Be a girl

I remembered my umbrella the next day. It was a bit easier with it raining in the morning. Nothing much, only a light drizzle. I may not have been saturated if I’d forgotten it, but I didn’t want to be any amount of wet.

In homeroom, Jaxon and I did not talk to each other. We acknowledged each other’s presence but nothing more. His smile was gone, just like it was last night. I didn’t want to speak to him, and it seemed he didn’t want to speak to me either.

When recess rolled around, Jaxon acted like absolutely nothing had happened. Around the rest of his friends, he placed back on his mask of exuberance and pretended like nothing was wrong. I did the same, though my usual demeanor was glum, so it wasn’t exactly a difficult task for me. I would have preferred to spend this time alone, but in the interest of not arousing suspicion, I had to meet up with the group. Even Isabel, who was most likely to comment on any shift in behaviour from me, didn’t notice that anything was up. Good. What occurred last night was strictly between Jaxon and me.

Lunch was a similar story. I kept to the side of the conversation, not really engaging, which was fairly usual. Of course, Izzy struck up small conversations with me a few times, and I did my best to not let her suspect anything. Based on my admittedly limited ability to read people, I was successful. Hopefully.

Jaxon and I did not walk home together that evening. I wanted to keep my distance from him, and now that we were away from the prying eyes of the wider friend group, we no longer needed to keep up appearances. Jaxon respected my wishes.

Much to Oscar’s chagrin, I declined his offer to play games that night. He could play games with Jaxon if he wanted. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone. I didn’t particularly care for his annoyance towards me. I simply was not in the mood.

I continued to pretend like nothing was wrong after being dropped off at mum’s place. My main hope was that Jaxon didn’t wander around the neighbourhood again and stumble upon my mum’s house. Sure, he was unlikely to do that, but it wasn’t out of the question after Thursday night’s ordeal. If he met my actual mother, there would be no way he wouldn’t connect the dots and figure out my biggest secret. I could not let that happen.

By this point, I was very much accustomed to mum treating James like her daughter. James was still resistant, but he was far less vocal about it. He was beginning to resign himself to his fate. His mood, glum and depressed. Reminded me of myself.

It was a fairly standard weekend, for the most part. Mum asked me if I had any homework, I said I left it at school (a common occurrence), and then I played some card games with my aunty. It wasn’t like I left my homework at school on purpose, but even if I hadn’t, I still wouldn’t have done it. I simply did not care for it.

Monday was a completely different story to Friday. Having given me some space these past few days, Jaxon decided it was finally time to confront me. After school, he approached me and insisted that he walk home with me. I tried my best to brush him off, but he wasn’t having any of it, so I eventually begrudgingly agreed.

I looked upwards towards the overcast sky and hoped that I could be home before it began to rain. The chances were not looking good. But I did remember to bring my umbrella this time, so it wasn’t the end of the world. Whether Jaxon remembered to bring his was another question.

Jaxon was mask off – as he called it – on our walk, no silly grins, no boisterous laughter, no hyperenergetic displays. No, instead he wore a solemn expression. We both remained silent for several minutes of our walk.

“You know, Bea sounds like a cute name for a cute girl,” Jaxon said out of nowhere, about halfway through our journey to his home. His words shook me out of my thoughts, bringing my attention back to the real world. Where did that come from? What did he mean?

“Huh?”

“Your initials: B-E-A,” he explained, enunciating each of the letters of my initials, “spell a name: Bea. I’m just saying it would be a B-E-A-utiful name for a girl.”

Oh, right, my initials. I didn’t even realise they spelt out a name. Though I couldn’t deny that he was right: it was a cute sounding name for a girl. I had no idea why he might mention something like that, however. Was he suggesting a name for a future hypothetical child? We were both far too young to be thinking such thoughts, in my opinion.

“I guess?” I replied nonplussed. “I’m not sure what your point is though.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. Ok? Why bring it up then? He was acting strangely, and not just because his usual exuberance had disappeared.

