Homeless Bunny (RWBY/Campione)

Homeless Bunny 3

“Suspect is a male, rabbit faunus child with white hair and prominent ears. He assaulted two gate guards and fled into the city before losing them by hopping onto the rooftops. He is thought to be a White Fang agent and possesses a mobility-related Semblance. All citizens are advised to approach with caution. This has been Lisa Lavender for the Vale News Network,” I heard from a TV hung over a cafe patio.

“I’m not a child,” I muttered darkly. They left out the bit about me using a spoon, probably to spare those racist fuckers’ dignities. “And what the hell’s a Semblance? Or a White Fang?”

There was much to do. For starters, I needed a place to crash. Well, technically I didn’t. As a Campione, I could even live in the vacuum of space if I wanted and be perfectly healthy, but I had standards. I refused to live in a dumpster or some homeless shelter. After all, I needed to cook. I could overlook a great many things, but the lack of a kitchen was a travesty that must be corrected with all haste.

After that, I needed information. Ideally, there would be a mage association nearby that I could bully for answers, but I wasn’t counting on it. I wasn’t hiding my power in the least. I wasn’t even sure the Dark Side of the Moon Authority could be activated in the first place considering the circumstances. If there was a mage association, they were remarkably good at hiding. I suspected there wasn’t one. I felt some humans with powers, but they were one-dimensional, flat in a way that reminded me of superheroes, not mages.

Unfortunate, as that meant I’d need to start digging on my own.

“Right. Kitchen. Information. Where can I get both…” I hummed as I hopped across the Vale skyline. I wandered aimlessly until I stumbled on what had to be the poorer districts.

Then some people caught my eye. They were unique in that they all wore dark suits with red ties, shades, and bowler hats. In their hands were machetes. I still didn’t dare call myself a master martial artist, not compared to my beloved, but after a century of sparring against the most dangerous woman alive, I liked to think I knew what skill looked like in a person.

These men… were not skilled. They held their machetes like amateurs, waving them around like I used to when I was a child pretending to be a jedi with a roll of wrapping paper. I felt some vicarious embarrassment on their behalf.

Still, since I had no ID and there was some obvious prejudice against those of the fluffier persuasion such as myself, I decided a less than legal means of information gathering would be fine to start. I landed in the street before them. “Let’s see… Suits long after business hours, matching uniforms, cheap blades spray-painted to match the ties… I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re a gang.”

“Huntsman,” one muttered. That got them all looking rather nervous.

“Who wants to know?” another said, stepping out into the front. He was either very brave or very stupid. Either way, I decided to name him mook-leader in my head.

I bowed deep with a flourish. “Tianyu Yue, Jade Rabbit, Divine Chef, Sovereign of the Lunar Palace, Master of the Fluffles, and currently a homeless bunny. It’s a pleasure to meet you, gentlemen.”

“Well you can beat it, fluffy. We got work to do.”

“Now, I don’t mind letting you boys get to your… work… but I do have a question. If a man wanted to learn more about the world through, say, unofficial channels, where might he go?”

That made mook-leader pause. They began to discuss among themselves.

“Fuck it, we can just kick his ass, right? It’s just one kid. He looks too young for Beacon.”

“He could be Signal. Heard those kids are nasty.”

“He’s faunus. You think they’re going to accept him?”

“Some prep schools do, dumbass.”

“He could be a dropout looking for work.”

“Heh, the boss wouldn’t mind, right?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” Mook-leader turned back to me. Horrible form that, turning your back on a potential enemy. Clearly, no one told these idiots that “cute” and “harmless” weren’t synonyms. “Alright, look, fluffy. Our boss is an information broker. That what you’re looking for?”

“It is indeed. Do you mind taking me to him?”

“He owns the club on Hoster Street. Real fancy place for this part of town. You get me?”

I nodded placidly. Information. And a club meant food, which meant kitchen, right? “That sounds perfect. What’s his name?”

“Not from around here, are ya? Hei Xiong. Look for the man at the bar, kid.”

I hopped back onto the rooftops. “You have a wonderful night.”

“Weird fucker.”

“Yeah. The twins are gonna eat him alive.”

X

I found it. Junior’s Club, unimaginatively named, turned out to be a popular venue. The night was still young, about ten if I had to guess. There were plenty of people lining up outside to get into the dance floor. The smell of liquor, sweat, and fried food assaulted my senses but I pressed on.

