Ferdie and the Elementals

A couple of moments pass. The wind blows, and the mountain smolders.

I keep my guard up, peering over my fists. "So, what now?"

She drops her dramatic pose, but keeps the greedy smile. "We cannot defeat each other. I do not have enough power to end you, and it seems you have been bound by pact magic that prevents you from killing."

"Pact magic? The hell're you talkin' about?"

"How could you not know? Pact magic requires the consent of two or more parties, so you must have made some form of agreement at one point or another."

I shake my head. "I didn't agree to shit!"

Raelith shrugs. "Well, whatever the case, I couldn't be happier." She turns her battleaxe into a warhammer, and leans on it as she makes a dreamy and wicked face. "I found someone worthy to do battle with. Some who doesn't break into pieces when stuck by the slightest blow."

"Well, if fighting's what gets your rocks off, why don't you join me?" I lower my dukes a bit. "I know thousands of cultists, wackos, and bots who'd love to eat that axe of yours."

"Hmm..." Raelith pouts her lip. "You are suggesting we stop fighting each other, and fight together?"

"Pretty much."

"Who are we fighting, exactly?"

"A bunch of crazy assholes that call themselves the Liberation Society who're totally hellbent on taking over and destroying everything."

She thinks for a moment, then frowns. "No, that's a terrible bargain for me."

"What? How do you figure?"

"Because if I'm to do battle with this Liberation Society, then I would probably have to let you Release me, which would make me lose almost all of my power." She sighs and shakes her head. "And I wouldn't be able to duel you as an equal anymore."

"Wait, you're telling me that you would rather just scrap with me than fight an actual war? You're the Elemental of War!"

"I do very badly wish to fight in a real war, but you've more or less hit the target."

"You're fucking crazy!"

She shrugs. "Perhaps. But I have been here, on this mountain, for ages, waiting, watching, and hoping that a worthy Hero would appear. And now I have finally met you, my Hero, and I will not give you up so easily." She smiles. "You and I, we can do battle, forever and ever, and I will never have to be alone again."

"Are you fucking serious!?" I blink. " Wait, what about the Trial? I beat you, so I passed, right? I know I got carried away near the end, but-"

A feeling of shame washes over me. I can't finish my sentence.

She gives me a curious look, then speaks. "The condition for passing the trial was my defeat, by either knockout or submission, so it is currently a stalemate." She lifts her hammer, turning it into a huge, thick broadsword. "But if you wish to continue-"

We both become aware of the weird ass sounds at the same time. One is crunchy and metallic, and the other is slimy, wet, and somehow, ugly.

Butt Ugly.

Oh, shit!

I turn to see Sir Biscuit, huge ass sword in hand, running full bore up the remains of the mountain path. Not far behind it is Zazel, riding on the back of a fat, slug-shaped mass of Butt Ugly Spawn. The gross-ass Butt Slug contracts and detracts like a giant wet turd that has come to life and thinks it's a caterpillar.

I head toward them and start waving my hands. "No, you fucking idiots! She's not Released! Get the fuck outta here, now!"

Sir Biscuit and Zazel exchange glances, as if silently asking each other, "What the fuck?", but they keep coming.

"Fucking stop!"

I spin back to Raelith. "Don't even fucking start!"

"Oh, what's this? More challengers?" Raelith scans them curiously, a twinkle in her eye.

"No! Don't attack them! They don't know what's going on!"

She winds up with her enormous blade, another smile cracking across her face.

I reach out. "Yo, I said stop! If you kill them, we are all completely, royally fucked!"

Her face twists in confusion. "Huh?" She relaxes her stance slightly. "What are you on about?"

"Shit!"

I turn back around, and they're already rolling up to our little plateau of devastation. Sir Biscuit approaches slowly, giant sword cranked back and at the ready, while Zazel slips forward cautiously atop her Butt Slug.

Zazel could have just sent her Spawn. At least Althea is being cautious.

"Brisket!" Zazel shouts, "What in all creation have you been doing!? I will make you suffer for forcing me to travel all night!"

"Zazel! I'm not fucking around! Stay the fuck back! She could cut you in half in the blink of an eye!"

"She could," Zazel dismounts sliding down the her slimy mount, "but she won't."

"This isn't the time for your cocky bullshit! Stay. Away."

Zazel rolls her eyes as she approaches, a hand on her hip. "You are irony incarnate. Wait, do you even understand what that means?"

"The fuck, Zazel? I'm trying to keep you from losing your head!"

She stops next to me, eyes locked on Raelith. "She's not going attack me. Well, she won't kill me, at least. She's Chaos-aligned."

"Chaos-aligned?" I blink. "How do you know that?"

"I'm the Chaos Elemental, you egg. You think I can't sense my own kind?" She closes her eyes and shakes her head, then points at Raelith's chest. "Besides, it's obvious because all Chaos Elementals have a blue stone and blue eyes. Or eye, in this case."

"What? Why didn't you tell me that sooner?"

"You never asked. You're about as inquisitive as a stump. Maybe you would actually learn something if you didn't spend every waking moment punching and yelling at everything you see. "

"Tch, fuck off."

She shrugs. "At any rate, I'm a little surprised that you're so concerned. I assumed that you two were about to engage in the Ritual of Release, seeing as you were both naked."

I look down at myself I totally forgot that I was naked. I can't remember exactly when my clothes melted off, but I'm pretty sure I've never been in my birthday suit for this long.

"I'm not about to do shit with this crazy bitch. All she wants to do is fight! She won't go along with my plan to fuck up the Society assholes, and she doesn't want me to Release her. Besides, she's too fuckin' nuts."

