I am Peter Parker

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***

- By the way, I don't want to spoil the mood.... - That's generous of you Silver Bum, but you're ruining it by being here. - But how about you don't bring your girlfriends here while I'm here, okay? It'll be better for you, cos I'm gonna vomit all over the walls because of your shurr-murrs.

Hearing about vomit at breakfast is priceless, but otherwise, who does she think she is, making demands with that cocky smirk in my house? Especially after she's poked holes in the wallpaper and drained me of all my positivity?!

- I'm not promising anything. - just to piss her off, I said. It's not like I'm stupid to bring Flash to my place, our relationship isn't mature enough for that.

- Jerk. - She pouted and picked at her pancakes with her fork again, then spoke again. Yeah, you silver-tongued bastard. - Tell me, how many girlfriends do you have? Regular and not so regular.

- А?.. - Do I look like a playboy? Is she nearsighted? Then did she shoot me that time?! - Erm... Why girlfriends? Do I look like I'm going out on the town?

- Why do you look like a cheater? What are you, a cheater?! I never would've thought so, but you look so honest... - was genuinely surprised by the con artist.

Her reaction was a bit... Strange? As if I said something ridiculous and, at the same time, unnecessary, giving myself away. But why would I do that? Doesn't the idea that I have a lot of girlfriends go hand in hand with cheating? Or did she think I had a harem like in some anime? That's crazy.

- Erm. Bastard, is polygamy common in your country?

- You almost called me a bastard just now, didn't you? - I didn't want to be called that, I'd have thought of a human name. - But yeah, well, isn't it common in America? I thought they practised it all over the world.

Well, I guess that's another difference between this world and my old one. It doesn't affect me in any way, so whatever.

I just need to deal with my debt. Where am I gonna get almost $100,000? I'm gonna look for a part-time job after breakfast.

I'll have to skip school, but I won't have to talk to Glenn again. Who knows if he's gonna punch me for kissing him? Wouldn't want to end the friendship? I'd better give him time to cool off. And I don't have time for more drama...

- BROTHER?! - oh yeah, here comes the time for my brain to blow my mind about the girl.... - What's this all about?!

The little one burst into my house without a bell or knock, and after shouting indignantly into the living room, the bathroom, and the stairs, finally came out into the kitchen, I guess like her voice, her face also lost confidence from so many misses with a spectacularly furious appearance.

- Haa... Do you want breakfast?

- Brother, what's that irritated moan?! Whoa! Who the hell is that?! - With saucer eyes, Penny pointed her index finger in the direction of the con artist.

She flashed me a look that said, "Lie to her, don't make this harder than it has to be."

Hmm... So I need to find a reason why she's in my house early in the morning, and why she might be there on Penny's occasional visits...? I can tell you she's a friend who decided to stay with me. A recently moved in neighbour who's just starting out on her own and doesn't know anyone in town... I can.

- Another one of my girlfriends. - kill two birds with one stone.

- Pfft! - the hobo spit out her coffee.

- STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?! - the little one lost the pupils in her saucers from shock.

- Yes, you should know how she loves me, loves me so much, especially in bed, doesn't get off me at all.

- In bed with your b-b-brother... - while Penny was not so successfully digesting what she'd heard....

- Grrrrr. - The bastard was looking at me with the express intention of killing me. And the only way I could respond was to square my shoulders in a "let's keep it simple" gesture.

- IS THAT TRUE?! - demanded a response from my named lover.

- Y-yes... - she said in the voice of an old man dying of tuberculosis, I think she was bleeding from her mouth, how much she likes to play along with me.

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT! It can't be true! Brother can't have two girls at once! Yeah, right, it's just his stupid prank, ha ha ha ha ha, how funny, bro, how funny, ha ha ha ha ha.... - Honestly, her blank eyes and emotionless laughter made my blood run cold. Surely I didn't just say that for nothing...?

.....

After calming down, sitting down at the table, and Penny almost getting her pupils back, we went about our business. I drank my tea and finished my scrambled eggs, and what those two were doing, who cares...? They were glaring at me, waiting for me to choke on it.

- So, little brother. - escorting my fork into my mouth with bad intentions, Penny spoke again. - Why don't you introduce me to your d-girlfriend?

- S- - I started.

- Silver, my name is Silver. Nice to meet you. - but I was interrupted.

- Haaah... - Penny said thoughtfully. - Why did she say her name, brother, I thought I asked you?

- Well, I wanted to pronounce it... - she started.

- It's just, she didn't want to. - but this time it was my turn to interrupt her. - So I could call her what I always call her - a bastard.

- BROTHER! You should get a needle in your tongue for saying that. Wait, why are you calling your favourite girl such a bad word? - Sure she'd caught me, Penny smiled and returned her pupils completely.

- She's an inveterate masochist.

...Well, after I said that, there was silence. Penny lost her pupils once again, staring at me with the blank stare of a cursing ghost, only this time Silver joined her, completely copying my favourite sis.

Haa... It's so nice to spend time in the company of your favourite people, lol. Even though I'll have to sleep in the park tonight, it was worth it, I brought revenge for the wallpaper....

.....

- So why did you come to me? - I'm guessing, but I don't know.

- Why are you sitting across from each other instead of next to each other? - but the answer was a thousand reasons. My sister tried her best to escape from the truth, but as truth... Lingering vengeance.