I considered skipping the line and sneaking through an upper-story window, but I was trying to make connections not enemies. I could always just beat up the gang leader until he gave me what I wanted, but I generally tried not to resort to that. So, I waited in line like a normal person until I stood before a big, burly bouncer with arms thicker than my head.

“Hey there,” I greeted. “I need to speak to Hei Xiong.”

“Sure, kid. Go right on through.”

“Really? Sweet, thought this would be a hassle. Thanks!”

I walked by him, only for him to put a meaty hand on my shoulder. “No, you fucking idiot. Do you even know who that is?”

“Gang leader. Has information. Yes?”

“And you think you can just walk right in, do you?”

“I mean… yes…?”

He tried to pull me out of line but I refused to budge. My apparent weight caught him by surprise for a moment before he put his back into it. “Ugh,” he groaned.

“See?” I said as I kept walking. “I’m going to walk right in. One of his guys said I can find him at the bar. He’ll show up if I drag his bouncer, right?”

“Brothers damn it, what the fuck are you made of?”

“Fluff and spite. Seriously, bunnies are the most vindictive assholes alive,” I chirped cheerfully. I’d yet to so much as pull my hands from my pockets. There were some gang members lounging around, but they seemed confused.

“Whatever,” the bouncer said finally, letting me go. “You huntsman types think you can do whatever the fuck you want. Go on then, let the twins have you.”

“Thanks!”

Now that I was rid of the not-literally dead weight, I took a quick glance around the room. The club was an impressive structure, a three-story building with the center hollowed out in favor of an arching roof. The main attraction was a large dance floor that had been tiled with white, LED lighting. A DJ’s booth was manned by a man who wore the now familiar suit and red tie and… a mask shaped like a teddy bear… because style or something… I could see booths in the corners and a small dining area on the second floor.

I tuned out the unnecessarily loud music with long practice and made my way to the bar. It covered one entire wall and I found several more of the Xiong Family mixing drinks. I pulled up a stool and waited my turn.

“Heh, you want a glass of milk, kid?” one of the bartenders asked.

“Nope. I’m looking for information. Is Hei Xiong around?”

“You want the boss? A prep school dropout, eh?”

“Hey, I’ll have you know I got a high school diploma.”

“Sure, whatever, brat. You got anything worth trading?”

I frowned in thought. I wasn’t in the habit of taking simply because I could, that was the way of a tyrant. Good service deserved to be rewarded. God or mortal, I promised myself I would treat all with equal civility until civility became no longer appropriate. With that in mind, I spoke, “I offer to brew him the elixir of life, power beyond imagination, luck crystalized into a seasoning, the secrets of magic, or knowledge of realms beyond men. He may choose one for his service to me.”

“You’re fucking with me.”

“I am not.”

“Ahahahahaha… Go home, kid.”

“I cannot. That is why I require his services.”

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Alright, look. You got any lien?”

“I do not.”

“Can you fight?”

“I am possessed of some modest skill.”

“What prep school did you drop out of?”

“I told you, I have a diploma.”

“Whatever. You got aura?”

I hummed. Aura? I flexed just a tiny bit, enough to let my magic suffuse the air around me. A dull glow surrounded my body. “Like this?”

“Okay, good. Look, the boss might wanna hire you to be some added muscle.”

“I am not muscle. I am a chef.”

“You’re a chef,” he said with clear disbelief.

“Yes, a chef, the noblest of professions. It is my lot to create, to nourish and strengthen with flavors beyond your understanding,” I nodded proudly.

“You know what? Fine. Whatever. The boss can decide what he wants from you.”

So saying, he sighed and walked off, muttering about “fucking huntsmen.” With nothing else to do, I sat around and watched the crowd. It didn’t take long for Hei Xiong to find me. The bartender returned with a man who stood two full heads taller than him and a pair of twins dressed in red and white. They were cute, in that haughty, “I’m royalty and you better know it,” sort of way. All three of them walked like fighters so I assumed the pair were bodyguards or officers in the gang of some variety.

I hopped down from my stool and walked up to him. He stood almost a full two feet taller than me, though admittedly that was because I hadn’t grown a damn inch in my century of life. Luo Hao said I was cute and that’s what mattered… I wasn’t salty…

“Hei Xiong?”

“Yeah. Who wants to know?”

“Tianyu Yue, Jade Rabbit, Divine Chef, Sovereign of the Lunar Palace, Master of the Fluffles, and currently a homeless bunny. And might I say, you are… tall.”

“And you’re short. Look, kid. You got aura, fine. Now why would I want to help you?”

