw, a sadness creep over her.

She muttered something that I didn't recognise under her breath.

“What was that?” I enquired.

“Nothing really,” she spun suddenly, letting go of my arm. “Witcher,” she hissed quietly. Kerrass was watching the soldiers industry but he turned to her.

“Majesty?” He said using the word that he had omitted earlier. He also bowed especially low for the people watching.

“How many of these...men, did you kill up on the hillside?”

Kerrass considered. “Two I think, and another that will never fight again although I suspect that he will have been put out of his misery. Frederick killed one for sure and another who will feel it for the rest of his life.”

She thought for a long moment.

“Good,” she said and allowed us to lead her out into the sunlight.

I need to note something here. It's more of a reminder to myself than anything else which is that the people reading this have not necessarily read my half-formed essay on the social interactions of higher vampires or any of the other works on the subject that the university students have access to.

I spend so much time writing about these different things that they sometimes blend together and I find that I mean to write things, think that I've already written them and as a result they get completely left out, or written out twice.

Higher Vampires have many forms and, as I understand it, many different subspecies. I do not know how this works but there you go. I also know that they can change form from the most normal looking human shape all the way through a kind of feral looking shape with extended claws and teeth to a gigantic winged beast. I have also since found out that these forms can change shape according to the practices and character of the vampire controlling them. Therefore a particular vampire who enjoys spending time as a human will have more and more of a handle on how to portray human emotion and will better and better be able to emulate them.

But the opposite is also true. If a particular vampire decides that they want particularly sharp claws then they can work on that aspect of themselves until the claws can cut through steel.

It's been described to me that to them it's like a human practising playing the mandolin until they get good at it.

So there is always a problem in reading a vampires emotions as you can't always trust their faces or their mannerisms. Vampires have none of the automatic emotional responses that we take for granted. They don't smile when they are happy, they don't scowl when they are angry and they don't cry when they are sad. Skilled vampires do these things because they are living among human society and as a result it is absolutely vital to them that they are able to emulate these emotional responses.

Our charge was no different in this regard. Even more so perhaps as she had already told us that she was a skilled Sorceress in her own right so what we were looking at was an illusion making it all the more difficult to tell what she was thinking.

All vampires are different and I am not universally skilled or experienced in this subject but there was something that I began to notice after several days spent in her company that I will say here as it potentially colours what was happening.

Her facial expression hardly ever changed except when she was calm and therefore could remember that she was supposed to emote. However her mood had an effect on the surroundings. It's difficult to describe but I will try and it was more of a feeling than I would ideally like to put to paper.

When she was happy, the world just seemed a little bit brighter. The grass a little greener, the sky a little bluer. Air smelled sweeter, food tasted better and the sun was warmer and I found myself laughing and smiling easier than I had before.

When she was angry then the shadows would creep in, you feel cold and shivery. Your body grows tense and she almost seems to grow in size until she towers above you and you want to hide or run in terror.

This last also gave rise to another theory of mine which is this.

I once read a theory put forward that Dragons were the last true predator of man. For all other monsters mankind has come up with a defence. Witchers, spells, potions and most importantly, we now live in cities with walls and torches where the environment can be controlled. The only thing that can threaten that is a dragon which is big enough and powerful enough to threaten cities which is why dragons need to be exterminated.

Although I can follow this logic, I for one think it would be a shame if dragons died out completely.

But I am talking about vampires.

Vampires disprove this theory. Vampires at their most terrifying, prey on humankind. Some do this for basic sustenance but some also do it for fun. It's their equivalent of my father growing a forest, releasing a bunch of boar and deer into it before inviting his friends round to go hunting. It's fun for the vampires and our building of cities means that all we've done is put all the game into one, easy to find, place.

I think that our reactions to vampires is a form of prey response. We are terrified of them because we recognise our predator. The thing that is, by nature, higher up in the food chain than we are.

I mention this because it's worth remembering when talking about her reactions to the outside world.

She didn't react at all to being taken out into the sunlight.

She didn't blink at the, by now, setting sun or the growing number of army tents that were growing up around her citadel. She didn't sniff the free air or dance a little jig at the prospect of freedom. Nor did she squint, cover her eyes at the blinding lights, sniff at the smells wafting over from the cook-fires or make any kind of reactions at all. She surveyed everything with a kind of detached...observation I suppose. She noted everything, eyes shifting from one detail to the next leaving a definite impression that she saw everything in a brief moment, but I also sensed that she was disappointed in what she saw. She was not alone.

