ALL NOVEL Chapter 12: A Woman’s Resolve
Gwen
It was far too quiet. Bri had fallen asleep curled up against me, spent; I sat there brushing his hair idly as I tried to process everything that had happened. None of it felt real, it was all too much. I couldn’t shake the feeling of absolute helplessness that overcame me during the Tearathian attack. A part of me had assumed that Tellara was perfectly safe; that any danger would easily be handled.
The Tearathian put an end to that; I’d never make that mistake again.
It hadn’t even been the threat to my own life that had me on edge. It was the sight of Bri’s face contorted in terror and knowing there was nothing I could do. Forgotten feelings boiled within me. The time I’d spent apart from Brian had made me forget just how strong our friendship had been, how much I adored him before… things changed. I wish I could say it had been sudden, but that would have been a lie. We both became different people, as time marched on. For years, I had wondered why we had grown so far apart.
Now I knew; now I had my answer for what had happened: Brian’s goddamn family. Oh, I’d known they disliked me, but I never realized just how much they were hurting Bri, the whole time. Piece by piece, they’d torn apart the person I loved and replaced him with a numb, distant man that I didn’t recognize.
But did I do anything about it? Did I reach out to him, protect him, do anything at all to save the kind and caring Bri that I cherished so much?
Be honest with yourself, Gwen. You failed him and you’ve known that, you’ve always known that. Sure, Bri’s family is partly to blame for the distance, but aren’t you just as culpable for pulling away, for leaving him alone when he needed you most?
I bit my lip hard enough to draw blood, anger burning within me. There it was: the shame I’d been carrying for so long. Oh, I’d convinced myself that it wasn’t my fault, that people drift apart as they grow older. After all, we had remained friends all through college– well, we’d been friends until Bri had to drop out. And I didn’t even notice, too consumed with my own problems.
Look how well that turned out! I’d ignored the most important person in my life by burying myself in my transition struggles. Was being Gwen so necessary, so urgent, that it was alright to turn my back on Brian when he needed Lin?
No, that wasn’t it, was it? I could have told him about me, could have shared the truth of myself with him. I should have. Who better to tell? Instead, I’d let fear rule me, allowed myself to be helpless in the face of a daunting task. That’s why the Tearathian attack made me feel so horrid. Another failure in a long list.
Brian wasn’t the only one, either. I thought back to the friends who bravely stepped out of the closet, expecting me to have their back, to recognize our shared experiences. Every time, I’d chosen the coward’s path. Just a good ally, nothing more. Well, even that’s a lie. I was a horrible ally, all too ready to save my own skin. And it hadn’t been just friends, either.
Ms. Lavender had been there for me, for me and Bri, time and time again. I would never have found myself without her loving guidance. She’d been a mentor and an example to strive for. For years, my dream had been to become someone she would be proud of, to stand before her and tell her that I’d made it, that I was me! That all fell apart when she was fired. Someone had called attention to how close her and her roommate were, noticed the discoloration on her finger where a wedding ring would sit, declared her a moral contagion. Did I stand up for her, tell everyone how much she meant to me?
No.
I trembled with anger, so much anger. How long was I going to keep doing this? Was I just going to sit here and let it keep happening?
Or… was this a chance, an opportunity to change?
Tellara was more dangerous than I’d realized, but perhaps I was hasty in forgetting that Tellara also contained answers to those dangers. There was something I could do, if I dared.
I gently lifted Bri’s head from my lap and slid a pillow under him as I got up. His face grew troubled for a moment and he reached out in his sleep, a plaintive sound escaping his lips. My vision blurred as I located another pillow and placed it between his arms. He clutched it tightly as he relaxed and I breathed a sigh of relief, wiping the tears from my eyes. Bri deserved better from me and I was resolved to become what he needed.
I glanced down the hallway and set off towards the kitchen. I had some questions for our host.
****
Thalassa bent over and dipped a ladle into the pot of bubbling stew before em, portioning out a bit on to a small dish to taste. Ey licked eir lips as ey straightened before nodding and adding a dash of seasoning to the mix. I watched from the doorway before knocking gently.
