D Minus

“Uh… it’s a glow-worm.”A familiar melody flowed from Jonghwa, whose lips were puckered. Hajin, who had been struggling to keep his heavy eyelids open, let a faint smile form at the corner of his mouth. It was a song he had loved as a child.The singing birds fly away far, far away.Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go away.Sing for me just once more.Na-na— na-na-na— with a bitter heart.I cry myself to sleep tonight again.Hajin bit his lips as he silently mouthed the lyrics. Something surged up within him. His eyes quickly turned red, and his nose stung. Had this song always been so sad? He had hummed it many times, but he couldn’t remember ever reflecting on the lyrics. If he had known it was such a sorrowful song, he might not have liked it.“Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go away…”The lyrics he had been mouthing silently reached his ears. Hajin, who had been leaning weakly against Jonghwa, slowly lifted his head. Jonghwa, who had thrown another log into the dwindling fire, continued to sing the almost monotone song without any change in his expression.“Hold my hand just once for me.”Jonghwa couldn’t finish the song. He seemed to only know the lyrics to the first two verses. Hajin, who had been staring at Jonghwa with moist eyes, reached out to him. When he turned his palm upward, Jonghwa placed his hand on it.“Jonghwa.”“What?”“I don’t think I have much time left.”“….”“The doctor said I had at most six months. When I think about it, I was counting down the days every day, but at some point, I stopped. When did I stop…?”Hajin’s eyes turned to the sky as if in deep thought. Jonghwa remained silent.“Oh, it was the day you said you’d die with me. I stopped counting from that day. Before that, I would count the days until I would die every night, but after that, I just forgot about it.”“….”“Then yesterday, I counted for the first time in a long while, and there were exactly 30 days left. The doctor said I would live up to six months at most… I think I did pretty well.”It took quite a while for him to complete a sentence now. His voice cracked, and he panted heavily. Jonghwa, who was holding Hajin’s hand tightly, closed his eyes tightly. His furrowed brows seemed to reflect his emotions. Hajin fiddled with Jonghwa’s thick eyebrows with his icy fingers.“I guess I really don’t have much time left.”“….”“I can feel it. Before I sleep, I feel like I won’t wake up, and when I open my eyes in the morning, I check to see if I’m still alive. It’s not as painful as I thought it would be, which makes me even more anxious. I’m afraid I might suddenly die when I least expect it.”Hajin spoke calmly, without tears. He didn’t want to spend his precious remaining time crying. If it had been a life without regrets, it might have been different, but now that he had met Jonghwa, he cherished every moment.But Jonghwa seemed to feel differently. Tears welled up in his eyes, which were tightly shut. Hajin let out a chuckle.“Jonghwa, when I die, go abroad. Don’t live in Korea. Go far away from those people. Have you ever been abroad?”“….”“No, right? I thought so. I’ve only been abroad once, but it was amazing. Since you don’t speak English, go to a country with a lot of Koreans. LA or Japan… No, just go to Guam or Saipan. Learn to swim and teach Korean tourists; you’ll make money. It suits you since you’re in good shape.”More and more tears streamed down Jonghwa’s cheeks. Hajin held Jonghwa’s hand tightly with one hand and gently stroked his hair with the other, continuing to speak words that Jonghwa might not even hear. He intended to let him cry as much as he wanted.“You said you’d give me your stomach. I’ll give you my money. Even if you say no, it’s not like I can take it to the grave, so don’t refuse. Okay?”“….”“Anyway… go abroad and live happily. Don’t do dangerous things like in Korea. Eat delicious food. Swim in the pool at night with a cocktail in hand, go snorkeling during the day. You don’t know how beautiful fish look in the sea, do you?”His breathing became more labored. Despite struggling for breath, Hajin kept talking. He felt like if he stopped to catch his breath, he would burst into tears. Jonghwa’s face twisted in pain. A suppressed sob escaped from his tightly pressed lips. Hajin forced a smile.“Our Jonghwa is still a baby. Come to think of it, you’re a year younger than me. And you’ve been speaking informally to me all this time, so rude.”He playfully flicked Jonghwa’s forehead. Watching Jonghwa suffer pained him deeply.“…Come with me.”A choked voice came out. Hajin looked up at the sky to hide his reddening eyes and bit his lips. Jonghwa, who rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, spoke again.