“I see that fuck-face has brought up the rest of his forces.” Kerrass sneered. “I reckon, 100 infantry with fifty horse.”

I nodded, “Which means that he's probably got that much again elsewhere. He doesn't seem particularly stupid enough to put all his eggs in one basket.”

“What do you mean?” the Vampire asked.

“Putting all his soldiers into a valley with one entrance and banks that horses couldn't climb.” Kerrass said. “As strategic positions go this one leaves some things lacking. Especially if you're launching a coup.”

I felt myself nod. It made sense. He had told us about the delicate situation between him and the “King”. Lies are always made better by adding some truth and as such if that tension was true and Dorme was the reason that tensions were so high then a Coup would make most sense.

“So his other men are in all the strategic places ready to launch the surprise attack.” I said and Kerrass nodded.

The Vampire just listened.

We were lead over to a tent that was set aside for the Vampire's use. It was surrounded by a small wooden palisade and was heavily guarded. Our things had been dumped there despite quite obviously having been searched. I noticed that my money had gone along with a couple of other small valuable things and gear that someone might have found useful. I also noticed that it had been repacked hurriedly and wondered if our stuff had been distributed to the men to play dice over before it was recovered.

There wasn't a separate tent for us though.

Kerrass prowled round the little enclosure, enjoying another new hobby which seemed to consist of finding out how nervous he could make the sentries watching us. I built a fire and stomped over to a guard to demand water. When he refused I did my best impression of my big sister when she was throwing a tantrum and demanded to know how he expected a lady of such obvious high rank (gesturing at the vampire) to travel without the opportunity to bathe. I kicked up a fuss, made a noise, stomped shouted while making my voice as shrill and annoying as I could.

Petty? Maybe but I felt that they deserved it and like Kerrass I decided that I needed a new hobby.

Eventually water was brought and I set it to heating.

“You realise, of course, that I don't need a bath.” The vampire said with a slight smile, “Indeed, in my current condition the water would likely just pass through me.”

“The water's not for you,” Kerrass muttered as he passed. “It's for him.”

She looked me up and down. “Oh,” she said without inflection. “At least humans have begun to understand the need for cleanliness.” She went into the tent and from the sound of things laid down on the ground.

I shrugged and stripped off.

Kerrass was correct. Over the course of the day I had lost controls of my bowels several times, bled, sweated and vomited while being poisoned. It had not been a great day and I stank along with unspeakable filth being caked against my skin. I stripped off naked, heedless of who was watching and didn't stop scrubbing until my skin was red.

By the flame but it felt better.

The bath and a visit to the Jacks almost completed my cure.

When I got back to our little enclosure, Kerrass was seated on a stool sharpening his sword with long even strokes. There was an aura of discomfort around our guards which left me wondering if he was doing it on purpose.

“Where is she?” I asked.

“She has been summoned,” Kerrass made it sound like she had been taken off to her place of execution.

I grunted something unintelligible and sat down at the fire before setting about making some tea as I suddenly had a raging thirst.

“Is she normal for a vampire?”

Kerrass stopped his sharpening as he thought.

“She's a little different. It helps her, more than us, that we're looking at an illusion of her face rather than the actual face as it means that she can just keep her face still rather than give away her thoughts. She hasn't tried to kill us yet which is a good sign.”

He went back to sharpening.

“Is that likely?” I asked after a while.

“If I was locked up for...however long. I would set about eating, drinking and sexing everything I could find. Blood is like strong alcohol and the finest drug to them. She is keeping herself in check at the moment but...” he shrugged. “I would be interested to know what's in that bag of human skin that Dorme's carrying about that got her so upset. As far as I ever knew there was nothing that could control a vampire. Especially one who used Sorcery as she clearly does.”

I asked him to explain.

“You think all vampires can cast an illusion? They can change their form to be sure but she's horrifically weak. She hadn't eaten or drunk anything in years. I've never seen a starving vampire. I have seen a starving Witcher though and I don't think I would like to go through starvation knowing that I wouldn't be dying at the end of it. The illusion is weak though. Most of her strength is going into regenerating herself rather than the power to make a different image.”

