ALL NOVEL Chapter 369: Think about oneself
How lucky: Doctor Mason had a free slot that morning.
Lara spent an hour in a cafe, drinking tea and waiting for the clock to show the right time. Then, always taking crowded roads, she reached the building and rang the bell.
She wasn't afraid of being attacked by Polenta. She knew he wouldn't come to Norwich just for her. And, even if he did, how could he locate her in a chaotic city? How could he know she went out of the base precisely that day?
She was safe, but she didn't want to make Nate worry. So, she did as she had promised.
«Hello, Doctor,» she said when the woman made her sit in her office. «Thank you for meeting me like this, with no appointment.»
«You cancelled our meeting, so I thought you were giving up,» Doctor Mason said. «I'm glad to see you back. It won't be an easy road, Lara. Taking care of one's psychological health is harder than letting things be.»
«I know that. I was just busy. But then, something happened, and I can't wait any longer before asking you.»
«Tell me.»
Lara moved her eyes to the desk, where Doctor Mason's notebook was lying. She wasn't taking notes that day. She would just listen carefully.
«I had a panic attack,» Lara said.
«Yes? When? Tell me the details.»
«After kissing Nate.»
«He kissed you, and you panicked?»
«No, Doctor. I kissed him. And then, once it was over, I couldn't breathe and thought I was going to disappear, all of a sudden. I couldn't focus on anything for a long moment. It passed quickly, but it was horrible.»
«And why do you think that happened?»
«I don't know!»
«Maybe, you're afraid of human contact.»
«I thought so too, but it doesn't make sense,» Lara said. «I would be having panic attacks before kissing or being kissed. Not after.»
«When you say after, you mean...»
«Once we're done!» Lara exclaimed. «Once we finish kissing and I return to the real world. At that moment, I felt so afraid. I don't know of what, but... I don't know,» she sighed. «I can't control it.» Explore stories at m,v l'e-m|p| y r
«That is weird. You're not afraid of being kissed, are you? Especially by your boyfriend.»
«Sometimes, I feel out of control. I don't take the decision to kiss or hug him. I just do. My body moves, and I realise later what has happened.»
«Do you feel anything else that is weird?» the doctor asked, her expression suddenly suspicious.
Lara shrugged, even more confused than before.
«And how would you describe your feelings when you hug or kiss your boyfriend?» she asked, leaning back on the chair and placing a hand under her chin.
She observed Lara with a calm, slightly cold expression. She was working at that moment. Trying to make Lara find out her issues and solutions on her own, showing her the path but without taking the steps in her stead.
«I feel fine,» was the first reply. But then, the woman blushed and looked down, playing with her fingers. When she looked up again, her eyes were filled with happiness. «More than fine, actually.»
«And when it's over?»
«When it's over, I continue to be happy. Until when the panic arrives. Luckily, Nate was there with me when it happened.»
«He helped you?»
«Yes. He tells me to breathe, and he hugs me a lot. He says many nice things, like not to worry and that he's there for me. It stops being horrible when he does that.»
«And in between... there is really nothing that happens in between the kiss and the attack?»
«No,» Lara said, shrugging. «Once, I was sleeping. I woke up in the middle of the night... Maybe I had a nightmare, but I don't remember.»
«You need to become more aware of yourself, Lara. Every time you think it's worth it, stop and think about feelings. About your own thoughts, actions, fears and desires. You can write everything in a diary if you want. And be careful about your thoughts and feelings after kissing Nate. Try doing so, and you will be able to tell me more next time.
Or, if you're lucky, your problem will be solved by this alone. If you become aware of what makes you afraid, you might realise it's an irrational feeling.»
«Is that all, doctor? So easy?» Lara said. All she had to do was... to pay attention to herself?
«Does it sound easy to you?» the doctor chuckled. «I don't know you very well, Lara. We've met too few times to be sure. But, as far as I can judge, you aren't used to thinking about yourself deeply enough.»
«That's because I'm boring.»
«You think you don't deserve much attention, do you? Even from yourself.»
«That's not true! I just don't think I shall focus on myself entirely. I have a family to take care of. And I don't want to become selfish and self-centred.»
«To take care of your family, you first need to know yourself better. Think about it this way: you're doing it for your kids and your boyfriend. Not because you're self-centred. For them, you want to become a better person, don't you?»
«Yes,» she said, nodding convincingly.
«To do so, you first need to find out your own flaws and weaknesses. As well as your strong points. You need to do it so that you can treat the former and enforce the latter parts of you.»
«I see... Thank you, doctor. I'll try working on it.»
«Next time we meet, I want you to list three flaws and three qualities about yourself.»
«Oh,» Lara chuckled. «I can do that now!»
«No. You need to take your time and select them. Three and three, remember.»
It hadn't seemed such a difficult job at first. However, Doctor Mason could see that Lara's lack of self-awareness was making her life difficult. Not to mention how bad it must have been for her family.
However, the panic attacks were a mystery to the doctor. She couldn't find a theory for them. But, with some luck, Lara could realise on her own. If she started valuing herself, most of her irrational fears would disappear altogether.