ALL NOVEL Sam and Gandalf
-Dumbledore’s POV-
I sat in my office, curious about how the year will go. Ruminating about when I could send Harriet to Poppy. Clearly, she would need a healer's touch with how her relatives treated her. While doing this, a cat patronus flew in. “A break-in in the Gryfindor first-year women's dorm. I have already alerted the other heads of house.”
Close to an hour later, Severus Snape swooped into my office like the bat that many students described him as with a concerned look. “Clearly, the Dark Lord decided to send a tactical genius. There is no other possibility for someone to infiltrate Hogwarts.”
“Well, clearly, the task is not impossible. They have clearly been able to do it, although how still eludes me.”
“I still doubt they could have snuck in without inside help. The dark lord and his followers are many, and it is possible they snuck a tool to let this infiltrator in with their children's luggage.” Snape said as Filius and Pomona walked in. After several minutes, Minerva walked in with a spare letter.
“I think we forgot a student,” Minerva spoke with a hushed tone.
“Who? You are usually vigilant in making sure every letter is sent.”
“Because this one was written yesterday,” Minerva said as she passed the letter to me. Looking it over, I grew concerned.
“Samuel Brown, London Police Station 8 Cell 4. Strange, do you think he might still be there?”
“It is possible, but I think it is best to focus on our infiltrator,” Severus said as an 11-year-old was floated in.
“This is the pervert who snuck into the girl's dorm.” Percy Weasley said as he lowered the young boy into a chair.
“Thank you, prefect Percy; you may leave.” McGonigal dismissed the boy while Professor Sprout cast revenerate on the stunned boy.
“Good morning, sweetie, where am I?” The boy asked in a groggy to no one in particular. The letter in my hand was fluttering rapidly as if it wanted to pursue someone. Letting go, it flew into the boy’s face, impacting like a damp rag. The force is enough to tip the chair backward.
“Well, that settles the missing student.”
“Ouch, the fuck was that for.”
“Language, young man,” McGonigal said admonishingly.
“English!” He shouted in frustration, “Now why the fuck did you throw a letter addressed to me in my face. Is this how you invite all of your students, Gandalf the pimp?”
“Well, young man, I am not a pimp; I am the headmaster,” I replied with a small chuckle; it was the first time someone had used Gandalf to describe me. “Although in the upcoming ComicCon, do you think I should go in White or Grey?”
“Have you died yet?” The boy responded, Mcgonigal was gaping in shock from the young boy's words; while Snape tried to hide his mirth, Sprout and Flitwick were both snickering at the response.
“Grey it is then. Now, onto more pressing concerns, Mr. Brown, how did you get into Hogwarts?”
“Well, I followed a group of redheads who were complaining about muggings, I think? Anyway, I followed them through a brick wall halfway down the terminal, boarded a train, hid in a cardboard box, got stunned, and made it here.”
“So you followed the Weasleys onto platform 9 and 3/4s.”
“It is halfway down the platform; it is so misleading.” Mr. Brown rebuked with some heat.
“As I was saying, you made your way to a hidden platform, boarded the train, aroused no suspicion from the stewardess or the prefects, hid in a cardboard box, and ended up in the Gryffindor first-year dormitories. Interesting, did no one check if you had a ticket?”
“Sorry, I left it in my bag of holding.” Mr. Brown said not realizing the door opening and letting in Miss Potter.
“You don’t have a bag of holding,” Harriet said with a tone that hinted at this not being the first time they had this conversation. Her outfit being a robe over her sleeping wear.
“Yet, I don’t have one yet.” Mr. Brown said with a shrug before turning around. “The hell, why are you here?”
“Because I have to take responsibility for the wild animal I let in.”
“I am not a coyote, I am a mutt, thank you very much.” Mr. Brown said as she slapped him in the back of the head. “Ow. She is abusing me.”
“That is lady shin kicker to you.” Leaving McGonigal shocked at their behavior and foaming at the mouth. Snape was pale and using a bookshelf to hold himself up. Flitwick was holding in further laughter, and Sprout was tittering in her chair.
“I can safely assume you know him, Miss Potter; that makes things simple.” I said with mirth, “Do you think you can escort him to the Gryffindor common room? We will have a sorting at breakfast.”
“So you are not punishing us for smuggling someone into Hogwarts?”
“I think it is better that you did. I would rather not have started a search for a student in a London Police station. Now, Mr. Brown, I wish to welcome you to the most magical place on Earth.”
“Second, most magical.”
“Ah, right, I forgot about The House of Mouse.”
“Yup, that eldritch place of pure spite and lawyers.”
“I am not familiar with that side of Disney, but I will take your word. Now, off to bed; you have a big morning tomorrow. We also have to get you your school supplies.” I said, dismissing Mr. Brown and Miss Potter.
