First Times

People fucked on the third date, and this was their fourth date. So it was gonna happen.

It was kind of a relief. Vic hadn't dated much, not since she came out. It was awkward and vulnerable and scary. But having sex with a guy was so straightforward. On a good day, she could go from "hey" to walk of shame in under forty minutes.

She had been at Andrew's place for over an hour now, and nothing had happened. Nothing sexual, at least. Andrew had offered her a beer, which she'd accepted without telling him it was her fifth of the night, then they just talked. Now Andrew was cooking dinner. For Andrew, that meant instant noodles.

"It's not, like, exciting work," Andrew said, "But sometimes I get in this flow, and before I know it six hours have passed."

"I'm the same!" Vic nodded, "I'll get a delivery, and I'll zone out for a second, and suddenly I'm across the bridge."

Andrew laughed, "That's nuts, dude. I'd be so dead if I had to bike that far."

Vic shrugged. Sometimes she thought being dead didn't seem so bad, but that wasn't really date talk. So instead she said, "How do you know you didn't screw anything up in the spreadsheet?"

Andrew sighed, "I go back and check manually."

"Oh noooo," Vic laughed.

The microwave dinged. Andrew took out the noodles and begin mixing in flavour sachets.

"At least I can check," he called back over his shoulder, "If you mess up on the road, you're rip."

"Yeah," Vic took another swig of her beer, "But if I get hit by a truck it's not gonna cost some company a million bucks."

Andrew turned to her, with a shit-eating grin on his face. Vic's chest felt tight, like she was about to get told off.

"Well, you look like a million bucks tonight," he said.

Vic grimaced, "It's the makeup."

She had gone a little heavy tonight, since she knew what this was. At least, she'd thought she knew what this was.

Andrew frowned, uncertain, "Yeah, uh... You don't have to do all that around me, you know? I know your deal."

Vic shrugged. She didn't wear makeup for guys, anyway. She wore it for herself. So that guys would like her.

"It's fine," she said.

"Okay," Andrew gestured hesitantly towards her face, "Are you... do you think you're ever gonna get, uh, face surgery?"

"It's expensive," Vic said flatly.

"Oh," Andrew said, "Medicare doesn't cover it?"

"No."

"That's BS," Andrew handed her a bowl of noodles, "So, what do you want to do while we eat?"

Vic didn't know why they were eating at all. The date had already been way longer than she expected. Part of her wanted to just tell him that. Put the pretence aside, do the only thing guys ever wanted her for, and move on. But instead she just shrugged again.

"Do you like anime?" said Andrew, "There's this movie I really wanna watch with you."

Vic frowned, "Anime..."

"You've never watched anime?" Andrew said.

"I tried in high school," said Vic, "But I'm not great with reading. I can't follow the words and the action."

"If you miss anything, I'll tell you what's going on," said Andrew.

"Oh, so you're supposed to be trustworthy?"

Andrew grinned, totally free of irony, "Yeah."

They sat on Andrew's couch and he dimmed the lights and pulled up the movie. His apartment was definitely furnished like a single guy's, Vic noticed. Huge TV, big comfy couch, almost zero decoration anywhere.

Andrew was kind of a loser, Vic realised. Sure, he was rich, but it was Friday night and he was sitting here in his empty apartment, eating instant noodles and watching anime. With her.

She looked up at Andrew and thought, come on. Let's get this over with. Fuck me and we can call it a night. She opened her mouth to say it, then Andrew turned to her and the words died on her lips.

He smiled, "What's up?"

Vic blushed — actually blushed — and said, "Nothing."

She turned back to the TV tried to focus on the movie, which was some story about a guy and a girl switching bodies. It was hard, though. She could hear Andrew eating, right next to her. She could feel him breathing, through the couch, and she was so uncomfortably aware of how close they were sitting. Close enough that he could reach out his arm and put it around her shoulders. 

She buried the thought, hating herself for having it. Of course he wasn't doing that, because that was something guys did to actual girls.

She shrank away from him and finished her noodles, then leaned forward to put the bowl on Andrew's coffee table. Behind her, Andrew's breath hitched. She stopped and looked over her shoulder

"What?"

"What?" said Andrew, "Uh. Nothing. Just... nah. All good."

His eyes flickered up to hers, and Vic realised he had been staring at her lower back. Her shirt had ridden up over her hips, leaving her exposed, and for a second Vic's blood ran cold. Did she have hair there? She had epilated a week ago, and nothing should have grown back by now, but she should have known better than to trust her disgusting fucking body.

Except Andrew didn't look disgusted, Vic realised. He looked... hungry. And not for noodles. He looked hungry like the other guys she had been with. Hungry, like if he had looked at her this way when she came in the door, the date would have gone way more like she was used to.

But just for a second though. Just a flash in his dark eyes, and then she could see him battle it, push it down, and smile at her, and say, "You look really good tonight, you know?"

Vic sat back up and looked at him, and she couldn't think of anything wittier than, "You reckon?"

"Yeah," said Andrew, "You look..."

He hesitated, and Vic screamed at herself internally not to expect him to finish with pretty, or beautiful.

