Her True Form

“It’s not much, but it’ll do,” Gervas said with a light chuckle, motioning ahead. “I bet you can’t wait to get out of that saddle.”

“Nothing would bring me more pleasure,” she said with a light groan, shifting in the saddle and trying to ignore her saddle sores. Their pace had been slow but steady, often stopping at different towns and holdings, begging shelter and sustenance for the night. Her position as a mage, fortunately, meant they were often almost giddy to offer it, merely asking for minor favors in return.

She had begun to adapt to her time in the saddle, but her body still felt achy and sore after each ride. While her magic could work to relieve some of the pain, it couldn’t entirely remove it and the very next day, they would be off again to add new sores to her body.

It didn’t help that before the sun set each day, he would take her aside and once again train her how to defend herself. He’d since expanded her training to include ‘using the terrain to her advantage’. She did particularly enjoy that one. Once she discovered she could use anything as a weapon, she’d taken him by surprise by throwing a bucket at his head. The thought brought a small smile to her lips.

More importantly, he had been keeping his word. He hadn’t called her Tebaud or ‘corrected’ anyone who’d called her a woman. There had been a few who had mistaken her for a boy, but she had quickly corrected them and, if nothing else, her status as a mage had stopped them from pressing the issue.

In the end, despite the soreness and aches she went to bed with each night, she had slept better than she ever had before. The town ahead was far larger than any of the ones they had visited so far, just shy of being a city, built alongside a river that flowed out from the forest. Multiple dirt roads entered the town from all sides. Only a little further out, at the very top of a hill, stood a great walled off structure overlooking the town. However, more beautiful than the town itself was what she could see far off in the distance. A volcano towering high into the heavens.

The Vault of Mirrored Dreams. The birthplace of magic.

It would be days before they arrived, and she had no idea how long until she’d be able to enact her plan. But her goal was in sight. There were no more towns or keeps after this, at most a few waypoints, if even those. Despite how sore she felt, a part of her wanted to run through the night and not stop until they made it to the vault.

A futile gesture that would only draw questioning eyes to her due to her rush and, even if it did look so close, it would take her days to get there. She reminded herself she had to be patient. She was almost there. She gave the occasional nod when she passed the citizens of the small town on the street, though they barely looked at her or gave her a small nod as greeting. She imagined that, unlike many of the towns they had passed on the way, this town probably had dozens of mage come through it a year. On top of that, she imagined that some of the mages from the vault came down from time to time to render aid as needed.

“Should we go to the inn or the keep?” she asked, glancing back at him.

“Keep. They are the lord of this domain, after all.”

She gave a nod and, slowly, tugged gently on the reins to guide the horse through the town and up to the walled off structure. Her body screamed out in objection to even more riding added on to what they already had done, but she tuned it out. “Just a little bit more...” she whispered.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

When that last, merciful step was taken and she pulled lightly on the reins for her horse to stop, she took a moment to calm herself. Taking a few slow, steady breaths, she began to dismount, pulling her right leg out of the stirrup and swinging it behind the horse before pulling her left foot out and dropping to the ground. She had to hold onto the saddle to avoid falling to her knees, but she’d managed it. “O-ow...” she whispered.

“You’re getting a lot better,” Gervas said before he swung both feet out and slid down in a single, fluid motion. She couldn’t help but feel annoyed at how easy he made it look, even with the heavy armor of his.

“I’ve gotten enough practice, I’d hope I’d be better at it by now,” she said firmly, before walking to the main gate. Before she got close enough, however, a smaller door in the main gate swung open.

A young, clean shaven man in a simple tunic and stockings stepped. “Young journeyman mage, her Ladyship Isouda, welcomes you and your retainer to her manor,” he said before giving a polite bow. “Please come inside, I will tend to your horses.”

“Just watch them for the moment,” Gervas told the man. “We’ll be returning to town shortly for some supplies.” He then walked inside, motioning for Yvette to follow him.

Yvette nodded, following him inside. To her surprise, while the surrounding wall was stone, a towering wooden manor rested inside. The front courtyard had a small, stone path leading from the main gate to the entrance of the manor. A beautiful fountain stood in the middle of the courtyard, the path splitting around it. Surrounding the path was the most exquisite and breathtaking garden she’d ever seen, flowers and trees in different shades of red, pink and blue. “T-this is… is beautiful...” she said, stopping a few feet inside. Even the interior walls had been decorated, with creeping vines snaking their way up the stone, with red flowers to add to the beauty.

“I am thankful you think so,” a voice said, drawing her gaze.