“Let’s do all the good things together. Come with me. Saipan or wherever.”“Hmm…”“….”“Shin Jonghwa.”“…What.”“Let’s meet just once more in the next life.”“What the hell are you talking about, the next life.”“Just. Maybe reincarnation is real. If it is, let’s meet just once more in the next life. Just once.”If I weren’t a terminal patient facing death, I wouldn’t have met Jonghwa. Even if we had met by chance, we wouldn’t have become this close. No, even if we had grown close…“Then let’s love each other to our hearts’ content, just once.”We wouldn’t have loved each other like this.The moment Hajin acknowledged that he loved him, the remaining time felt even more precious. If he had had the courage a little earlier, if he had acknowledged it even a day sooner, he wouldn’t have such deep regrets.Even if it’s a hasty love from someone walking towards death, there’s no certainty that it’s different from anyone else’s.It had been a long time since Hajin had been unable to sleep properly due to the sudden, searing pain. Because of this, Hajin could gaze at Jonghwa’s sleeping face to his heart’s content.At first, he really disliked the scar on Jonghwa’s thick eyebrows and his fierce eyes, but now he just wanted to fill his eyes with them. Hajin, staring at Jonghwa, kissed his long eyelashes.“You’re awake?”“You couldn’t sleep again.”Jonghwa hadn’t been able to sleep properly either. He had stayed up past three in the morning trying to make Hajin fall asleep, his eyes darkened with fatigue. Hajin, who had woken him up from his short sleep, pressed his lips against Jonghwa’s cheek, pouting like a child.“Jonghwa, let’s go downtown today.”“Downtown? Do you need something?”“Yes. There are things to buy and things to do.”“What is it? Tell me, and I’ll get it.”Without showing any irritation, Jonghwa immediately sat up after being woken up by Hajin. Hajin shook his head. Today, there were many things he needed to do downtown with him. He had to move as quickly as possible because he didn’t know when his condition would worsen. Jonghwa hesitated as if he didn’t want to go, but he couldn’t resist Hajin’s stubbornness.“This is yours now.”First, they went to the bank to create an account in Jonghwa’s name. A few months ago, Hajin and Jonghwa had registered their marriage, and fortunately, it had been processed in time.The second place they headed to was the insurance company, where they completed the process of changing the beneficiary of Hajin’s insurance to Jonghwa by writing a power of attorney. Now that the preparations seemed truly complete, Hajin felt at ease.When he died, the insurance money would be deposited into this account. Jonghwa’s face darkened rapidly as he realized the purpose of today’s outing. Hajin looked straight into his eyes and spoke firmly.“When I die, three hundred million won will be deposited into this account. Use that money to go abroad and live. Got it?”“Fuck… why are you saying shit like that?”“No, it’s important. So answer me.”As Hajin pressed for an answer, Jonghwa quickened his pace, as if he didn’t want to hear any more. Hajin grabbed his solid forearm and pulled him back sharply.“Jonghwa. You can’t avoid it just by avoiding it. So let’s prepare now.”“Prepare for what? Stop talking nonsense and let’s go eat. I’m hungry, damn it…”“I can’t stand the thought of someone else getting my insurance money. I think I’d be so pissed I couldn’t ascend even after death, so you must take it. Promise me.”“I don’t need money.”“It doesn’t matter if you don’t need it. Just take it. Promise me.”“…Damn it…”“It’s a promise. Don’t break it.”“Do whatever you want.”It wasn’t a complete confirmation, but it was satisfying enough. Hajin smiled as he limped along, holding Jonghwa’s arm. He only hoped that the time remaining for Jonghwa would be filled with happiness.＊＊＊“Hey. Wake up. What’s wrong?”It was a very cold day. Jonghwa, who had woken up feeling the chill, smiled contentedly when he noticed Hajin sleeping soundly for the first time in a long while. But his joy was short-lived. Something was off about the sound of his breathing. Jonghwa, his brow furrowed, brought his ear close.Hajin, who had his eyes gently closed, was making a wheezing sound instead of the usual peaceful breathing. Jonghwa’s eyes darkened. He immediately grabbed his shoulder and shook him, but Hajin didn’t budge.“Hey! Park Hajin! Open your eyes!”Hajin’s eyelids fluttered as Jonghwa repeatedly shouted. He hugged Hajin to his chest and shook him roughly. He hadn’t seemed particularly ill when he fell asleep last night, but now he looked strange, and it scared Jonghwa.