Hard Luck Hermit

“There will soon be a festival in the Kotol region of the planet Mrakai,” Farsus said. “Millions venture from across the stars to dance in front of the Borealis lights.”

“Not a fan of dancing, but a party could be nice,” Tooley said.

“Hold on, this is a Farsus suggestion,” Corey said. “Farsus, does anyone die at this festival?”

“Not on purpose.”

“What’s that mean?”

“It means living beings are mortal, Doprel,” Farsus said. “I cannot guarantee no one will be murdered, or suffer an allergic reaction, or choke on a biki nut.”

“As long as there’s no ritual sacrifice or bloodsport involved,” Corey said.

“I could go for some bloodsport,” Tooley said. “Non-lethal, of course.”

The prospect of a vacation was taking almost as much planning and deliberation as being the target of a universe-spanning conspiracy. Their travel budget meant they could go almost anywhere in the known universe, and as one might guess, a massive universe came with a lot of interesting things to see. Corey had been pulling for the miles-wide Crystal Hollows of Manthis, until Farsus had told him about the Gallery of Limitless Wealth, the former palace of a tyrannical despot, carved entirely from gemstones. Then Tooley had mentioned being able to see the formation of a nascent solar system, and Doprel had referenced a planet with skyscraper-sized animals that fed on towering forests that spanned entire continents. He was tabbing through some more potential planets to visit on his datapad, and was overwhelmed by the sheer number.

“Man, I didn’t even see most of the cool shit on Earth,” Corey mumbled to himself. Part of him still kind of wanted to go see the Pyramids.

“Maybe we actually should retire,” Tooley said. “Spend the rest of our lives cruising cool stuff in the stars.”

“Hey, no work talk,” Doprel said. “Focus on vacations, plan for the future after.”

“This is hard,” Tooley said. “We need to write like a hundred options down and pick a destination out of a hat, or something.”

“We haven’t got any hats,” Doprel said. “Or paper, for that matter.”

“Can we get Kamak’s opinion?” Corey asked. “He’s great at telling us what to do.”

“He really does not want to be involved,” Doprel said. “I tried asking earlier. He got...Kamak-y.”

That said more than enough. Kamak was a permanently chafed man, but the prospect of going on vacation seemed to chafe him even moreso. He did not want to be part of planning for it in any way.

“Fuck him, this is my ship,” Tooley said. “Here’s what we’re going to do: everybody take some time and pick fifty places you want to go. Then we compare lists, and whatever places end up on all four of our lists, we pick from randomly. Sound good?”

“Not any dumber than what we’re already doing,” Corey said with a shrug. Farsus and Doprel agreed, and returned to their chambers to pick a potential destination.

Tooley’s proposed method had taken hours, but it was about to bear fruit. By overlapping their lists, the potential vacation candidates had been reduced to ten entries. Those entries had been entered into a datapad and were now being scoured over by a random selection program.

“And our winner is,” Tooley said, before taking a dramatic pause. “The Festival of Kites!”

She paused again for a reaction from the crowd, and did not get one.

“Don’t sound too excited, guys,” Tooley said.

“Did you want a round of applause?” Corey said. “It’s kites. I mean, I guess taking a glider out will be cool.”

“This was on your list, motherfucker!”

“I’m happy,” Corey said. “I’m just not getting excited about it until we actually go there. It’s fine.”

“It better be, because we’re not changing it,” Tooley said. She grabbed her datapad and connected the ships intercom before screaming into it. “Hey, Kamak, get out here.”

The door to Kamak’s chambers slammed open immediately, and he made a rude gesture at Tooley, who chuckled. He had often abused the Hard Luck Hermit’s comms to torment her, and now that Tooley was in control of their ship, she was returning the favor.

“What is it?”

“We’re going to a planet called E e e,” Tooley said. Corey had been baffled by the name at first, which was apparently pronounced kind of like a weird chuckle.

“Okay then, let’s go, why the fuck would I care?”

“You’ve been a bounty hunter a long time, fucker, I wanted to make sure you hadn’t pissed off some gang lord or killed someone there,” Tooley said.

“I have never been to that chucklefuck planet, much less killed anyone there,” Kamak said. “Why are we going there on vacation?”

“They are about to experience a regional phenomenon of incredibly powerful winds, which the locals celebrate with a festival of kites, gliders, balloon, and other aerial festivities.”

“Hmm. They have beer at these festivities?”

“Planetary brewers have set up multiple bars and tasting events.”

“Alright then, let’s fucking go,” Kamak said, as he took his seat and buckled in. Tooley rolled her eyes and started flying.