Yvette stared and her mouth fell open. As beautiful as the garden was, the lady walking towards them was even more. She wore a golden dress that seemed to flow around her like water, glimmering in the sunlight as if it was made of dusted jewels. Her hair cascaded down to her shoulders, flowing brown locks that seemed to bounce and flow with every step. Her eyes sparkled nearly as much as her dress.

“A pleasure to meet with you, young journeyman,” she said, stepping forward. When she moved, she didn’t so much walk as seem to flow, each step careful, precise and graceful. Yvette just stared for a few moments, her mouth dry. She felt a light pain in her heart. Jealousy. This was the kind of woman she wished she could be. Every movement filled with a powerful radiance. “I am Lady Isouda, welcome to my humble family home.”

“It’s… beautiful,” Yvette managed to choke out, staring at her. “The garden is breathtaking.”

“Of course. This garden has been maintained for the last three generations of my family, ever since my grandmother inherited what was once a decrepit keep.” She stopped in front of Yvette, gazing down at her with eyes that seemed to pierce through the young mage. “My family has always taken great pride in surrounding ourselves with only the most breathtaking and exotic things.” She motioned towards the right. “I’m sure you would be honored to gaze upon our silver lotus, it is one of the few remaining specimens in the world.”

“A… a silver lotus?” Yvette asked, her eyes widening.

“Indeed. I’m sure you can appreciate how...” She stopped, staring at Yvette. She looked her up and down, making the mage take a small step back. “You are not from the vault, are you? No. I’d recognize you. A shame, we haven’t had a visitor from there in weeks. Wait one moment...”

“Uhhhh...”

“Are you a boy?” Isouda asked.

“W-w-what? N-no! I’m Yvette, I’m a girl! I--”

“Oh my! You ARE a boy! Your robes did have me confused for a moment. But that voice alone. How absolutely eccentric!”

“I’m a girl!” Yvette said, her face burning. The envy quickly began to shift to anger and hurt at those words. “W-what’s wrong with my voice? I-I work really hard on it!” She noticed Gervas tense up out of the corner of her eye, though he didn’t say anything.

“Oh, of course you do,” the woman said with another laugh, covering up her mouth with a hand. “How strange! A boy pretending to be a girl! Or is that a spell?”

Yvette stared at the woman, her fists clenched so tightly the nails were digging into her palm, her jealousy gone. “It’s not a spell! I am a girl! I’m not a boy!”

“Well, you’re either a pretty enough boy or certainly the ugliest girl I’ve ever seen,” she said with another laugh. “How absolutely--”

“Enough!” Gervas yelled, making both women recoil. He stepped between the two and turned his gaze on Isouda. “We appreciate your hospitality but we will not be partaking of it this evening. Or ever.”

Isouda’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you speak to me like that, servant. I was speaking to your--”

“We will not be staying,” he said, his voice cold as ice. “We have no need for the hospitality of a woman with such failing sight that she can’t see the girl standing inches from her. Nor do we have any desire to associate with any creature so foul as to mock a well respected mage.” He leaned in and, despite almost whispering the words, the courtyard had gone so quiet and his voice held such power that they couldn’t help but hear them. “And we will make sure to spread the word of your hospitality, my lady.” He then turned and grabbed Yvette’s hand, dragging her out the way they had come.

“W-wait!” Isouda yelled, racing after them. “I--” Her words were cut off when Gervas grabbed the door and slammed it shut in her face.

“G-Gervas… I...” Yvette said, her mind a swirl of thoughts and emotions.

“We’re going to the inn.” He turned his eyes towards their mounts and the stunned servant holding their reins.

“I--”

“We’re going to the inn. Now.”

She nodded numbly, letting him help her into the saddle and lead her back to the town. He only stopped a moment when he found a place he found satisfactory, helping her off the horse this time before pulling her inside. Before she knew it, she found herself walking into a small, but comfortable room with a pair of beds. It was only then that Gervas stopped and glanced back at her. “Yvette, are you okay?”

She stared at him. She could barely think. Finally, she said the only thing that come to mind. “What’s wrong with my voice? Am I… am I really that ugly?” she whispered.

“Your voice is fine,” Gervas said, shaking his head. “It’s a little deeper but it’s hardly noticeable. And you are not. You’re just different. She had no right to talk to you like that and I’d put everything she said out of your head. She was--”

His words were cut off when Yvette stepped forward and hugged him around the chest. She couldn’t stop it any more. All of the emotions rose up like a hurricane and her tears began to fall like rain.

“Hey! Don’t cry! It’s okay. She was just… trying to… it’s okay. Just please stop crying.” he muttered, nervously reaching up and patting her on the head. “She’s not worth getting sad over.”