“I worry for the house that has to host him,” McGonigal said with a sigh after the two left my office.
“Does she know?” Severus asked me with a worried voice.
“No, I plan on watching this play out.”
-Sams POV-
“So, is Sam Brown your actual name?”
“Yes. That is my birth name, at least as far as my birth certificate says.”
“And you being arrested by London Police?”
“Trust me, it is a strange story.”
“Strange, like a boy having knowledge that no muggle should, sneaking into what is considered one of the safest places in England and getting away with only a slap on the wrist.”
“Well, I am a time traveler from the future.”
“I am calling your bluff.”
“No, no, it is true. I came to stop World War Three, starting with the queen being assassinated.” I said as Cosmos studied my face.
“That is the most unbelievable thing you have said so far.”
“That is my story, and I am sticking to it,” I replied to Cosmos with a shit-eating grin.
“I will get the truth out of you, even if I have to force you.”
“You can try,” I said as we encountered my greatest enemy… stairs.
“Hmm. Well, we will have to traverse the stairs. I hope you can do so; my Uncle said that there are no stairs but escalators everywhere.”
“Oh, sunnova bitch.” I said as I started walking up the stairs, only for them to shift to the floor just below us. “This is a goddamn death trap,” I said as the stairs shifted into a slide complete with polish.
“I don’t think Hogwarts likes you,” Cosmos said at the top of the stairs.
“Ya, think!” I said as I got up and tried to walk up the stairs after they reverted back to stairs.
“I know, I have yet to see the stairs form into ramps. Follow me. You walked to the wrong stairwell.”
“Oh, of course, Lady Shin-kicker of Hogwarts,” I said with enough sarcasm to fill a swimming pool. Eventually, after going up a few stairs, with some missteps, or as I called them, ‘shifting priorities.’
“Password?” came the fat woman in a painting.
“Caput Draconis.”
“Crapshoot Draconis?” I asked, a little confused, not fully hearing what Cosmos said.
“Accepted.” The woman said as the painting swung open to reveal a red and gold living room.
“This is a nice place. It is a bit gaudy, personally, but comfortable.”
“Well, it is my common room. I will see if the Prefects will get you a bed.”
“Nah, I will take the couch.” I said as I lay down on the couch, “Do you have any melatonin?”
“Nope,” Cosmos said, popping the P.
“Shit, guess I have to do it the hard way,” I said, closing my eyes and listening to the crackle of the fire. Soon, I saw the familiar orb of power, and I felt something enter the void.
“It is surprising to see this kind of core again. The last time one had entered these halls, Merlin attended as a prank.” A disembodied feminine voice said everywhere and nowhere.
“What do you mean?” I asked but got no answer. “Oi, THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN!”
“If you don’t know, then I will not tell you.” the voice said as their presence faded.
“The fuck is going on?” I said as a light penetrated the void.
“Sam, Saam, Sammy, Samuel, Son Of a bitch.” Cosmos said, standing over me and pulling me off the couch as well.
“Gah!” I shouted in a manly way, punching something on the way down.
“AHHH! My eye!” a young girl cried when I looked at them. It was actually a red-haired boy.
“That”
“Little”
“Brother”
“Is what happens when you sit close to a strange man.” Spoke twin red-heads who were speaking intermittently, changing who was speaking but keeping the sentence going uninterrupted.
“If you two did more, then he would not have been assaulted.” Came a fourth red-head.
“Oh,”
“Shut,”
“Up,”
“Percy,”
“He will learn better from this than if we told him not to stay too close.”
“To be fair, did anyone predict he would punch randomly?” Cosmos said with a small grin.
“The fuck was that for? Why didn’t you get a cup of coffee if you wanted to wake me up.”
“Hogwarts does not have coffee; we do have tea,” Nevil said as he leaned over the back of my couch.
“Sup Nevil, sorry about the train, but it was getting too noisy.”
“I know, Harriet explained last night.”
“Oh, wait, no coffee?” I asked, a look of horror spreading on my face.
“Coffee is bad for your health,” Hermione said admonishingly.
“And I have ADHD, so unless you want me to be distracted by every shiny object, then I will need a cup… What time is it?” I asked with mounting horror.
“6:21 AM, so you have some time.” Hermione tried to say, but I was booking it out of the common room. As soon as I hit the stairs, they turned into ramps again sending me sliding uncontrollably down.
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! NOT AGAAAIIIN!”
-Harriet POV-
“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Not Again!”
“That is the second time the stairs turned to slides,” I said with a whistle of appreciation.
“Wha, what just happened?” Hermione asked, stuttering all the while.
“That is Hogwarts either pranking him, or helping him.”
“Hogwarts is not sentient,” Hermione said with a huff, “Now I need to get my books for classes today.” She said, tripping over a brick that shot up from the floor.
