Enlightenment Through BDSM

It was one of those mornings. I hadn’t drank a ton the night before because I know what that does to me, or at least knew what it did to me before the body changes, but my head disagreed, plainly telling me, “You drank way too much, you silly cat.” We hadn’t really done much so far, barely even said a word to each other when we both woke up feeling like Dreck had lodged his axe into our skull while we were sleeping. I guess that’s part of dating too, though.

“Why does it hurt so much,” I groaned into the table.

“Cause booze at the Guild is always stronger than anywhere else,” Kalia said while massaging her forehead. “We have higher CON than most, so that’s usually fine, but I definitely overdid it last night. Drink your tea, and it shouldn’t be too bad for you today.”

I did as she told me, grimacing as I brought the mug up to my lip. It was an overly bitter drink, even with the honey I put in it, which surprised me since most things I’d had since arriving were very tasty. But medicine was medicine, and if it helped alleviate the hangover it’d be worth stomaching along with my bacon, eggs, and toast.

We weren’t the only ones nursing our previous evening’s self-inflicted injuries, but it was certainly far less crowded than the night before. Most of that crowd was probably still out cold, yet to wake up and face the horrors that awaited the day.

“I wonder what big job all those people were on,” I eventually said, my head starting to feel better after my breakfast and Kalia-mandated hangover cure.

“I heard some of them talking about it when I got our food last night. Something about a dragon.”

“A dragon?”

“Mhmm. They’re rare, but they do exist. Mostly keep to themselves, but occasionally one’ll get unruly.”

Dragons. That was certainly… I mean, I would say it was something I didn’t expect, but I was ready to accept just about anything at this point. 

“Oy! You two!”

Kalia winced at the shouting as I turned around. There was a woman there, a very short woman with a disproportionate amount of luggage. She had two, no, three bags on her: a backpack, a small fanny pack-like thing around her waist, and a giant satchel hanging off of her shoulder that clinked when she moved.

Those bag weren’t the only things she had holding stuff either. She was wearing a pair of what looked like canvas overalls with numerous pockets and straps holding vials with various colors of liquids to her, and she didn’t have much else on from what I could see except a black band around her chest and a headband pushing an absolute mess of thick, large, and unruly brown hair past her ears. Ears which were, by the way, giant mouse ears. Rat ears? I wasn’t really sure of the difference, but they were certainly ears, slightly more on the side of her head than mine, but still higher than a humans. And yes, she had a very thin tail too.

“Big Greenie told me ‘bout you two. Pink cat and a high elf, no other friends.”

“Big Greenie needs to mind his own business,” Kalia said, still staring into her mug. “And you need to be quiet.”

“Uhm, I think this is who Dreck told us about, someone looking for a party. He did say they were ‘mousey…’”

“And right he was,” the woman said with a thumbs up. Her voice was deep, hearty, but nasally at the same time, somewhat at odds with her small stature and thinness. “Emi the Extraordinary Mouse—not a rat!—at your service,” she added with an exaggerated bow, a bow which sent one of her colorful vials falling out of breast pocket and onto the floor. It shattered when it collided with the wood, the vibrant green liquid inside dispersing into a dense and quick moving cloud of the same color as soon as it touched the outside air.

In seconds, everyone in the immediate vicinity was coughing. It was spicy air, but more like horseradish spicy than pepper spicy, and it thankful didn’t burn our eyes too much at least.

“Rat, is that you?” I heard a voice shout from somewhere outside the smoke. 

“Mouse!” she said with a deep cough, apparently not thinking any further response was warranted.

The cloud did dissipate rather quickly, leaving a plethora of people staring at us, at the three of us in the center. “Apologies,” Emi said to the crowd of onlookers. “We won’t let it happen again!”

“Yeah right,” one man said, turning back to his breakfast. “Just keep it down!”

“What do you mean ‘we?’” Kalia managed to get out in between coughs. 

“We’re a party now, right?”

“Like fuck we are!” Kalia said, wincing at her own shouting this time. “We’re not looking for new members at this time.”

I almost brought up that Kalia had been talking about needing a third member, but I wasn’t quite so dense as to not pick up on what she meant. Still, I had to say something. “Kalia, maybe we should give her a chance. At least, hear her out?”

I could tell she was annoyed, but I was also pretty certain she was overreacting a little bit. Sure, Emi was a little loud, and she’d dropped… whatever it was she dropped, but that was just one mistake, and the loudness probably wouldn’t be as bothersome to Kalia when she wasn't hungover. After a moment of thought, Kalia seemed to agree, or at least relent.

“Fine. Job card, please. I’ll check your credentials at least.”

“Certainly!” Emi reached into her overalls, and I’m pretty sure into her bra too, and then pulled out a card not too unlike the one I had, but it did seem a little different.

“What are you, allergic to inventories?” Kalia said, taking the card as she gave Emi a side eye. “Oh my god, you’re fucking kidding me.”

“What is it it?” I asked. Kalia handed over the card throwing her head back into her hands and letting out a groan of frustration.

The card was different, in that it was very clearly just a regular piece of paper with writing on it, not the thick cardstock that mine and Kalia’s were on. Still, the writing did appear to be in the same font and style as ours.

