Den Lille Luftdatter

Evan took his seat, hastily trying to bring out his textbook and all the necessary utensils. Nice and organised, excellent. It felt like a good omen, when he was able to start the first class of the day feeling controlled. When he did this, he usually felt like he'd then be able to keep that momentum up for the rest of the day.

It was a habit he was trying to get going. His clumsy attitude sometimes made it difficult, but he was slowly adjusting. Caring about his image had started mattering more and more lately, with the attention he kept getting. People had been giving Evan weird looks for what felt like a long while now, likely spreading some rumours and gossip. Those initial ones had truth to them, at least. He'd obviously long stopped hiding it at school. The idea behind the habit was that it made him feel more ready if anyone asked or confronted him about anything. He'd be calm, he'd speak clearly, he'd show confidence in who he was and in his identity. He wasn’t afraid. 

If he didn’t restrain myself, Evan felt as if he might end up being loud or saying something dumb that’d give a bad impression. If everyone was watching, he just felt like he had to be extra careful of that. What would they then think of him? Of other people who were like him? It added a certain pressure to his life in recent times.

Though it’s not as if confrontation had actually been common. There were plenty of questions at first, but things had calmed down since then, and now most just kept their distance. The teasing was limited, and even that had faded by this point, after some months. Evan wasn’t really sure if his peers actually cared anymore or not. He'd think he was finally blending in if he didn’t keep getting looks.

But that’s beside the point. At last, after a while of anxiously waiting with his interlocked fingers on top of his desk, Mrs. Ashman entered the door and commanded everyone to take their seats. Evan had already been quiet and seated, but some of his other classmates looked like they'd still been snickering something before that point.

“Ahem, now, morning attendance…” She began, listing off names one after another. Evan braced himself. Here it comes, let’s see which one it’d be today.

“...Aaaand [BRRRZZZZ]?” She asked.

Evan flinched, doing his best to erase hearing that word from his mind. Replace it with some loud noise, like a buzzsaw. Yeah, buzzsaws are cool. And awesome. It was odd how quickly he'd grown tired of hearing that name, the moment he switched to something else. It still felt uncomfortable, every single time. “Here.” He answered, with a calm directness despite his discomfort.

Mrs. Ashman looked at him and blinked. “Oh, right, ‘Evan,’ I mean… My apologies, I’d read it out without thinking.”

You’d think she’d have known by now. He could tell some of the other teachers had been better about it once they’d heard, but more of them than you’d expect were acting like this was still almost impossible to fully adjust to. They just had to pretend one name on the list was something else. It couldn’t be that hard, could it?

Evan unsure from the start about his parents’ suggestion to put him in a boarding school. An all-girls one, for that matter. Though in their defense, they didn’t know any better. Only his older sister seemed to have had any kind of inkling, and even that was off-base. The day before he left, while he was packing, she’d at one point assured him in private that all-girl schools would probably be heaven for lesbians. The comment had caught him completely off guard, as he'd not said anything of the sort about his identity by that point, but he had tried not to make anything of it.

He wasn’t even sure how true that statement of hers could actually be, but it didn’t matter. In the end, she was wrong, and didn’t know any better either.

It wasn’t until Evan was away from it all and out on his own that he'd actually started to explore and think about things more. The longer he stayed here, the more he realized he didn’t quite fit in as a… girl. At all. Even as a tomboy, lesbian or whatever.

He was just a guy. A trans guy.

Things made more sense at that point, but that obviously still made things difficult. It’s not like it was ‘official’ official, but he had done his job telling people, and he'd asked the faculty for his family back home not to find out, at least for a while. They seemed surprisingly respectful with that, but he couldn’t help but wonder if that was just because they were unsure about what to even do with a kid like him. Overall, he'd felt like he'd made big steps, but naturally there were still obstacles in the way.

Oh, to feel like you’re finally free, only to discover that it’s still oh so limited, and comes at a cost.

As Mrs. Ashman finally began her lecture, Evan played a little game with himself and looked behind him. Wouldn’t you know it, he noticed two different sets of eyes on him, who awkwardly shied away, pretending as if that didn’t happen. 

This was why he felt pressure to be calm. Even after months, it still got on his nerves. He didn’t even look that different, only cutting his hair short. The skirt was already only an optional part of the uniform too, so it's not like he was the only student wearing pants every day.