“I thought it was quite a good illusion all things considered.”

“It's not bad. Where are her legs though?”

“I suppose.”

“She's a black shape and a face. The shape flows like a cloak but that isn't too hard, or so I hear. I think she's biding her time. Watch her face but bear in mind that any emotion that she shows you, she deliberately put there. We just need to make sure we can escape her nets when she makes her move.”

“Will she?”

“Would you allow yourself to be caught by Fuck-face?”

“No,”

“Neither would I.”

We sat in silence for a while as the tea brewed.

“Wait a second,” an unpleasant thought had occurred. “Bag of Human skin?”

Kerrass grinned nastily.

There really was no weight to her at all and so I fell off my own stool when she walked up next to us.

“I apologise,” she said a little stiffly. I searched her face for any sign of her thoughts but she was staring into the fire. I made her tea and she took it without comment.

“He wants me to help him usurp the throne of Angraal.” She took a long drink of the tea without flinching at the heat. It had been scalding hot. I refilled her cup without comment.

“Me,” she said. “I, who was once Queen of all these lands. I sat on the throne of stone and looked down across the fire at my enemies and they shrunk back in terror before my wrath. I am supposed to help him, a descendant of the men that overthrew me, to overthrow another man who is descended from a man that I hated.”

Kerrass and I exchanged glances but said nothing. It's not wise to poke the angry vampire.

“Every tree, every blade of grass, every drop of water in the rivers, by rights all of it belongs to me and he wants me to just give it to him.”

Everything she was doing told me that she was tired. But as Kerrass said, that image couldn't be trusted.

“How's he going to do that?” I managed.

She shrugged. “I am the rightful Queen,”

There was another long pause as Kerrass and I looked at each other,

“So?” Kerrass asked eventually.

“What?” she said looking up, “Oh right. You mean that in the modern world, that doesn't mean anything.”

“Yes,” said Kerrass carefully.

“There is a trick in Angraal monarchy that was put there so that if an imposter turns up that I could always prove it was me. It was a charm and has a compulsion behind it. Apparently now it's used as part of the coronation ceremony for a new King but no-one knows what it means. He researched it, when he came up with the scheme. I am to take the throne and let him rule through me as well as provide whatever supernatural assistance that I can.”

she shuddered.

“Stupid cretin. When the people find out who I really am they will flock to me,”

Kerrass and I did another of our exchanged glances.

“Help me,” she said suddenly, “Help me take back my country. Help me take it back. Help me to be Queen again and I will reward you with more than you can possibly dream of.”

“Ummmm, no,” I heard myself say.

“What?” for the first time it seemed that I had elicited a genuine emotion from her. She was astonished and there's no way she could have faked that.

“No, I don't think I will help you do that.”

She just stared at me. I waited for death at any moment from, Oh I don't know, a fireball from her eyes.”

“It's not that I'm unsympathetic to your problems.” My mouth had started talking again. I hate it when it does that without consulting me first. “Lord Fuck-face over there poisoned me in an effort to get us to do what he wanted. Then he tried to kill us anyway. You've saved my life twice and his life once,” gesturing to Kerrass, “so I'll help you a bit. But at the end of the day, apart from anything else, I owe fealty to other people.”

“To whom?” she demanded, “I am the Queen of all of these lands.” As if that should overcome all other factors

“How big are all your lands?” Kerrass put in. I kept my mouth still through an effort of will.

“Seriously,” Kerrass went on. “You're the Queen of Angraal. How big is Angraal.”

“Six days ride from end to end,” she answered promptly. “Between the mountains and the River.”

Kerrass nodded. “And what's your name?” It astonished me as I realised that she hadn't actually told us that yet.

“My name?”

“Yes,”

“But I am the Queen,”

“That doesn't narrow you down.”

She drew herself up to her full height. She seemed to grow and a purple light flickered under her robes. It got dark and I could hear chittering in the undergrowth.

“I am the Spider Queen of Angraal and you owe me your fealty. Not some petty Lordling that fancies themselves King of a made up country.”

Kerrass nodded and turned to me. “Have you ever heard of her?”

She turned her terrifying gaze on me and I felt myself shrink. “No,” I said. “To be honest I hadn't heard of Angraal either until Dorme told me about it.”