"And since when does being 'nuts' pose an issue for you, you absolute manic?" She sighs and throws up her hands. "Let me see if I can pick up your slack, Hero."

"Unfuckingbelievable. If you think you can talk her into it, be my fucking guest."

"Very well. Just stay back and try not to do anything stupid."

Raelith looks at Zazel, her eye twinkling with curiosity. "I don't want to fight a tiny thing like you."

"Nor do I want to fight a behemoth like you." She bows. "My name is Zazel. I'm the Chaos Elemental, and I've been released by the Hero."

"A fellow Chaos Elemental, eh? Why-"

"I am the Chaos Elemental. By God's rules, I am technically your superior, but I find God's hierarchies and such to be rather revolting. Instead, I would like for you to think of me as..." She scrunches her face and scratches her chin. "Ah, yes," she snaps her fingers, "think of me as your big sister!"

"Big sister? But you're so small!"

Zazel's lips tighten, but she keeps her voice cordial. "Yes, well, you are so large that you make me look small by comparison."

Raelith thinks for a second, then nods.

Zazel clears her throat. "But we're getting off topic. Because of my position, I think you should believe in me and do as I say. So, I'm asking that you please,listen to my request. I will be very grateful if you do." She clasps her hands and bows again. "Please, will you let the Hero Release you, as I have been Released?"

Raelith blinks and looks back and forth from me to Zazel. "I don't like that idea. If the Hero Releases me, I will lose my power, and I won't be able to fight him as I do now."

Zazel shakes her head. "There's a war coming. A terrible organization known as the Liberation Society will come from the Hero's homeworld, Earth, to attack and take control of Astraea."

"The Liberation Society..." She looks down, deep in thought. "A war... With the entire world at stake..."

"That's right. It will be the biggest, bloodiest battle ever. I need your help to win the day and save Astraea. And to do that, we must fight together."

"But if I'm Released, I will be too weak to help."

Zazel shakes her head. "Not so. You will be weaker, yes, but with each Elemental the Hero Releases, you will gain more of your power back. And, as you know, you be able to leave your mountain and work alongside us. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that there is strength in numbers."

She nods. " So we will fight together, like an army? I've always dreamed of being in a real army, fighting alongside other warriors."

"Yes! Like an army! Exactly!"

She grins and nods enthusiastically, her red hair bouncing. "Then, I'll do it!" She turns to me. "Hero, you have my permission to perform the Release Ritual."

Zazel sighs in relief, then turns and walks to where I'm standing. "See? Easy. Now that's how you do things."

The musclebound Elemental starts to eye me. "It is a shame we'll no longer be able to fight as we did, but I can't wait to bleed by your side." She laughs wildly and hoists her huge ax into the air. "WE WILL SLASH AND BURN ASTRAEA'S ENEMIES TOGETHER! AHAHAHAHAAA!"

Zazel tentatively pumps her fists into the air, gives me a hurried look, and gestures at me to join in.

"Uh, yeah!" I pump my fists into the air. "We're gonna fuck em' up! We're gonna kick ass and take names!"

Zazel clears her throat and gestures to Sir Biscuit. "Come on, Sir Biscuit! You're a member of the team, aren't you?"

"Uh, yes! Quite right. We will do great violence upon those who threaten the order of our world! Yeah! Yeah!"

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE TOGETHER IN A GLORIOUS EXPLOSION OF FIRE, GORE, AND VISCERA!" She laughs and laughs. "AHHAHAHAHAHAH!"

The three of us stand and laugh and cheer, and try to keep our faces from cracking, while Raelith continues to cackle like a maniac.

"Well, that was certainly the most raucous Ritual of Release I've ever heard," says Zazel. A snarky little smile cracks across her face as Raelith and I emerge from the ruins of the keep. "Do even know what 'discreet' means?"

I shrug. "Discretion was never on the menu. You coulda guessed that, genius."

I look over to Raelith, who has a somewhat pitiful look on her face. She makes eye contact for second, and looks away.

"Yo, what's up? Your mood just did a one-eighty."

"Don't look at me! I'm- I'm weak!"

"Yeah, for now. You'll power up soon 'nuff." I pat her on the shoulder. "You're still the same size and everything. Trust me, if those Liberation pussies even get a glimpse of you, they'll shit their pants. Well, maybe not the bots."

"But I'm not the same! My strength, my power, it's all gone!"

"So, you'll get it back, just like Zazel said. You ain't got shit to worry about."

She frowns. "But-!"

"But nothing. I'm not the kind of guy who breaks his promises. I'll make sure you get your mojo back."

She looks up at me with that sad blue eye and softens a bit. "You are too merciful, Hero."

"But Mercy is my middle name."

Zazel scoffs.

I shoot her a look. "Hey, I was just-"

She rolls her eyes.

"Whatever. Anyway, let's pack up and hit the fuckin' road. We got places to be and-"

"First, there is quite another matter we must discuss, Hero." says Sir Biscuit, walking forward with determination in its pace.

"What?" I raise my eyebrow. "Since when do you-"

Sir Biscuit stops in his tracks and his huge golden armor begins to split and open up, revealing the the person inside: Althea.

"Althea? What the hell? Why were you hiding in there?"

Althea steps halfway out of the armor, and pauses to glance at Raelith before stepping out completely. She marches toward me with a glare that could punch through a steel wall.

Oh, fuck. What now? I'm too tired for another lecture.

"Yo, Althea, what gives with the-"

She blinks her war hammer into her hand and points it dead at my face. "Hero! You have violated the terms of our pact! You will answer for your offense!"