We continued walking without saying a word to each other for another few minutes, before Jaxon stopped the both of us, not far from his home. He sighed, deep and heavy, and stared at me with solemn eyes. “Listen, I’m sorry about last week.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I replied dismissively. Jaxon did not take the hint.

“Ben, please, you have to tell me what’s wrong,” he pleaded.

I responded with nothing more than a sharp exhale. Hands in my pockets, I continued walking without a word. Without even looking at the tall boy beside me, I knew that his face was painted with concern. In the few weeks I’d known him, I’d learnt that he really did care about my wellbeing. A fact that would have surprised the version of me from only a few months ago. But I simply could not tell him what was wrong. He couldn’t know. 

“Please Ben, I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

I didn’t need his help. I needed him to back away from this topic and stay away from my family. “It’s nothing,” I said, hoping he got the message.

He didn’t.

“It’s obviously not nothing,” he scoffed. He paused for a moment and sighed. “Look, I realise I upset you last week, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. But I can’t make amends if you don’t talk to me about it. I’m still not even sure exactly what it was that I did that upset you in the first place.”

I gave myself a moment to think of a response. I didn’t want to respond, but I knew in my heart that it was necessary. I wasn’t getting out of this. Jaxon wouldn’t let me leave without an answer. He patiently waited for my response, keeping quiet the entire time I was formulating it. “You said it yourself: I have secrets that I don’t want to get out.”

“Is that what you’re worried about? Your secrets getting out?”

I sighed. “Yes. I don’t want anyone learning them, not even you.”

“Ben, it’s ok,” he said calmly while gently placing a hand on my shoulder, “If I ever find out what they are, I promise I won’t tell anyone. And I won’t judge you for them either.”

I shook my head and brushed his hand off of me. Sure, he said he wouldn’t judge me, but there was no way he wouldn’t. I had ruined lives. I was capable of ruining more if I wasn’t careful. “Doesn’t matter. It’s better if no one ever knows.”

Silence.

It was a good while before Jaxon finally spoke up, his voice cutting through the silence like a hot knife through butter. I didn’t speak a word during this time. I wanted to leave him, let him make the rest of his journey home on his own. But he likely would have stopped me. He mulled everything over, stroking at his thick beard pensively. Nothing could prepare me for what he said.

“It’s about your dad, isn’t it?”

The shock was instantaneous. My heart rate spiked more than it had ever before in my life as adrenaline surged through my veins. A sickness formed in my stomach, clawing at my insides painfully, threatening me with the urge to vomit. But throwing up wouldn’t cleanse my body of the sheer anxiety from the realisation I’d just had.

This entire time.

Jaxon knew.

I kept telling myself that he didn’t yet. To keep myself from losing my mind. All these little lies, convincing myself that everything was fine, that my secret was safe and sound. That if I avoided talking to him, it would reduce the risk of exposing me. That everything was fine.

But nothing was fine. It never was.

I bolted. Trying to get as far away from my friend as I could possibly manage. I willed my little legs to push harder than they’d ever done in my life. Would I be able to outrun the giant behind me? Absolutely not. But did that stop me from wanting to get away, even if my attempt was futile? Of course not. My only hope was that he didn’t follow. That he understood that I couldn’t be near him anymore.

Alas, nothing in my life ever went the way I wished. My legs were neither built nor trained for running, and all it took to bring me slamming into the ground was a concrete block on the footpath that was slightly higher than the rest. My foot clipped the edge, and my balance was immediately lost.

I tumbled onto the concrete slab, my body instinctively attempting to mitigate damage by landing in a roll. Unfortunately, the school bag hanging off my back halted the rotation immediately, sending me sliding along the ground instead.

I didn’t want to get up. My body ached all over. I wanted to cry but no tears came. I wanted to disappear. The world would be better off. No more worries, no more woes, and no more lives ruined.

“Ben! Are you ok!?” Jaxon exclaimed, rushing up to my prone form.

