Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

*knock* *knock* *knock*

“Balin, do you want to get that?” I rolled over in my bed. The two of us were sharing a tenement room a little ways away from the brewery. We finally had enough money to live independently, and I refused to allow my brother to live under the same roof as the woman he was courting. “Ugh, what time is it?”

*groaaaan*

Not that it mattered. He still snuck out to make out with her every night.

*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*

“Argh, fine, I’ll do it. ONE MINUTE! Wake up Balin, we’re installing the hopback today.”

*GROOAAANNN* was my only answer.

I put on a tunic and leather pants and made my way to the door. I tried to pat my beard down, but I always had the worst morning beard, and it poofed up practically to my eyes. The knocking grew louder. “Don’t get Lunara’s Lace in a knot!! I’m comin’!!”

I swung the door open.

A red false-moustachioed gnome in a wide brimmed cowboy hat and cloak stood at my door. He looked panicked.

“Whistlemop? Do you have any idea what time it is!? Why are you in that dumb disguise?”

“Pete, it worked too well!”

“What?”

*Bing!*

Quest Complete: New Brew 6 Great Work!

Gained: [Carbonate]

Congratulations!

You have obtained 5 Milestones and may combine them into a Specialization!

Do you wish to combine [Outworlder], [Stabilize Mixture], [Carbonate], [Ingredient Scan], and [Bottomless Barrel] into a Specialization?

Yes/No

Quest: New Brew Part 7/10

The dwarves need your help. Influence 1,000,000 dwarves with your otherworldly alcohol knowledge.

Influence: 345/1,000,000

Reward: [Pete’s Poor Manasight]

Accept Quest?

[Yes] /No

My eyes bugged out, and I barely registered the fact I could now properly Specialize. Barck said I’d like what I got for New Brew 7, but this was something else!

“Is that what I think it is!?”

Whistlemop whirled around, “What! Did they follow me!?”

“Ergh, never mind. Get in here.” I pulled him in and slammed the door, my mind whirling with the thought of magic.

—

“Careful.. Careful… A little to the left Richter. A little right. Ok, stop there. Johnsson, start putting in the fasteners.”

Richter heaved the large contraption into place and Johnsson began hammering nails. I clutched my head as the ringing echoed in my ears and moaned. Annie stood at my side and nodded.

“It fits almost exactly. Great work on the trusses, Balin.” She gave him a thump on the back and he groaned and nearly fell over.

“Bad morning you two?” She asked. Then winked. “Or a busy night?”

“We were awoken by a rather annoying acquaintance.” I grumbled, my eyes black-rimmed. We hadn’t really gotten a chance to eat breakfast; Whistlemop had been way too energetic. He was currently hiding in our tenement room. On the bright side, we likely had a lot of gold coming in. On the downside…

“There’s a riot in the Grand Market!” Aqua burst in through the door, and Balin and I moaned some more. She looked confused. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t mind tham.” Richter put in as he stepped away from the tall wooden structure. “Balin and tha miss were keepin’ tha rest o’ us awake till tha wee hours. Pete’s jast not a mornin’ person.”

Annie turned scarlet and Aqua wolf-whistled, then looked around guiltily to see if Jeremiah had heard. Luckily for Balin’s good health, he wasn’t in. Actually, he hadn’t been in the brewery all that much recently.

“I didn’t get my coffeeeee.” I whined.

“A riot?” Johnsson asked, as he finished hammering.

“Yep!” Aqua said excitedly. “It started in the central square and spread to the main stores! Nobody knows what caused it yet, but the city guard are out! It’s the most exciting thing I’ve heard of in decades! Anyone want to go?”

There was a chorus of ‘No’s. Aqua’s face fell.

“Awww, not even you, Pete?”

“I just got out of jail. Why would I risk it?”

“Oh, good point. Aww, biscuits. That would have been fun.”

I walked over and patted her shoulder. “I’ll take you to Raspi’s next concert to make it up for you.”

She brightened up immediately. “Your treat?”

“Sure.”

Johnsson looked at us suspiciously. “Are you two datin’?”

Aqua and I looked at each other then burst out laughing.

—

“Sooo… what is that?” Aqua asked a while later, after all the laughter died down. Johnsson had left to ensure our daily shipment of erdroot was still arriving, and Balin was double-checking the contraption that now stood nestled between the boiling kettle and the mash tun.

It was a large metal bowl, roughly the size of the kettle. We'd attached it to the existing scaffolding so that it made a neat triangle with the mash tun and boil kettle. A large funnel attached to the side of the bowl was placed to accept the trough that usually went from the boil kettle to the fermentation tanks. Arcane runes marked its surface, which made it look quite different from the copper boiling kettle and wooden mash tun.

“Do you want to explain?” I asked Annie.

“Love to.” She gave a grand gesture to the bowl. “I present to you, Erd’s first hopback.”

“Hopback?” Aqua repeated, her mouth feeling the word. “Does it have something to do with hopping?”

I chuckled, though Annie ignored it as she answered. “No. It’s a way to improve the clarity of our beer. Come see. Richter, can you start a mash going? I want to check if this all works like Pete says it will. Charge the runes first, though.”