Emi, Alchemist Level 2

STR: 9, DEX: 7, CON: 14, INT: 17, WIS: 9, CHA: 11

Skills:

Calculated Lob - Accuracy: INT. Power: VARIABLE. Throw a prepared projectile at a target, provided you have an accurate understanding of the physics behind the thrown object.

Energy Extraction - Can sense and extract supernatural energies from natural ingredients at an enhanced rate.

Explosive Personality - Has a great understanding of explosive reactions and how to achieve them, increasing efficacy of all explosive alchemical creations.

“I don't… see a problem,” I said. “Sure, DEX is low, but we wouldn't judge someone for one low stat… right?”

“Is that even a real Job card?” Kalia asked.

“Sure is! A real replacement one, anyway—my most recent one before that dissolved in acid. It's officially issued by the Guild though! You can check with the receptionist if you want.”

“‘Most recent’ replacement card?” I thought I could see a vein bulging from Kalia’s forehead.

“Yup! The one before that burned up in a fire, and my first replacement got eaten by a bunny.”

“You mean rabbit?” I asked. 

“No, bunny. Vicious little fucker, that one.” 

“The original?” Kalia asked.

“Oh, I just lost that one.”

“You— how? It's a Job card! You can just put it in your inventory!”

“Don't got one,” Emi said with a shrug. 

“Everyone has an inventory, or at least everyone with— Oh god, no…”

“Bingo! You figured it out, congratulations!”

“Figured out what?” I said, looking between to giddy Emi and dead-inside Kalia.

“That I don't have an adventuring Job!” Emi said, throwing her hands in the air like it was some sort of cheer, all her luggage jiggling and jingling. “I was a crafter class before, so I have an artisan Job instead. But it's fine, cause you don't mind lugging my stuff around, right? Course, you can't store my alchemical creations. I mean, you could try, but that didn’t work out so well for the last guy. Last I heard, he’s still bald to this day.”

My ears retreated back at that comment, poor fur on them and my tail both standing on end. 

“How did you even join the Guild?” I asked. I was curious myself since it was the “Adventurer’s Guild” after all, but I was also asking because I was pretty sure Kalia would be wondering the same, but she was occupied being dumbstruck.

“They let anyone in with a Job, actually. No discrimination!”

“I've heard enough. I'm too hungover to deal with this anymore, but the answer is, ‘No.’”

“Hangover, you say?” Emi said with a glint in her eyes, pulling a yellow vial out of one of her belts and presenting it. “I'm not much for healing potions, but I know how to cure that particular ailment, and always keep some handy. Only reason I'm able to stand on two feet right now myself—nearly drank my ears off last night!”

“Why would I trust anything you gave me?”

“Cause it's a bonafide cure, that's why! And besides, I always tell the truth. Sure, I drop shit a lot, and sure, sometimes the shit I drop happens to be explosives, but I'm learning to be better about that, and I always tell the truth.”

They stayed that way for a while, Emi extending her arm out, inching closer with her feet and repeatedly raising her eyebrows at Kalia, until finally the Elf broke and took the vial.

“If this is piss, I'm gonna kill you,” Kalia said. 

It sounded like a joke, and I'm pretty sure it was one, but Emi biting her lip and glancing down at the ground with wide eyes made me worry . Still, Kalia managed to down the tiny vial with only a little hacking and coughing.

“God, is that piss?”

“Fraid I can't reveal trade secrets, but it does work!”

Kalia blinked a couple of times, clearing her throat and chasing the concoction down with a full glass of water. “Shit, she's right. I feel… perfect, actually.”

“Course you do, I made it! So whataya say, partners? We'll be a band of misfits: two Reborn the other adventuring Jobs will be jealous of, one crafter the other adventuring Jobs want nothing to do with!”

Kalia looked conflicted for the first time since Emi had arrived. “Listen, I appreciate the hangover cure, a lot, but I don't think you're a good fit.”

Emi actually looked shocked, like she somehow hadn't expected the answer. She also looked… I mean, she just looked so sad! “But, I shared my hangover cure…”

“Come on,” I said, turning up and giving Kalia the best puppy dog eyes my kitty cat self could manage. “We can give her a shot, right?”

Kalia blinked, shaking her head and looking back at Emi. “Wait, is your brat rubbing off on her?”

“My bmouse is rubbing off on her!” If Elf eyes could roll out of their sockets, Kalia's, would have, but I just giggled. “Oh! I almost forgot, I got this.”

Emi threw her backpack into the table and started rummaging through it, eventually pulling out a crumpled up piece of paper that she handed to us. It was a job posting, from what I could tell. “Miner Rescue: Laborers are trapped behind a cave-in caused by Cave Goblins. Party size - three. Levels - 1-2. A specialist with explosion or earth moving magic or skills is required to participate to clear rubble. Reward: 1,500 seeds.”

Fifteen hundred, I thought. “That's five times what we got for the rabbits.”

“It's because there's a specialist requirement,” Kalia mumbled.

“A specialist requirement fulfilled by yours truly, Emi the Explosion Extraordinaire!”

Kalia looked at the paper for a long, long time before eventually signing. “One job, as a trial run.”

“Yuss!” Emi said, pumping her fist. “You won't regret it, Miss Elf Lady.”

“It's Kalia, and don't get too ahead of yourself. I'm gonna need to lay out some ground rules.”