ALL NOVEL There exists a phenomenon called out-of-body experience, which refers to the act of the soul leaving the body while the physical body is still alive…
Well, it’s pretty clear from the explanation that this isn’t a real phenomenon. Claims of actually experiencing this out-of-body experience often turn out to be delusions or fabricated stories.
My perspective on this matter has been firm, and it will remain unchanged as it has been until now.
Even though I have come to believe in the concept of a soul through possession.
And yet here I am, experiencing an out-of-body experience.
“I have a strange feeling that we’ll be seeing each other often from now on. So, please take care of me, Himari.”
“Ah…”
Of course, strictly speaking, what I am experiencing isn’t exactly an out-of-body experience, so there’s no flaw in my assertion. I will continue to deny its possibility.
However, it’s hard to deny that my current situation resembles the typically portrayed out-of-body experience.
Right now, my vision was fixed. Specifically, it appeared as if I was sitting at eye level, directly across from Himari and the woman seated beside her.
Naturally, since I was facing them, this perspective allowed me to observe the two closely. It was enough to deliver a significant shock.
Himari walking into the train? Sure, that was shocking, but it could happen.
After all, this is my deep unconscious. Since it’s not reality, there’s no reason for the Himari whom I see here to be affected by the condition of her physical body.
Moreover, Himari wasn’t suffering from lower body paralysis either. It was simply a matter of her being so sickly weak that she would collapse after a few steps.
I’ve heard it’s due to an illness that adversely affects her muscles, but at least her sensations were intact, so I figured that made her situation somewhat better than complete lower body paralysis…
Hmm… Maybe that’s not a point I should address, given how unnaturally healthy I am.
Anyway.
Looking at myself from someone else’s perspective is similar yet different from gazing into a mirror. It’s like seeing myself in a photo or video taken by someone else.
However, if that “me” isn’t truly me but someone else, things get a bit complicated. I can recognize that I’m looking at a complete stranger, yet I also realize that it’s supposed to be me, so… yeah.
For that reason, the woman sitting next to Himari, engaged in conversation with her, felt painfully awkward. I believed that anyone sitting in my spot would feel the same.
Ah, figuring out who that person seated there was wasn’t too difficult. After all, I had familiarized myself with her face through genuine Misono Mika’s memories, so not recognizing her would be quite the issue, wouldn’t it?
In reality, what mattered wasn’t whether I recognized her face or not. At this point, one particular question couldn’t help but emerge.
Was what I had seen back then really Mika’s memories?
If that were the case, then Himari conversing with the teacher sitting directly across from me wouldn’t make any sense.
It seemed a bit tough to merely regard it as a scene created by my unconscious. From the moment I laid eyes on that teacher, a strong feeling rushed in.
The true teacher who was active in Kivotos. Strangely enough, it just had to be me… meaning it might be possible that what I had seen back then was perhaps my own memories.
While I was lost in those thoughts, the train came to a halt. And then, the two people across from me disembarked.
After that, the background continued to change. From the first meeting between Mika and “me” to instances where Mika was present or absent, but…
Since all of this was my memory, at every moment, the teacher that was me existed. At some point, the emotions I was supposed to feel were transmitted back to me as well.
In truth, the logic was there, but it was hard for me to truly grasp it. The notion that I had been summoned to Kivotos and taken on the role of a teacher made me wonder, what could I say about it?
“Was I that impressive?” It’s hard to shake off that thought.
And why shouldn’t it be so? After all, teachers are supposed to impart wisdom to students as adults, leading them down the right path.
I know myself well. My self-assessment is pretty accurate.
If I were to recall my behavior since I got possessed by this body, I definitely wouldn’t have much good to say. I wouldn’t even dream of imposing that I’m some kind of educator.
Just like the teacher here wouldn’t look kindly upon my chaotic relationships. If the teacher from back then were to ask me what I thought about that, I wouldn’t be able to say anything other than, “They’d see me as a lunatic.”
An adult who has yet to mature, a flower that has yet to bloom.
Thinking that I was once a teacher in such a state, yeah, that really feels a bit over the top…
Well, that being said, failure—
Ah.
Still maintaining the perspective of a bystander similar to myself, I turned my gaze towards Himari, who was unable to see me.
Eventually, my stare shifted to the teacher carefully tending to the wound on Mika’s back.
The emotion radiating from that gaze was overtly affectionate towards Mika. And indeed, that sentiment was conveyed to me in its entirety.
However, the two of them were not connected. They couldn’t be.
The teacher’s death.
Because of my death, that relationship was doomed to remain forever parallel.
And… if that had been the end of it, perhaps it would have been a relief.
The teacher I was dedicated personal feelings to Mika. I could tell that the past me had absolutely no knowledge of the game known as “Blue Archive,” yet I couldn’t help but be drawn to Mika.
