ALL NOVEL Chapter 6: Puzzled and Cornered
Brett sat on the chair, fidgeting like he’d never fidgeted before. He’d never been this nervous before, and he didn’t even know why. He was at the first assembly of the school’s LGBTQ+ society because he’d been invited. Sure, he’d been considering going, but now he was allowed. Then why did he feel like he wasn’t supposed to be here, like him sitting in that chair was… transgressive, somehow? Jonas sat on the next chair over, a little more to the back. He was here to support Brett, and even gave him a thumbs up. Brett smiled weakly back at him. Jonas was a wonderful and reliable friend, but right now, he was mostly a witness to Brett questioning things about himself he wasn’t even sure he was allowed to question. How did these meetings even go? Was this like an Addicts Anonymous meeting he’d seen on television once, where he’d be supposed to stand up and go ‘My name is Brett and I’m questioning my identity’? Would there be a whole chorus of people going ‘Hi, Brett’? The idea alone was gross.
“Hey, you,” he heard, and his head swiveled to look at Malena, the source of a working majority of his current issues. He tried, he really did, to hold it against her. The fact that he’d been being tossed into the void with nothing but himself as company was solely because of her, that he was now sitting here eating himself alive. But it also kind of wasn’t because clearly nobody else she’d looked at was sitting here looking as uncomfortable as he was, so maybe this wasn’t her fault at all. “You okay?” Malena asked as she handed him a plastic cup of water. He took it gratefully and sipped, nodded, spilled water on his shirt by trying to drink while nodding, then squeezed his eyes shut and hoped the floor would swallow him whole.
“I’m fine,” he managed. He lied. Malena sat down next to him as slowly but surely the room started to fill with people. She put a hand on his shoulder. For a moment he thought there was something else about her, about her monstrousness, that he hadn’t known about yet, because her touch both burned and sent electricity up his arm. It took him a moment to realize that it was just anxiety and maybe something else that made it so hard to be touched right now. She seemed to pick up on his discomfort and pulled her hand away.
“Clearly,” she said, with a little smirk. “That bad, huh?” He just nodded. “So like… this is my first time hosting one of these, so I don’t know everything, but just…” She gave him a sympathetic little smile. “Try not to panic. Whatever you’re going through, it’s yours and it’s real, okay? Take a breath, listen to what people have to say and then take your time. There’s no deadline on figuring out who you are.”
“How do you know--”
“Honey,” she said, and shot him a look that made him look like he was being playfully chided by a grade school teacher. Malena didn’t wear glasses, but she somehow managed to convey the energy of looking at him over a pair anyway. “You’re here. That’s one. Straight people who have themselves figured out don’t just show up here. Two,” she said, counting on her fingers, “you look like you’re expecting to get kicked out, yelled at, and that’s not a healthy look. And finally…” She reached out and tilted Brett’s face up gently, looking at him intently, like an archeologist studying a freshly discovered piece of pottery. “I just have a feeling about you.” Brett found himself blushing up a storm immediately. She wasn’t… she wasn’t wrong. But she didn’t have to just lay it out like that. Jeez. “You’ll figure it out,” Malena concluded. “This is a good space for good people.”
“Thanks,” Brett managed, despite his mouth, throat, larynx and just general face-area seemingly all conspiring to try and make a fool out of him. He didn’t doubt what she said, about this being a good space, but he wasn’t even sure what he was there to figure out. Maybe this was the exact kind of thing the LGBTQ+ society was for. On the other hand, what if it wasn’t? What if he told them about what he’d been thinking about and they told him that that was normal and that he was wasting their time and invading a space that wasn’t his.
“Yeah,” Malena said, “the thing you’re doing right now, where you’re trying to become really small, and disappear in your seat, that’s the part I was trying to tell you about.” He looked up at her, relaxing a little bit. He hadn’t even realized that his entire body had tensed up in an attempt to disappear in place. “Whatever you’re feeling, it’s real. You’re allowed to be here. Now try not to look like a pill bug, we’re about to get started.” She stood up and looked at Jonas. “You’re not joining us?” He shook his head.
“Nah, I’m here for moral support.” Jonas smiled at both of them. “I’m here for you, man. No matter what, alright? Bros for life.” For some reason, this had Brett’s brain fighting over whether it was going to giggle hysterically or dry heave. Maybe a bit of both. Malena sat down in a chair that was a little closer to the center of a circle that had been set up.
“Hello, everyone,” she said. “Since the last chairman of this little society graduated last year, I’m gonna be picking up the mantle. Anyone who wants to vie for the throne is going to have to fight me for it.” There was the kind of nervous laughter, to accompany the bad jokes that came with meetings like this. It was almost tradition. “So, for those of you who don’t know me or what we’re doing here, I’m Malena, and this is… a place for questioning. For talking, for finding people and experiences like your own. We’re not going to do the round-table thing; you don’t have to say anything, as long as you’re respectful. All of us got here in our own ways, but I promise you there’s probably someone here you share something with.” Her gaze went around the group and Brett could have sworn she’d stopped at him for a moment.
