Futile Love

Taking his frank description of her as ‘cute’ lightly, she smiled at him. Her detached smile made him to blush.

“When I hear about your happy days in the Hwa Kingdom, it looks like you like to go play outside.”

Recalling her memories, she was always absent-minded about playing with her brothers every day. She talked more about the backyard, fields and even the happenings outside the place in the Hwa Kingdom than she did about the library or the royal women’s quarters.

“To be honest with you, I was always scatterbrained and reckless back then.”

She stuck out the tip of her tongue. She opened her eyes wide and lowered her voice.

“Ooops! Do you think what I just said undermines my dignity as the Crown Princess?”

“Well, I think that doesn’t fit the dignity of the Crown Princess…” Lowering his upper body slightly like her, he lowered his voice. “You are safe as long as nobody knows it. Let me keep it to myself. ”

“Please promise me. His Majesty, Crown Prince, has sternly warned me that I should never stand in his way.”

She whispered seriously. She even put her small and thin fingers before her lips. When she talked, it looked like she was scared of her father’s scolding rather than her husband’s warning.

“Is that why you have come to this library when you don’t like books?”

“Yes, sort of. I mentioned a library to him because I want to curry favor with him. I also wanted to come here because I was reminded of my brother Prince Mingung when I smelled the musty odor of old books.”

She just mentioned Prince Mingung to Ruhae as an excuse, but Ruhae felt her act was cute. He wanted to make her laugh more. He thought for a moment how he could please her and hit on a good idea in no time. Though he met her only briefly, he could easily size her and her interests up.

” I sometimes take a walk around the back garden of the outer palace,” said Ruhae.

“Back garden of the outer palace?”

“Yes, that back garden where I escorted you to calm down your troubled mind on the day I first met you.”

“I see. I was really troubled on that day.”

She was very embarrassed when she recalled that she cried a lot and had a cramp in her legs because she was too tense when Ruhae came out to greet her.

When he saw her shy face, Ruhae smiled a gentle smile.

“If you are bored when you have free time, why don’t you visit the back garden of the outer palace?”

“I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it before.”

As he predicted, she was so happy, clapping her hands, when she heard about the back garden of the outer palace.

Thanks to her encounter with a good friend, Kyosul could go to sleep in a good mood for the first time since she came to the Mok Kingdom.

“Back garden of the outer palace…”

On the day she arrived in the Mok Kingdom, she recalled the back garden where she took a short stroll. Seeing her seized with a cramp in her legs because of her nervousness, Ruhae made a big fuss, thinking she was injured. She clearly remembered the moment she left the back garden wrapped in his arms.

“I wonder how I’ve forgotten all about it up to now.”

She mumbled in a mischievous voice.

“Tomorrow I’m going to go to the back garden of the outer palace.”

If I go there, can I meet my friend again?

She wondered if she could continue her strange association with him tomorrow. When she thought about the back garden of the outer palace, her heart trembled gently.

“Daddy! Mommy!”

Looking up at the ceiling, she conjured up the faces of her parents who were far away in the Hwa Kingdom.

“Brother Mungung! Brother Yojin! Brother Yulso! Brother Chom! Brother Hasok! Brother Chang! Brother Pyong! Brother Yemyong!”

She called the names of those she missed so much back in her motherland.

“How are you? I’m doing well too. I think I can get adjusted to my life here well.”

It was the same bed, but she felt pretty comfortable about the bed today.

She snuggled down under the bedclothes.

“It means you’re cute.”

When she closed her eyes, she heard his soft voice ringing around her ears. She kept thinking about his thin and tender lips. She grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it up to her eyes.

She wanted to hit the sack quickly, so she could greet the next day, but she couldn’t fall asleep because of her trembling heart.

***

The next day she also headed to Dongchon Palace early in the morning. Although there were no fixed rules on morning greetings, she promised one thing to herself as the Crown Princess. No matter how difficult or how frightening it was to see him, she would visit and say morning greetings to her husband Bipaan, the Crown Prince, without fail. He greeted her with the same expression he showed to her yesterday. Today, he had some doubts about her intention to visit him.

“You told me you would not disturb me, right?” he asked.

Listening again, she found his voice was too icy and stern. She freaked out and shrugged her shoulders. But she spoke out, though she hid her neck between her shoulders and her big eyes under her eyebrows.

“I told you clearly that I would not forget my duty as your wife.”

But her voice trembled like a young bird before a beast.

Bipaan cleared his throat as if he was dumbfounded.

“You…” He was about to say something but stopped. “No, that’s fine. If you really want it, just do what you want. I already told you I wouldn’t care.”

“Thanks. I’m going to see you at this time every day. ”

Despite his subtle approval, she smiled brightly. Calming down her trembling heart, she felt at ease. After offering him a short but heavy morning greeting, she hastened her light footsteps.

Her footsteps now were clearly different from those when she came to Dongchon Palace.

Her eyes were shining, and her cheeks flushed. While heading for the outer palace, she asked the court lady who was escorting her.

“Let’s go to the back garden of the outer palace.”

***

The court ladies babbled. But their gossiping didn’t reach her ears. With her eyes half-opened, she was counting the dust floating in the air.

When can this…

She rolled her dull eyes as if she were bored. She lamented, swallowing a deep sigh.

When am I going to be done with this annoying process?

The court ladies decorated her hair and dress skillfully, putting butterfly ornaments and accessories in her hair. Some of them used a lot of make-up, patting her face with powder and applying lipstick on the lips. She was already sick and tired of this meaningless process. Losing her temper, after all, she complained.

“I just don’t know how many times I put on makeup and get dressed per day.”

“Well, there are many in this imperial palace who are watching you.”

Her nanny soothed her. Even if she had no special schedule, she started prettying herself up every morning. At lunch and in the afternoon, she had to redo her dress and makeup.

“In particular, you never know when you are called for by the Crown Prince, so it is the virtue of the Crown Princess to be dressed and prepared properly.”

“But he has already told me that he would never look for me.”

“That’s right, but… ”

She was embarrassed by Kyosul’s straightforward reply. The court ladies who were busy prettying her up were surprised and signaled to each other with eyes. Her garment was simply too heavy compared to the dress she wore in the Hwa Kingdom, let alone clothes, jewelry and even the people she met.

No matter how pretty she was dressed up and put on makeup, Bipaan did not care about her. She visited the East Palace to see him every morning, but she only talked from beginning to end. He never made eye contact with her kindly, nor did he initiate any routine dialogue with her. He didn’t even smile at all at the type of joke that she took pains to crack on purpose.

By this time, she began to lose interest in him. Recently, she missed her motherland more strongly, and she became easily tired of everything. It was her first feeling of homesickness.

“Because I go to see him only in the morning for greetings, don’t you think you can pretty me up in the morning only and not repeat it? I think I can take off my decorations and wash off my makeup off.”

As she complained long, a senior court lady who helped them with adoring her said, “It is the court manners in this kingdom for you to adorn yourself all the time, Your Highness.”

“Why is this kind of uncomfortable courtesy the court manners? In my motherland, the typical clothing I had to put on usually was a comfortable skirt and jacket.”