ALL NOVEL Interlude 20 – Personal Growth
=::= Kaylee's PoV =::=
"Hi Kaylee," Paige said as she sat down across from me, with a grande latte in hand. "So what's up? What did you want to talk about, that we couldn't discuss at lunch yesterday?"
Before I could respond she gave me a knowing look and asked, "More stuff about Cass, I assume?"
I blushed, "Yeah. Or, well mostly yeah."
She had a sip of her latte so I drank some of my hot chocolate, while the two of us quietly looked at each other. It was about eleven thirty Saturday morning, and the cafe was busy as usual. I came early though, to make sure we'd get a table.
"Ok," Paige nodded. "So what's up? I thought things were getting better between you two?"
She continued, "I see you and Cass talking more at school, and you said something the other day about walking with her and Nina to and from school most days. And we all see you making sure you get to sit next to her at lunch, and at the club meetings. And whenever we all go out somewhere. I'd almost think the two of you were already back together, except neither of you has said anything about dating."
I was blushing again by the time she finished talking, and tried to distract myself with another sip of hot cocoa.
"Yeah," I sighed, "I've been trying to give her some signals? And I guess trying to test the waters, to see if she's ready to give me a second chance. She seems friendly enough, but there's still some... I don't know? She seems awkward around me, and there's some hesitation. Like maybe she's not ready to forgive me for all the times I messed up, or the stuff I said about her and her family. Or maybe she's still mad at me for being a bitch to Nina for so long."
Paige stared at me for a couple seconds before responding, "Ok first off, I'm not sure Cass even remembers all that stuff? But more importantly, now that I think of it you've been pretty civil around Nina for a while now. And I haven't heard or seen anything from Cass to suggest she's unhappy with you or trying to avoid you or anything. Awkward yes, uncomfortable maybe, but not unhappy or upset."
"Then why isn't she responding when I drop hints?" I asked with a frown. "It's been two months since her family did that stuff to block Socha's influence. And ok I know she needed a few weeks to recover and catch up on school work, but still. It's been almost a full month since the halloween party. And you saw how she was at the club meeting a week and a half ago? I couldn't have been more obvious, and ok she was nice to me and acted friendly, but she still didn't do anything. She didn't even say anything."
By the time I finished talking I realized my friend looked like she was trying not to smile. I almost demanded, "What's so funny?"
She shook her head, "Kaylee, one thing I've noticed about Cassandra is she's almost terminally clueless when it comes to this sort of thing. And as I recall, you weren't much better this time last year. I think it took Cerys's involvement to get the two of you past your mutual obliviousness."
Before I had a chance to respond she added, "You think you're being blatantly obvious, but Cass was probably scratching her head wondering what you were up to. If you want to start dating her again you're going to have to actually tell her that. And I mean spell it out for her, like 'hi Cass want to go on a date with me this Saturday night?' kind of thing."
I found myself blushing yet again, which called for another gulp of hot chocolate.
Paige took advantage of the delay and changed the subject slightly, "By the way Kaylee, I'm kind of proud of you for getting past your issues with Nina. I know it's been almost three months since we talked about that stuff, but I'm curious? And please tell me if this is none of my business, but I was wondering if you've really changed how you think about her, or if you've just got better at not letting that stuff get in the way of your friendship with Cass and the rest of the club."
I grimaced, since that was like trading one embarrassing topic for another. Then again, that stuff was a little less embarrassing than the other subject so I decided to go with the new one for now.
"Yeah," I sighed. "After we had that talk at the end of summer I guess I did what you said? I ended up thinking about Miss Hawthorne, and authority figures in general, and where I got those sorts of beliefs and opinions from? And no surprise, a lot of it comes from my parents. You know my dad's not a cop, but he wears a uniform and sometimes he works closely with the police. And I guess I grew up hearing my parents talk a lot about that sort of thing, and how everyone's supposed to respect authority figures and stuff."
After a sip of cocoa I continued, "And thinking about that stuff led to something else that I guess I've been really avoiding..."
"What's that?" Paige asked.
My blush was back as I quietly admitted, "I'm not actually 'out' to my parents. They don't know I'm gay."
"What?!" she gasped. "Kaylee you dated Cass for more than half a year, how could your parents possibly not know you were into girls?"
I blushed brighter as I sank down a little in my chair, "I guess I never actually called her my girlfriend around my folks. And never told them we were going out on dates. Just, going out to meet her or having dinner with her. They assumed she and I were best friends. Even when we had the fights and stuff, my folks didn't think of it as a break-up? They just saw it as me and my best friend having an argument."
A serious look settled on Paige's face. She leaned forward and asked quietly, "Kaylee are your folks homomisic? Is that why you've never come out to them?"
"No?" I replied, but there wasn't a lot of conviction or certainty in my voice. A moment later I sighed, "They're not like, openly hostile towards LGBT folks. They don't sit around and complain about 'the gays' or anything like that? But I'm pretty sure they assume I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along before I start dating? And they definitely assume I'm going to marry a guy and give them grandkids eventually."
She frowned, "So they're not openly hostile... Are they subtly hostile? Or quietly hostile? Or put it another way, have you heard them say anything positive about gays or lesbians? Or trans people?"
I bit my lower lip and frowned, then slowly shook my head.
A moment later I added, "I'm pretty sure they know Cass has two moms, and they've never said anything bad about her or her parents."
"So that's why you're afraid to come out to them?" she asked. "You don't know how they'll take it, but you suspect the worst."
I shrugged, "Not necessarily? It's just never come up in conversation I guess. They've never outright asked if I was interested in girls. And like I said, they just assumed me and Cass were best friends."
