Academy’s PTSD Chaplain

29 – 29. Martyr’s Blood (6)

It happened in the middle of the night.

“Ugh…!”

I woke up, panting. The cool breeze licking my skin as it passed by was quite unpleasant.

“W-Where is this…?”

The sight of the solid earth split through the logs. Before me was a familiar wall of lamentation.

It was inside the trench. Everything was quiet. The sound of the beetles crying that I used to hear incessantly was absent here. Although there was a forest nearby, it was to be expected in a battlefield that had turned into a pile of ashes.

Soldiers lying motionless with their eyes closed came into view from my left and right. I cautiously raised my arm and checked my wristwatch.

Three o’clock in the morning. A time that looked strangely familiar, although I couldn’t pinpoint why.

Thump. Thump.

“This sound…”

A dripping sound. The sound of footsteps cautiously moving through the muddy ground. It was a futile effort to try and make no sound by treading lightly in this hovel that was not even fit for habitation.

Although it was still dawn, my mind was incredibly sensitive and sharp. A razor-sharp mind that was fueled by extreme fatigue allowed me to hear things that I wouldn’t norm

The unmistakably close footsteps thud heavily. Just as if they too heard the footsteps, the soldiers’ expressions hardened.

“Damn… Who are these crazy bastards who entered without fear?”

“Aren’t they dwarves? The footsteps are heavy, doesn’t seem like those elf bastards.”

“Hush…! Maintain radio silence, weapons at the ready. It’s the end if we’re caught.”

The soldiers fell silent. I gripped the gun tightly, staying still.

Tension rises. It feels like my heart is about to burst. I’m scared. An indescribable fear engulfs my whole body. I’m afraid my heartbeats will be audible to them.

Thump. Thump.

Now, they’re so close that it seems irreversible. I could sense it. Their footsteps are too close.

Two soldiers and I leaned against the wall of the trench. Around this corner of the wall, they would be right in front of us. The thought made my breathing quicken.

I gritted my teeth, holding my breath. Not a single sound should escape. The soldiers on both sides, hidden in the shadows, exchanged urgent whispers with tense expressions.

“Damn…! Sir, should I use the bayonet? Shall we charge out and kill them now?”

“What happened to Anderson? He must be the one making noise now…”

“Those bastards…! If they killed Anderson… I’ll beat them until they beg for mercy…”

“Hush! They’re coming…”

Thump. Thump.

Thump!

A pitch-black figure revealed itself. It reached up to my chest, and I was sure they were the dwarf reconnaissance team.

“Now! Kill them!”

“Aaargh!”

“These damn dwarf bastards!”

Thunk! Thunk! Plop! Splat!

The bayonet made a chilling sound as it pierced through flesh. The soldiers and I stabbed relentlessly at the shadowy figure.

Relentlessly slashing with bayonets, kicking with boots, swinging elbows down on what seemed like the throat. How much time passed?

Due to thrusting the bayonet into the presumed neck, the pitch-black figure, unable to scream, staggered and fell to the ground. We, gasping for breath, looked at it with bloodshot eyes.

“Heuk… Heuk…”

“D-damn…! Is it dead?”

“Phew… Damn, it’s too dark to see anything…”

I hesitated for a moment. Should I use my divine power to illuminate the darkness? But my hesitation became useless.

The moon, hidden by clouds, revealed itself, and we could see.

And there, we saw it.

“No, well….”

“What…?”

A crimson deer lying in a pitiful state, blood oozing out, having been brutally attacked.

We were extremely tense, to the point where our discernment was so compromised that we couldn’t even distinguish the shadow of the beast.

The pupils of the blood-stained deer, presumably flowing in from the nearby forest, rolled around. Those eyes turned towards me.

Yes, those blood-stained eyes were directed at me. Precisely at me, the deer, the red deer.

“Ugh…!”

Tick. Tick.

The sound of the clock ticking filled the room. I wiped my face with ragged breaths.

It was a familiar scene. My room. My cozy room located in the dormitory for faculty.

“A dream….”

It was a dream. I stared blankly at the blanket, running my hand across my forehead, feeling the chill.

Cold sweat soaked me. I threw the damp pillow aside and ran my fingers through my hair.

“Ah….”

I gazed at the wall clock.

The clock hands pointed exactly at three in the morning.

* * * * *

I left the dormitory. I planned to take a dawn stroll to cool my head a bit.

The dormitory felt stifling, and that was part of the reason. My room, which usually seemed excessively spacious, felt oddly cramped today.

As I stepped out of the dormitory, I felt an inexplicable sense of excitement. It was as if I had become a mischievous child doing something naughty.

I took a slow deep breath. The cool and fresh dawn air filled my lungs. Inhaling the invigorating air, I started walking.

“Should I go to the chapel?”

Rather than aimlessly wandering, it seemed better to stop by the chapel for a moment. I turned my steps toward the chapel.

Thanks to the short distance from the faculty dormitory, I quickly arrived at the chapel.

The sight of the chapel in the early dawn was even more majestic. The stained glass, faintly shining in the moonlight, was beautiful.

I recalled a previous visit to the chapel at a late hour due to a commotion caused by Father Giovanni. If nothing like that happened tonight, visiting the chapel at night wouldn’t be a bad idea.

As I reached the door of the chapel, I suddenly realized one thing.

“Oh, the key….”

I had forgotten the key. There was no one more foolish than me.

I didn’t want to go back to the dormitory. However, without the key, I couldn’t enter the chapel.

It was when I was hesitating in front of the church door.

“Father Antinelli?”

A familiar voice reached my ears. I turned my head towards the sound.

It was Father Pietro. He slowly approached me, wearing his usual kind smile.

“It’s good to see you like this. This meeting must be guided by the Lord as well.”