“Yes, totally not alive,” I said with sarcasm, stepping out of the room and walking down the normal stairs. Hopefully, they have something more than pumpkin juice. I would not mind hot chocolate or milk.
-Sam POV-
Going down the rollercoaster of stairhood was honestly fucking terrifying. For some reason, my brain is going to Futurama and the absurd slides in robot hell. Oh, hey, some students in blue robes, WALL. Bouncing off and going down another set of stair ramps and onto a landing skidding to a halt just in front of the old Scottish Witch.
“Well, I must say, Mr. Brown, this is the first time I’ve seen the stairs send a student down like a ramp.”
“Gee, it's almost like they turned into a series of ramps when I walked on them.”
“That flippant tone will not go well if you keep it up.”
“Well, at this point, I am half convinced this is an LSD trip, and all of this is a dream. It's too real and too fantastical.”
“Well, Mr. Brown, I am certain this is not a trick of the mind. Now get up, I will give you the orphan lecture to prepare yourself for Hogwarts and the Wizarding world.”
“Aye sir.” I moan from the floor as I stood up, I felt a bruise form on my left side. The Scottish woman giving me stink eye.
“Well follow me, and we will go over a few things until Breakfast time.” McGonigal said as she dragged me through a large feist hall and into an antechamber. She was then going over how prestigious of a School Hogwarts is, and how I should be lucky to study here; I think. It turned to blah blah blah 5 words in.
After about an hour of lecturing me about traditions and nobility that as an american, did not last longer than 3 seconds in my memory. Thankfully she grabbed a stool and a stereotypical wizards hat, and gestured for me to follow her.
“Now we have one late student who was not here for the feist last night. Let us welcome Samuel Brown.” Gandalf the plaid said as I entered the room. I was being led to the front of the room where the catty scottswoman placed the stool and hat.
“Now Mr. Brown sit down so I can place the sorting hat on your head.” McGonigal said. After a second on consideration I just followed along.
“That is an interesting song choice.” came a grouching voice in my mind. “No I am not going to send you to the house of registered sex offenders. Why would you want to go there.”
“Umm is the hat supposed to do this?” I asked outloud, pointing to my head.
“We have accounted for all of your crimes, and for each one Hogwarts has decided on an agonizing, and ironic punishment.” The hat said outload getting a shocked look on literally everyone. “Gentlemen.” At this point some instruments fell from the ceiling and started playing themselves.
“Aw crap, singing. Mind if I smoke?” I ask outloud snapping my fingers creating a small flame.
“Cigars are evil; you won't miss 'em
We'll find ways to simulate that smell
What a sorry fella! Rolled up and smoked like a panatella,
here on level one of Wizard Hell!”
The confusion throughout the room was far more noticeable. But the table behind me had some snickering going on. Well except for the Green woman next to me, to shocked to do anything. Then a pokertable dropped in front of me.
“Gambling's wrong and so is cheating;
so is forging phony I.O.U.s”
“I had wondered where my poker table went.” came a small voice behind me.
“Let's let Lady Luck decide what type of torture's justified;
I'm pit boss here on level two!
Ooh, deep-fried Warlock!” the hat finished as some oil bubbled around me turning my clothes into the hogwarts uniform.
“Just tell me why?” I asked gesturing to the clothes.
“Please read this 55 page warrant.” As a large folder fell into my lap.
“There must be people worse than I?”
“We checked around there really aren’t.”
“Then please let me explain, my crimes were merely boyish pranks.”
“You stole from boyscouts, nuns, and banks.” The hat retorted.
“Don’t blame me, blame my upbringing?” I ask trying to steal a stick in a holster from McGonigal. She found out and slapped me.
“Please stop sinning while I am singing.” The hat deadpanned while Mcgonigal holstered her stick again.
“Selling bootleg tapes is wrong;
musicians need that income to survive.”
Three suits of armor from the side chamber, one carrying a gramophone.
“Hey, Brown, gonna make some noise
with your cassette scrambled by the Beastie Boys!
That's what-cha, what-cha, what-cha get on level five!”
One of the suits was scratching the record to produce the right sound. Soon two of the ghosts started orbiting me. One all grey and the other covered in blood.
“I don’t feel well.” came a bloody looking ghost.
“Its up to us to rescue him.”
“Maybe he likes it here in hell.”
“Its us who tempted him to sin.”
“Maybe he is back at hogsmead.”
“Come on, Baron, don't be scared!
I'm sure at least one of us will be spared,
so just sit back; enjoy the ride.”
“My ass has blisters from the slide?”
“Fencing diamonds, breeding basilisks, publishing indecent magazines…
You'll pay for every crime, knee-deep in magic slime!
You'll suffer 'till the end of time, enduring tortures; most of
which rhyme
Trapped forever here in Wizard Hell!”
