Harry Potter: S*x Oriented Hogwarts

Harry eventually showed up with Lockhart and proceeded to hide himself behind all of Lockhart's books, "You could've fried an egg on your face," Ron said with a smirk, "You better hope Colin doesn't meet Ginny, or they'll start a Harry Potter fan club."

"Shut up," Harry said through gritted teeth.

"Pretty sure Ginny might start a fan club for you too, Lucifer," he said while laughing.

"Why would she do that?!" Hermione asked him, somehow able to tear her face away from burning the book in Lucifer's hands.

"Well, ever since he helped her out on the platform about... she's become a little... obsessed, not Harry Potter obsessed, but she wouldn't shut up about him either, for some reason," Ron replied, trying to forget Ginny's mutterings out of his head.

Because Lucifer was looking at Ron, he missed the vexed look on Hermione's face.

The students all sat down, Harry, Ron, Lucifer and Hermione all at the back of the classroom to be as far away from the teacher as possible.

She didn't trust him to kill a fly without causing injury to himself or someone else.

When everyone had finally been seated, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and silence befell the whole class.

He reached forward and grabbed Neville's copy of Travels with Trolls, and held it up to show his own winking portrait on the cover, "Me," he said, pointing at it and winking as well.

Hermione's head swung towards the desk again but Lucifer placed his hand in the way.

"Gilderoy Lockhart. Order of Merlin, Third Class; Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League; and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award, but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her."

“You'd probably make her scream,” Hermione muttered, Lucifer had to hide behind his books so Lockhart didn't see him laughing.

But, it turned out the whole class was just giving him dead-panned looks, making Lucifer's chuckle echoed.

Hermione, now almost put her head in her arms.

Lockhart recovered pretty quickly, though, "I see you've all bought a complete set of my books - well done!"

“I even regret buying those 2..." She was definitely on a rapid fire mode, today.

"I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about - just to check how well you've read them, how much you've taken in." He quickly handed out the test papers and returned to the front of the class, "You have Thirty minutes, starting... now!"

Hermione flipped the paper and read the first three questions.

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favourite colour?

2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

Hermione now really couldn't believe it, was this the whole test? She checked the back to find out.

54. When is Gilderoy Lockhart's birthday, and what would his ideal gift be?

She decided....this was stupid immediately and went through the test, putting down dumb answers to all of them.

1. Lavender/Brown

2. To actually be famous.

3. Making the wizard community believe that he did all these heroic things.

54. March 15, a signed photo of Harry Potter.

And with that done, Hermione signed her name at the top of the page.

Twenty five minutes later, Lockhart collected the tests in, and read through all quickly.

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Lucifer also grabbed his paper and got a good look at the questions:

1. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?

Piss Green

2. What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

To have sex with a troll

3. What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

He had probably say his birth

4. When is Gilderoy Lockhart 's birthday?

Friday the 13th

On and on the paper went, Lucifer already knew what kind of man Lockhart really was.

He was a self-centered, self-absorbed, piece of garbage that only cared about himself and his image.

That's why his books focus so much on him and not the title, because he loves the limelight.

But, it did give him a nice laugh, very complicated.

______________

"Tut tut, hardly any of you remembered that my favourite colour is lilac." He froze and looked over at Lavender Brown and gave a roguish wink, making Hermione vomit inside her body. "I said so in Year with the Yeti. And a few of you need to read Wanderings with Werewolves more carefully - I clearly state in chapter twelve that my ideal birthday gift would be harmony between all magic and non-magic peoples-though I wouldn't say no to a large bottle of Ogdeds Old Firewhisky!"

He gave them another roguish wink.

Ron and Harry were now also staring at Lockhart with an expression of disbelief on their face; Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas, who were sitting in front, were shaking with laughter.

“Sadly,” But Lockhart continued again, “It would appear as if no one got full marks, I'm disappointed,” he spoke as if he was joking, but there seemed to be some truth to his words.

It caused Lucifer to nudge Hermione.

“I knew all of those,” he whispered.

