I Am A Carnivorous Plant

So I talked a big game about it, but honestly I’m still not amazing enough to, say, take on more than two or three lizards at once, unfortunately. Luckily the things are so freaking huge that I really only need to eat about one and a half of them a day to be satisfied, so it’s actually not such a big deal, but like… Oh man, wouldn’t it have been really cool if I could just slaughter all these guys as much as I liked instead of having to care how many I’m wandering into at once? After taking down those bears and mountain lions I was really thinking that I’d become kinda unstoppable now, you know? But I guess I’d also be a bit scared of trying to fight off a whole swarm of those at once, too, so…

 

Oh well.

I just have to keep on getting bigger I guess.

You kill a few lizards but nothing really changes.

…Hmph.

 

~~~

 

I guess the biggest drawback of my whole compressed spring-vines attack, besides the far too long name, is the fact that it takes a little while before it can go off. I think if I were fast enough and could slow the lizards down enough, that I could actually take them out one after another pretty effectively, but like… Man, there’s just no way to keep them still enough without sending a bunch of vines after ‘em. I tried leading them into an already placed spring, but somehow that just felt horribly inefficient, since sometimes they wouldn’t walk exactly where I wanted them to. Sure, getting explosively stabbed through is deadly, but it’s only really deadly if you get hit in the right spots. Maybe they’ll bleed out a good bit and get slower, but that’s not really what I was going for, you know?

 

Anyways, yeah, I’ve tested out all kinds of things on these alligators/crocodiles for about a week and a half now, and I can solemnly swear that um… Yeah, I hate these things! They’re just too much work, it’s like I’m trapped in some crappy world where every animal was a slow, scaly bear. I hate it here! You turn a corner? Lizard. You walk three feet? Lizard. Try to sunbathe? Lizard. Lizards lizards lizards, just coming out of my nonexistent ears! It’s such a good amount of food when I take them down, but if I don’t find a good, lizard free safe spot to photosynthesize in, then it's just pointless, you know? I can only get bigger if I’m given the time to work through my nutrients! There’s no point having all this food around if I can’t even use it all efficiently!

 

I guess if I’m looking on the bright side, the lizards seem to not want to attack as much when the sun is at its brightest and everything gets a little warmer, which gives me a small window to use for photosynthesizing, but it’s not nearly enough. There’s even these cute basketball sized frogs hopping around the place like little snack-packs that I can’t even properly appreciate because I’m just so overstocked with lizard corpses! The damn things are even making me feel guilty about considering free snacks, for god’s sake! Nobody can blame me if I decide to just move on with my life, right? That place is just a curse pretending to be a blessing! I don’t need such a thing. I’d rather go back to the regular forest, thank you! Honestly, I found the exit of the swamp a few days ago, but I was too stuck in this whole sunk cost fallacy with the lizards that I chose not to take it. But now? Now I’m definitely leaving.

 

Screw you, swamp!

I’m leaving and I’m never coming back!

Sucks to suck, you loser lizards!

 

…Okay, I say all this, but maybe I’ll come find a swamp again some day when I’m bigger and can kill faster and eat more. That actually sounds like it could be pretty good, right? Then I could eat all these lizards and not feel like I’m wasting anything. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. One day in the future, then.

 

Wait for me, swamp!

 

~~~

 

Forest forest~!

I’ve returned to you, my home!

 

Well okay, not exactly. Before I was in more of a lush, average forest, but now I think I’m maybe in a redwood? The trees are particularly tall, and the place is kind of shadier than I’d like. But overall it’s a forest! Who could possibly argue with this place after making it out of that icky swamp? I’d take a redwood over that any day! Besides, there’s all kinds of critters running around, and I’ve seen some huge meaty elk roaming around the place. I’m hoping I’ll find some nice big birds with some nice huge eggs in these ginormous trees, too!

 

First thing’s first, I made sure to find a good and sunny hill where I could get some light on. I wasn’t gonna make the swamp mistake again and not have anywhere good to photosynthesize, although I guess the reasonings were kind of different in hindsight, but whatever! If I’m gonna try to get big here, then I have to make sure nothing is going to get in my way! I’m going to eat everything up, it’s going to be peaceful, and I’m finally going to get bigger, dammit!

 

So yeah, I found a nice and sunny hill where nothing could sneak up on me.

Did it take literal days?

Yes.

Was it worth it?

Dear lord I hope so.

Do I feel like I wasted a lot of time and opportunities being a bit too picky?

Yes.

But now I’m here, and I’m ready to grow!

 

Let’s go make some new friends and eat ‘em!