The hat finished his song, most of the school being in stages of shock and fear. Some were laughing to themselves, or on the floor, gasping for air.
“Dè am fuck a bha si!” McGonigal screamed next to me
“Language! You are a teacher, not a stereotype.” I chastise getting a dark glare from the woman. The stare off was interrupted by an applause behind me.
“Well done, that was the best introductory song I have heard in my entire tenure at Hogwarts. But I must ask, did you decide on a house?” The chief mage of the school asked.
“Its a tossup, Slytherin or Gryffindor. Flip a damn coin.”
“Tails.” came a Teacher in her twenties that I would have pursued if I was at my original age.
“Gryffindor!” the hat shouted getting a lackluster applause aside from twin redheads, and Cosmos, surprisingly also Nevil. I figured it would be longer before he puts himself out there, oh wait, there it is. Nevil stopped clapping after realizing he is one of 4 people clapping.
“10 points to Gryffindor, for that wonderful performance.”
“10 points from Gryffindor, for breaking tradition that I spent the last hour going over.”
“Oh, that is what you were talking about. Talk about breaking all expectations in Hogwarts.” I said as I joined Cosmos at her table, she was sitting near the twins I saw this mornimg. “So, is that how ya’ll were introduced to the school?”
“No, as usual, you are the ugly duckling of the first years.”
“Ouch, who pissed in your coffee?”
“Its tea.”
“So leaf water instead of bean juice.” I responded receiving a heel against my poor toes in retaliation.
“So, was the reincarnation joke a truth?”
“Long or short answer?”
“Short.”
“I have no idea.” I responded, spying some chipped beef, gravy, and toast. Grabbing the toast and mixing a bowl of chipped beef and gravy and slapping that on the toast.
“What are you making?” Cosmos asked next to me.
“Shit on a Shingle, Slop on a Slate, Save our Shit. It’s SOS.” I responded looking for a pot of coffee. Not seeing one I grumble out, “Whose balls am I fondling for a cup o’ joe.”
“Gred.”
“Yes Forge?”
“Is this first year?”
“I think he is my handsome Brother.”
“This firsty is full of potential.” Two redheads spoke in perfect twinspeak.
“Potential for what.” another redhead asked in an accusatory tone.
“World Domination my good man.”
“Soon we will have thousands of Galleons”
“and never have to work another day in our lives.”
“Why only a thousand, when we could have… Millions.” I responded with my pinky in my mouth.
“Oh merlin’s beard, another moron has joined the two.” The other redhead moaned out. Doing something, not that I saw. I was looking for something to drink that had some caffeine in it.
“Ohh a Dr. Pepper.” I speak out grabbing a can and opening it, casing a mass jumping in surprise.
“Mr. Brown what was that!” McGonigal asked with a shout.
“Its a can of Dr. Pepper; why, am I in trouble?”
“Where did you even get some pop?” a kid in front of me asked.
“It was on the table? Where else would I get it, I am just amazed that its cold.” I responded as the can was ripped from my hands and started overflowing over McGonigal's hand. “Rude, oh hey there is another one.” I spoke popping this one open for all to hear.
“Mr. Brown!” She shouted as the second can was ripped out of my hand. The same overflow thing happening to her other hand. I spied a coke bottle and grabbed that instead.
“You are right teach, Coke is better with Shit on a Shingle.” I respond bringing the bottlecap to the edge of the table and slamming my fist on it, popping the cap off the bottle.
“Language!”
“English!” I retorted taking a sip of the refreshing cocaine derivative. McGonigal looked apocalyptic, but passed out a series of forms to the students; mine being deposited in my face.
“Gorge, he is the chosen one.”
“The one to break the unbreakable.”
“To shatter the impossible.”
“Nothing is impossible my slightly less intelligent, yet handsome brother, only improbable.”
“We shall teach him the ways.”
“The ways of the Marauder.”
“Anyone know what the twins are saying?” I asked somewhat confused.
“Ignore them, otherwise you will be an accomplice for their troublemaking.” The chief redhead responded dismissively.
“So, they are the fun brothers. So Cosmos, how much am I missing?” I asked as the food vanished.
“You only have the robes, so everything. Especially a wand, its a school requirement.”
“Great, who will be taking me to get school supplies then?” I asked out loud.
“Hagrid was the one who took me for my supplies, but considering some facts obvious to me, not you.” Cosmos trails off looking behind me. A look of slight shock on her face.
“Its Elminster isn’t it.”
“A new nickname I presume?” Dumbledor asked behind me.
“What, me giving you a nickname, perrish the thought.” I spoke with thick sarcasm, eliciting a chuckle out of the old man.
“Well let us be off then, if you don’t mind me asking you questions.”
“Tit for tat, You ask one question, and I ask you one.” I said getting up and following the old man.
“I do believe that is more than fair.” He said, leading me out of the great hall.