“…Is that so.”

I wasn’t completely comfortable. I wanted to enjoy a solitary night walk, without the desire to engage in conversation with anyone.

Whether he knew about my mood or not, Father Pietro suddenly stood beside me.

“By the way, why are you here, Father?”

“I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I would take a walk for a while.”

“What a coincidence. I’m the same.”

“Oh, I see.”

“If you don’t mind, would you like to walk together for a while?”

It was uncomfortable. But I couldn’t refuse Father Pietro’s offer with a smiling face.

I had once interrupted our conversation and rushed to the bathroom, so this time I decided to adapt to Father Pietro’s pace.

“Alright.”

Father Pietro and I strolled slowly around the church. The pathways of the academy grounds were well maintained, perfect for walking and pondering.

And so, we walked without speaking. Five minutes passed, then ten. As the silence grew longer, I wondered how much time had passed.

“Father Antinelli.”

Father Pietro broke the silence. I turned to face him.

“Yes, Father Pietro?”

“Has Father Camilla done something disrespectful to you, Father?”

“….”

Father Pietro seemed to already know. Why? What did Father Camilla say?

As if he could read my thoughts, Father Pietro slowly lowered his head.

“After you left, Father Camilla followed you outside. Her expression was fierce, which made me concerned….”

“…There was a bit of an unpleasant incident, but it’s nothing for you to worry about.”

“Is that so? Well then, that’s a relief…”

We continued to walk in silence. Thanks to the moonlight casting shadows on the grounds, we didn’t stumble in the darkness.

“This is what Father Camilla said.”

Father Pietro’s words pierced the silence once again, and I silently listened to his words.

“He is a pitiful child. Despite his stubbornness, he can gradually change for the better.”

“Is that so?”

“If that child has committed a transgression against Father Camilla, I will bow my head and apologize on his behalf. However…”

“Father Pietro.”

I interrupted his words, and Father Pietro looked at me.

“I may be mistaken, but it seemed that you and Father Camilla do not have a good relationship.”

“…Did it seem that way? Well, it may not be a wrong assumption.”

“Then I am curious as to why the city surrounds Father Camilla.”

Father Pietro remained silent for a while. I patiently waited for his response.

After a moment of silence, Father Pietro finally spoke up.

“I do not dislike Father Camilla, Father.”

“But your actions do not align with your words.”

“I simply resent the original sin committed by Father Camilla.”

Original sin.

I could immediately understand what it meant, as Father Pietro’s bitter eyes were fixed on me.

“Are you referring to the Great War?”

“You, too, participated in the Great War. After seeing your reaction that day, I realized it earlier.”

“…”

“I do not hate those who participated in the Great War. I only hate their sins.”

“Hate the sin, but not the sinner…”

“Antika Chapter 17, Verse 3.”

I realized that I had stopped walking when I noticed my trembling fist. I looked at Father Pietro with eyes filled with blame.

“What…use does that have? After all, isn’t it humans who ultimately commit sins?”

To me, it sounded like a play on words. It was something that those who viewed humans with a narrow perspective would say.

“I cannot agree with your words, Father Pietro. The essence of sin is human. Sin and humans cannot be seen as separate entities.”

“Father Antonelli.”

“We are people living with sin. And people like me and Father Camilla even more so. It means that we are so intertwined that we cannot be separated.”

Father Pietro, who was a few steps ahead of me, stopped and turned to face me.

“Those words sound like you are acknowledging that Father Antonelli is also a sinner.”

“Well then, isn’t that so? Father Peter, don’t you think the same? You’re also a citizen of the Holy Empire!”

In the end, I screamed. It felt like my chest was so tight that I would suffocate. I was drowning in haunted memories, choking.

“All the people of the Holy Empire said the same thing! Murderers! Pay for your sins! I felt that senseless hatred all over my body!”

Father Peter showed no reaction. He just looked at me. I shouted even louder, consumed by evil.

“But now, do we not hate people? Are sins and people separate?! Now!”

My clenched fist trembled. The feeling of nails digging into flesh made my palms itch.

“If you were going to say such things, you should have said them from the beginning…”

“…”

“From the beginning, shouldn’t you have said it like that…”

I turned my head away from Father Peter. Almost instinctively, I started to walk away. I was determined to return to the dormitory like this.

“Then, are you going to continue struggling in the pit of original sin?”

If I hadn’t heard Father Peter’s next words, I wouldn’t have known.

“It’s admirable to take on the responsibility of the sins you’ve committed. However, if that prevents you from moving forward in life… I cannot agree with that.”

“What do you know to say such things?”

“At least, I know that Father Antonelli is not at fault.”

“!”

I stared blankly at him. My body, which had half-turned away, was now facing Father Peter.

“Father Antonelli. Can’t you see the wall right in front of you? How long are you going to insist on facing the wall and turning back on the distant thorny path just because you’ve encountered a wall?”

“I…”

“It’s just a maze without an exit. In that case, you have to jump over the wall. You have to move forward no matter what!”

Father Peter walked slowly. Hot tears flowed down his wrinkled eyes.

I turned my head away from him. It was difficult to look at Father Peter.

“Can I… be forgiven?”

In my murmured words, Father Peter’s response followed.

“Judging sins is solely the work of the Lord.”

“…”

“So, as servants of the Lord… we must move forward.”

I silently contemplated his words.

Slowly, very slowly.

After dissecting his words one by one, I eventually nodded heavily.

“…Let’s go back. It’s getting late.”

I slowly made my way back to the dormitory. Father Pedro muttered in Moore’s language, following behind me.

“Sin entered the world, but sin is only viewed as below humanity as long as humans are not evil…”

Genesis Chapter 2, Verse 4.

Those words, like a dagger, stabbed into my heart.

…Why was that?