About Your Pride and My Prejudice

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The cold season came silently.

One day, I woke up strangely early, and I thought that the dim dawn light from outside the window was strangely white. I crept out of Alan’s arms in case he woke up and silently stepped onto the cold floor.

When I opened the curtain past the fireplace, which was faintly lit in the ashes that had disappeared overnight, I was so surprised that I covered my mouth with my hands.

“Wow…!”

The vast garden had turned all white. It was not to the point of piling up, but I was happy with the unexpected luck. I heard that Lunoa’s climate is mild all year round, so it’s not easy to see snow.

At that moment, a warm warmth surrounded me from behind.

“Ah!”

“……It’s the first snow.”

“Did you wake up because of me?”

Alan, with his chin on my shoulder, looked out of the window for a moment in silence and buried his head. His murmuring whisper in a sleepy voice was cute.

A morning of the first snow with Alan. I became helplessly happy. Even this private peace will eventually fade with time, and the fact that it is just a moment will make me unbearably sad.

If so, I hope that I will remember it for as long as possible.

Some peaceful days followed like that. Alan returned home every evening. Even in this cold season, he always gives me a bouquet with moist water in my arms.

These days, Alan sometimes doesn’t go to the office during the week. At first, I woke up in the morning, and I was surprised that he was still sleeping.

Maybe it’s the day of an important regular meeting? He’s already a young boss, but what if a snake-like executive secretly blames him? With that in mind, I was about to wake him up by slapping him on the back, but I was attacked by Alan, who got up quickly.

—I can’t breathe…!

Alan said he cut back on work. So he can rest once or twice a week.

I didn’t know he was the kind of person who could put things down. After he learned about his parents, I was worried that there might have been a change of heart in a bad way, but I was happy with the thought that the time we could spend together had increased.

In addition, Alan brought a tutor into the mansion—at my earnest request— to teach me the Lunoan language. The emptiness of the time without him became bigger and bigger, so I wanted to fill that emptiness with the excitement of learning new things.

It was quite interesting to stutter through the <The Fugitive> in Lunoan. It can be said that there is a unique tragic beauty and sophistication that cannot be felt in the translated version.

Of course, there were days when we fought too. Because we are so different people.

It was always a small argument, but there were times when we couldn’t understand each other so we didn’t talk all night.

The cause of the quarrel was largely trivial. At the very least, it wasn’t something like each other’s past lovers.

For example, if I was crying while reading a sad book, he would come up to me and ask me about it, and then he would be irritated and say that he couldn’t understand my tears.

It’s an emotional luxury to cry after reading a made-up story.

Then I would say that we only live in the story anyway. Then I asked if we should castrate our emotions. If I, the character in the story, love you, is that also a luxury?

……Well, it was all a stupid wastage battle. In the morning, he always apologized in a hoarse voice. Then I kissed him reluctantly, pretending to accept him. It has solidified like a promise to us.

We quarreled so often and sometimes raised our voices, but at some point I have never been to the annex. Although the corner of the garden overlooking from my room in the annex is also quite elegant.

At the end of November was Alan’s birthday. I heard about it from Butler William. The surprising fact was that it was the same day that Alan saved me from the cold snow.

Last year, there must have been enough people to fill Florin Boulevard to celebrate Alan Leopold’s birthday. But he came to my rescue, refusing all the boisterous celebrations and merrymaking.

On the day he was given life, I also gained a new life because of him. What words and letters can convey this overwhelming feeling?

He sometimes called me the sea. At times like that, I would call him the wind. He was always the one who made waves in the sea.

After thinking about it all night, I decided to write a poem to celebrate Alan’s birthday. The last poem I wrote was a letter to him, which is already more than a year old.

I wrote him a second love poem.

I can see the wind,

Because the tingling wind with your face comes to me like a flickering star,

When you blow, I’m hit with open arms without resistance,

At times like that, I often thought of death,

Although II never thought that there would be a sad or pitiful death in the world,

I will be smiling if my heart stops beating with your love,

I’ll open the windows on winter nights so you don’t wander,

What kind of face did you have?