“Come in, come in! Apologies on the wait, I thought I had more stew ready to go, but my other guests came back for seconds while I attended to the unexpected visitor outside,” ey continued to stir the pot without looking at me and I quietly walked in and leaned against the wall next to em. “Stews are wonderful, aren’t they? Very forgiving dishes; there’s something calming about watching one bubble away like that.”
“... Teach me.”
Thalassa stopped stirring and turned to look at me. I returned eir stare as the silence stretched between us, interrupted only by the quiet burbling of the stew.
After a long moment, ey looked down at the pot and back to me. “You… want me to teach you how to make stew? Sure, I suppose? It’s not a very difficult recipe, I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it…” Thalassa trailed away as I continued to stare.
I shook my head. “I want you to teach me how to be strong like you; Ellya and Nightshade couldn’t do anything against that creature, Chorus struggled to keep it at bay, but you? You frightened it. It ran because of your strength. I want that kind of strength, need that strength.”
“I see. Hmm, well, I am overdue for an apprentice… however, I do not yet know you, girl,” ey sized me up while rubbing eir chin.
“Please, I just–”
Thalassa interrupted me with a raised finger and I froze. Ey peered around and then grabbed a pair of nearby chairs. “Sit. Let’s get acquainted, you and I. If I’m to be your teacher, I want to know you, know why you want to learn. Speak to me, tell me of your need. Convince me of your interest in strength. Consider this your first lesson.”
I nodded and took a seat. Why I wanted to learn… it should have been a simple question to answer and yet… where to begin? Ah, there. “Why do I want to learn? My answer is twofold: firstly, ever since I was a child, I’ve been entranced by stories of magic. Escaping to another world, learning wondrous secrets, wielding mystical power… tales like those were a sanctuary for me growing up. Secondly, and related, I want strength. Back on Earth, all of my choices were constrained by my weakness,” my voice grew more heated and I took a deep breath to calm myself before continuing. “Do you know what it is like to find yourself at a young age and then spend year after year trapped; playing a part that had been forced on you and that caused you pain every moment you were forced to endure it?”
Thalassa raised an eyebrow at this, but nodded as ey listened patiently.
I looked down and clenched my fists. “It is true horror to be a prisoner in your own body; watching it warp and shift and having everyone around you praise each and every change that fills you with terror. But that wasn’t the worst of it. No, the worst thing was having to pretend I was fine. Plastering a smile on my face, nodding along, thanking people for the compliments they sent my way; every one of them a dagger stabbing into me,” glancing back up, I met Thalassa’s eyes. “I don’t know that I can truly convey what that was like or why it fuels me. All I can hope is that you understand me enough to feel like teaching me.”
There was a long silence after that as Thalassa watched me with an unreadable expression on eir face. The stew bubbled away pleasantly as I waited for em to say something, anything really. My hands were behind my back and I tapped my fingers nervously as the silence continued.
Finally, ey smiled gently. “I’m sorry you’ve had to endure that, and I think you’ll find that I’m far more familiar with your situation than you assume. Perhaps I’ll even tell you my story later, if your apprenticeship goes well–”
I interrupted, unable to keep the excitement from my voice. “So you’ll teach me?”
“Absolutely. Truth be told, the Magisterium has been urging me to take on students for some time now,” Thalassa chuckled before continuing in a mocking tone. “Oh Thalassa, you’re so skilled and talented. It is such a shame that you have yet to share that knowledge with a promising pupil. All your peers have taken on students, it’s really a shame that you’ve yet to do so. Now, we wouldn’t dream of forcing you to teach, but there are expectations for an Albedo…”
Ey sighed deeply before shooting me a look. “They’ve been nagging me for years. Everytime I made it clear I was waiting for the right student, everyone would take it as an invitation to press me for reasons why this student or that one wasn’t sufficient. Exhausting. You, on the other hand, you intrigue me. Teaching you will be a joy, I can tell.”
“I’ll do my best to not disappoint,” I hesitated, wondering if it was appropriate to ask questions already. “That term you used…Albedo? What does it mean?”
