ALL NOVEL 82. No Easy Answers (Amy)
"You called, my Goddess?" Raven asked as she bowed before me. She was in her goth coed attire rather than her angel of doom look, with a casual black dress, black tights, and black ankle-boots.
I nodded, "Yeah. Have a seat Raven, make yourself comfortable. Can I offer you some whiskey?"
She straightened up then settled on the love-seat across from me before responding, "I'll always accept a drink from my Goddess. Is this meant to be a social call? It was my understanding that when you summoned me with my true name it was because you wished me to attend you in an official capacity."
"I want to talk business," I stated, as I conjured up a tumbler and a double-measure of her favourite drink on the coffee table in front of her. A glass full of cool crisp wine appeared in my hand as I added, "But that doesn't mean we can't be comfortable or casual."
My angel reached forward and picked up her glass, then settled back in her seat again. She had a sip of her drink, then quietly waited for me to speak again.
I was sitting cross-legged at one end of the sofa, and despite it being the middle of a Thursday afternoon I hadn't actually got dressed yet. I wasn't going to bother unless I had to go out someplace. Until then, all I had on was a nightshirt.
After a sip of my wine I sighed, "I've got some concerns, and I figured you might have some suggestions or advice on what I should do about things. First up, it's been almost eight weeks since Tess and I tried to help Ada. I know she's happy and grateful for what we did for her, but the fall-out from that miracle has left her with a number of challenges."
"Not just her," I added. "It's put a lot of stress and strain on April, and on their relationship."
Raven took another sip of whiskey then asked, "What would you have me do?"
I grimaced, "That's just it, I don't know? It's a complicated situation and I can't see any quick or easy solutions, which is why I need some advice on how to handle it."
She frowned, "What have they asked for? What do they want you to do?"
"Nothing," I shook my head. "April hasn't prayed to me since that night. I don't think she's gone as far as forsaking me, but she's definitely unhappy with how things have turned out."
I continued, "As for Ada, she prays almost every day? She's not asking for anything though, she mostly just gives thanks for her miracle. Or she tells me what's going on in her life, what challenges or successes she's had. I think she'd do better if she bought herself a diary or journal, but I guess it's easier to just tell me that stuff rather than write it down."
Raven's frown stayed in place as she commented, "If they're not asking for anything, then I don't understand what the problem is."
"The problem is even though Ada's happy with her miracle," I explained with a sigh, "It's caused a bunch of hardships and trouble in other areas of her life. Her parents kicked her out and disowned her. Her relationship with her girlfriend is in jeopardy because April's having trouble adjusting to how drastically Ada changed. April's final grades suffered because she was stressed and distracted, and Ada didn't even write her exams because of problems getting the profs and admin staff at university to accept her identity, despite the updated records I provided."
I sighed again, "Basically it feels like both Ada's and April's lives are slowly falling apart, and I don't know what to do about it? All because we were in a hurry to help Ada. Me, Tess, April, and Ada herself, we were all in a rush to give her a miracle. If we'd waited a month or two, most of those problems wouldn't have come up."
My angel sat back on the love-seat and had a long sip of her whiskey as she seemed to be considering everything I'd just told her. I had a gulp of my wine while I watched and waited for her to respond.
It took another minute or so before Raven finally spoke, "If they haven't asked for anything then there's nothing to be done. It's as simple as that."
"But they're not happy," I replied with a frown. "April especially. Ada's happy about some things, but stressed about everything else. And they wouldn't be in this situation if Tess and I hadn't gotten involved. I won't go so far as to say it's our fault, since I'm confident that things would have turned out better if Ada had been more up-front about some things. Like her family situation, that's the big one. And maybe if she'd been more open with April about what she really wanted, what sort of miracle she was going to ask for? Either way though, the bottom line is I gave her a miracle and it's slowly messing up the rest of her life."
"I think it cost Tess her confidence too," I added. "She was really excited about using that magic and doing miracles in my name up till that point, but since then she hasn't even mentioned it."
Raven slowly shook her head, "I'd rather not get involved in the question of Theresa's confidence. As for the situation with Ada and April, I've already said there's nothing to be done."
"I think perhaps this may be a learning experience for you?" she said after a brief pause. "Mortals will ask for things all the time, without considering the long-term consequences. If you give them what they wish for and it turns out to harm them in the future, that is not your responsibility. They can always ask you to fix things, they should know that if you've answered them once you might do it again. On the other hand, you're under no obligation to grant every single request or answer every prayer."
She drained the last of her whiskey then set the empty glass down before continuing, "If you try and help Ada or April on your own initiative, rather than in response to a request from one of them or the other, that may do more harm than good. You could come across as meddling. As an over-protective mother seeking to coddle them. The same goes for any of your other worshipers. They aren't helpless children in need of protection from the world at large."
My angel paused once more, before finishing with "I think this may be your human side coming through, my Goddess. You're worried about the wellbeing and happiness of your faithful, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, if you wish to maintain the illusion of separation between Amy and the Goddess, you should not let those human emotions influence your divine actions. As a Goddess you need to let people make mistakes and give them the opportunity to learn from them. I imagine in some ways it's similar to being a parent, except with even less obligation to intervene."
When she finished I let out a long sigh, then had a gulp of wine. I finally nodded, "Ok Raven. I get what you're saying. It's not really the kind of answer I'd been hoping for, but I understand the point you're making."
"I'll probably need a little while to actually accept that you're correct and stop worrying about it though," I added with a slight grimace.
She just nodded once in response, then waited to see if there was anything else I wanted to discuss. So I gestured at her glass, which dutifully refilled itself with Irish whiskey. I figured that was as good a way as any to let her know we weren't finished yet.
