Dungeons Are Bad Business

Vee took a sip of his coffee and leaned forward in his chair. He reached over to the small lamp on the table and fiddled with it until its light was squarely centered on Reginald. The [Dungeon Master] glared at his [Majordomo].

“Okay,” Vee said. “We can do this the easy way or the hard way. You choose.”

Reginald sighed. “You’ve already said that. Like an hour ago.”

Vee folded his arms across his chest. “It was fifteen minutes ago! Besides, if you just cracked under the pressure like you’re supposed to, I wouldn’t have to keep trying to come up with intimidating things to say.”

“I’m not going to change my mind, boss. I’m not going to tell you about The Little Miss. You really, really, should drop it. We got out of the casino without any problems, and I apologized. That should be good enough.”

Vee shook his head. They were both just repeating themselves at this point. For the last couple days, they’d gone round and round about the enigmatic figure and he had nothing to show for his efforts. He’d even tried locking Reginald in the bathroom again, but this time the hat had borne the burden much better, and remained defiantly silent.

Alforde rested Hammy against the wall and looked over at the interrogation. He shook his helmet once, then detached and arm and floated it across the room to turn the lamp off.

“We’re out of time for this today, you two. We’ve got to go to the bank and exchange the silvers for golds before heading to Crestheart. Come on.”

Vee hung his head. Alforde was right. He’d have to accept defeat for now…while he thought up a better way to put the squeeze on Reginald.

Alforde picked up the bulging bag of silver fleurs intended for the bank and the trio went out for the day. It was raining and a little gloomy, and the familiar streets felt strangely unsafe. Vee looked over his shoulder every few steps, vaguely anxious. The cause was a mystery. Maybe he hadn’t slept enough the night before.

Or maybe it was the clanking bag of silver that attracted wolfish glances from almost every street urchin they passed.

Impossible to say, really.

He wasn’t particularly worried until a trio of scruffy men wearing baggy clothes fell into step behind them. As they turned down corners and crossed street after street, Vee kept hoping that the trio would stop following them, but alas. Instead, the men got closer and closer until they were within arm’s reach.

One casually put a hand on Vee’s shoulder and stopped the little [Dungeon Master] in his tracks.

“Just a second, eh friend?”

Vee turned and saw that the man was grinning at him. It wasn’t a friendly grin though. Not in the slightest.

“What do you scumbags want?” Reginald asked. If the man was surprised to be addressed by a hat, he didn’t show it.

“We couldn’t help but notice that your friend there has to carry that big hammer and that bag of jingle-jangles too. Why don’t we lighten your load by taking the bag off your hands, huh?”

He casually opened his jacket and revealed a long knife tucked into his belt. “Savvy?”

“Robbers, eh? Leave us alone,” Alforde said, taking a step forward. The armorsoul set the bag on the ground next to his feet. He hefted Hammy into his gauntlets and bent his legs a little bit, like he was getting ready for a fight in the champion’s arena. Somehow, he seemed bigger and taller, and a lot less friendly.

“Wasn’t talking to you, tin can. I’m talking to your friend here, the little [Dungeon Master]. Surely you wouldn’t want him to get hurt, right?”

Looking back at Vee, the man tilted his head to the side and moved his hand closer to the handle of his knife.

“If you know what’s smart, you’ll do as we ask, shrimp. We’re trying to help you make the best of a bad situation, savvy?”

Vee found that the threat didn’t scare him as much as it should have. The whole thing, from the prolonged pursuit to the idiotic use of the word ‘savvy’ multiple times pissed him off and stiffened his spine.

Guess I should [Escalate] things, huh?

He grinned up the would-be thief, filled with manic confidence that wasn’t his own.

“That’s kind of you. Thanks for the offer, friend, but we’ll pass. Let me help you make the best of a bad situation. If you and your cronies turn around right now and leave us alone, we’ll pretend this never happened. However, if you persist in thinking that you’re going to threaten me into giving you our money, you’ll find that you’ll never again enjoy the experience of eating solid food. [Get The Picture]?”