“How dare you....” She began.

“Do you understand what that means?” Kerrass went on, ignoring her outburst. “Frederick is a scholar and knows more useless information than I have ever even seen and despite his own rather self-deprecating views on his own expertise he is rather a clever man. He's studied things including medicine, anatomy, herbalism, arts, poetry, music, but mostly history and for him to not know who you are means that no-one knows who you are. Nowadays Angraal is considered a minor Duchy of the Greater Kingdom of Keadwen. Kaedwen is itself considered a protectorate of the Nilfgaardian empire which stretches across the vast majority of the known world and trying to put a scale on it like “How long it would take to ride the length of it” is futile.”

I saw where Kerrass was going and joined in.

“So lets say you win against Dorme and the other usurpers.” I said.

“Which I will, of course I will. The people will rise up to support me. As I say, I am The Spider Queen of...”

“Yes, you said.” I interrupted. A madness had taken the three of us. It was like I was watching a play and when I talked about it to Kerrass later, he said that he felt much the same way. There were words that just had to be said.

“First of all, You and who's army?” I said ticking the point of my fingers. “At the moment you have you and a tentative treaty of co-operation with Kerrass and myself. But neither of us are particularly willing to die for you.”

Kerrass nodded at that.

“Secondly. Out of your own mouth you called yourself “The Spider Queen.” Do you know how terrifying that is? You saved my life using spiders and I'm still terrified of you for calling yourself the Spider Queen. Do you know what that's going to do to the average farmer, villager or merchant?”

“They will bow before me as their rightful Queen,” She made it forceful and I started to almost lose hope.

“No they won't.” said Kerrass startling her away from me. “They will be terrified.”

“As they should be.” Did I detect some doubt there? I began to hope.

“People don't work like that.” said Kerrass. “People are quite simple really. In my experience individuals can be intelligent, educated, informed and sensible. But people as a whole... Freddie you'll know. What's that saying about the intelligence of a mob?”

“That “If intelligence is a number where high is good, Then the intelligence of a mob is the intelligence of the dumbest person there divided by the number of people in the mob.””

“That's the one.” Kerrass said with some satisfaction. “I've seen it far too often. Sometimes even against me. Witcher's have a saying as well. “The greatest swordsman in the land can be overwhelmed by six angry men with clubs.” There is even evidence from our own history. One of our better swordsman, internationally renowned for his skill with a blade was mortally wounded by a farmer with a pitchfork.”

“What are the two of you trying to tell me?” She had withdrawn a little. Only a little.

“People will either fight you, or run from you.” Kerrass said. “Fight or flee, that's just instinct to them. Especially as you represent their natural predator.”

“If they fight me they will die.” She seemed to snarl that last and I felt the earlier flight instinct strong in my chest. But I found it in me somewhere to stand my ground.

“Then we're back to that earlier point. You and what army. The spiders? Peasants are really good at setting fire to things like, say, the undergrowth of your Kingdom, sorry, Queendom. Peasants, although I don't like using that word any more as it often strikes me that I hear it used with scorn from so called “nobles” like Fuck-face, I've also met many villagers on my travels now and many of them could have given my professors a run for their money if they had been given the opportunity and...”

“Freddie,” Kerrass interrupted me. He was smiling.

“I was babbling again?”

He nodded.

“Sorry, I do that when I'm terrified.” I said to the vampire who was frowning.

Was the expression real though?

“Peasants are not stupid. Reactionary? Yes. They'll just move. Pick up everything and leave to nearby countries. We live on a continent that has had Three Huge wars in recent memory. There's plenty of room in Aedirn or further north in Kaedwen.”

I paused while my mouth waited for the next thought to line itself up to be fired back into the vampire.

“So lets assume you win.” I said. Kerrass sat back on his heels and watched. He was openly smiling now and watched me with some interest.

“Lets be really optimistic and assume that you manage to usurp, sorry, take back your rightful throne. You manage to defeat Fuck-face, the Usurper-King and all the other nobles in the land who don't know who you are. Yours is a smallish patch of land and not really a Kingdom in the modern world so there won't be many. Lets also assume that the peasants hear that they are now ruled over by the terrifying Spider Queen of legend. Your reputation, regardless of the truth of the matter, will not be great as you were defeated and history is written by the winners. But lets suppose you win the peasants over to your cause and you find yourself ruling over this country of yours to your own satisfaction. Lets suppose all that. Ok?”