At least he still had some friends to help keep him going. And most classmates were polite and nice about it.

Evan looked out the window. About a mile away, he knew there was a boy’s boarding school, effectively serving as some kind of institutional counterpart. It’s not like he hated his friends here, but it was hard not to wonder what was going on with the other side sometimes. Classes, dining halls and hallways filled with guys. What would that have been like, getting to go to a place like that? Just as another one of the guys?

…He wondered if there was anyone out there who might have felt similar.

 

---

 

Evan sat down at the lunch table with his tray.

“Ahh, so nice of you to join us, Evan!” Grace greeted, instantly swapping her unimpressed frown with an unassuming smile.

“Morning,” He bluntly greeted.

“Mmh,” Maddie added right next to him. Evan assumed she wasn't too interested in talking today, she had her face buried in that gaming console of hers.

“You know people are gonna take that away if you’re gaming in the middle of the cafeteria, right?” He asked.

She looked up at him briefly, though as usual it was hard to make out her expression with her eyes hiding behind that disastrous head of hair. “It’s cool. I have earplugs, no one’ll hear.”

“And like I was saying earlier, Maddie,” Grace continued, gesturing with her hand as if trying to make a point. “That does not help. If you don’t want to get in trouble, save the games for when you’re back at the dorm.”

“I could take it back for you.” Evan suggested. She was his roommate, after all, it’d be easy for him to handle the issue. “If you’re just feeling too lazy.”

“...Nah, I’ll manage,” Was all she responded with.

Evan shrugged, “Well alright then.” He lowered his fork, switching his attention back to lunch on a dime. He'd never tried what they were serving today, so he was curious.

“Wha- Evan?” Grace questioned, before sighing and glancing back at Maddie. “Ugh, if I can’t convince you…” She leaned her cheek on her hand in an almost frustrated manner, pushing her rimmed glasses up a bit in the process. 

…Though she soon grimaced, turning up her nose as she looked at her food. “Is it me or does lunch stink today? Like, I was smelling it even in the hallway.”

Maddie shrugged, not bothering to look away from her screen.

Evan swallowed his food. “Mh, I dunno, I think this is pretty good!” Before he knew it he was scarfing down another bite. It tasted kinda like fish? Though there were also potatoes and some other stuff mashed in. Some kind of onion-y flavour? Either way, he loved it! “You prolly just say that cuz there’s fish in it. Or I’m pretty sure? What did they call this on the menu?”

“Creamy fish casserole.” Maddie muttered. She had a habit of being surprisingly attentive like that.

“Well, it’s delicious. Glad they’re trying new things here.” Evan smiled to himself, having another few bites. “Mpf- seriously!”

“Please don’t chew with your mouth open…” Grace reminded him with a disappointed tone. She lowered her own fork and tried for a bite. “Eh, I guess it’s okay. You’re right, maybe it is just the smell. Ugh, I hate fish…”

“Hey, if you don’t want yours, I think I have room for more.” Evan licked his lips.

Grace frowned, “You’re unbelievable.”

“I haven’t taken a bite, so you can have mine.” Maddie suddenly spoke, eyes still fixed on her little screen. “I’m not hungry.”

“Aw, thanks Maddie, you’re the best!” He thanked her with a wide grin. He moved her tray in front of him on the table and kept eating.

“Again, you’re unbelievable.” Grace repeated.

“Hey, just wait until I get my hands on some testosterone,” He added after swallowing. “I’ve heard it makes for a monster’s appetite.”

“Well, just try to have some room ready for tomorrow, at least.” Grace pointed her fork at him. “Can’t be all out of space then.”

Evan paused his eating, blinking at her. “Huh? What do you mean?”

Grace blinked back.

For once, Maddie paused her game to look up at him. 

“...What?”

“It’s your birthday tomorrow.” Maddie muttered.

“...Huh? Wait, is it? Oh my god, it is!"

“We decided we’d all go to that diner nearby to celebrate.” Grace added. “The one with the burgers you like?”

Maddie nodded, “You said you were gonna try the jumbo deluxe.”