Using the skill was nothing like he expected it to be. His perception of the world shifted so that everything around him looked like it’d been lifted from a children’s drawing. The colors were garish and didn’t “stay inside the lines”, and all the proportions were wrong.

Alforde was a big blobby mass holding a stick with a circle at the end and the men were little more than stick figures. He himself was a tiny blue and pink scribble, with a rectangular atop his head that was twice his size.

Vee couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. Sacre’s version had been much more intimidating.

Still, it’d get his point across. Like he was a child playing with action figures, Vee picked up the Alforde image and one of the thieves and acted out a savage, albeit unrealistic beating.

“Bam! Bam! Take that! Argh, my teeth! They’re shattered!”

He emphasized the hammer slamming into the man’s face a few more times for good measure, and then left the first figure on the pastel-colored street while he repeated the process for each of the man’s associates. Each beating was accompanied by several more teeth-related injuries.

When he was done, he deactivated the skill and blinked as his senses returned to normal.

“See what I mean?”

The would-be-thief looked at him, and then at Alforde and then at Hammy for a long, long time. Apparently he lost his nerve, because he let his coat fall closed again, nodded uncomfortably, and backed away slowly.

“Right. Sorry about that, we’ll be going now.”

Grinning, Vee planted his hands on his hips and watched them go. He turned to Alforde and gave the armorsoul a big thumbs up.

“Good stuff, buddy!”

[Intimidating Presence +1]

[Congratulations, you are now a Guy-who-takes-things-WAY-too-far, Level 3!]

And with that, they went to the bank and exchanged their silver for gold fleurs without any more issues.

Walnut came up the stairs and into the office just before the day’s first adventurer was scheduled to start her run. He was still battered and bruised, but he looked much better than he had back at Angelino’s.

“Good morning, Mister Vales. How’s business?”

Vee wasn’t much interested in small talk. He picked up the pouch of gold fleurs and tossed it to the gangster. Walnut caught it and opened it up to count the coins inside.

“Just making the minimum this week, eh? Hope that’s not out of necessity.”

After talking it over, the trio had decided to only pay Sacre’s minimums for a few weeks while their current fleur flow was more than enough to cover the repayment costs. They’d stock away the extra for the next few after those while they worked to boost Crestheart’s profit margins and find other streams of revenue like the potions. Then, once they were earning enough fleurs every week, they’d start making lump sum payments to finish paying down the principal. If everything went to plan, they’d finish early and not need to pay so much interest.

Walnut was looking at Vee expectantly. The [Dungeon Master] shrugged and fiddled with some of his controls so that they’d be ready for the day’s first run.

“The five golds that you’re entitled to this week are all there. Next week you’ll get ten. Now, unless you’ve got something else to discuss, go ahead and get out of here. I’ve got a dungeon to operate.”

Walnut smiled and inclined his head ever so slightly. “Sure hope so, kiddo. Business always has its ups and downs though, you know? Best stay sharp. The boss has taken a shine to you. Understand? Don’t go messing it up. Otherwise, I’ll be coming back around, and I won’t be so friendly, yeah?”

Vee met the man’s gaze and forced himself not to look away. Eventually, the gangster was satisfied that he’d made his point and turned around. He waved as he headed back towards the stairs.

“Be seeing you, Mister Vales.”

The door slammed shut and Vee looked over at Reginald. The hat was watching him and gave an approving flick of his brim before activating the magnifying crystals and welcoming the first adventurer into the dungeon.

Vee summoned Cecil and had the spreadsheet start taking note of how long it took her to clear the floor. He was pleased to see that she bought a pair of potions, too. Juniper had given them ninety potions for the day, and Vee crossed his fingers that they’d sell out, though with only seventeen adventurers scheduled for runs, they might not. Vee would have to check with the [Herbalist] and see how the efficacy of her mixtures waned over time. If leftovers worked fine, he might be able to reduce the next day’s batch.