She nodded. Kerrass' eyes were laughing. He later told me that he always enjoys it when I turn into “Lecture Freddie”.

“You're an intelligent woman, or vampire....” My brain stopped working for a moment. “I've never studied magic but my understanding is that you have to be if you are going to study it. So you're aware, I hope, that it's a long string of unlikely things happening to get to that point. But lets suppose it does.

“What do you do then?

“What do your people eat?

“Lets find in your favour and say that your lands provide enough farm land to provide food for your entire populace. Bear in mind that despite the wars. Populace data suggests that the population of the northern Kingdoms has been growing exponentially over the last hundred years after the monster numbers started to become reduced and the rise of the larger cities. So what else do your people need or want?

“Just off the top of my head they will need Lumber, Hay and Stone for basic buildings. Bricks, clay and other things for more modern buildings. I'm not a builder so I don't know but then there are other things as well. Entertainment for example. Bored people find a way to entertain themselves. Often with rebellion against the oppression. So they need fun things to do,”

“Wine,” suggested Kerrass,

“Yes Wine, also beer and other spirits. These as well as luxury foodstuffs that you cannot grow here. Your climate is not really well suited to wine production. Ooh, and I'd forgotten metals. You will need a personal guard to stop plotters from striking against you. Where will you get the weapons from. Your area is not well-known for the weapons or metals it produces so I have to assume that there aren't any Iron, Copper or Tin mines in the local area. Neither is the place rich so there aren't any gold or silver mines to provide the illusion of wealth.

“You understand that we're just talking about the necessary things here.

“What about paper?

“Ink?”

She was silent now. Staring at me, her face was unreadable and her cloak didn't move. She looked like a statue and I reminded myself that it was just an illusion.

But there was a person in there somewhere and I needed to get through to her.

“The answer is that you must trade for them. You, “The Spider Queen of Angraal” must trade with your neighbours for the things that you and your people want and need. How will that go do you think?

“They don't know you and to be truthful they were getting on perfectly well with the person that you killed and usurped.

“You understand that I'm speaking from their point of view there.” I hastily added.

She said nothing.

“If anything they might mount a military campaign to retake Angraal for their friends. There's a lot of people in the north that would quite like to “Win” some kind of war and your little Kingdom would look attractive.”

I paused looking for any hint that she was even listening.

“But now I come to your biggest problem,” I said. I had been speaking with a pseudo comic tone before now but this was the last factor and it needed driving home.

“Angraal is no longer a Kingdom. It is a Minor Duchy and barely worthy of the title of Duchy. Wait till you see a modern map and compare it to somewhere like Toussaint which is ruled by a Duchess at the moment.

“Angrall is in an area that used to be fought over by Aedirn and Kaedwen on a regular basis. Both of those Kingdoms have been consumed by the Greater Nilfgaardian empire who, I understand, are still deciding what to do and how to govern their new “provinces”. Couple this with the fact that the current Emperor is in the process of handing his power over to his daughter.

“At some point, an Imperial tax collector is going to turn up. Expecting to deal with the current Duke, the man you call the King of Angraal. What do you do then? You try and call yourself the Queen of Angraal and kill him. Or he leaves and reports that some upstart is declaring herself ruler

of a minor province. The current emperor is renowned for putting down such rebellions.

“Brutally and without mercy.

“Dorme has a force of 150 men here. Lets say that represents his armed forces and some men from his neighbours and allies. The King will have a standing guard of maybe fifty veterans protecting him and not everyone is going to support Dorme, so lets say that there's another 350 fighting men in Angraal. Does that sound about right Kerrass?”

Kerrass nodded without saying anything. I realised that he was watching the vampire, coiled and ready for a fight.

“So a total of 500 men. If you're lucky.

“When Nilfgaard invaded the Northern kingdoms most recently it was numbered in the thousands of men. Thousands of soldiers that means, not fighters and support people. Thousands of soldiers. Those men were also hardened veterans of putting down rebellions like what you would be perceived to be.

“As well as this, my understanding is that Nilfgaard has another four or five armies like it, ready to go at any time with another two that could be raised with relatively short notice. I can't be sure of that but those numbers sound close to what I had heard.”

