Academy’s PTSD Chaplain

15 – Finger (9)

Crackling. Crackling.

A hearty stew entered my mouth. Chunks of diced potatoes and meat were chewed, and the savory, tangy flavor lingered in my mouth.

“….”

“Sophia Subtitle.”

“Start with your meal.”

Sophia Subtitle sat across from me, chin resting on her hand, silently watching me eat the stew without saying a word.

Feeling the cold pressure in her gaze, I lifted the utensil once again. And silently, I took a bite of the stew. Just like that, one bite, then another.

The bowl emptied quickly. I cautiously set down the utensil, stood up to bring the bowl to the counter.

“I’ll take care of it.”

“No, I should….”

“Father Priest.”

Sophia Subtitle’s eyes turned toward me. Slightly stern, emerald eyes. I gazed at those eyes for a moment.

“…Well, then, please.”

“Yes. Please sit back and rest.”

Sophia Subtitle headed toward the counter with the bowl. Her small figure wearing an apron looked a bit awkward.

“Sigh….”

Pushed by Sophia Subtitle’s back, I reluctantly got up from my seat and slowly sank into the sofa in the living room. And I closed my eyes.

Shoaaa—.

Soon, the sound of water could be heard. Perhaps Sophia Subtitle was going to do the dishes as well.

“Sophia Subtitle. You can leave it be.”

“Please be quiet.”

“….”

Closed my eyes again. My head felt a bit dizzy. It wasn’t because I had used a lot of sacred power. It was just an inexplicable sense of unease.

Emerald eyes that seemed to suck you in. Bright, shining blonde hair as if lit by sunlight.

She approached me with the sunset at her back, and….

“…Father Priest.”

I opened my eyes slowly. Sophia Subtitle’s green eyes were right in front of me.

Seemed like I had dozed off. I slowly wiped my face.

“…Sophia Bujja.”

“I’m sorry. I must have woken you up, you must be tired.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ve had enough sleep.”

“That’s good. Then…”

Sophia placed a cup of tea in front of me. Then she plopped down on the opposite sofa.

“Shall we listen to the story now?”

I cautiously raised the cup of tea, fearing that my right hand might tremble.

Fortunately, that didn’t happen. I took a sip of the warm black tea. Its bitter and subtle flavor lingered in my mouth for a long time. Strangely enough, the taste of black tea was particularly bitter today.

“Sophia Bujja.”

“Yes.”

“Did you use a different type of black tea?”

“Yes. I tried using the tea leaves Professor Esther gave me.”

I furrowed my brow slightly and put the cup back down. Sophia Bujja spoke when she saw my expression.

“From now on, I’ll use the regular tea bags.”

“Yes. Please do.”

This time, Sophia Bujja raised the cup. As she tasted the tea and enjoyed its aroma, she suddenly shook her head and murmured.

“This one tastes better…. You have a peculiar taste, Head Priest Jooim. Is there a reason why you insist on cheap black tea?”

“Haha… Even if I tell you, you won’t understand.”

“No.”

Sophia Bujja put the cup down loudly. Then, she pulled the sofa closer and leaned in, speaking with her face closer to mine.

“I think it’s time you knew.”

“….”

“To be honest, even after bringing you here, I’ve been nursing you all night.”

“Thank you.”

“No, I’m not speaking to receive gratitude.”

Then, what are you speaking for?

As if answering my question, Sophia Bujja licked her lips.

“Head Priest Jooim. I heard you talk in your sleep.”

“You mean sleep talking.”

“Yes. That’s why I’m saying this, Head Priest Jooim.”

Sophia approached me. As I turned my head slightly, Sophia, turning her head towards me, lightly caught my cheek.

“Seriously, what happened to you?”

Her expression was truly heartbreaking.

“…”

I couldn’t say anything. As I kept my mouth shut and maintained silence, Sophia’s expression grew even sadder.

“Why are you struggling so much in pain and spending difficult nights? Is it something you go through every night? Right?”

“Sophia, I…”

“Who on earth is this person named Helena? Is it related to the chief priest’s illness, that person? Tell me.”

I constantly scratched my face. My mind was so fragile that it felt like the tower was collapsing.

“Please… answer me. Chief Priest.”

How should I put it into words? How should I explain the experiences I’ve had so far?

Sophia, you’ll end up hating me too. You’ll look at me with eyes full of disgust.

I thought I had created a certain human connection. But now, I can’t just let it go like this.

Sophia gently removed my hand covering my face. I couldn’t help but face Sophia.

“Seriously, what kind of life have you been living until now? Why is your right arm like that? Why did you faint that day? Tell me everything.”

“So, Sophia…”

“You’ll answer, won’t you?”

“…”

What kind of life have I been living? What have I been through?

“I, I…”

How did I come back alive?

I blinked.

Yes. I blinked. Just that.

“…!”

I looked down at my hand. Blood was pulsating. Under my fingernails, dried black blood clung.

Whose blood? Whose blood was it?

“Ah, ah…”

My hands and feet trembled. I tightly closed my eyes. Opened them again.

The blood was gone.

Heaving…! Heaving…!

My breaths became shallow. I clenched my teeth and tried to put on a casual demeanor, but it was an impossible feat.

“…Head Priest?”