Thalassa smiled. “An excellent question! Here, stir this while I explain,” ey shifted to the side to allow me to move closer to the stew before taking a seat. I breathed deeply as I stirred, enjoying the comforting aroma of the food. “Albedo is both an alchemical term as well as a rank among alchemists. As you may have been told, Alchemy is an art that was pioneered by otherworlders from Earth like yourself. In the old ways, alchemy was focused on purification and distillation of elements. Nigredo, Albedo, Rubedo: the stages of purification as one approached perfection. As the Art developed on Tellara, the methods and practices changed, but many terms were retained and given new meaning. Tellaran Alchemy is about two principle concepts: Will and Language. To practice alchemy is to convince existence to change, to transmute into new forms and configurations. You must have the words to describe your desire and the willpower to impose your desire on the world around you,”
Thalassa paused, taking a spoon from the nearby wall and pouring a little stew into a dish to taste. “Needs something…ah, a dash of salt,” ey winked at me as eir eyes glowed softly and ey traced glowing symbols that hung in the air. The small circular array ey had made sank into the stew and flashed, illuminating the kitchen briefly. “I could have just used some salt, but why not show off a little?”
“So you used alchemy to adjust the level of salt in the dish?”
“Precisely. That’s something I can do very easily as an alchemist of the Albedo rank. A Nigredo alchemist would struggle to do the same with that level of control. You saw the array before it activated, yes?” I nodded along. “I used a very simple array to alter the stew. Because my Will has been trained and honed, I can use an array like that. If a Nigredo alchemist were to try the same, they would likely transmute the entire stew into salt. Intent and understanding of the world strengthens your alchemy and makes it easier to achieve the result you want,”
I pondered that while I stirred. “So, if a Nigredo wanted to alter the stew safely, they would… use a more complex array?”
“Yes! Very good, I’m pleased to see you pick this up so quickly!” Unused to such praise, I blushed and stared down at the stew. Ey continued on, seemingly oblivious to my reaction. “Words often have multiple meanings within a language and alchemical symbols are no exception. By using more symbols in an array, you can focus the message and make your Will clearer. The world, and its mana, will understand you better. Over time, as you converse with the world, you will find it easier to convey your intent with simpler statements, simpler arrays. If it helps, you can think of it like talking with a close friend versus an acquaintance. The better we understand each other, the less that needs to be outright stated,”
“I think I understand? But, you talk about the world as if it is aware, like a person. How can that be?”
“Ah, already you make teaching you more interesting. A Tellaran would have taken my statement for granted, but you have picked up on something vitally important: magic is alive. It may not think in the way that you or I do, but it is capable of understanding. It is the magic of the world that you are convincing with your alchemy when you perform your art,” Thalassa paused and tasted the stew once again before nodding in satisfaction. “Wonderful, I think this is done! Help me pour this into some bowls and we can go feed the waiting guests. We’ll continue your lessons later; in the meantime, I want you to think about what I’ve told you so far and see if you can come up with another good question for next time, alright?”
“I’ll do my best…Teacher Thalassa.”
Ey looked at me, tilted eir head, and then let out a boomed laugh. “My my, so formal! No need for titles, Gwen! Teacher Thalassa! Ha! It’s a good thing Ellya isn’t here, she’d never let me hear the end of it,” ey pulled some bowls from a nearby shelf and I carefully ladeled steaming stew into each. “Come, let’s not keep our guests waiting.”
My frustrations and rage from earlier were still there, boiling away deep within me, but I felt a momentary sense of peace as Thalassa and I made our way along. A part of me had been worried that ey would turn me away, but something about the tall enby put me at ease and made me feel…safe. It was a nice feeling.
****
While Thalassa went to fetch Ellya and Nightshade, I made my way back to Brian. He slumbered peacefully where I left him; his face serene in a way that it never was when he was awake. It felt wrong to disturb his rest. Still, I’d never hear the end of it if he found out he slept through dinner. Reach down, I brushed the hair from his face and gently nudged his shoulder.
“W-w-what? Mmmm, just…just a little bit longer, please,” his eyes remained shut and he rolled over, turning his back on me.
I chuckled and shook him a little harder. “Rise and shine, sleepyhead. There’s some tasty stew waiting for you.”