“...Huh, yeah, I guess I did.” Evan chewed on another bite, thinking back to that. He'd genuinely forgotten. “Holy shit, I’m turning 16!”

“Took you long enough…” Grace rolled her eyes.

He thought some more about it. It felt… surreal. “I guess time just moves fast like that.”

“Things do feel a bit different, admittedly…” Grace looked back at him.

“You mean me coming out?” He asked.

She shrugged, “I’m just saying. You’ve seemed… happier, since then. Though not sure I can put my finger on how exactly.”

Evan smiled bashfully, “Well, thanks. That means a lot.” Had he been happier? Thinking more, It was kinda different in that he was feeling more like a guy to the people around him, but he hadn’t realized it might have been noticeable like that.

“Hm, I guess I just still have trouble with most people? I only really feel that comfortable with you guys, it’s always like I’m an outsider to everyone else. They keep staring.”

“Well you are the only guy here now…” Maddie muttered.

“Well no, it’s more like I’m ‘the trans kid’ now, isn’t it?” Evan asked. “People were always gonna think I was weird.”

Grace cocked a half-smirk.

“...What?”

“Well, I mean…” Grace looked away. “A girl or two may have asked me about you...”

“...You’re kidding.”

“I mean come on, you draw all this attention to yourself when you come out, then you act all isolated and don’t talk to people?” Grace went on. “People think you’re mysterious, they’re curious!”

Evan blinked, “Wait, hold on, you don’t actually mean…?” He trailed off.

“You do look the part.” Maddie briefly commented.

“Yeah, I didn’t want to say it but… that too…” Grace continued. “I know you have your dysphoria and stuff, and you don’t have hormones yet, but you really do already kinda look…”

“Like a guy?” He tried finishing for her. “I know you wanna be nice, but I’m not buying it. Like c’mon, I barely have any muscle built up.” He gestured at the two trays in front of me. “Even when I eat two plates of stuff like this, I still feel like a twig.”

“But you are kinda tall…” Grace commented.

“Your face...” Maddie added.

Grace pointed at the girl, “That’s right, yeah! It's not like you look all that feminine in the face either. If anything you’re kinda androgynous, especially with the haircut… Like sure you haven’t gotten to be all that masculine yet, but you’re in that weird zone where you’re still kinda…” She paused, finding the right words.

Maddie looked at Grace. “Princely?”

She pointed at Maddie again. “Yeah, exactly! That’s a decent word for it! It’s almost kinda like having that k-pop flair, know what I mean?”

Evan furrowed his brows, “So what, you’re saying I get stared at because girls have a crush on me?”

“I mean, no, not really, not necessarily.” Grace shrugged. “But I think a lot of people are more so just interested in what you’re like, rather than judgmental or whatever.”

He sighed, “I’m still not buying it.”

“That’s the dysphoria talking.” Maddie responded.

“Well, maybe, but it’s also the truth.” Evan refuted. He went back to have another bite from Maddie’s tray, but the two kept giving him a skeptical look. “Okay, fine, maybe I accidentally give people a cold shoulder, but no one’s actually interested in a teenage trans boy in that way.”

…The two kept staring, and then he thought about it more. He sighed again, “Look, I’ll think about it. Let’s say I’ll start trying to be more open to people after tomorrow, once we’re done with my birthday. New year, new me, or whatever.”

“Sounds like a decent enough benchmark to me.” Grace took another bite out of her food, then she stopped and looked down at her tray. “Mmm… Okay, no, you’re right, this is actually kinda decent.”

“SEE?!” Evan stretched his hands forward in an overly dramatic gesture. “I told you!” He looked back at Maddie. “Seriously, you didn’t even wanna try it?”

“Meh…” Was all she responded with, turning her game back on.

Evan rolled his eyes in response, returning his attention back to his own tray as his mind began wandering.

As he thought more about it, he wondered if they were right. Lately he'd felt so much more comfortable around his friends since he came out. That could be part of the problem, that he wasn’t extending the same amount of comfort to others. It’s not like anyone’s gone so far as to tease him in a while, maybe he'd be accepted?

Still, he couldn't help but find it ridiculous. A girl interested in him like that? He'd eat his pants. They were just trying to be nice. The idea that girls might like him definitely had to be an exaggeration. No way would he experience anything like that anytime soon.