Hard Luck Hermit

“How’s that working out for you?”

“It’s no cookie dough, but it’s alright,” Corey said. He liked a lot of what the universe had to offer, but he was still getting used to the flavor options out among the stars. The endless expanse of the stars had no direct analogues to ice cream flavors like chocolate or vanilla, much less other dietary staples like PB&J sandwiches, tomato sauce, or salmon. Corey was grateful he now had the money to experiment and find new flavors he enjoyed among the stars.

“Keep trying, you’ll find a flavor you like eventually,” Tooley said. “As long as it isn’t Kobel Creme Chunk.”

“No worries about that, not trying that one again,” Corey said. He had found a few flavors that he considered ‘okay’, but not that one. Tooley’s favorite ice cream tasted like metal, and had little chunks of chewy peanut-type things in it. Corey wondered if her tastebuds just processed it as something incredibly delicious, or if she just somehow enjoyed the taste of metal and nuts. Tooley wondered no such thing, and was just glad she’d never have to share ice cream with Corey. There was another couple at the ice cream shop eating out of the same bowl, and she hated that sappy shit. It was embarrassing enough she was actually in love with Corey, she didn’t need to be doing any twerpy romantic nonsense.

“You good, Tooley?”

“Why would I not be?”

“You look like you’re thinking about something,” Corey said.

“Just thinking about this rumor I heard,” Tooley said. “Council wants to boot up the exploration and Uplifting routine again, get a whole bunch of new galaxies and species into the fold. You think humans are going to get caught up in the wave?”

“Apparently they’re planning on it,” Corey said. “I heard the same thing at that Loben guy’s party.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

“Well, I heard it before the server lady got a gun held to her head,” Corey said. “That kind of dominated the rest of my night.”

“Oh, yeah, that’ll do it.”

Tooley ate another spoonful of ice cream. A few tables away, the lovey-dovey couple fed each other some ice cream, and then started giggling. Tooley contemplated if she could kill them with her spoon.

“You got any thoughts about that, Corvash?”

“Not really,” Corey said, trying his best to sound nonchalant. “I’ve got no problem with ninety percent of humanity. Just means Centerpoint is going to be a little more crowded.”

“And what if there’s a big crowd of dopey little human newbies who need someone to hold their hand on their big scary journey through space?” Tooley asked. “Because I’m sure as hell not babysitting another human, much less a whole horde.”

“You barely helped,” Corey said. “Doprel and Farsus did most of the explaining.”

“I taught you how to tell time,” Tooley said.

“After I bribed you.”

“You got a shiiv for me, that’s barely bribery,” Tooley said. “Come on, Corey, seriously. No big thoughts about humanity joining the stars?”

“No,” Corey lied. Tooley could tell. She grit her teeth, but decided not to push the issue.

“Not worried even a little, alright,” Tooley said. “What if I meet a bunch of other humans and find out you’re actually really ugly for your species?”

“I’ll tell you that right now: I’m not very good looking,” Corey said.

“I can tell.”

Tooley scraped her spoon against the bottom of the bowl to dig up the last of the ice cream. She glanced sideways and realized that the embarrassingly romantic couple had already left.

“So, on a related note, you know what else happens with this Uplifting stuff?”

“You know I don’t,” Corey said.

“I’m making conversation, Corvash, I hate monologuing,” Tooley said. “There’s this thing they have, the Outbound program. The guys who actually go out scouting the stars and looking for new galaxies, poking around for signs of new species to contact.”

“Makes sense, yeah,” Corey said. He’d figured there had to be some kind of scouting force involved. He started poking at his empty ice cream bowl with his spoon. “What about it?”

“Well, they want good pilots,” Tooley said. She lowered her head and her voice as she started to mumble. “I’m a good pilot.”

Corey let go of his spoon and sat up straight.

“You want to quit bounty hunting?”

“No, no, but it’s been like a year since we did any actual bounty hunting anyway,” Tooley said. “If Kamak doesn’t come back with a good job, the option is there.”

Corey kept staring at her over the rapidly-melting dregs of ice cream in both their bowls, which made Tooley even more self-conscious about her suggestion.

“Pay’s pretty good, and probably even better after we play the ‘saved the universe card’, it’s basically a five year leisure cruise of deep space, and unlike bounty hunting, it has a retirement plan,” Tooley said. “There are worse gigs. Especially ones where you get shot at a lot.”

At that point, Tooley’s self-consciousness evolved to the point she became hyper-aware of her own face and realized she had some ice cream on the corner of her mouth. She wiped it away and cleared her throat as Corey contemplated the enormity of a career change. He was still getting used to universal society -a society that humanity would soon be a part of.

“Let’s see what Kamak comes back with before we talk about quitting,” Corey said. “And, like, talk about it way more. That is not a one-conversation decision.”

“Obviously,” Tooley said. “Just putting it out there since your dumb ass doesn’t know anything about anything.”

“I know one thing.”

“And that is?”

Corey grabbed Tooley by the chin and pulled her close, and he leaned in as well. Tooley braced herself for an awkward kiss, but the only thing that met her lips was Corey’s thumb. He brushed a bit more dried ice cream off her lip.

“You missed a spot.”

“Fuck off, Corvash.”