I arrived at the station by train. The Holy Empire. I had received a letter stating that the treatment of the clergy, including myself, in the wake of the war would be managed by the Holy Empire.

Several surviving priests, including myself, disembarked from the train amidst the saturation of war. The platform was already crowded with numerous people.

Like a cloud, the gathered crowd hurled rotten tomatoes at us. One landed on the head of a priest who had been walking at the forefront, attempting to smile despite the hostility.

“Murderers!”

“With those filthy feet, daring to return to the Holy Empire! Shameless!”

“Go back to the Empire! You demonic creatures!”

One step, two steps. As our walking pace gradually slowed down, the leading procession eventually came to a halt. I lowered my bowed head.

We were already in the midst of the crowd. Other priests who couldn’t escape the station, along with some injured soldiers returning from the battlefield, were surrounded by a torrent of accusations.

So many people. The gazes of countless individuals. The cold, disdainful looks, those pupils, directed at me. Toward. Me.

Thud—!

This time, a rotten tomato landed at my feet. I stared down at the burst red tomato.

“Uh, ugh…! Uwaaah…!”

Unconsciously, I took a step back and collided with a wounded soldier behind me. But what mattered now was not that.

“Blood… blood…!”

Blood was flowing from my foot! Save me! Damn it! Save me, please!

“Stop… please, stop…!”

I covered my head. An egg flew and hit my back. I couldn’t do anything.

“Why, why…?”

Why are they doing this? I was conscripted. Is it a sin to have lived as a clergyman in the Empire?

I didn’t want this either. I’m an outsider. Not even a person of this world. What was I supposed to do?

Just because I lived in the Empire, just because I was a lowly priest, was it such a heinous crime to be dragged to the battlefield? I was just an ignorant fool.

“Murderers! Get back on the train!”

“Go back to the Empire! Just disappear!”

Screech—! Screech—!

“Everyone step back! Step back!”

“Clear the way! Clear!”

Train crew members hurriedly rushed towards us from a distance. The people who had been pressing in like a cloud dispersed in an instant.

“Ah, ah….”

The flight attendants held back the crowd. The piercing gaze of the retreating masses, marked by bitter expressions, is sharp. It’s frightening. Disturbing. I want to die.

Why are they looking at us with those eyes? Those eyes, as if…

As if looking at a bug! I am not a bug!

I didn’t want to be like that either! I am not a murderer! I am not a murderer!

Please, just…

“Please, I, I beg you….”

Everyone, stop looking at us with those eyes.

* * * * *

Sophia Buse’s subtitle was greatly bewildered.

Father Antonelli, who was sharing a story, suddenly collapsed to the floor, tearing at his hair.

“Father Antonelli! Father Antonelli!”

“Sob, oh… sob….”

“Oh, really…! Father Antonelli! Get a grip!”

Lucio Antonelli, the head priest. He hunched over, cradling his head, and began to sob endlessly. Sophia Buse urgently opened the Bible.

“At, at times like this, there should be a prayer….”

Even while flipping through the Bible in a hurry, Father Antonelli just hunched over and sobbed. Continuously trembling, he muttered incomprehensible words.

“Sin, sorry…. I’m sorry….”

Father Antonelli stood up. Then, he knelt down and clutched his head.

“Father Antonelli! What are you doing right now…?”

“I, I am a murderer…. I’m sorry…. I am a filthy wretch…. I’m sorry….”

“Please get a hold of yourself! Oh, really…!”

“I will die! So please stop! Please! I’ll beg like this! Please!”

Suddenly, at Father Antonelli’s self-strangling actions, Sophia Buse rushed towards him.

“Are you insane! Father! Hands! Hands!”

“Sob…. Sorry, I’m sorry…. So please….”

“Get a grip, for God’s sake—!”

With great difficulty, Sophia Buse pulled her arm away, tearing her gaze away from the Bible that had already flown far away.

At this point, reciting a prayer seemed useless. If it had any effect, Father Antonelli would have taken action long ago.

“Sob, sob… I, I am….”

Father Antonelli, this time, embraced Sophia Buse, who was sitting in front of him, tightly.

“I, I didn’t want to…. I’ve lost everything too….”

“Sophia, my assistant….”

Sophia subjugation was deeply startled, but she did not push away Assistant Antonio. In her confusion in the sudden situation, Sophia’s small hand, which had been suspended in the air, gently brushed against the back of Assistant Antonio.

“It’s okay. It’s okay….”

“……”

She could feel the dampness of the priest’s robes.

The tears of Assistant Antonio, who was always as unyielding as stone. To Sophia, they didn’t seem like mere tears.

Just what had happened for him to be trembling in fear like this? What kind of hardships and adversities had he overcome for a man who was usually so cold to crumble in such a short moment?

Sophia clung to Assistant Antonio, whimpering. The priest, who was barely lying down on the bed, only murmured apologies with a face occasionally wet with tears.

“Sigh….”

Sophia brushed her sweat-drenched hair behind her ear. Though she was briefly taken aback by the sudden situation, she quickly calmed down, which was fortunate.

She sat by the side of Assistant Antonio, who seemed to have fallen asleep. Sophia’s emotions were complicated as she looked at him.

Sophia dragged the sofa to the side of the bed and closed her tired eyes.

“…I will listen later. I will listen later.”

Now is not the time.

Eventually, the room was filled with only the quiet sound of their breathing.