The first run didn’t last long, and neither did the second or the third. Easy money and half a dozen potions sold. At Reginald’s suggestion, Vee summoned Do and directed him to take three potions from the second and third floors and bring them up so that the first mannequin was fully restocked.

“Make ‘em think that the people who failed before them wouldn’t have if they’d just bought potions,” Reginald explained.

Vee updated Cecil’s sheets with the day’s potion sales, and settled down to watch the fourth adventurer’s run.

The elkin was an [Battle Chef], and he carried a massive cleaver, skillet, and pair of tongs. He strode into the dungeon and bypassed the shopkeeper entirely, rushing straight to the action. Guess he didn’t care why the people who’d gone before him hadn’t won. Oh well, he’d learn soon enough.

When he met his first ghosts, the adventurer dispatched them easily with his cleaver, but instead of disappearing like they were supposed to, the pieces of the minions remained floating in the air. The [Battle Chef] collected them all, tossed them into his skillet and kindled a flame beneath the pan. He stirred them around with his tongs, and small conjurations that all looked like food started filling the air. Foodlings? Snacksters? Yummies? Foodlings probably made the most sense.

Whatever they were called, there wasn’t any correlation between what went in and what came out. Some pieces of ghost turned into sausages and meat pies, others turned into loaves of bread. A few looked burnt, and it took Vee a while to realize that they were supposed to be steaks. There were some cakes and other pastry ones too, though they were far less common than the savory dishes. All of them glowed with red-orange light. Probably some sort of heat or fire attribute.

Additionally, they were creepy as heck. All of them had a pair of jiggly eyes and a mouth that looked like it was made out of wax or something.

Vee closed his eyes and reached into the ethereal. He couldn’t interfere with the creations from where he was, but he wanted to see how they were constructed. He’d never heard of shaping ectoplasm like that before. Surprisingly though, while the adventurer was easy enough to find, Vee couldn’t sense any of the foodlings. Nor could he detect any trace of his own ghosts. Whatever skill the [Battle Chef] had used, it had totally transformed the ectoplasm into a different substance entirely. Interesting.

Vee wondered if there was any way he could talk to the adventurer later and get the details of the skill. It’d be tough though, since there were still other runs to get through and most who attempted to beat the dungeon left right after losing against Alforde. Maybe he could try to come up with some sort of “Consolation Café” or something, where they could go and linger after their attempts and (hopefully) spend a few fleurs on refreshments. Cookies, coffee, merchandise, that sort of crap.

He added the idea to his little notebook. Another thing to think about later.

Once the elkin was finished “cooking”, he reached down and took a piece of paper out of his pocket. He studied it for a moment, running his finger along the sheet from time to time and then pointing at various other parts of the room.

"What’s he doing?” Vee asked. “That’s not our snapshot, is it?”

Reginald watched the adventurer check the sheet again and quivered on the table. “Doesn’t look like it. It looks like its more than one page. Son of a – I think that’s a dungeon guide!”

Though it was impossible to be sure, it certainly seemed likely. The [Battle Chef] was infallible. He dodged every pitfall, was ready for every trap. Whenever he had to fight, his foodlings would distract the dungeon minions and he’d work his way through each pack, adding more and more of the creepy, hopefully-not-edible aberrations each time.

He paused now and again as he progressed, checking his papers each time he did so. Despite the auras affecting him and the shifting walls, he never lost his way or seemed to get scared of the surprises along the red path.

“This isn’t good,” Reginald said. “If this guy’s got a guide it’s a safe bet that a bunch of other challengers do too. How do you want to handle this, boss?”