“I-I’m not… I’m not sad.” she whispered. It was a lie, she knew. A small part of her was sad, hurt and angry at the woman. However, there was one emotion that she couldn’t deny. “I’m happy.”

“Why would you be happy?”

“No one has ever s-stood up for me like that,” she whispered, not even minding that the links of his chainmail dug into her face. “N-no one has ever defended me a-and and said they were wrong. S-said I was… I was… that I was a girl and… and… I just… I… I’m sorry. I just...”

The tears blinded her but, after a few moments she felt his arms wrap around her. “It’s okay...” he whispered. “It’s okay. You’re a girl. Okay? She was just a terrible person. Trust me. I’ve seen her kind before. All smiles and pleasant when they think you can help them. But every word a viper ready to strike and make you bleed. If it hadn’t been for that, she would have found something else. She was just looking for some way to hurt and manipulate you.”

“Really?” she asked, her voice soft and pleading.

“Really. She probably didn’t even think you were a boy. She probably was looking for some way to attack you and get under your guard. It’s okay.”

“T-thank you,” she whispered, shivering when she felt his hand begin to gently stroke through her hair. “I’m… I’m sorry we didn’t get to stay… there tonight. I...”

“No. It’s not your fault. I swear. It’s not your fault. Okay?”

“Okay,” she mumbled, shaking her head. She still felt guilt flowing through her. She’d seen him turn over coin for this room, coin he wouldn’t have had to spend if she’d just accepted it and moved on. “I’m sorry. If I was just… if I was just normal and not--”

“That doesn’t matter,” he said, before reaching down and gripping her shoulders. He pushed her off him, holding her away from him. “Look me in the eye.”

“I… I just--”

“Look me in the eye. Now.”

She raised her eyes, blinking blearily a few times to try and clear the tears. She stared up at him. “Y-yes?”

“This is not your fault. You’re not hurting anyone. You just want to be a-- you just are a girl. If she can’t see that, that’s her fault. Not yours. And so what if you’re not normal? You are what you are. No one has any right to force you to be something you’re not. It affects nobody but you. Understand?”

She stared up at him, fresh tears building up in her eyes. “Really?” she asked.

“Really. Now. Say it’s not your fault.”

“But--”

“Say it.”

She gulped and then, softly, she closed her eyes. “It’s… not my fault.”

“Louder.”

“It’s not my fault.”

“Good.” He let her shoulders go and she stumbled back, barely catching herself. “We’re leaving tomorrow. We’re not likely to get a bath today, so you’ll need to use your spell.”

“Okay...” she whispered, staring up at him still. “I can use it on you, too, if you like. Since it’s my fault we’re stuck here.”

He nodded. “I’d appreciate that. Thank you. But just worry about yourself for now. I’m going to go get us something to eat.”

She nodded numbly, watching him walk out the door. Once she was alone, she slowly sat on the bed and began to cast her spell, not focusing while she cleansed the tears, sweat and dust from the day’s ordeals from her body and clothes. Once she finished, she collapsed on the bed and stared up at the roof.

“Hello, my name is Yvette,” she whispered, lifting a hand up to her throat. “My name is Yvette. I am Lady Yvette. I am a… a...” she choked on the words, lowering her eyes. “I am Lady Yvette.” She thought she had figured it out. It had taken a lot of practice, but she’d had the advantage of being able to transform into a full girl and try to simulate what she heard then. She thought she had gotten it right, but now her thoughts were plagued with doubts.

What if she had a terrible voice for a girl? What if that was giving her away? What if that was why people were thinking she was a boy? She quivered and slowly pulled the blanket around herself, closing her eyes.

She wished there was a spell that would tell her just how ‘girl’ she appeared. Something that told her what she had to work on. What she had to fix. Such a spell would be possible, she suspected. But she couldn’t even begin to guess how it would be created. Half the time she didn’t feel she knew herself what made her appear as ‘girl’ or ‘boy’.

Why was it that sometimes she seemed to be completely okay? Other times she just got strange stares and everyone seemed to be judging her, even if they didn’t say anything? What was she doing wrong? What was she doing right?

Why did it all have to be so hard? Why did everyone have to care so much what she did? She gripped the pillow and held it over her face, screaming into it. Why did it all have to be so frustrating? Why couldn’t people accept who she was? Treat her the way she wanted to be treated? She wanted all of the good and the bad that came with it, she didn’t want anything special or unique. She just wanted to be herself.

She paused and then slowly took the pillow off her face, before leaning forward and glancing towards the door. There was at least one person who cared about her. Who was willing to stand up for her and help her be herself. Even if it meant yelling at other people to protect her. Someone who accepted her.