I nodded and repeated my offer. “Understandable. You are a businessman, albeit an illicit one. I offer to brew for you the elixir of life. I can bestow upon you power beyond imagination, luck crystalized into a seasoning, the secrets of magic, or knowledge of realms beyond men. You may choose any of these as your own. In exchange, I require three things from you.”

“And what’s that?”

“First, a kitchen and a place to lay my head. I’m not picky about the details save that the kitchen be well-stocked and functional. Second, I am not from here. I require general information about Vale’s laws and customs. Third, I have a deep love of history, mythology, and theology. I require any first hand accounts of magic, gods, enchanted artifacts, and the like. Religious texts, anthologies of legends and folktales, or chronicles of ancient kings will all be acceptable.”

“That’s… You came to the city for… this…?”

“You look puzzled,” I observed. “Why do you look puzzled? I believe my requests are all within your ability to grant.”

“No, it is, it’s just you… You know you’re a terrorist, right?” He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a phone, some sort of device that made holograms, and pulled up an article. “They’re saying you beat up some guards at the gate before rushing into the city an hour ago.”

“Good, you are well informed of my activities. I expect no less of Vale’s information broker,” I nodded, buttering him up a bit.

“They’re saying you’re White Fang.”

“I do not know what they are.”

“You’re fucking with me…” He stared at me like I was a lunatic before reality dawned in his eyes. “Oh, shit, you’re not fucking with me. You really have no clue, do you?”

“No. I did say I require general information as well. What is a White Fang?”

“Faunus terrorists who think they’re fighting for faunus rights or something,” the white twin said. She had long, silky black hair, and a flower pinned to her ear. “What? Are you from another planet?”

“Yes.”

“Funny.”

Hei Xiong sighed. “Look, I’m going to assume you’re from way out in the hicks somewhere. You have any combat training to go with that aura?”

“I do, but I don’t think this is the place to prove it,” I said, gesturing broadly to the dance floor. Our conversation was drowned out by the blaring music but if we fought here, more than a few people wouldn’t be going home tonight.

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. “And what? You want me to get you information you could acquire from the library? For what?”

“I told you, the elixir of li-”

“No. Be serious, kid.”

This was a problem. I was one hundred percent serious. Gang leader or not, I would have happily given him a small fragment of my power, power enough to make him stronger than great knights in my world. But he didn’t believe me. His loss then. I toned down my offer. “Very well, I can cook. I am the greatest chef in the world, and unlike fighting, this is something I can prove right now.”

“Hey, Lenny, how busy’s the kitchen right now?” he shouted.

“Not busy, boss. What’s up?” came the call back.

“Alright, bunny, tell you what. You’re going to make the three of us dinner. You got fifteen minutes to make whatever you want. If we like it, we’ll keep you around as the chef. You get a room upstairs and I’ll forge you some papers so you can go out and do your own damn research.”

I smiled brightly. A cooking challenge? Levied by a mortal to Tianyu? I could not decline. The core of my very existence demanded I answer. “Very well. I accept your challenge. Rest assured, you will taste the food of the gods tonight!”

X

Fifteen minutes and hilarious abuse of my Authorities and godspeed later, Hei “call me Junior” Xiong was splayed out on the floor in a blissed out coma. The twins had shed their haughty attitudes in favor of fighting over the last slice of my lemon-raspberry pie. The moment my food touched their mortal tongues, they stared up at me as though I’d granted them a glimpse into the heavenly realms, because that’s exactly what I did.

“I promised you food fit for the gods,” I said smugly. “Freya in particular loves that pie. So?”

“You’re hired,” Junior said, groaning in pleasure.

“And making breakfast,” the red one, Miltiades Malachite, said.

“We want something sweet, but not fattening,” the white twin, Melanie, added. Then she had to defend her dessert from her traitorous sister’s fork.

I laughed. Yes, not cooking for a week was truly too much. “And my information?”

“You got it. I’ll buy you a scroll,” Junior burped.

“I’m glad we understand each other, boss.”

Author’s Note

If this was a normal story, I might have been tempted to start elsewhere just to do a bit of worldbuilding, but Vale is Vale and this is mostly for the lols so something familiar is nice I think. I’m going to see if I can squeeze out another chapter today before I get back to actual stories.

Thank you for reading. Believe it or not, this is the seventh website I've crossposted to. I want to make sure this site catches up with the others, but it's slow, tedious work. Until then, other sites will have a much more updated library of my works. If you want to read ahead, or check out other stories I've written, you can find them all on my Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/fabled.webs.