 

~~~

 

The elk are magnificent. And strangely enough, a lot of the little forest critters are just a taaad bit bigger than in other places, I think. And the eggs, the eggs~! If I take the time to climb up these trees and destroy a few bird’s families, oh man are the eggs worth it! I gotta say, I think I love it here. One might say that the only downside are the even larger than normal predators to match the even larger than normal prey running around, but if I see them coming, then… Well, I’m not trapped in here with them, they’re trapped in here with me, right? It’s basically just a free food delivery service, heh heh!

 

I suppose my only real problem is the cats? They hide up in the trees sometimes and ambush me while I’m roaming around hunting. I’ve even accidentally flung myself onto them sometimes while I’ve been feeling acrobatic and tentacle-ing from tree to tree. They’re black and gold and brown and huge, so you’d think they’d be quite obvious up there, but uhhh nope, that’s not the case at all! Or maybe it’s just my trashy weird ‘vision’ that’s making it hard to see them, who knows? Anyways, these things are massive and strong and fast, and I really have to struggle when I fight ‘em. They’re kind of a pain! I haven’t even tried to use my camellia flower here since I was worried it’d make the cats come running at me. At least they’re super pretty to look at, but I think it’s harder to appreciate their beauty when they’re trying to murder me. Maybe if I settle down somewhere someday I’ll try and put up a few of their pelts around the place and prettify things up! ...If I manage to figure out how to skin something with my tentacles, that is.

 

Don’t worry, I’ve had to test it out many times, and I am strong enough to take one of the cats out after a big struggle.

…But that’s only one of them.

I won’t lie, I’m crazy lucky these things don’t like to be around each other.

 

Anyways, my beloved sunbathing hill is far enough away from the trees that I feel safe enough from the murder cats, and since they don’t really like to just walk around in broad daylight, I should be plenty safe. I’ve been making sure to really focus on growing again, and I’ve managed to decimate the nearby animal population enough that I’ve made significant progress in my growth! Only a month went by, but you can really tell the difference! I’m a little taller, my vines and roots feel like they’ve grown even stronger and longer, and… And um…

 

Well, it appears my, um, appearance aged up?

 

For a little while I looked like a cherubic preteen little girl. The leaves that made up my ‘hair’ were short, and maybe I resembled a cute depiction of a flower or plant spirit or something, you know? My ‘hair’ has now made it to my ‘shoulders’, and I’ve gotten a bit taller, like maybe around the size of your average 13 year old girl, and maybe my figure has fleshed out a bit. But now, um… Now I’m starting to feel immodest? Like, I get it, I’m pretty sure I’m the kind of plant that’s made to lure things in with my appearance. I remember all those orchids out there from my previous life that looked a certain way to attract all kinds of things. There were some that looked like a sexy bee to lure in other bees, or ones that looked like sexy birds to attract birds, or even plants that looked like sexy lips, to…

 

Ok look, I know I get the most nutrition out of humans!

Clearly I’m made to eat them or something!

But uh…

Well, I can’t fault nature on this one, I know that.

I know the best way to lure in a human is to look like a sexy human.

But really.

Really.

 

Ugh…

 

…So anyways I’m growing up really hot, alright?!

 

There was this one plant I once heard about from Australia in my past life. It was red and black and small, but well... It always looked a lot like breasts to me, okay? I know they weren’t supposed to actually look like breasts, and I know they served other functions, but like… They were totally that to me. So explain to me now why my weird plant body decided to grow very similar faux breasts on me! I know I said it’s for making me look ‘hot’ and attracting prey, but come on! Plant breasts! What am I gonna do with these things?! Grrr!!! You can make me look like a little cutie pie all you want, but once you put breasts on the plants, that’s when I draw the line!

 

…But like I said, the stupid boob-looking plants had another purpose to them in the end, and it’s just my dumb mind that’s the problem.

 

See, I can see a clear picture of myself at all times with my weird magic ‘vision’ that I have. And I know exactly what’s hidden behind those ‘breasts’ of mine. I am a carnivorous, dangerous predator! Like I said, I’m made to look attractive to my prey, and when they see my curves and get too close… then I have a new trap to spring on them!

 

I have tentacles, as you know, and honestly, I’ve learned how to move them quite fast. I’m actually very proud of how fast my tentacles are, in fact! But you know what? There are a few things out there that are faster than my tentacles. Shocking, I know. Seems like mother nature realized this, though, and decided to give me a type of countermeasure! Now, if I open my mouth within arms reach of my prey, these… oh what do I call them? These two ‘arms’, similar to my tendrils, reach out to grab whatever’s in front of me. And what’s on the end of these two limbs? Mouths. Two hand-sized venus flytrap-like 'mouths' come out! But they’re not sticky like one, oh no, they don’t keep the prey in them by making them stuck. You know those little eyelash-like protrusions that a real venus flytrap would have? For me those are teeth! You see, they’re stored inside of me, right? So they couldn’t possibly have gone with the sticky route if they wanted to be safe from my oh so potent digestive fluids. Instead they have this rubbery fluid-resistant coating on them that seems to be specially made to repel my acid. And so, if they can’t hold with sticking, I guess it decided raw biting power is better. And man, can I tell you, the things will chomp you and pull you in before you even have time to blink!

 

And where are these glorious grabbers of mine stored?

You guessed it!

Mother nature hid them all curled up right inside the sacks that make up my plant breasts!

 

Jeez nature is weird.

Or maybe magic is to blame on this one?

I’m sure it’s someone’s fault.

Certainly not mine, though!