GUN SALAD

Mimi emerged from her cabin with a yawn and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. After a full day of piloting and minding a rambunctious 9-year-old, it was really no surprise that she woke up feeling so groggy… But on today of all days–the date of her grand return to Trigger City–it was extra unappreciated.

After all, she was actually supposed to do things today! Important things! Socialize. Follow leads. And, ultimately, grift her way into the workshop of a fellow Gunsmith on the cheap. She had a little money left over from her apprenticeship overseas, but not nearly enough to book such a space at Trigger City rates. If she couldn’t sweet-talk her way into a discount, she’d be out of luck; she’d have to resort to the unthinkable–a course of action so unpleasant, so humiliating, that she could feel a headache coming on at the mere thought of it:

Begging her parents for money.

With a shudder, she mounted the steps and made for the deck. By now the midmorning sun had disappeared behind the Skywind’s balloon, shrouding the ship’s surface in shade. She had no doubt that Beretta would’ve been awake for hours already; the girl had been very vocal about her desire to see the sun rise on the skyline, and Mimi had been equally vocal in her insistence that she would most certainly not be joining her. Rising with the dawn just wasn’t her thing. Besides, how could she draw upon her considerable reserves of charm if she had bags under her eyes? It simply didn’t make any sense.

She yawned again and came to stand at the top of the stairs, her eyes scanning the darkened deck for some sign of her pint-sized partner. Beretta was nowhere to be seen, of course–that would be far too convenient–but she did hear something coming from the rear deck. The sound of… Slapping? And giggling?

…And was that a male voice?!

Mimi blanched and rushed up the stairs to the bridge. Sure enough, Beretta was there. She stood with her back to the navigation cabin, playing some weird children’s game with an even weirder man. He looked to be in his mid-20’s, with an angular face and a full head of unruly brown hair. He wore a long, red leather coat with its sleeves rolled up to the elbows, its front left unbuttoned to reveal a many-hued pant-and-vest ensemble that clashed egregiously enough to make her wince.

There was no doubt about it: this man was a predator if she’d ever seen one, and her love of a good night’s sleep had nearly given him the time he’d needed to lead her poor, defenseless charge astray.

“Hey! HEY!!” she bellowed, stomping over to them with her fists balled at her sides.

The man looked up from their game, smiling affably. “Oh! Hello!” he called back. His eyes widened at the sight of her, but instead of running, he hastily wet his palm and ran his fingers through his hair before extending that same hand in greeting. “Beautiful morning, isn’t it? My name is Luca Benelli, and I hope you won’t think me rude for saying so, but I’d never have expected that Miss Beretta’s guardian would be such an absolute vision of–”

She slapped his hand aside and started hitting him.

“Ow! Ow! OW!!” he cried, shrinking away from the ravages of her hands. “Sniffer! Help me…! Sic! Attack! Kill!”

His strange, hairy gun barked from its place in his holster, but Mimi was too full of adrenaline to care. “How dare you! She’s a child!” she screeched, slapping at his quailing form until he’d sunk to the deck and curled up in the fetal position. “I’ll drown you in the harbor, you absolute piece of shit! I’ll tie you up and drop you in the middle of Derringer Boulevard at rush hour!”

Mimi was vaguely aware of little hands tugging at her shirt, and Beretta’s repeated pleas for clemency, but it took her a good half-minute of wailing on the helpless stowaway to regain the presence of mind to heed them. By the time she finally did, the stranger’s gun was barking up a storm, and the man himself appeared to be playing dead. Only then did she withdraw from his prone form, puffing away as she sought to catch her breath. 

Another villain defeated, she thought with grim satisfaction. Thank goodness I got here before it was too late!

“Why did you do that?!” Beretta screamed, hurrying to the man’s side. “We were just having fun!”

