Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

I was never a church guy before. I mean, I grew up in what could best be described as a heavily Christian household, but I was always a bit more of an agnostic myself. That didn’t mean I wasn’t appreciative of all the art and culture surrounding religion. Heck, going to cathedrals was always on my bucket list whenever we jetted to some new country on vacation. Whether it was a golden temple in South Asia or an imposing gothic edifice in Europe, they all carried the same feeling of reverence and history.

None of which could carry a candle to the Cathedral of the Gods in Minnova. The epic latin refrains of ‘O Fortuna’ pulsed in my mind as I beheld it. At least, the parts I could remember; I was pretty sure ‘gopher tuna’ wasn’t latin.

The casino had been covered in magic, and the Market was something straight out of fantasy, but the Cathedral was something else. I paused in wonder at the bottom of the first step, looking up and up and UP nearly to the roof of the cavern. The cathedral was made of some kind of white stone with black detailing and every square centimeter was etched or carved in some way. A rainbow curtain of light hung in the air around it, an aurora that bathed the artistic surface of the cathedral in cloying light. Flickering shadows of humans, elves, dwarves, gnomes, and dragons cavorted upon majestic frescos. A pair of belfries with crystalline bells sat far above, and as I gawked, they chimed a song that filled my heart and soul with peace.

You have gained the [Calm] condition.

Well, that was something. Was it magical, holy, or some other kind of effect? If my Wisdom got high enough, would I be able to resist it? Not that I was angry about a lower blood pressure right now. This was my first time walking into a church feeling like I was there to beat up the pope.

If I was honest with myself, I'd mostly gotten over the whole [Alchemist] Title thing; the Blessings had saved my life, and [Alchemist] kind of suited me. But I was still pissed at Barck for forcing it on me. Every person on this rock got a choice except me, and I was seriously considering giving him a one-two to the jaw if we ever met.

A constant stream of worshipers streamed in and out of the church. I was surprised to see some were completely unarmored, wearing pure white robes and golden cloaks. I assumed they had to be clergy. My assumption was corroborated when a pair of dwarves exited the church carrying a small blonde moustached baby. They paused to converse with one of the more elderly white-robed figures. He made some kind of gesture, and said something I couldn’t hear over the din of the market. There was a faint glow around the baby, the parents smiled and bowed, and then the group broke up.

Well, time to stop procrastinating. I climbed up the stairs and passed through the double doors, which were flanked by a pair of dwarves in white-ish blue plate mail. I recognized it as Mithril and managed to avoid gawking. Those pieces of armour had to be worth millions of gold! The pair looked me over as I walked in, and I guessed they were using some kind of Milestone or Blessing. I shivered a bit. What kind of spirit-stripping powers could a pair of guards for a Church have? It made me glad that intrusive spirit stuff was illegal, at least according to Diamond.

Surely the Church wouldn’t do something illegal? Right?

The inside of the church was somehow even more impressive than the outside. It reminded me a lot of the Sistine Chapel, with paintings covering nearly every single surface. Except these paintings were moving, acting out scenes within. An enormous organ sat against one wall. At least, I think it was an organ? I wasn’t sure because it actually looked more akin to bagpipes the size of a semi-truck.

There were several massive statues stationed through the church, each depicting a single God replete with their own magical effect. Aaron’s statue was a human with a swirl of water surrounding it, arcs of multi-coloured fluid spinning up to the ceiling. Lunara was an ebony elf cloaked in darkness that practically had substance, while Solen was some kind of weird fangy frilly person that was impossibly bright to look at. Finally, Barck was a verdant statue of a dwarf off to the western side of the church, with an enormous silver tree growing out of the base. Those were all the Gods I could make out from the entrance.

There must have been hundreds of people in here, and I was a bit stumped about where to start. Did I go to the statue of Barck? Maybe I should grab a white-robed acolyte and say, ‘Hi, I’m here to see a [Prophet].’ Gutsy, but it would probably put me in a line half a kilometer long. I doubted Annie would let me back into the Goat until I figured stuff out, and I didn’t want to be here for hours.

I dithered for a moment until the problem was suddenly solved for me.

“Hello, Peter Roughtuff?”

“Uh… yes?” I looked around and then down at a short gnome in white robes. “Can I help you?” My eyes narrowed. “Check that, do I know you?”

“You are expected. Prophet Barnes will see you now.” He turned and went into a side alcove, then popped back out and waved at me to follow.

Well… Yay? Shit? Score? Damn? There was possibly a word here that captured my simultaneous feelings of relief and gut-churning dread, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I was expected!? I swear if they bring me in front of the congregation to announce I’m the new hero anointed by the Gods I was going to blow this building to kingdom come. Inner Peace, Pete, you’re calm as a cucumber. Inner Peace.

I peeked into the alcove and looked up and up and UP. First, apparently, I had to climb a couple hundred stairs.

—

The white-bearded dwarf with traditional knots and pleats stood up from his rather plain wooden desk and smiled as I entered the room. He was wearing the same robes as the rest of the acolytes, just with a bit more gold stitching. His voice was leathery with age as he spoke. “Ah, the hero of the hour!”

I almost turned around and bolted. The [Calm] was all that kept me from bowling over the acolyte behind me and fleeing out the nearest window, the fall be damned.

“Hello [Prophet].” I smiled back and made a small bow like I’d seen the dwarven couple do below. He nodded in return and held his hand up to make a sign that kind of looked like a ‘K’. His pointer and pinky fingers were held straight up with his ring finger down. His middle and thumb fingers met in the middle. It kind of looked like crackling tongues of fire.