“Hey…!”Even though he knew it wasn’t right to do this to a sick person, he couldn’t think rationally. Jonghwa shouted loudly into Hajin’s ear, who lay limp in his arms. His emaciated body seemed to jerk awake, and Hajin slowly opened his eyes, making a sound like a cat purring.“Hey. Are you okay? Are you in pain? What’s wrong, huh?”His trembling voice was filled with urgency. His wide-open eyes were brimming with fear and darted around. Hajin, who was staring blankly at Jonghwa with cloudy eyes, let his head droop to the side as if it was too difficult.“Let’s go to the hospital. Get on my back. Let’s go to the hospital.”There was nothing in Hajin’s eyes. It was as if he were looking at a picture with no light. Jonghwa’s face twisted. Whenever Hajin looked at him, his eyes always sparkled, but now they were just black.“What’s wrong? Huh? What’s wrong…”His voice was tinged with desperation. Jonghwa, who was ready to rush to the hospital, lowered his ear to catch the faint voice. He heard muttering he couldn’t understand.“What?”“…Hey.”“What?”“Who… are you…”“…What?”“Who… are you…”Just hearing the rasp in his breath was painful. Hajin, with his pale lips moving slightly, asked flatly. It didn’t seem like he was genuinely curious; he probably wasn’t in his right mind. His dry face and eyes, devoid of any emotion, looked like he was dreaming. Jonghwa’s frantic movements came to a sudden halt.“Put me down. It hurts…”It had been quite some time since Hajin’s voice started breaking off. Jonghwa, clenching his jaw so tightly that the muscles in his chin stood out, laid Hajin back on the bed. He covered him with a blanket up to his neck and quickly turned away to hide his expression.Hajin stared blankly at the ceiling, like a doll with no thoughts. Every time he took a breath, there was a strange wheezing sound. The sound was so different from normal breathing that Jonghwa’s hands trembled uncontrollably out of fear.“It’s Jonghwa.”“……”“It’s me, Jonghwa.”“……”Hajin didn’t even glance at Jonghwa, who answered him, as if he had forgotten that he had asked first.Just last night, when they exchanged goodnight hugs, his eyes sparkled like they were holding stars. Jonghwa quickly raised his gaze to the ceiling. Tears welled up in his trembling eyelids.“It’s not time yet. I’m not ready yet.”“……”“I can’t let you go yet. Damn it, don’t go. Not yet.”“……”Hajin didn’t respond. Only the occasional wheezing sound filled the room.“Park Hajin, it’s snowing outside.”Hajin, who had been leaning against the bed, turned his eyes to the window at the fuss coming from the living room. These days, he didn’t even know how time passed. When he opened his eyes, two days would have flown by, and three days would have slipped away. He couldn’t remember much of the past days, not even the pain, which might have been a blessing. Hajin’s hollow eyes stared blankly at the snowflakes clinging to the window.Jonghwa, who brought a cup of warm water, sat on the bed. He must have gone outside as he felt cold. Hajin, too weak to even blink, just stared blankly at him without answering.After the day he suddenly couldn’t recognize Jonghwa, Hajin’s condition deteriorated rapidly. Some days, he couldn’t wake up, forcing Jonghwa to carry him on his back to the hospital. The doctor, who had come rushing out with a serious expression, shook his head after hearing the diagnosis of ‘terminal stomach cancer.’ There was nothing more to be done except to find a good place with clean air where he could pass away peacefully.“Damn it, say something, anything. I’m going to forget your voice.”“……”“You said you like the snow.”Jonghwa opened his clenched palm. The water pooled in his palm must have been a snowflake a moment ago. Hajin traced the lines of his palm with his trembling fingers. He felt like he was wandering in pitch-black darkness. He couldn’t see properly even though his eyes were open. He couldn’t tell if he was thinking straight.“……Does it hurt?”He couldn’t open his mouth. The headache was unbearable when he tried to speak. Hajin didn’t respond to Jonghwa’s words. Instead, he wrote in his palm with his dry fingers.Jonghwa.I’m sorry.It was something he really wanted to say. Even when he was losing consciousness repeatedly, Jonghwa’s face was always in his mind. Now that the time to go was truly approaching, he wanted to say it while he still had the chance.“Damn, what are you apologizing for.”Jonghwa’s gruff tone made him want to laugh, but it didn’t show. Hajin slowly blinked and moved his fingers with great effort.I love you.The last words, written with great difficulty, were the love he had acknowledged a bit too late. Jonghwa, who had been about to say something, closed his mouth tightly. After a moment, Hajin heard sobbing near his ear. He cried silently, not having the strength to shed tears.