ALL NOVEL More evidence required
“Look, I just don’t believe you, there’s no way it can be that much better.” For an estimate so bold, Ben seemed awfully confident. More confident than even the several beers we’d had should have made him.
“I wasn’t convinced when Lauren told me either, but then I asked Dave”
“Straight Dave or Gay Dave?” Clarity here was important, straight Dave is an arsehole.
“What? Obviously Gay Dave, why would I ask Straight Dave anything? Especially this. Anyway, I asked Gay, far superior, Dave, and he said Lauren’s was a low ball estimate. Queer dating apps apparently are at least forty times less toxic and each match is forty times more likely to lead somewhere. I’ve even given my sources.”
“Two sources is not proof dude, I’m not buying it.” Less toxic I could believe, forty times seemed a lot though, were there units it was measured in? And the leading to a date part had me very incredulous, I’m just not certain anyone could text a stranger for a bit and as a result feel confident enough to turn up to a date. In my current experience, I could barely manage texting a stranger or feeling confident, let alone turning up to a date.
What I could manage, and what definitely didn’t prop up a lot of my masculine bravado, was getting drunk enough to dance in a club and having enough one night stands that more than one of my straight friends had called me a, and I quote, ‘playaaa’. For all the world knew, I had ‘great game’, but as far as I could tell all that amounted to was looking broadly attractive (for a guy), not being visibly an arsehole and having enough disregard for myself to just approach several girls in a club until one seemed interested. Ben, when he’d tried my approach, had felt put off by the rejections, but for me a rejection doesn’t mean much from someone who’s only impression of me is ten seconds in a nightclub. They could only reject the impression they got, which was hardly all of me, right?
Regardless, success in a nightclub did not translate well to success on tinder or in relationships. On the former every message I sent felt awkward, forced and fake. In the latter I could convincingly play at being a fairly good boyfriend, but never felt comfortable enough to actually let anyone in, which inevitably led to a breakup about me being distant or them not feeling a connection. Consequently I was as single as twenty six year old men come. Still, I couldn’t imagine that being queer would have fixed any of those issues, not even a forty times higher success rate on tinder would fix me. Although someone messaging me first would be a very welcome change.
“Bro, were you listening to anything I just said?”
“Wha? Sorry, nah I spaced out”
“You called bullshit, and I said let’s make a bet. We both download a new gay dating app and make an account, and we see who’s right. What d’ya say, for a night’s drinks, I think Lauren and gay Dave are right.” A night’s drinks, with an alcohol tolerance like mine was a lot, and my curiosity was enormous.
“Okay man, you’re on, let’s do it. Now, I’m gonna go pass out as near to my bed as I can manage, see you in the morning.” I was not going to do anything of the sort, I had a dating profile to make and a bet to win.
Okay, let’s keep things simple, they’d be basically me, or acting them out would be impossible, and then I just needed a name, a bio and a few photos. The last of which would be the most problematic as I didn’t exactly fancy anyone finding out I was masquerading as a girl to catfish lesbians. Ah, that sounded creepy when worded like that, I was gonna have to be careful not to actually make someone really uncomfortable. I started with the easy stuff, a name, uhh? How was I drawing a blank on this? I could just shoten mine from Alistair to Alice, which had a nice ring to it but was too similar and I was not about to get caught over an unimaginative name choice. I’d played more than one video game character called Amaryllis, which I could maybe shorten to Amy? I don’t think I’d played any of those games with any lesbians so that seemed like a safe bet, and anyone making that link was a long shot at best.
Okay name achieved, Bio next. Just something short, detailed and with a prompt for them to ask about. ‘Lesbian, University postdoc, frequent drunk mess, former child. My dog is cuter than yours, and you will have to both match and send several photos of your own if you wish to disagree.’ Including photos of my dog was perhaps risking my identity getting out, but at this point, I’d mentioned her in the bio and she deserved appreciation. Could I change the bio instead? Yes, I suppose, but including pictures of Custard saved me on photos I had to fabricate and let others appreciate her magnificence.
Now imagewise, I had options, most of them from faceapp or some other ‘make this person a girl’ filter. I only had three such photos saved, from a prank I’d planned and then had to bail on, but I’d planned well and they were honestly fairly convincing as photos of a cute looking girl, who lesbians could feasibly be into. Next was a photo of the final time I wore leggings to the gym and someone said I had a girly bum, which then prompted me to find a mirror and take a dozen photos of it, to confirm that I did indeed have a kinda pert, girly arse, from the right angle. One of the photos, once appropriately cropped, was gonna make that arse finally be at least a bit useful to me. To complete the set were two photos of Custard being adorable.
All that remained was to swipe on a load of people and see if what I’d prepared would attract as many lesbians as Ben seemed to think it would. Or maybe no one would be interested in a few lazily put together photos, or worse, perhaps I’d get harassed and banned like I deserved, only time would tell. Regardless, time to get swiping.
Okay, first woman, wow she’s hot. But her bio starts with ‘no mask, no distancing’, instant no. Wait, I’m not actually gonna be dating these people, should I just swipe yes on them all? That wouldn’t make a very good test though I suppose, for accurate numbers I’d need to use the app like Amy the lesbian would, so some sort of standards at least are required. Okay next woman, also gorgeous, no gleaming red flags, swipe yes.
Woman three, also gorgeous, school teacher, very cute, yes please.
Woman seven, ooh, we used to go to uni together, I had no idea she was gay, good for her!‘
Woman ten, ‘me and my boyf looking for a third’ means no, sorry hun.
Woman fourteen, that is not someone presenting as a woman annddd… yup, bio starts with ‘(he/him)’, no thanks Jamie.
Woman twenty-eight, is that Penny? I’ve not seen her since that school reunion night out where we uh… got drunk and had sex. God she was hot. I guess I wouldn’t have texted me back afterwards either, huh. I'm pretty certain she wasn’t very drunk though, so, uh, maybe she only worked it out since then? Anyway, she looks great and is just my, uh, Amy’s type, a yes for Penny then.
Woman fifty-one, very cute, easy yes. No more swipes available? No, I would not like to upgrade to premium. Maybe tomorrow woman fifty one, it’s 5am anyway, I spent way too long on this. Wait, no, if I sleep now no one will feed Custard, I guess she won’t mind food at 5am, then I can sleep.