“Come in, come in. Thank you Paddlefoot.” He waved the acolyte out and invited me to take a seat. The door swung shut behind me, cutting off an joyous shout of "HEY, I JUST GOT-". The [Prophet]'s office was made of the same whitish stone as the rest of the temple, but was otherwise quite utilitarian. Besides a few beautiful tapestries, it looked like nothing so much as a standard middle management office. Then again, I guess a [Prophet] was essentially middle management for Gods?

“I heard from the acolyte that you were expecting me, Prophet Barnes?” I began.

“Right to business! Yes, yes, we were.” The [Prophet] leaned back in his leather chair and steepled his fingers. There was a moment of stretched silence while he observed me. A couple papers rustled and shifted on the table from a slight draft.

“Um… can I ask why?”

“You can.” He smiled. Shit, did I just get dad-joked by a multi-centenarian?

“Why?” I kept my tone firm, but a little plaintiveness may have leaked in.

“Because I knew you were coming.” He grinned.

“Now yer just playin’ games.”

“Hah! Guilty. You looked like you needed some levity. To answer your question, Barck told me you would be coming by. Your visit is the final and most important task on my plate today, lad, so your presence means I’ll soon be free. I plan to go and have a couple drinks with my brother; he’s visiting from the capital, you see. Thank you for not coming late!”

Right, that made things easier. “Well, I’m here. Why did you want me?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, why did you come?”

“Seriously?”

“I’m not a [Telepath].”

“So you don’t have any messages for me?”

“No, not at all. I was simply told you would be arriving.”

“Well, you asked me to come. I figured there would be something.”

“Not in particular. Should there be?” He leaned forward and smiled.

Wow, what a loaded question. “I kind of wanted to talk to Barck…”

“There is a statue downstairs, He will hear your prayers.” Prophet Barnes pointed a finger down through the floor. We stared at each other, at an impasse.

I stood slowly out of my chair. What in tha’ nether was this? “I guess I’ll go downstairs then?”

Barnes nodded and bent his head to sign some papers. “You do that. Blessings of the Gods be upon you, child.”

“Uh… thanks, you too.”

I made my way to the door without taking my eyes off of the [Prophet]. He ignored me and continued his work. I opened the door behind me and stepped through, but he never moved.

And then I was falling.

—

Prophet Barnes chuckled as he heard the scream and the door snapped shut. [Pinnacle Portal] was such a fun Blessing.

He finished off the last few pieces of paperwork and stood up, stretching his stooped back as he did so. The rusty joints popped and cracked; these young upstart [Healers] just weren’t as good as he remembered. Back in his day, the head [Healer] would have been able to fix his rheumatism in a heartbeat! Maybe he was getting a bit too old to stay hunched up in this drafty office for hours on end. It was time to see about getting one of the new [Prophets] from the capital.

Barnes hummed a little as he stepped out the door and into the hallway leading to the stairs. The new Whistlemugs sweeping Minnova's drinking scene were going to be a fun surprise for his brother! His Grace always loved interesting new ideas.

Pete was nowhere to be seen.

In the atrium far below, the emerald eyes of Barck flashed with an inner light. The congregation looked about in consternation, but nothing happened.

–

Thankfully, the ground broke my fall. I bounced a few times, and scraped a knee, but the grass provided a nice cushion.

The… grass.

I felt it beneath and around me, the slightly wet crispness of it against my skin. It had the earthy scent of cuttings when I mowed the lawn for Caroline. It was the prickly texture on my back as I played cloud animals with Sammy. For an instant I was back on Earth, and I nearly wept.

I stayed there for a while, staring up with watery eyes at a grey sky filled with mist. There was a sun up there somewhere, so I wasn’t underground anymore, and definitely not in Kansas. It was glorious.

A dull roaring sound filled the air, but it didn’t sound like an animal or civilization. Maybe a waterfall? I eventually stood up so I could have a better look around. My current location was on the side of some hill or mountain, with a black wall of stone just a few dozen meters ahead and a sheer drop another dozen meters behind me. There wasn’t a single animal or tree to be seen. Just waist-high green grass, boulders the size of houses, and a black cliffside shrouded in white.

That was when I heard it: the sound of footfalls. Each a thundering boom that drowned out the ever-present roar. I looked around wildly and saw an enormous shadow sweep through the fog just beyond the cliff.

“HELLO MR PHILLIPS”

You have lost the [Calm] Condition.

You have gained the [Terrified] Condition.

Holy God-zilla! Only now did I realize that years of cartoon myths and tiny nativities had primed me for Gods to be regular sized people. My ears ached, nearby boulders quaked, as the voice avalanched across the mountain.

“OR SHOULD I CALL YA PETER SAMSON? OR PETER ROUGHTUFF? YOU ‘AVE EARNED SO MANY NEW NAMES IN SUCH A SHORT TIME.”

A craggy face loomed out of the mist, twenty stories tall. His beard was a shuffling canopy of trees, His moustache a sweeping mat of cattails, His skin a vibrant mat of blooming algae with the texture of cowhide. His eyes were a galaxy and I tore my gaze away before my soul fell into the emerald abyss. The rest of Him was lost to the mist, His titanic mass a shifting shade amongst the depths. My eyes just barely perceived him for what He was. He was a dwarf, but He wasn’t a dwarf.

*bing*

You have beheld a God!

Perception has increased by 1! Your new Perception is 16.1!

“I UNDERSTAND YA WANT TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE? I COULD LEAN IN AN’ GIVE YOU A CHANCE.”

I may have peed a little.