“You don’t understand, Berry–it was all a ploy. This man is sick,” she assured her. “I did you a favor. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

The man rose shakily to his knees, then, coughing pitifully. “I think there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, here,” he groaned, “...But I’ll let it slide. Fortunately for all of us, being beaten into submission by a blonde goddess on the deck of an airship has long been a dream of mine…”

Mimi kicked him in the ribs.

“Stop!!” Beretta shrieked, throwing herself between him and the toe of Mimi’s boot. “He is nice, I promise! We have been playing games for hours, now–he even said he could help us when you woke up!”

“Help us?” Mimi echoed. “Help us how?”

“A-Allow… Hahhh… Hahhh…” Luca panted from his place on the ground. “Allow me to explain… Y-You see, I’m… Hahhh… A tracker for the GGE…”

Mimi’s eyebrows shot up at that. “The Grand Gun Exchange? You’re a tracker for the Grand Gun Exchange?!”

“No,” he replied with a wink, lifting one hand to furnish her with the feeblest thumbs-up she’d ever seen. “I’m the tracker for the Grand Gun Exchange–the very best in the business!”

Now it was Mimi’s turn to self-consciously smooth her hair. She knelt by his side and did her best to feign genuine concern, scooping his head right into her lap. “Oh! Oh, you poor man,” she gasped, “I’m afraid I completely misunderstood the situation! You see, this little angel here is the daughter of one of my dearest friends, and it’s my responsibility to protect her. When I came up on deck and saw a tall, well-muscled man looming over her, well, I must confess that I assumed the worst!”

She pouted, then, and clutched the man’s head tightly to her abdomen. “I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apologies, Mr. GGE tracker,” she breathed. “We’re all alone in a big, unfamiliar city, and I suppose the stress of it must have caused me to succumb to a kind of… Temporary hysteria. Can you ever forgive me?”

Beretta stood off to the side, regarding her flatly. “‘Unfamiliar?’ I thought you used to live here…”

Mimi glared at her pointedly. Meanwhile, Luca spoke up in a muffled voice from beneath her strategically-placed bosom:

“But of courphe,” he replied. “An honepht and totally underphtandable miphtake! No apologieph nephephary!”

“I’m so glad to hear it!” she gushed, straightening up with an exuberant clap of her hands. “Now that we’ve come to an understanding, perhaps you could tell us a little about what it is you do for the GGE? And while we’re at it, how long have you been working there? What’s the pay like? How much access do you have to its various facilities? How friendly are you with the upper management?”

“Haha, wow! You sure have a lot of oddly specific questions,” he observed, lifting himself up into a sitting position. “I like that in a woman! Basically, me and my good boy Sniffer, here, use our ability to track latent arcane energy to drum up business for the GGE. I’ve been working there since I was a kid, and the pay’s enough to keep me comfortable. I’m allowed everywhere and I know everyone–my only weakness, socially speaking, is that I don’t have a loving partner to share my heart with…”

“Yeah, yeah, nevermind that,” Mimi said with a wave of her hand. “When you say you can go ‘everywhere’, does that include the GGE’s onsite Gunsmithing workshops?”

Luca blinked at that. “Well, sure. I work closely with the Gunsmiths–locating potential users for their finished products is one of my major responsibilities.”

Mimi stood up abruptly and pulled the man to his feet. “Then you’re just the man I need,” she said with a smile. “I’m Mimi, the little girl is Beretta, and we’re coming with you back to the GGE.”

“Oh! You are? I mean, o-obviously I’d love to have you along,” he stammered, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck. “I just… I don’t know if that would be such a good idea. Only the main hall is really open to the public, and I might get in trouble with the bosses if I–”

Before he could finish, Mimi pressed a finger to his lips. “Shh, shh, shh~ Tell me, Luca… Do you want me to hold you like I did a second ago?”

He nodded his head.

“...And do you want me to start hitting you again?”

He shook his head.

“Great~” she chirped, lifting an immaculately manicured hand to ruffle his messy hair.

“Then let’s get going, shall we?”