Vee drummed his fingers on the desk while he thought. He could try to make the guides worthless by changing the dungeon constantly, but that sounded like a lot of work and might not even be that effective. While he could break the layout up and make the paths different, he couldn’t really change the room shapes or pack composition all that easily. Even if they had to stumble around a little bit, knowing what each room held in store for them would be a huge disadvantage for Crestheart.

So that was out, and that meant that he’d have to try to nip the problem in the bud a different way. The first thing that popped into Vee’s mind was finding out where the [Battle Chef] had gotten his guide from and go try to convince the seller to stop doing so.

However, that wasn’t a sure thing, either. If the seller refused, things could end up getting messy. If only there was –

Vee had an idea. He grinned.

[Plotting +1]

[Devious Mind +1]

“Boss? Should we disqualify him? If we just let adventurers have an information advantage, we’re going to end up paying through the nose when Alforde gets stretched too thin by adventurers who aren’t properly worn out.”

Vee shook his head. “Nah, we’ll let him keep going. He technically hasn’t broken any of our rules. Besides, I have a plan that I want his cooperation for. I don’t think he’ll be willing to help us if we disqualify him now.”

Reaching down, Vee activated the magnifying crystal that was connected to the champion’s arena.

“Hey buddy, when you’re finished thrashing the adventurer heading your way, tell him that I want to talk to him. Okay? Make it clear that if he tries to leave he’s going to be in a world of trouble. Got it?”

“Sure thing, Vee, but why?”

“Reginald and I are pretty sure he’s got a dungeon guide. He hasn’t taken any damage or struggled at all. It’s like he knows everything we’re going to throw at him before he gets there. If that’s the case, I want to find out where he got it from.”

Alforde was quiet for a moment. Vee could hear him shifting his helmet back and forth, the way he always did when he was upset. Alforde was a firm believer in fair play. “I see.”

“Feel free to let him have it, eh?”

The armorsoul’s voice was colder than usual.

“Will do, Vee. Shadowforde, come on out! Let’s give this guy a piece of our minds.”

Vee turned to Reginald. The hat was watching him intently.

“Care to let me in on what you’re thinking, boss?” Vee’s [Majordomo] asked.

“Well, I have a strong feeling that we’ve just found a fresh revenue stream. The only question is what it’s going to look like and how much we’re going to make from it.”

He left it at that, and watched the [Battle Chef] open the doors to Alforde’s arena.

Main Character Sheets:

Vee Vales:

Primary Class: Ghost Maestro (Locksmagister University), Level 21

Secondary Class: Dungeon Master (Oar’s Crest), Level 10

Tertiary Class: Guy-Who-Takes-Things-WAY-Too-Far (Self), Level 3 (+1)

Might: 8

Wit: 28

Faith: 18

Adventurousness: 6

Ambition: 9

Plotting: 13 (+1)

Charisma: 4

Devious Mind: 15 (+1)

Leadership: 10

Guts: 6

Intimidating Presence: 6 (+1)

Citizenship: 5

Alforde Armorsoul:

Primary Class: Hammer Afficionado (Self), Level 17

Secondary Class: Right-hand man (Vee Vales), Level 10

Tertiary Class: Dungeon Champion (Oar’s Crest), Level 10

Additional Class: Clunker (Vee Vales), Level 3

Might: 30

Wit: 10

Faith: 24

Adventurousness (Bound – Vee Vales): 7

Endurance: 11

Intimidating Presence: 8 (+1)

Heart of a Champion: 2

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 3

Vigilance: 3

Reginald:

Primary Class: Core Spirit (Unknown), Level ???

Secondary Class: Loudmouth (Self), Level 35

Tertiary Class: Majordomo (Vee Vales), Level 7

Additional Class: Announcer (Vee Vales), Level 3

Might: 1

Wit: 27

Faith: 6 (+1)

Ambition: 24

Greed: 21

Deceptiveness: 32

F%^*#@: ~

[-+--*-------%-%-----#--#-]

Citizenship (Bound – Vee Vales): 2