Paige shook her head, "Your friends are all lesbians, you spent like seven or eight months dating a girl, you've never dated a guy, and yet your parents assume you're going to start dating guys any minute now, just as soon as the right one comes along? That's some industrial grade denial they've got going on there, Kaylee."
"Yeah," I sighed. "I know. But I'm afraid to bring it up with them, incase it turns out they're queermisic after all."
She sighed as well, "Ok Kaylee. Well I can't argue with that. You have to look out for yourself, you have to stay safe. I think you should try and find out how they feel though? Like make a comment or ask how they feel in the hypothetical? Or I don't know, find some way to raise the subject in the context of some out celebrity or something? But like I said, stay safe."
I nodded slowly. I knew she was right, and she wasn't making any suggestions I hadn't already thought about myself. I just hadn't tried any of those ideas yet.
After draining the last of my hot chocolate I decided the conversation had strayed a little off-topic, so I brought it back a few steps.
"Anyways thinking about that kind of thing is sort of what helped me with my hang-ups about Nina?" I explained. "Like, I guess the fear of coming out to my folks combined with the knowledge that I didn't have to... I sort of asked myself what it'd be like if I didn't have that choice, if I had to come out? And what it'd be like for people who had something that they couldn't hide? Or getting caught out?"
I lowered my voice as I continued, "And that got me thinking about Nina, and Melanie, and Cass, and even Miss Hawthorne? Like they all look and act human, but one way or another we've found out none of them are. And realizing Miss Hawthorne was in that same group reminded me of what you said before, about reevaluating what I thought of her?"
"So I guess the whole thing left me thinking a lot about all this stuff," I said with one more sigh. "And I know it's probably offensive to some people that I was equating being a lesbian in the closet to my parents with the stuff Melanie's been through and Cerys is going through now, or the prejudice against demons, or even what a lot of trans folks or people of colour have to deal with every day? And all that kind of got me to finally recognize how much privilege I really have..."
My face was red again by that point and my shoulders slumped. "So yeah. It was a journey and I feel bad for having taken so long to figure this stuff out, but glad that I got there in the end? I don't know. I guess all that's a long complicated way of saying, I finally get what Cass told me a dozen times? Everyone's just people, whether gay or trans, human or demon, werewolf or vampire, god or fae."
Paige kept quiet the whole time I was talking. She listened and sipped her latte, she nodded a few times, and once I was finished she drained the last of her drink.
Then she gave me a supportive smile, "I'm glad Kaylee. And like I said, I'm proud of you. I already told you I noticed you were a lot better around Nina lately, and I know Cass will have noticed that too. Same with the rest of our friends."
Her smile shifted into a smirk as she added, "Now all that's left is for you to ask Cass out on a date."
I groaned, "That's what it's going to take, isn't it?"
"Yep," she laughed.
"I can't even use teaching her magic as an excuse this time," I grimaced.
My friend shrugged, "If you need an excuse you can always ask her to show you her kind of magic. That might be a good way to break the ice actually? Let her know how much you've changed, show her you're interested and supportive about what she's learned on her own."
That made me blush again, and I slumped in my chair with a sigh. "You know I never even thanked her for saving me from the fairies? She basically saved my life, and instead of thanking her for that I yelled at her for using demonic magic. And that was right after she saved me from their influence, so I don't have any excuses for how I acted."
"Then this is a good opportunity for you to mend a bunch of fences at once Kaylee," Paige replied softly. "Invite her out on a date, and if she accepts take her somewhere nice. Try and make it up to her, and while you're doing that, apologize. Thank her for what she did. Then ask her to show you some of that new magic. So she knows you're interested, and supportive."
I nodded slowly, "Right... You're right Paige. Thank you. I don't know that I'm ready to do all that right away, but I'll do it at some point. That's a promise I'm making to myself, right now."
She smiled, "Good. You'll have to let me know how it goes, whenever you get to it."
"I will," I told her.
We were both quiet for a few moments, then I grimaced again. "So I've pretty much monopolized this whole conversation with all my problems and stuff. Sorry about that. How's everything with you? And um, how are you and Brooke handling going to different schools this year?"
"Brooke and I are handling things ok so far this year," she replied with a shrug. "The biggest difference is I don't see her at lunch anymore, and can't ride with her to and from school every day. We still live close to each other, we still see each other at least once or twice a week. So it's a bit of an adjustment, but it's not that bad?"
She sighed, "Ever since the halloween party, I've been thinking more about what it'll be like next year. After hearing Melody talk about her boyfriends, I realized me and Brooke are probably going to be in a similar situation. I'm hoping to get into university at Western? That's like a two hour drive from here, which means I'll be moving out of town. No Brooke, no Club Luna."
"I'll be back here for holidays and stuff," Paige added, "But instead of seeing her every couple days it means I might not be able to see her for months at a time. My parents are going to help me with tuition and probably living expenses, but I can't afford a car. And I can't expect Brooke to drive out to London every weekend, when she's got her own expenses and studies to worry about."
I frowned, "I'm sorry Paige. I'm glad things are ok for the two of you right now, but... I hadn't thought about the future at all. Not in terms of how going to university will affect friendships and stuff, I mean."
She shrugged, "Nothing we can do about it. Me and Brooke are going to enjoy ourselves as much as we can for now? And we'll probably spent as much time together as possible over the summer."
"What about you?" she added. "What's your plans for next year? College or university?"
"I was planning to apply at a few universities," I replied quietly. "Majoring in history, minor in English Literature. But I hadn't thought much about the fact that I'll have to move away from all my friends, and the club, and Cass."
Paige gave me a sad smile, "Sorry Kaylee, I didn't mean to give you something new to stress over. You should probably think about that stuff though? But first, ask Cass out on a date."
"Yeah," I nodded slowly. "Thanks Paige."