There were some noises of affirmation. Brett looked at the other attendees. Most of them were sophomores and freshmen, but there were a few seniors as well. They were all kinds of monstrous and weird and, well, all of them looked normal weird. Was he gonna stick out as the human kid? He was just about finished with that when he realized he saw Elliot sitting a little further in the back. He hadn’t even noticed her. Would she avoid him if he opened up? “Now,” Malena said, “I’m gonna introduce myself proper, then anyone who wants to talk or ask questions can do so, and after that I recommend we all get up, stretch our legs, and try talking to people we’re not used to talking to. Because sitting in a circle makes this feel like we’re all confessing and stuff like that. So!” She crossed her legs and sat up straight.
Brett couldn’t help but be in awe. Malena was millennia old and at the same time, a twenty-something-year-old. “My name is Malena. That’s not the name I was born with, or the name that was chanted to invoke me throughout the ages.” There was a slightly scared silence, until her mouth curled into that little smile again. “That was a joke,” she said, and winked. “Seriously though, I’m trans. Even when I observed the universe from a space outside of time and was ready to devour civilizations whole, I was identified as a masculine entity. That didn’t… work for me. I decided to try and experience things from a human perspective, and then there was a whole thing,” she said, rolling her eyes, “about me not being able to change my body. So I ended up going the traditional route.” Malena giggled. “So yeah, my name is Malena, I’m slightly older than the known universe, and I’m on hormones, because I’m a trans woman. Nice to meet all of you.”
“You too,” Brett said quietly, his voice luckily drowned out by the chorus of similar sentiments. One by one, people were starting to open up. There was a boy Brett’s own age who had a pair of short stubby horns, a forked tongue and hooves, who mentioned that, because of pressure from home, he’d always tried dating girls, but that it had always felt really performative. There were reaffirming sounds from the rest of the group, and an older guy offered to have a talk later about being gay, if he was up for it. One by one, people with issues or questions spoke up. Elliot just introduced herself and briefly mentioned she was gay, looking at Brett. He tried to smile encouragingly without seeming creepy. He even managed to mouth a small ‘cool’ at her, and she visibly relaxed when he did. In the end, everyone had gone except Brett. Several people looked at him expectantly.
“Looks like we accidentally did the circle thing anyway,” Malena said with a little giggle that somehow still carried the weight of eons. It was a heavy giggle. “But remember, you don’t have to feel pressured t--”
“My name is… I’m…” Brett started. Good. Good start. He wanted to put his head through a wall, and then crawl in after it. “I’m not sure why I’m here. I had a… thing the other day. It freaked me out and made me question stuff about myself, and now I just feel lost and adrift. I don’t know what to think. It’s like…” He took a deep breath and leaned on his knees, doing his best not to look at anyone. “It’s like I was a completed puzzle and then it got thrown apart and I can’t even find a corner piece anymore. I don’t know where to start. Everything’s a mess and I’ve always known who I am, so questioning it feels weird and wrong, but I also don’t know how to stop.” Once the words started, they were hard to stop. Still, he was very aware of Jonas sitting behind him. Sure, he’d been incredibly supportive, but there had to be a limit to a friendship or a support like that, right? “What am I even figuring out?” he continued. Was he gay? The fact that he thought Elliot was really cute and that she made him blush pointed to ‘no’. But then he thought of Jonas sitting behind him, tall, dependable, handsome in that midwest country kind of way, and things got a lot more confusing.
“Maybe it’s time we took that break, yeah?” Malena said. “Everyone just… mingle a bit, okay?” Brett was grateful for the interruption. It was like he’d chugged a gallon of truth serum, when he’d started talking he wasn’t able to stop. Who knew when he’d stop? Malena walked over to him and nodded to a spot a little away from the others, and he got up and followed her.
“Hey,” she said. “Do you want to talk about any of that?” He nodded, but he had no idea where to start. “You’re questioning, right?” More nodding. “Well, do you just want to go over stuff? I feel like, if we search together, we’re more likely to find a corner piece, yeah?” Brett looked up at her and he felt a constricting feeling in his chest like he wanted her to pick him up and keep him safe. He blinked at himself. That was a weird thought to have, especially as a guy. “So, to start… are you worried about like… your sexuality?”
“Worried?” He mulled that over in his head. “I don’t know? I don’t think so. I mean, I definitely think you’re… uh…” he stammered, with the tone of someone who has suddenly found themselves in a hole with only digging implements. Malena’s eyebrows went up and her face split into a wide smile. He tried to ignore it, and shot a glance over at Jonas, who gave him another thumb’s up. “But there’s also others,” he said more softly.
“I gotcha,” Malena said softly. “That’s not everything, is it?” He looked at her, and shook his head. “Do you want to try to take a crack at it?” she asked.
“How did…” he started, focusing. It was like trying to read a sign on the other side of a mist-covered road, just barely visible. “How did you find out you felt… like… not a man?” He looked up at Malena, whose expression had softened considerably. He suddenly felt like he’d stepped onto an ice-shelf that had detached itself from the mainland, and there was no way back. He’d asked The Question. Going back wasn’t really an option anymore.
“Oh, honey,” she said, smiling softly, and it was the only thing keeping him afloat. “Would you like to be a girl?” There was an ocean of time between the question and the answer, and swimming across it was an almost impossible task. But finally, the fear, the anxiety, the uncertainty, all came together and crashed into the inevitability of the Now.
“I think so,” she said.