“And?” she replied vaguely.

“If I did then so do you!”

“What's your point, Lucifer?”

“Why is he saying no one got everything right?”

“I'm not answering 54 questions to feed our teacher's vanity!” Hermione hissed back, her eyes meeting Lucifer's, thinking now he would understand how pathetic Lockhart really is.

H flipped the paper over again, It must've been Hermione's this time, because his face went from glee, to irked, "So, you have a problem with my books, Miss Granger?"

"The only problem I have, Professor Lockhart," She says, getting the attention of the whole class, "is how useless that quiz was. This is a Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, shouldn't you be focusing on something other than yourself?"

"I think how I conduct my class is none of your concern," Lockhart said with a sneer.

"I think teaching us Defensive Spells over your whole life story is a more pressing concern!” Hermione argued back.

"I think Ten Points from Gryffindor will suffice," he turned and walked back towards his desk.

Hermione was about to stand up and draw her wand on the Professor, but Lucifer gripped her arm forcefully when she was halfway out of her chair.

It didn't hurt, but she could definitely feel his tightened hand on her forearm.

She struggled against him, but in the end decided it wasn't worth jeopardizing her place at Hogwarts.

"Now! Be warned!" He said, pulling up a cage from beneath his desk and setting it on the surface, acting as though the last minute never happened, "It's my job to arm you against the foulest creatures known to Wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your worst fears in this room. Know that no harm can befall you whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm."

Lockhart placed a hand on the cover of the cage, "I must ask you not to scream for it might... provoke them," and yanked it off to reveal, "Freshly caught Cornish Pixies!”

“Oh dear God,” came Hermione's voice as Seamus burst out laughing, that even Lockhart couldn't mistake for a scream of terror.

"Yes?" He asked, smiling at Seamus.

"Well they're not - they're not very dangerous, are they?" Seamus choked, trying to not laugh so hard.

"Don't be so sure!" Lockhart said, wagging a finger annoyingly at Seamus, "Devilish Tricky little Blighters they can be!"

The Pixies were an Electric Blue color and about eight inches in height, with pointed faces and voices so shrill, it was like listening to the Ewoks from Endor when Hermione had watched Return of the Jedi for her Tenth Birthday.

She always hated the noise they made. And these Pixies, the moment Lockhart had removed the cover, they had started jabbering and rocketing around, rattling the bars and making bizarre faces at the people nearest them.

“Still believe it won't be that bad?” Hermione asked, giving Lucifer a look from above, marking her victory, but he decided to concentrate more in front.

It made her grin even wider.

"Right then," Lockhart said loudly, "let's see what you make of them!" He yelled and then opened the cage.

It was complete anarchy. The Pixies shot out and in every direction imaginable like bottle rockets.

Two of them seized Neville by the ears and hoisted him into the air.

Several shot straight through the window, showering the back row of students with broken glass.

The rest proceeded to wreak havoc upon the classroom, with the grace of a rampaging rhino that had stepped on a thumbtack.

They grabbed ink bottles and sprayed the class with them, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the walls, up-ended the waste basket, grabbed bags and books and threw them out of the smashed windows; within literal minutes, half the class was sheltering under desks, most of the other half had ran out of the classroom, Neville was swinging from the iron chandelier, and Lucifer was still seated with his arms crossed as a Pixie pulled on his hair.

He was trying very hard to not lose his temper.

"Come on now - round them up, round them up, they're only Pixies!" Lockhart shouted again.

He rolled up his sleeves, brandished his wand, and bellowed, "Peskipiksi Persternomi!"

It had absolutely no effect; one of the pixies seized his wand and threw it out of the window, too.

Lockhart gulped and ran from the classroom, narrowly avoiding being squashed by Neville, who fell a second later as the chandelier gave way.

The bell rang and there was a mad rush toward the exit.

"Can you believe him?" roared Ron as one of the remaining pixies bit him painfully on the ear.

“Not even able to cast that simple spell!" Hermione raged at having an incompetent teacher.

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