Even if he was a bit harsh sometimes, or yelled at her when she messed up one of her strikes. Or teased her for all the stuff she didn’t know about camping. He also praised her when she was successful, when she did things right. He told her it was okay she was like this, that she was different from everyone else. That she wanted to be something that most people wouldn’t even try to understand.

She felt guilt well up inside her stomach. He was the first person to believe in her and she was lying to him. Dragging him to the vault with her. She couldn’t even dare tell him why she was going there. Because even if she wasn’t hurting anyone, what she was trying to do was incredibly dangerous. If anyone found out before she was finished, there was no way she would be able to succeed.

She gave a soft sigh, reached into her bag and pulled out the pair of books with an identical paw print on the cover.

She looked between the two of them, before placing the more heavily damaged one in front of herself. She ran her fingers across the cover and lightly whispered. “Reveal.”

A moment later, she opened the book. The ink swirled along the pages, the heavily damaged and old pages becoming new again. After a few moments the ink settled to words in her handwriting. She pulled a quill and inkwell from her bag, placing them slowly on the bed.

This tome held all of her notes that she had spent years gathering. Every story and myth she’d studied held little secrets that might one day help her become herself. Every trick she learned to help herself feel, look and act like a girl. Things she noticed other girls do that seemed to make them appear normal.

If her master ever found out what she’d had planned, he’d have destroyed this book and never let her know half the things she’d questioned him on. Sometimes she’d have to spend days planning the correct question to ask so he wouldn’t know why she asked it. But in the end, she had managed to gather just enough information to know where she had to go next.

She gently placed her left hand against her bracer, the dots forming to a pattern she was all too familiar with, before casting the spell.

It was always such a simple spell. Or rather, the effects were minor. It only shifted her body in a few minor ways, her hair didn’t even change.

But when she laid back down, she was a girl. She was RIGHT. Even if it would only last for a few hours, it was worth it to be herself.

All of that stress, that fear, that worry, that uncomfortable nagging feeling that pressed in against her everywhere she went was gone. It was like having a great weight that she had been carrying around her whole life suddenly being removed. A nagging pain that was always there finally being cured. She was herself. She was fully Yvette.

While there were things she could do to dampen the pain, wearing girl clothes, being called Yvette. Being herself, this was the only true cure.

No matter how hard she tried, she could only dampen the feeling, not remove it, except when she cast this spell. She lifted a hand to her chest and rested it there, feeling her beating heart. “This is why I do it...” she whispered. “Just imagine. One day, you’ll be like this forever. No one will tell. No one will know. And even if they do know, who cares? You’ll be yourself...” she whispered gently. “Even if you have to fight the whole world to be you, what does it matter? Even if it means you’re alone forever. Even if you lose everyone. You’ll be you.” She wished she didn’t have to risk so much. But the thought of going back to how things had been, to just ‘accepting’ who she had been, hurt so, so much worse.

She slowly sat up and started writing in her book once again. Just a few, small notes. Reminders of who she was, what she was. To help herself remember this feeling, even when things got worse or she was hurt. The alternative was going back to pretending to be a guy. Pretending to be happy when everything hurt or felt wrong, just to keep everyone else around her happy. Why did she have to be miserable to make all of them happy?

Frustration bubbled up within herself and she wrote on the bottom of the page. ‘If they can’t accept me trying to be myself, they don’t deserve to be a part of my life.’

She gave a soft sigh and stared at the page, waiting for the ink to dry.

Despite what she told herself, though, she knew it wasn’t that easy. She could feel it in her heart. She craved their acceptance. The feelings she’d had when Gervas said it was okay, when he’d defended her. As good as it had felt to be herself, it was always a fight, she always had to struggle for every token offering of acceptance she received. To have someone besides her, defending her. To, for once, not have to fight a seemingly endless battle, had meant so much more to her than she could ever explain.

She would do this alone if she had to. But if she could have just one person who would stand by her side and help her, it was something she’d never want to give up.

She gently ran her fingers along the page, her heart aching at the thought of what she would have to give up. She’d likely only ever get one chance to get the spell.

“It’s not fair...” she whispered. She couldn’t tell him, she couldn’t risk him trying to stop her. She had to remind herself that, even though he was acting supportive of her now, he had tried so hard to force her to be Tebaud.

If he knew what she had planned, there was no way he would ever allow her to go through with it. He would stop her, by force if need be. She slammed the book shut and slid it into her bag, the duplicate following suit.

She’d sacrifice everything she had if it meant she could finally be herself. Even if it meant fighting the whole world. She laid down on the bed one last time, closing her eyes and pulling the blanket over her tired body.

For the first time in a long time, she allowed herself to sleep as herself. Happy and relaxed.