“Ugh…”Hajin, holding a pen, rolled his eyes in thought. Today was a relatively good day. He had to finish his tasks quickly before Jonghwa returned from grocery shopping, so he pushed himself to sit at the desk. His thin arms started trembling just from writing a few words. Hajin clenched his fist and pressed the pen hard onto the notebook, writing down the words.Get a phone, book a flightThe barely legible, shaky letters listed the tasks Jonghwa would need to do after he was gone.Hajin vaguely sensed it. He could die at any moment, maybe even tomorrow. He might leave so suddenly that he wouldn’t even realize he was dying. So, he was in a hurry. He wanted to teach Jonghwa, who would be left alone, even a little bit about how to live happily.Three hundred million won. It wasn’t a huge amount, but it was enough for one person to live on. Jonghwa was fearless and resilient, so he would quickly adapt to living abroad. But he was still worried. Hajin, pressing his lips with the end of the pen, slumped over the desk as if he had reached his limit.“Damn it…”He didn’t know how many more days had passed. Today, he hadn’t eaten much, but he felt nauseous, and chills ran through his body. The painkillers didn’t work anymore. It seemed he had reached the end. Hajin, barely holding onto the wall, made his way to the bathroom, unable even to lift the toilet lid, and vomited on the floor. His emaciated body heaved as the foul-smelling vomit poured out of his mouth.Now, it was normal for urine to leak out. The bile scratching his throat and the urine running down his thighs were excruciatingly hot. Hajin, kneeling on the bathroom floor and holding onto the sink, retched for a long time, not noticing his body covered in vomit.“Ugh…”When the vomiting stopped, the severe pain immediately followed. It felt like his organs were being wrung out like a rag. Hajin clutched his stomach, groaning as tears streamed down his face.He wasn’t crying out of sadness or sorrow. The pain was unbearable. Even when he was beaten with a cane by his teacher as a child or when he broke his shinbone in a car accident, he had endured without crying. But he was so weak in the face of an incurable disease.“Ugh…”His mouth made a grinding sound. Hajin, grimacing and groaning, looked down with unfocused eyes. When he spat out the hard object on his tongue into his palm, he saw a canine tooth, covered in bright red blood.With trembling hands, Hajin felt his gums, which tasted metallic. Sure enough, the spot where his canine tooth used to be was empty. His habit of clenching his teeth to endure pain had finally resulted in this. Staring blankly at the canine tooth, its root still tangled with flesh, Hajin closed his eyes tightly.“Did you throw up?”“……”After vomiting for a long time, Hajin didn’t even have the strength to lift a finger. He sat on the cold bathroom floor, leaning against the wall, waiting endlessly for Jonghwa. It wasn’t the first time, and by now, he was used to it.Jonghwa, who had returned from grocery shopping, called Hajin’s name as he searched the house, finally bursting into the bathroom. The pungent smell of vomit and urine filled the air, but without a single grimace, Jonghwa stepped inside.“Does it hurt?”He had gotten used to not hearing a response. Jonghwa threw his pants out of the bathroom, grabbed the showerhead, adjusted the water temperature, and kept asking questions to himself.“Tell me if it’s too hot.”He kept his hand under the water for a long time to adjust the temperature, so much so that the back of his hand turned bright red. Worried that he might have burned himself, Hajin only moved his brow slightly, unable to speak.“Your hair has grown a lot.”Jonghwa sat cross-legged on the floor and lifted Hajin onto his lap. Without bothering to wipe off the foam from his own body, he diligently washed Hajin’s hair. His large hands combed through the thin hair and scratched his itchy scalp. Next, he washed Hajin’s body, using his own hands as a towel. Hajin lay still in his arms like a lifeless corpse, doing nothing but keeping his eyes open.“Why are you in so much pain all of a sudden? You seemed fine before.”That’s how cancer is. It can seem fine and suddenly turn deadly, or seem to be improving and then rapidly worsen. Hajin was no different. Even up to a month before his death, he had been eating well, walking well, and sleeping well, only to deteriorate suddenly. The doctor had said it was normal, but the two of them were still struggling to accept it.“Hey, what do you think it would have been like if we had met a bit earlier?”The water, perfectly warm, soaked his body. Hajin blinked slowly and took shallow breaths. Jonghwa continued to speak, gently washing Hajin’s emaciated body.