"...you look really good," said Andrew.

Vic shrugged.

"So, do you like the movie?" Andrew said.

"Oh," Vic blushed, "I, um, kind of zoned out."

Andrew's jaw dropped, faux-shocked, "Really?"

"Yeah," Vic grinned, despite herself, "I have no idea what the fuck is going on."

Andrew laughed, and Vic giggled a little, and that hunger flashed in Andrew's eyes and he leaned towards her. Vic's heart skipped a beat, and maybe Andrew sensed it, because he stopped just an inch away from her face, silently questioning. Vic nodded, just barely, and Andrew took her in his arms and kissed her.

His lips were warm and soft, and she could taste the noodles on his hot breath. She kissed him back, slipping her tongue into his mouth, gently grazing along the edges of his teeth. She found that jagged canine, but it was pulled away as Andrew bit down softly on her lower lip. Vic whimpered and pulled him towards her, sliding down on her back.

Andrew leaned over her now, pressing her down against the couch cushions. He drew away and turned her chin. There was so much hidden strength in his slim, callused fingers. He held her there, her breath hot against his palm, and planted soft kisses against her neck. Vic gasped.

Andrew's knee slid between her thighs, pushing gently against her crotch. Pressure. Pleasure. Vic tightened her grip around his shoulders and turned her head back, begging to be kissed again, but he dived his head back down to her neck, denying her, making her whimper.

She could feel the pressure of Andrew's hard cock against her hip and her stomach twinged with the worry that he could feel her, too. But because of the drinks or her nerves or her hormones doing any kind of work for once, she stayed soft. She was relieved dimly, under the arcing lightning sensation of Andrew's sucking lips on her neck. The longer she stayed soft, the longer they could both pretend she was really a girl.

Andrew's other hand brushed along her side. His grasping fingers came to rest on her breast, and he squeezed softly, his thumb flicking lightly against her nipple. Vic moaned.

Then he stopped.

His hand moved away, and he stopped kissing her neck. The pressure against her crotch and her hip pulled back. Vic opened her eyes and saw Andrew staring at her. He looked... confused. Confused and almost angry.

"What?" Vic said. Self-preservation kicked in and she scrambled out from under him, "Something wrong?"

"No!" Andrew said hurriedly, "It's just..."

He looked at her for a moment, like he was trying to see something. Something that wasn't there. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"Sorry, dude," he said, "I just... I dunno. I don't think I'm, like, in the right headspace for this right now."

Vic's heart pounded, but she kept her voice level, "That's fine."

"Sorry," said Andrew, "It's not you, it's just—"

"It's fine," said Vic. She was already scooping up her bag and heading for the door.

"Vic—" Andrew started.

It took all her strength to not slam the door.

—

The last drop of soju hit Vic's lips, and she let her arm drop to her side. The bottle slipped from her fingers and clinked to the floor, joining the dozens of other empty bottles that littered the alley.

In her other hand, her thumb hovered over Andrew's name in her contacts. She stared at it, hollow, not sure whether to message him or block his number. Instead she just swiped it away and opened grindr.

Across the alleyway, a young straight couple were pressed against the wall together, sharing a bottle and giggling to themselves. Vic glanced at them for a moment, heart thudding dully in her throat, and then her phone buzzed.

She had a message. Not from grindr. From Andrew.

She almost tapped on the notification, but then her phone buzzed again. This time it was grindr.

It just said:

hey

She checked the guy's profile. No picture. No name. No bio.

Her blood boiled. She started typing furiously. 

are you seriously just going to message me "hey"?
that's meant to make up for the fact you don't have a fucking face or name?
or anything so i know you're not some fucking psycho?
that's fucking insulting
the fact that you think i'm so desperate that i would even respond to that
the only reason i am is cause i'm fucking pissed off right now
cause I'm having an incredibly shitty night
don't fucking do this shit again

She glared at the screen. After a moment, a message came back.

im sorry your having a shit nitewhat happened?

She frowned. She wasn't expecting that.

a guy i like doesnt want to be with me

No-name replied:

that really sucks. im sorry

Vic stared at the message for a while, then replied:

thanks
are you not mad i yelled at you before?

There was no response for a bit, and then the guy said:

no i understand. we all have things going on in our lives
and itsnot always clean to outsiders.
when someone is angry at me
i always try to see the thing in their life that is hurting them.
when you were angry at me i knew
you are not just spme evil girl seeking a fight
i knew that you have some pain inyour heart.
and you chose to share that to me so i understand
so how could di hold a gdrudge?

Vic read over the sloppily-typed message a few times. Slowly, the anger drained from her. So did some of the hurt. Not all of it, but some.

The couple across the alleyway were making kissing noises now. She typed:

do you want me to suck your dick?

The guy replied:

yes i would but i think tonite u just need some sleep

Vic sighed and closed the app.

The notification from Andrew was still there, waiting for her to read it.

But not tonight.

There was an abandoned City Bike lying on the ground, surrounded by piles of shattered bottles. She pulled it from the broken glass, set it right, and started shakily riding home.