Perhaps, just perhaps.
Even if I had no clear memories, traces of having a favorite character might have lingered in my soul from my time as an ordinary man in my twenties…
To be honest, I have no precise answer to which part of me came first, the teacher or the man.
I personally lean towards believing it was the man. I think my infatuation with Mika largely stemmed from the story built up throughout the Eden Treaty.
…No? Perhaps the feelings from my teacher’s era might have carried over to my rebirth as a man. I might have been simply captivated by Mika as a being itself, fooling myself into thinking my feelings were due to her story.
In fact, I can’t say for certain, nor can I find a way to confirm it, so let’s return to the original story.
The death faced by my teacher was not an isolated incident. It would have been better if my death alone had brought everything to a close.
Originally, the teacher in the source material intentionally distanced himself from Mika after the events of the Eden Treaty… but fundamentally, I had none of that.
I was weak towards Mika. I yielded to her. I kept believing in her, in her potential.
No, it was clear I wanted to believe.
But because I was infinitely lenient towards Mika alone, the conclusion my Kivotos reached was horrifically brutal.
And Mika’s heart crumbled the moment she witnessed my death with her own eyes.
Not only that, but it didn’t stop there; the tragedy led to a reversal of Shinpi, resulting in the absolute worst conclusion.
I was supposed to be the one leading the charge to resolve the issues scattered throughout Kivotos. Due to my inability to fulfill my responsibilities, the state of that Kivotos had become a chaotic mess, even before the onset of war.
There was no way I could have properly confronted the invasion of colors that awaited me at the end of it all.
Unlike this place, where everyone united behind me, I couldn’t expect any kind of unity in the war between academies… There was no solid focal point there at all.
It’s fair to say that, in this very moment, while defending against that invasion, I knew I could never stop it.
In other words, that place was a world confirmed to have been doomed from the moment I was killed by Beatrice.
Then, everything I had thought was a better outcome than the original work was simply a misguided ambition. The desire to achieve at least a conclusion that wasn’t below par was nothing but futile labor.
After all, I was a sinner who had already once led Kivotos to ruin.
The moment I faced that reality, I felt a wave of nausea rising.
Someone may argue that Mika shares responsibility in this, but a difference in our positions exists between her and me. It’s all a result of my failure as a teacher and adult who was supposed to guide the students in the right direction.
Yet, despite committing such a great sin, I was merrily laughing and chatting with kids who adored me.
Dreaming of a bright future at this point feels utterly absurd.
An unbearable wave of self-loathing washed over me. Caught in the deluge, I laughed hollowly.
Even in my final moments as a teacher, I had only thoughts for Mika.
Wishing for her to continue living, I conveyed the feelings I couldn’t confess until the very end.
And then, a miracle undoubtedly occurred.
Had it not been for that, Mika would have been unable to escape a future where she ultimately lost to Beatrice. In that event, only a future with the destruction of Halo would have awaited us.
Thus, even if Mika fell into the colors, the mere fact that she now stands before us is the fruit of that miracle.
When asked how, I might only suggest that she probably utilized all the powers of the adult’s card.
Given that the adult’s card is an item that takes something from the teacher, it would be apt to view my teacher’s self at that time as having issued a check and pulled in that power.
Regardless, the truth is that I played a significant role in the world’s destruction, yet what emerged from it was an overwhelming self-hatred that took my breath away.
The weight of it made me want to lay everything down without a second thought.
…Perhaps. Just perhaps.
The desire I had for everyone deserving of happiness to find it was a form of self-satisfying penance for having committed an irreversible sin.
…Ah.
Before I knew it, the scenery around me was reshaped into the moment when I met my demise in front of Beatrice.
I stared blankly at my own figure, cradled in Mika’s arms, uttering my final love.
After watching that scene for a while, I steeled my resolve.
Who cares if I indulge in a little self-consolation? The penance for an unforgivable sin is not something to expect forgiveness for.
It’s merely what must be done, so I will do it.
And most importantly…
Yeah, let’s put aside those grand terms like “penance.” I feel it’s time to be honest with myself.
I want my beloved Kivotos to keep moving forward.
More than anything in the world, I sincerely wish for my precious people to be safe and happy for a long time.
No matter how it was before, the position I voluntarily took as Student Council President has cultivated a desire for that above all.
Therefore, I decided to bury the sins I had committed deep in my heart.
Having sinned twice merely against the same offense, even voicing my penance would just be ludicrous.
So, let’s bury it, but do remember. I will devote my entire life to everyone’s happiness.
…Yeah. I must not be anchored to the past. I need to keep moving forward for everyone’s sake.
At this moment, I am the Student Council President of Kivotos.