“Aye miss.” He gave a small salute.

“Oh you of little faith.” I muttered.

Annie elbowed me in the ribs. “You’ve never used enchanting before, so this is new to you too. There’s no guarantee it will work.”

“Eh, the principles are the same. The only difference is that I’m using magic to do it. Which is awesome, but most of the actual magic got done by a family of hyperactive gnomes with fancy crystal tools. I want to do the magic.”

Aqua and Annie both nodded. They, like all beings, could understand the awesome that was magic.

“Well, maybe we’ll get lucky with a Milestone from using magic in our beer production.” Annie pointed out as we climbed the stairs to the upper catwalk.

“I still can’t believe that the methods for getting Milestones aren’t documented.” I whined. “Considering how hidebound our society is, I’m surprised more stuff like that isn’t bound in hide.”

“What?” The two chorused.

I mimed opening and closing a book. “Books. Why aren’t there books on how to get Milestones?”

“Oh, lots of reasons!” Aqua said cheerfully. “Most of the time people don’t figure out the exact method, they just get lucky. Other times it's because the Titled folk just don’t really care to research it, they’re too busy doing what they love.”

“The methods can change too.” Annie put in. “But the main reason is that it's controlled information. It’s actually a major point of contention right now. The nobility hoard that knowledge and don’t allow the greybeards to share it.” She shook her head.

We arrived next to the bowl. Up close there was a slight hum, and Aqua shivered as the temperature dropped a few degrees. “It’s cold?”

“That’s right.” Annie nodded. “The bowl is actually a chiller..”

“Why?” Aqua’s teeth chattered. “It’s freezing!!”

I added a note to my notebook about ambient magic leakage. We’ll need to be careful of that in the future.

“It’s not that cold.” Annie chided. “Let me start from the beginning. Do you see that funnel? The hot wort gets poured into it from the boiling kettle. The funnel is filled with some branches used in our bittering agent in a heavy burlap bag. We’ll need to change the branches out every day or so, but it isn’t a major expense.”

“What branches?” I asked, my pen at the ready. Annie had refused to tell, only providing a full burlap bag in exchange for a promise not to peek.

“Good try.” She smirked. “The hot wort passing through the branches pulls out some of the oils and adds aroma, but not much flavour. The burlap acts as a filter, to remove any of the mash or bittering agents that got into the wort. It’ll make for a stronger-scented and cleaner beer with less chance of yeast contamination.” She looked at me for confirmation.

I nodded. “Good so far.”

“Wait, how do you know all this?” Aqua interrupted.

“Pete told me.” Annie shrugged.

“How does Pete know?”

“I learned of it a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.”

Aqua’s eyes narrowed. “Ok, how is that true? Are you pulling my beard?”

“You’re distracted, Aqua! Pete’s weirdness is not the topic!”

“Hey!”

Annie continued, pointing at the metal bowl. “After it passes through the filter, the hot wort flows into this enchanted bowl. The runes on the side cause it to be chilled rapidly. See those vertical prongs in it? They help maximize the amount of liquid that gets affected by the enchantment.”

“Why chill it?” Aqua leaned in to look at the runes. “Who designed these?”

“Richter.” I pointed at the runes. “His new Title allows him to see mana structures, and he used it to help me get everything just right. I had some plans for the engineering side, but the magic side is all him. It’s a good thing - a local family of [Enchanters] did all the engraving and they were going to charge a lot more if they had to design it too.”

“Speaking of which.” Annie looked askew at me. “How did you afford this.”

“I made some money.” I prevaricated.

“Nothing illegal, I hope?” She pushed.

“I am not planning on going back to jail.”

“See!?” Aqua threw up her hands. “Weasel words!!”

“I can promise that the money was deserved.” I poked Aqua in the side and she squeaked.

“Hmmm. Good enough I suppose. Where was I? Right, the chilling. Quickly chilling the wort causes the proteins and tannins to drop out of the wort as a crud called cold-break. Those are usually what make the beer cloudy and astringent, though Pete says tannins aren’t a concern with our beer.” She looked at me for confirmation. I nodded. “After that, the cooled wort gets run through that trough to the tanks like usual and we clean the cold-break out of the bowl.”

“Tannins?” Aqua chattered, as she began to visibly shiver. I added another note to my book and she glowered at me. “Are you using me as a test subject?”

“I’ll tell you all about it, Aqua. Let’s go back down.” Annie put a hand on Aqua’s shoulder and guided her away.

I stayed behind and stared down at the hackjob magitech abomination I’d created with the Erdian magical equivalent of duct tape. It was beautiful.

“Are you coming, Pete?” Annie asked as they headed down the stairs.

“Later. I need to talk to you and Balin sometime this afternoon. Can you set aside some time?”

“Sure, is it important?”

“To me.”

“Alright. Do this first test with Richter while I get Aqua warmed up, and we’ll chat after.”

“Works for me.”

“Mebbe you can come and help turn tha wheel, Pete?” Richter called from below.

I ignored him and stared at my beautiful, magical, invention. Soon Pete, only… a million dwarves to go.

“Any taim now.”

“Fiiine.”