Grumbling, he sat up and stretched. His eyes remained shut as he yawned and rolled his shoulders. “I was having a very nice dream; you were there and we were doing…something? It’s hard to remember the details, just that it felt… nice,” Brian opened his eyes and blinked slowly to focus before looking directly at me. “Have you always been that pretty?” he mumbled quietly.
I blushed and looked away. “That’s–that’s nice of you to say, Bri–”
His eyes grew wide as the vestiges of sleep wore off in a flash. “Wait, I said that out loud?!”
“Hahaha, yes! Yes, you did!” I ruffled his hair and giggled. “Not even fully awake and already putting on the charm. Must have been a nice dream indeed.”
It was his turn to blush now and he buried his face in a pillow. “Aaargh, I have to be awake if I’m being this awkward…”
“It wasn’t awkward, it was sweet. Y’know, it’s rather gratifying to know you think I’m pretty even before you’ve had a chance to gather your wits. That tells me that you’re really trying to see me as I am and not as him.”
“Well…it’s important to you, so I wanna get it right.”
“And it’s appreciated! Now, c’mon, your food is going to get cold if you take too long.” I held out my hand and pulled him up. He stood up too quickly and lost his balance, falling forward until I caught him. Brian blushed as he realized he’d fallen against my chest and I couldn’t help but tease him a little. “My my, isn’t this a little forward? I didn’t know you had it in you!”
“S-shut up! I didn’t mean– that is, I just–” he stammered, pushing away and blushing. “Why do you have to tease me like that?”
“It’s fun! You get so flustered and out of sorts; it’s very endearing,”
Somehow that was the wrong answer. Brian glared at me and turned away, his shoulders stiff. “Whatever, let’s go,” he pulled his hood over his head and drew his arms into his sleeves, hugging himself tightly as he walked away from me.
“Brian…” I grabbed his shoulder gently, only for him to shrug me off and stomp away towards the nearby dining room. The contrast between his angry demeanor and the absurdity of putting up a tough front in leggings and a hoodie would have been enough to make me laugh if I wasn’t so concerned.
I followed him into the dining room and for a moment I set aside everything on my mind and gazed out towards the open sea. Thalassa’s home was massive, being shared by em and eir colleagues and guests. As ey had explained to me, it was useful to have homes like this outside of the Magisterium for graduates to work on research projects, provide services to the populace, and recuperate between Diver expeditions. That explanation did little to prepare me for the absolutely beautiful vista before me.
The dining room had a recessed area in the center, just as the main gathering room did. This one had a low table where bowls of stew sat steaming and filling the room with the wonderful aroma of home cooking. Savory and comforting. The opposing wall was transparent and extended to the ceiling to give an uninterrupted view of the ocean. Clumps of coral glowed softly in the muted light of the shallows while fronds of bright yellow kelp swayed in the gentle currents. Most of the wildlife had fled due to the monster’s rampage, but I forgot to breathe as a group of jellyfish floated gently past.
They were a soft pink color with a white starburst pattern adorning the top of the jellies. Trailing behind them were long, graceful tendrils that undulated with their gentle movements. The tendrils had bioluminescent purple tips that left trails of light in their wake. Each jelly was as large as Thalassa, larger than any I had ever seen back on Earth. The sight triggered a memory, a memory I had forgotten until just now.
When Brian and I were younger, shortly after the onset of puberty, we had a fight. The cause of the fight was lost to me now, something stupid and inane. Perhaps he had been right or maybe I had been, but it didn’t matter. We didn’t talk to each other for weeks. At the time, I thought we might never speak again. But Ms. Lavender was wise and she picked up on our little feud. She outsmarted us, inviting us to go on a trip that she was organizing for the library’s after-school program. I remember asking her if Brian was going to be there and she lied to me with a smirk, telling me that I didn’t have to worry about that. It was only once I got to the destination, the local aquarium, and saw his face that I realized I’d been tricked.