Before they hurt you,

* * *

“Melissa.”

Alan looked dry at the dinner table, where a dreary candle was burning over the silver candlestick. I smiled indifferently.

“What do you think?”

At least I liked my poem. But Alan didn’t seem to be.

“You didn’t have to celebrate my birthday.”

“……What?”

On the birthday of my beloved lover, the feeling of facing his way of speaking when he doesn’t like something…….

“You know, we’re lovers, but isn’t it polite to say thank you even if it’s just empty words? It’s been almost a year since I wrote a poem. As a special gift for your birthday—”

“It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a date made up by the family.”

“Ha.”

Can’t you just say thank you and move on? I tried so hard. There’s no need to talk about uncomfortable things.

My heart pounded all day because you brought me to life the day you took your first breath.

As soon as I moved my lips to say something, Alan continued.

“Do you know you’ve changed?”

“…….”

Oddly enough, the words seemed to break my heart. It’s nothing special, but my eyes suddenly blurred.

I pressed my eyebrows with force to stop the tears from flowing.

“Why? Because the me, whose face turns red and couldn’t even look into your eyes, no longer exists?”

“Ha, Melissa.”

Shining moments are always short. That’s why I never stopped the time or emotion I spent with him.

Even if it was sweet enough to swallow in one bite, I put my nails in my soft palm and held it in. Just licking carefully and preciously, trying to last all our moments for a long time.

“Do you think I’m a disgrace? Because I don’t look up at you like I did before……?”

But Alan’s cold words seemed to shatter all the hard work, the fragrant candy-like moments. Even my heart.

“What are you talking about?”

“Am I the only one who’s changed? You also said that everything I write is good…!”

A sudden surge of sadness came over me. I was as sad as the ashes in the stove. The soot that must have burned like heat someday, but now has been swept away. Tears flowed helplessly.

“……I’m not good at talking unless it’s about work.”

Alan swept his hair up frustratedly and rose to my side.

“Still, listen.”

A large hand approached carefully and wiped the tears from my cheeks. The thumb and the edge of the hand, then the back of the hand. It was quite meticulous and caring.

Come to think of it, the feeling of the black gloves he wore as a habit, touching my cheeks became so distant that I couldn’t even remember from when.

“I like the words and sentences you use. Everything. Your handwriting, too.”

“But what’s wrong with you……. Why are you doing this to me?….”

“I’m sorry, Melissa. I’m sorry.”

Alan held my wet face in his hands, and I cried more and more because of his warm heart, but I hated him and didn’t hug him.

“It wasn’t long that you said that my poems are good enough, heuk, to memorize…….”

“Because you weren’t a poet who used the word death in a love letter.”

“Are you an idiot? You have to look at the whole thing, not the word itself.…!”

With a deep sigh, he put his chin on my shoulder. His pulse passed through my trembling shoulders.

“I’m the one who was greedy to have you by my side, and I’m the one who made your disappear, so I have nothing to say. Still, I was worried that my crude self-righteousness might have ruined you.”

“…….”

“You used to only wear shiny things. You said you wanted to live a season that looked like me, Melissa.”

He hugged me tighter and whispered. His voice trembled like a flickering candle.

“Now I remind you of death?”

“…….”

What he said was partly true. From some point on, the love between him and me reminded me of death. There’s nothing more powerful than this love.

“That can’t be…….”

It was clearly me who was crying, but at some point I was comforting him.

Our love is indeed no different from that of children. Are you thinking the same as me? It reminded me that some fears are sometimes caused by too much love.

In the meantime, I was somehow relieved by his warmth, breathing quietly in my arms. His back was hugged by me without a tear stain, I cried and comforted him affectionately, as if I were going to use all the moisture in my body. It was such a strange and tender comfort.

So we were happy. We are just clumsy and young lovers who are so precious and lovely to each other. Even if I get lost in the dark, if I’m with you, I’ll be happy like a dream.

But life is a harsh journey, and misfortune always comes suddenly. It had only been a few days since the day we shared the warmth of tears.

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