ALL NOVEL chapter 91
91: Smoke
However, Karina said, “Wait.”
I wondered what it could be. She said to me, tilting her head in curiosity, “My parfait hasn’t arrived yet, so please stay there until I finish eating.”
“It’s embarrassing to eat a parfait alone,” she said.
I shrugged my shoulders and decided to wait for her meal.
Grandfather, who had shown signs of settling in the hospital, became seriously ill and passed away soon after.
I had researched that when someone dies, there are many administrative tasks that need to be done, but the actual work turned out to be more complicated than I had anticipated.
With my mother’s help, I went to my maternal grandparents’ house and dealt with various administrative tasks. By the time all the arrangements for the funeral were finalized, it was already the beginning of March.
Between tasks, there were minutes of free time, and during those times, I would think about whether I could attend the graduation ceremony of the class I was in charge of as a homeroom teacher, and that Milim’s baby would be born soon.
Even though we were right in the middle of my grandfather’s funeral, he had already become a “person of the past” in my mind.
I filled out the necessary documents and made the necessary contacts in a calm and methodical manner, and as time passed, the funeral arrangements progressed.
Some relatives, who had not done any of the cumbersome administrative work, were crying loudly, and I watched them out of the corner of my eye, feeling a sense of emptiness.
After the funeral went smoothly, there were various discussions among the relatives.
The main topic was how to handle my grandmother, who would be left alone at home. It temporarily became a source of contention because my grandmother didn’t want to leave the house. However, my grandmother herself was still healthy enough, so it settled down to “let’s increase the frequency of visits.”
When I finished everything that needed to be done, the sadness finally overwhelmed my heart.
It wasn’t an intense emotion.
I looked at my grandfather’s room. He, who always sat there reading the newspaper, was no longer there. He would never sit in that chair again, nor would he make toys for us with his natural dexterity.
However, as I looked at the chair my grandfather loved, I couldn’t help but think that he would sit there and read the newspaper at night. And then I denied that thought, thinking that eventually I would get used to the “chair without my grandfather,” and that made me strangely lonely.
Around here, there is a belief in “smoke” that is revered.
It is said that when people die, they turn into smoke and dissolve into the world. Those who have lived in this world become a part of this world.
It’s not reincarnation, but rather staying in this world and becoming a force that moves this world.
I also wished to become like that. Not a new life, but to become a part of this world, drifting in this world, becoming one with this world.
My grandfather must have become like that.
…Ah, I understand. It’s not logical at all. However, religion gives these seemingly reasonable explanations to overwhelming grief. With explanations, one can somewhat accept it. It seemed not only me but all of humanity was made that way.
The next day, on the night when we were supposed to return home, in the bedroom given to me and Milim, we talked.
It may not be considered a “conversation.” I just spoke to Milim, reminiscing about my grandfather’s memories.
Within that, I remembered something.
In my childhood, I had a strong admiration for cubes. I still do.
A “cube” is a perfect shape. No matter how you place it, it usually remains stable. I liked things that were stable.
At that time, when my vocabulary was still limited, it seems I passionately spoke to my grandfather about the greatness of a cube. Frankly, I don’t remember it at all.
When someone tells you a story from your forgotten childhood, there’s a certain discomfort and unease.
However, the stories I heard from my mother and father – the ones that prove I passionately spoke to my grandfather about cubes in my childhood – have a physical item to validate them.
It was a wooden cube.
While sorting through my grandfather’s belongings, I found this item. Indeed, it had been smoothed for use by a toddler, and there were several bite marks on it.
If it were appraised, it would likely be identified as my childhood bite marks.
Now, it rested in the palm of my hand, crafted from soft wood.
…I can’t seem to grasp the significance of it at all.
Feeling embarrassed for rambling on with my aimless thoughts, I said, “I think I’ll name my child ‘Cube’ when they’re born.”
“You should stop that.”
Of course, it was a joke, but I was scolded with a serious tone, and I felt ashamed. I’m sorry.
Anyway, I should start thinking about my child’s name soon.
That’s right. I have a lot to do.
Tomorrow will come sooner than this jumbled mess of emotions – a mix of confusion, sadness, and loneliness – can be resolved.
When I get home, I need to clean up and prepare a gift to take back to the school I’ve been absent from.
If possible, I’d like to take my time at my student’s graduation ceremony, so I can’t afford to relax.
There’s hardly any time in life to spend in this inexplicable mood.
I can’t overcome this sadness and loneliness, yet tomorrow will still come.
“Living is tough, isn’t it?” I said.
Millim nodded.
“Living a long life is admirable.”
That’s right.
…My grandfather passed away before reaching ninety.
From my perspective, it’s hard to say he lived to a ripe old age. If it were me, I’d be due for reincarnation.
Still, I believe he lived his life properly.
So – ah, yes. That’s why I’ve finally found the words to say to the departed.
“Grandpa, well done.”
I whispered to the person who continued to face “tomorrow,” overcoming countless ‘inexplicable feelings.’
If, as believed, the deceased become smoke and become part of the world…
Surely this voice would reach them.