The memory of his shocked face was so vivid to me now. Surprise, anger, and then finally…shame; each expression mirrored on my face. We had both turned to Ms. Lavender only to find her pretending that she had no idea what she’d done and quickly distracting us by pointing to the jellyfish exhibit. It was my first time seeing jellies; I remember wondering what it would be like to float so softly as they did. For a long time, Brian and I watched them together, my hand reaching slowly out to clasp his, our quarrel forgotten. An old habit of ours, one that often got us into trouble with the other boys, but one that took us years to break. Looking back on it now, I realized that he’d stopped holding my hand after that fateful day. The one where he’d shown up to school smelling like smoke.
How much had we lost, Brian and I? How could I have let that happen? The guilt from earlier returned and churned in my gut. I took a deep breath, tearing my eyes away from the beautiful creatures outside and the bittersweet memories they reminded me of. I became aware of the rest of the room again, spotting Brian looking at the jellyfish. Was he reminiscing as well? He looked over at me for just a moment, eyes wide with wonder, before remembering that he was angry with me and shooting a glare my way.
I looked away and set about finding a place to sit. Normally, I’d try to sit close to Brian since it was comforting to have someone familiar next to me, but now… well, it was probably wise to give him a little space. I chose a seat on the other end of the table from him and waited patiently for the others to arrive.
It didn’t take long before the others joined us, Ellya holding up her formerly injured arm to show that it was fully healed without a single blemish. Thalassa looked at me and then Brian, frowning. “Were you two waiting for us to start?”
Brian and I both nodded.
“Oh, well, by all means, eat! Tonight is a night of celebration! No need to stand on ceremony, eat your fill!”
My stomach rumbled in response and I smiled sheepishly at Thalassa before turning my attention to the meal. The stew was a rich red gravy filled with all manner of seafood, some familiar and some strange. Joining it were a few slices of hearty bread, to soak up the gravy. I grabbed the provided utensil, a deep spoon perfect for dishes like this, and eagerly took my first bite. The familiar acidity of tomato coated my tongue as I chewed on soft hunks of fish and slow-cooked vegetables. There was an edge of spice to the stew, very strong at the start before giving way to a pleasant numbness. I eagerly took another bite, my eyes widening in surprise as I tasted something new that reminded me a little bit of seaweed.
The others around the table also dug in, murmuring sounds of appreciation as they did so. Ellya paused with a smile, turning towards Thalassa. “It’s been far too long since I’ve enjoyed your Bellusian Stew. I really should visit more often,” she paused, before sighing softly. “I’m sorry that it’s taken visitors from another world to bring me back. However, on that topic, I’d like to fill you in on the details of what brought us here.”
Thalassa set eir spoon down and gave Ellya eir full attention as she continued. “In all my digging, I’ve yet to find an account of a fluxbeast, especially a primal fluxbeast, behaving like the one we captured. As I mentioned in my report, its attack on Brian and Gwen is typical. Primal fluxbeasts seek out mana, absorb it, and continue to rampage until they are captured or destroyed. However, this creature has been docile ever since I captured it. It shows no drive to absorb more mana and its own aura lacks the chaotic characteristics of wild magic.”
“We’ve seen fluxbeasts behave like that before—” Thalassa began before Ellya cut em off.
“Twisted fluxbeasts, sure, but a Primal one?”
“Are you certain it is a primal one? In my time among the Divers, I’ve seen some Twisted that looked radically different from their base forms.”
Ellya looked over at Nightshade and he took over. “I examined the creature myself. Ellya may lack the field knowledge you possess, but I do not. During its time aboard my train, I compared it to my own personal experiences as well as every database I could access to see if anything came up. It is most certainly a Primal.”
Brian had been listening attentively and quietly cleared his throat. The others looked at him and nodded for him to speak. “S-s-sorry, I’m not sure I understand the significance. Why is it unusual for a Primal fluxbeast to behave like that?”
Thalassa grinned. “Because it goes against everything we currently know about Primals. With Twisted fluxbeasts, there is a creature or plant at its core that has been overwhelmed by wild magic. They share the drive to drain mana, but it’s not their default instinct. Primals are pure wild magic and there is no other imperative, nothing else that drives them. At least, so we thought,”
“That’s not…entirely true,” Nightshade coughed and murmured an apology before continuing. “I mentioned that I went through every database I could to ensure that this specific beast was a Primal, yes? Well, in doing so I stumbled across some very old accounts of something similar to our current situation. Second and third-hand stories collected well after the cataclysm that spoke of Primals that would attack with great ferocity only to stop suddenly and calmly retreat. Reports would speak of subsequent attacks that invariably lacked those specific beasts after the initial retreat.”
