ALL NOVEL chapter 87
87: Interest in Life
Day by day, I forget about the tension.
It’s a scheme, a conspiracy, no, this itself is an attack from the “enemies” — that’s what I keep desperately warning myself in the deepest part of my heart. However, it seems that the spirit of the “humanity” in this reincarnation destination is prone to relaxation when it’s not exposed to crisis for a long time, and my warnings have become meaningless.
We got married.
And it felt like the speed of life accelerated by one step. The first year after our marriage passed without any incidents, and now we’re approaching the end of the second year.
I and Milim had grown accustomed to our work and our lives.
We still didn’t bring our work into our home life, so we didn’t know much about what each other was doing.
We didn’t ask each other about it either.
“We have no interest in what each other is doing in places unknown to us.”
…If we were to express it like that, Martin or someone would tease us, saying, “Are you already growing apart as a couple?” But that’s not the case.
Neither I nor Milim interpret the phrase “having no interest” in a negative way.
Because when I diligently research something, there is a sense of crisis.
When I was conducting detailed investigations about university, and when I was enthusiastically researching about my profession, I felt anxiety and fear in my heart.
“I know because it’s terrifying.”
That is what “having interest” meant to me. “Interest” was an expression of distrust.
That’s why we never pry into what each other is doing when we’re not together, which is undoubtedly a manifestation of trust. It could also be seen as a manifestation of confidence that our partner is doing something in our absence, and even if something “happens” in our home as a result, we would be able to handle it.
That’s why one day, when Milim said, “I have something to discuss,” I didn’t feel much of a sense of crisis.
“I think it’s about time.”
Milim has a habit of speaking without specifying the subject.
Even so, I could somewhat understand her intentions. But today, it was too sudden, and I had no idea at all.
We are creatures who judge things not by words but by context. Milim’s subject-less proposal usually had some context.
But today, I didn’t understand.
I asked, “What about?”
“A child.”
Ah, yes, a child. A child, huh.
I knew it. I was prepared.
…A child!?
“It’s about time I take maternity leave, and it won’t affect my job. Now would be a good time.”
I see.
I crossed my arms and pondered.
A child. Maternity leave. Well, society has come to understand childbirth and child-rearing to a considerable extent.
The fact that the system of having nurseries take care of infants and toddlers is firmly established is evidence of that.
So, I think it’s reasonable to assume that even if Milim takes maternity leave, she won’t lose her position at the company.
But what I’m concerned about is something else entirely. It’s the anxiety I have towards “having a child” itself.
Children consume money. Children consume time. Children eat away at your heart.
I have a positive view of children.
We used to discuss children and, somehow, reached a consensus without explicitly stating it, that “one day, we should have children.”
However, when that “one day” turned into “now,” my heart became filled with various anxieties, fears, and even curiosity.
I tend to procrastinate and wish I could just let things be and die as they are…
But this is a matter that cannot be postponed. Despite all living beings, not just humans, being genetically programmed for “reproduction,” it doesn’t mean that they can give birth or raise children at any age.
I am already in my late twenties.
Until now, I have been “growing,” but from now on, I have to prepare myself for “decline.”
Taking into account the decline and the physical strength required to raise a powerful being like a child while working, there is no choice but to decide now whether to have a child or not…
Why isn’t the design of human beings such that they can raise children during their leisurely retirement period…? There are too many things to do when young and energetic. This is a design flaw of an all-knowing but incompetent existence.
Every situation was pressing me to “decide.”
Decision-making is a stressful act. That’s why I want to live without making decisions as much as possible…
However, on the other hand, there have been many cases in life where decision-making cannot be avoided.
…Ah, yes. What I should consider is “life.” When it’s time to make a decision, it involves one’s life. In that case, I should make decisions for the sake of my own life. There is nothing more important than that.
I recall various information I have gathered throughout my life.
In my mind, a slideshow of everything from my birth until now played out like a film.
…Ah, I know. My only purpose is to “live to the fullest.” I don’t have the talent or luck to take detours.
That’s what I think.
That’s what I think, but…
Yes, even as I think that,
I have made a decision.
“Certainly, it is a good time for us to have a child. Let’s do it.”
The first words Millim spoke were my name.
I remembered that feeling of excitement. I wanted Millim to experience that excitement too.
I naturally understand that “excitement” is not something that can sustain a person in life.
I know from experience that one can live longer and smarter by discarding emotions, using others, and acting based solely on rationality.
No matter how much I regret and think, “If only I could do that, I would have lived longer”—
It seems that I am well aware that I cannot do that.
A person cannot change their innate personality.
Therefore, I believe that I should live long with the personality I was born with.
Millim nods.