I tried again to detect any emotion from her but there was none. She just stood there and stared at me.

Fuck it.

“Which brings us on to the new Empress herself. Or to give her her full title: Empress Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon, Queen of Cintra, Princess of Brugge and Duchess of Sodden. heiress to Inis Ard Skellig and Inis An Skellig, and suzeraine of Attre and Abb Yarra.

“But a flowery list of titles is not all that the bards say about her. She is the Lady of Time and Space. She is the Lion Cub of Cintra which is no small title although it sounds derogatory. She escaped through a warzone to be rescued by a Witcher. One Geralt of Rivia who took her to be trained at the Witcher fortress of Kaer Morhen. Then it became obvious that she was magically gifted and was trained as a Sorceress herself. She has lived as a bandit, noblewoman, Witcher and adventurer. She is also the true-born daughter of the Emperor of Nilfgaard and for his own reasons he is in the process of passing power to her before he either retires or dies which is normally how succession works.

“There are several points that I would like to make here. One of the biggest is that she has Witcher training which means that she knows how to kill you. What potions to use, what oils to put on her blades and what type of weapons to use. Also many of the surviving Witchers view her as an extension of themselves. Almost a family member like a daughter, Sister, Niece or someone who deserves their respect.”

“That includes me by the way.” Kerrass put in.

I stared at him. “That's a little tidbit that you've kept squirelled away. Have you met her?”

“Once, nice girl. Friendly enough, easy on the eye but she carried that sword on her back like she knew how to use it. I didn't see her fight and she gave the impression that she wasn't fully comfortable in her own skin. But the way that others watched out for her and gave her that little bit more room as she walked around.... She was a nice girl but I found her... terrifying. I spoke to a friend of mine once who asked me to look out for her and told me that the girl can teleport without incantation or portal and will reappear elsewhere in the blink of an eye. I believe him.”

I nodded and returned to my blustering.

“Not that I think you would face her directly but think about what she brings to the table. Suddenly you are facing an army, all with their blades dipped in oils that can hurt vampires. Her elites with silver blades. Witchers stalking the night at her request and offer of reward. All these people who want to prove themselves before the new Empress and that's without her taking the field herself.

“And I have one last point to make. Her adopted mother is one of the Lodge of Sorceresses. That means nothing to you as it's a relatively recent creation and they aren't really a public organisation. But the Emperor suddenly seems to like Magic users again and that is a telling factor. Renowned names like Keira Metz, Yennefer of Vengerberg, Phillipa Eilhart, Lady Fringilla Vigo and Triss Merigold called fourteenth of the hill. All of them battle-hardened and experienced women who are keen to prove their use to the Empire.

“Don't get me wrong. I understand that trying to organise Magic users is like trying to herd cats and like cats they often succumb to infighting. But consider this. You would be a new factor that they have not considered. Both Sorceress and Vampire. History shows us time after time that nothing brings people together like an external threat.

“And the Empress has their ear and is rumoured to be a member.

“You may be powerful and you may have been spending your imprisonment learning and relearning how to do things. But these women and whatever mages that they can muster are the products of centuries of practice and competition with each other to prove their own superiority. Competition breeds innovation after all. Can you stand up to all of that?”

I was done and I suddenly felt exhausted. So much had happened today and I felt it. I shivered and wanted nothing more than to pull a blanket round myself and snuggle down to sleep. I went to do so but Kerrass started talking.

“I have another point that you may not have considered. I know next to nothing about Vampiric society. This is significant as if you were to draw up a list of the top experts in Monster Lore in the Northern Kingdoms then I am not overly flattering myself if I put myself somewhere in the top ten. It's my job after all and I know nothing about vampire society. They seem to have mostly integrated with humanity or gone into hiding.

“You stand up one day and openly declare yourself as “The Spider-Queen. Vampiric Lord of these lands” How would they react do you think? They might be enjoying their nice quiet lives living in crypts and watching the world go by. But then you come and draw everyone's attention back to the fact that they are hiding in plain sight.

“Just some food for thought there.”

We both fell into silence.

Abruptly she stood and went inside the tent.

Kerrass and I looked at each other and shrugged.

What was done was done. We'd played our hands and now we needed to see which way the cards would fall.