“So, something in the past made them behave this way…something that is happening again now?” Brian asked.
“Precisely. At first, I wondered if it had something to do with you two being otherworlders. However, that doesn’t quite match up. While the flow of otherworlders has slowed in recent memory, to the point that some believed no more would show until your arrival, there is still a long period of time between those cataclysm era accounts and now,” Nightshade paused and twirled a finger through his hair thoughtfully. “A period of time that has seen many arrivals from your world who ended up here on Tellara.”
Thalassa let out a low whistle. “I see why you wanted to bring this to my attention, Ellya. This is a fascinating development!”
“I’m hoping the Magisterium can come up with some ideas over what caused this and, more importantly, why now?”
“Why now indeed… well, you have my full support on this one, El,” Thalassa placed a comforting hand on Ellya’s shoulder. “Leave the Magisterium to me, I’ll convince them to look into this matter as quickly as possible.”
I leaned back, my bowl nearly empty, and spoke up. “Is there a chance they would ignore this? It sounds like this is a big deal!”
Nightshade chuckled. “Well, yes and no. It is true that this is nearly unprecedented, however; fluxbeasts are not considered a vital area of research at this time. In the past, they were incredibly dangerous and many early settlements following the collapse were overrun by fluxbeasts. As time passed and the survivors rallied, the threat has dwindled to something more of a nuisance. You remember Chorus, yes?”
“The one who defended us from the Tearathian?”
“Exactly. Every city in the Sharlatian Archipelago is guarded by an eidolon like Chorus and even many of the smaller settlements are protected by Diver Towers or Mage Halls. And anything that breaks past those kinds of defenses has to deal with powerful alchemic barriers that keep people safe,” he shrugged. “These days the only people with anything to truly fear from fluxbeasts are those who brave the wilds of the islands and the mysteries of the seas. It’s not that fluxbeasts aren’t a problem, but they are one that those at the Magisterium would consider solved. Uninteresting.”
“Of course they do, most of them have never even fought a fluxbeast. If they had, they would understand why this is important!” Thalassa snorted derisively. “I keep telling Benika that the Magisterium should require students to gain practical experience in the field.”
Nightshade tilted his head to the side in response. “You two are still at each other’s throats?”
“She keeps rejecting my proposals, citing that I have no experience as a teacher and that my time among the Divers has affected my judgment. Why, just last week–”
My stomach rumbled again as I mopped up the last remnants of the stew with a slice of bread and I shot an apologetic look at Thalassa for interrupting em.
“Help yourself to more, girl, there’s plenty to go around!” Ey turned back to Nightshade and resumed in a quieter tone as I got up and made my way to the kitchens.
I took my time, the walk giving me time to process everything. The corridor I walked through had viewing panels open to the sea similar to the dining room and I stared outwards as I thought. This business with the fluxbeast was too much for me to wrap my head around and yet… wasn’t this the kind of thing I’d been hoping for when I went through the portal? A mystery to be solved, one that involved Brian and I as vital pieces. And yet…was I ready for something like that?
We’d just arrived in the city after all; there was so much to see, so much to do! Hell, shouldn’t I focus on my transition first instead of getting wound up over the prospect of some adventure? Let the locals solve it; they knew more than I could possibly learn in the short time I’ve been here. Well, I should have thought of that before I pestered Thalassa into taking me on as a student. A little late to get cold feet now, silly girl.
Maybe I was thinking of this the wrong way. I thought back to that book I had skimmed through, the one on chimerism. That was an alchemic art, after all, and perhaps changing my body could go hand-in-hand with pursuing the fluxbeast mystery. I stopped and watched as the school of jellyfish from before floated past the hallway. Their graceful forms drifted slowly past as thoughts churned in my mind. I found myself smiling as I considered the future ahead of me. This is exactly what I wanted when I crossed the portal. Adventure and mystery and the freedom to reshape myself as I saw fit? Bring it on.