I had another sip of my wine, then magically topped up my own glass as well before addressing her again, "In the first few weeks after we helped Ada and met with Abby I picked up a number of new faithful. There were the ones you and I visited in person, but beyond that there were over a dozen more who reached out to me through prayer. They'd heard of me by word of mouth, from Abby or from others I'd helped. It seems like that's tapered off though, and I'm curious if you have any suggestions or insight into why. And what we can do about it."
"I'm already aware of one reason," I said while Raven was still considering her response. "Neither April or Ada have been discussing me or what I've done for them online. Tess and I both thought they'd be talking up their miracles among their other trans friends, but that hasn't happened. I assume it's because of the problems and hardships they're dealing with, which is another reason I'd really like to help them get past those challenges."
My angel looked thoughtful again as she took a sip of her drink. After a couple more seconds she replied, "I can think of two explanations for the surge of new followers you had at the end of May has tapered off."
"The first that comes to mind is the simplest," she continued quietly. "There were likely only a limited number of demi-humans transformed by those enchanted toys. Some of them may not have needed any help at all. And of those who needed help, it's equally plausible that not every one is active online or in the same communities as Abby Hayes. And finally, of the group who need your help and are in a position to learn about you, not all of them would be inclined to accept it. Some will be sceptical, others will be outright hostile to the concept of a Goddess showing up and solving their problems."
"In other words," she concluded, "Perhaps the surge of followers ended because you've already reached everyone who needs, wants, and is willing to accept your assistance."
I frowned, "Perhaps. It's a very small number though. I don't know, I thought there'd be more of them?"
"That was the first thing," I added after some more wine. "What's the second?"
Raven replied, "The status quo may be acting passively as a damper, rendering word of mouth much less effective. When people read the fantastic accounts posted online by Abby and others, any inherent scepticism they have could be amplified by that effect."
"Granted, that's less likely to be a factor in mortals who've already been transformed into demi-humans," she conceded. "But humans who've yet to experience any direct first-hand magic or miracles are much more likely to dismiss out of hand any online claims of a Goddess performing miracles for those who ask. Even more-so when such claims are made by individuals whom they perceive to be in some fantastic costume, such as a demi-human like Abby Hayes."
"So even if April and Ada were talking about their miracles online, that probably won't go anywhere regardless?" I asked with a sigh. "People just won't believe it. And videos would be dismissed as fakes, just as readily as pictures. Someone like Abby posts a selfie, it's 'obviously' a filter. Or she's in cosplay."
My angel nodded, "That's correct my Goddess."
I frowned as I thought all that over while taking another deep sip of my wine. Meanwhile Raven enjoyed some more of her drink as well. Another thought crossed my mind and I asked, "Could May Hawthorne be doing something to stifle things? Maybe it's coincidence, but it feels like we lost momentum some time after you and I visited her."
Raven shook her head, "I strongly doubt she even knows what discord is. I would be very surprised if she was expending any effort online to thwart you. My impression of that meeting is if anything, she'd be watching carefully to see how you fare. She might even attempt to copy some of your strategies, if they prove successful in her eyes."
"That's good to know," I smiled. "I'm glad you don't think she'd a threat anyways, or that she'd be trying to interfere or stop me."
"I believe if she meant to stop you," my angel replied, "May Hawthorne would be much more direct about it. She has no need for subtlety in her dealings with you, my Goddess."
That was both good and bad, but mostly I was glad that I didn't have to worry about her interference. On the other hand it also meant there was no simple answer or solution either, and we were left with the status quo being the most likely explanation.
After another minute or two I finally asked, "So what do we do? I get that it's not going to be easy, and I know I won't be gaining a dozen worshipers every month, let alone every week. But it feels like we had some good progress from the end of April through to the end of May, then it just sort of stalled out."
"If word of mouth isn't going to cut it then what other options do we have?" I added. "I know we can't start advertising, we can't do stuff in public, we can't prove to people in general that magic exists and the gods walk among them. So what do we do?"
She frowned slightly and finished the last of her second drink, then when she did finally respond it was with a question. "Are you in a hurry to grow your worship, my Goddess? Less than three months ago you were rather vocal about not wanting any worshipers, and you indicated you were in fact uncomfortable with the idea. It seems to me that something has changed since then."
I frowned as it struck me she had a point. I ended up drinking the last of my wine as I tried to remember if it was a conscious decision or not.
"You're right," I finally responded. "I was very reluctant at first. Then the idea came up of being a queer goddess, helping queer people, and I guess I've been focused on that ever since? You raise a good point though, this isn't about me or about growing my numbers. My goal is to help queer people. There's obviously a lot of overlap as a queer goddess, helping them does help me in the long run, but it's not the same goal."
"The problem right now is I'm not helping anyone," I added. "So back to my earlier question, how do we get the word out to more people if the status quo is already pushing back? I thought word of mouth was supposed to be the most reliable option in this case?"
Raven nodded slowly, "Word of mouth is still the most reliable option I think. How many people have you helped in the last three months?"
"Only about two dozen," I sighed. "That's including Krissy and Leah, April and Ada, and all the demi-humans we contacted through Abby, and the ones who've reached out to me through prayer."
My angel gave me a sympathetic look, "I know that's nothing compared to the number of people who could potentially use your help my Goddess. But in terms of worshipers or faithful, it's a phenomenal recovery from the zero you had for the previous two decades. I believe that's pushed you well past someone like May Hawthorne, and countless other small forgotten deities that once existed throughout the world."
I frowned, "Maybe, but like we just established that isn't my goal. There's a lot more people out there who could use my help. I get that we have to tread lightly though. And I guess the main thing is I need to bear in mind that they have to ask for help first. Otherwise I'm interfering in their lives."
She agreed, "Yes my Goddess."