No, I was not ok. My first friend in so long knew one of my most shameful secrets, and he was going to hate me for it. No matter what he said, I knew that on the inside he would think me a freak. A disgusting little freak. He might pretend like nothing was wrong – he was good at that – but deep down he would believe me repulsive. I should have known better than to think I deserved a friend. I shouldn’t have taken the risk.

Jaxon bent over me. I looked into his worried eyes and hoped he would just leave me alone. But he didn’t go. “Are you hurt?” he asked, his eyes flicking around my body, inspecting it for any injuries. I said nothing at all. I simply remained laying on the ground, unmoving, breathing shakily. Not receiving any sort of response from me he asked another question, “Can you stand?”

I sighed. Why was he still here? He should have just left me here. Gotten out of my life. It was better that way.

He held out a hand for me to grab. I stared at it, contemplating whether or not I take it. I couldn’t comprehend why he was still helping me when he undoubtedly believed me to be a freak. But here he was, still wanting to help me.

Well, he was offering, and I doubted he would rescind that offer anytime soon, knowing him. I could lie here staring at it for hours and he’d still patiently wait for me. Either that, or he’d pick me up and carry me home. It wouldn’t even be difficult for him.

I sure as hell did not want to be carried though. And having to choose between that and being helped back to my feet, I chose the latter. I grabbed his outstretched hand and gripped it firmly. It felt like he was going to yank my arm out of its socket, but the sensation passed quickly once I was back onto my feet.

“Thanks,” I whispered meekly, looking up at him. But he didn’t return the gaze, instead focusing on his hand. I focused my own gaze on the hand in question, the one he’d pulled me to my feet with. He rotated and flexed it, as if there were something wrong with it.

That was when I noticed that his hand was more slender and less hairy. I peered down at my own hand. The bottom of my glove had been pulled up slightly, exposing a small portion of bare skin on my palm.

No no no no no no no no no no no no! Not again!

I couldn’t deal with this again!

Why did this keep happening? Why was I even capable of this? I didn’t ask for this! I got dealt the shittiest hand imaginable, and for what reason? Was the universe trying to punish me for some crime I didn’t even know I’d committed? Why why why why why why why why!?

I wanted to scream, but my voice betrayed me, not emitting a single sound. Instead, I began to hyperventilate.

I couldn’t be here any longer. I needed to be away from all of this, and my legs obeyed, carrying me away from the friend whose life I had irreparably altered. Away from the person who’d reached out to me for no reason. Who wanted to be my friend, despite my zero redeeming qualities. The person whose life I’d just ruined.

Why couldn’t I just be normal? Why did I have to be such a weirdo freak? I could change another’s sex with a simple touch. That on its own was already fucked up as it was. But then, despite those people clearly loathing the change, I couldn’t help but feel envious of them. What was wrong with me? I shouldn’t want that to happen to me. It was wrong. Disgusting. Vile. Perverted.

And yet, I did. So fucking badly. But life didn’t ever want to be kind to me. I was clearly fucked in the head. But I could never rid myself of those thoughts, no matter how much I pushed them to the back of my mind. They always lingered, never too far from reach. Whispering in my ear. But I couldn’t listen. They were demons in my head. Listening to them only led to pain.

But the voice was getting harder to ignore. Every time I saw my father or brother, it whispered in my ear. Reminding me of the only thing I ever wanted in my entire life. An impossibility. One that I could grant to others. But not myself. No matter how much I wished it. I didn’t even know why I wanted it. I just did.

I arrived home without no memory of how I got there. Jaxon was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t even notice that it had started pouring with rain until I slowed to stop in front of the house. I was completely saturated and out of breath. I tried to collect myself before entering, but my mind was racing as fast as my heartbeat.

Dad was sitting on the lounge, reading a book. As I entered the room, he looked up, and asked me how I was doing. I paid him no heed and headed straight for the bathroom.

Stripping my clothes off, I entered the shower. The hot water flowing over my body seemed to activate something in my brain, and the floodgates opened. I slid my back down the tiled wall of the shower as I sat down, wailing. I had no doubt that dad could hear me, but I didn’t care anymore. I let it all out.