- Yeah, honey, why don't you sit next to me? - Silver made me a faintly tempting suggestion, holding her fork in a dangerous way and smiling at me with the smile of a messenger of death.

- See, I called her a 'bastard' and she said 'nice' back, I told you she was a masochist.

*Shoo!

Suddenly a breeze blew past my face, and it was only when I heard the vibrating metal that I realised it was a fork, now stuck in the tiles above the sink.... Do I have to avenge the tiles now? Can I survive a second vengeance?

- Sorry, honey, it slipped out of my hand, hee hee~

I can't, those white shark eyes are telling me that. Maybe I shouldn't spend the night in the park, but rather move to the park?

- Ooooh brother has so many secrets..... - In parallel, the earth has finally lost Penny, and she's gone into a trance. - Already dating two girls, participating in "Groom for the Avengers."

А?.. What did she just say? Where am I involved?

- Pen-?

*Ding-dong.

Before I could clarify where I was involved, the front doorbell rang. And since the con artist is a useless piece of meat, and clearly in a bad, dangerous mood, I went to open the door.

- Hello?

Opening the door, in front of me I saw a very short-cropped blonde with curly hair, greyish eyes, all out of breath in a sweat-soaked austere suit, glasses hanging from her right ear, and barely kept on her nose.

Come to think of it, wasn't this the first time I'd described someone in such detail? Maybe I should do it more often. Though why go over in my head what I can already see? It's crazy.

- P-Peter Parker? - As I digested the existential thoughts in my head, I nodded. - Oh, thank God. Your address was lost, and I couldn't get Miss Stark on the phone. Come on, come on, come on.

The stranger smiled and grabbed my arm, dragging me towards a nearby parked van.

- Erm... Look, if you're gonna kidnap me, at least offer me a chocolate bar or a puppy. - both the con men and the kidnappers are lazy. Isn't that for the best, though?

- А?.. - Didn't it work before? Otherwise, why did the girl stare at me with such shock after I pulled my hand away? - Erm... Did you forget? There's a film shoot today.

What film shoot? Wait, so what--

Getting into the porn industry? I never would have guessed.

- I'm sorry, I don't think my parents would approve of me doing short films like that.

- Short films? Oh, you're worried you won't get enough screen time! Don't worry, if you sweat hard enough, you'll get all sixteen hours!

- Sixteen hours?! - What kind of porn is this?! - I'm gonna sweat myself to death!

.....

I got into the van in front of Ripley Ryan, the blonde woman with the glasses who kept harping on Stark. The assistant herself didn't explain much to me, quickly going off on complaints about the Avengers. I know I have to do some show because of Theresa, and that's it. What kind of show, what I have to do there, I don't know. If it wasn't for the payment offered by Ripley, I wouldn't be going.

.....

After a dusty entrance, a long corridor, a visit to the dressing room, I was finally called in.

Walking out of the dark hallway as my name tag lit up, I entered a solid scarlet room where five other guys were waiting for me....

And god damn it, the sight of these men immediately made me uncomfortable....

- Introduce yourselves, please. - was the director's voice, I believe.

- Hello, my name is Jude High. - The curly-haired brown-haired man smiled a snow-white smile, adjusting his pale pink shirt over his heaving chest. - Masterful with my tongue. Ha ha ha ha ha, sorry, that sounded vulgar, I meant I like to learn languages. I speak fourteen so far. I feel very happy that Stephanie Rogers was chosen as a contestant. She's a sporty girl and I love running and yoga, I think we'll get along.

- Han Sang-hyun. - a guy in an unbuttoned shirt, skinny but embossed spoke next. His voice was deliberately casual. - The lead singer in a K-pop band, First Destination. Breena chose me as her candidate, right? I guess she wants someone to finally take her... And take her out of the lab and show her the nightlife.

- Arnold Stallone is one hundred and twenty-five kilos of select American male. - followed by a man with biceps the size of my head. - Bodybuilder, actor, model and just a good bloke. I'll tell Tora one thing, if she was looking for a man to carry her in his arms, she made the right choice.

- Ricardo. Just Ricardo. - spoke in a gruff voice, a mysterious Latino man in a leather jacket. - I only like two things in this life - my motorbike and the road. Although. a good ride with Claudia sounds like the third thing I could love.

- Alexander Familiev, nice to meet you! - The red-haired guy with kind eyes spread out in a white-hot smile like everyone else. - I love travelling, it's my passion. I love to conquer mountains, rivers... And I hope to win Natasha's heart first.

Hmm. Is that how ugly friends feel? Unpleasant. And by the way, where were these guys when I was looking for a test subject?! All right, well, I've got a girlfriend.

- And it's the last contestant's turn to introduce himself. He's been chosen by Theresa Stark out of competition!

- Peter.

...

*(crickets chirping)

...

I guess I'm expected to continue, but I'm kind of done. Especially against the background of the others, I don't have much to say.

- L-okay, that was interesting. - the silence was finally broken by the director. - You have six weeks with the Avengers ahead of you, are you excited?

- Yes!" the five handsome men shouted in unison.

- Yeah. - unfortunately, I tried to give a nod at first, but when I heard the enthusiastic shouting I decided to be professional and supportive, but it turned out that I was just an echo.

- Well, well, well, I'm sure we'll get to know you well over the weeks. Or else. - the director paused for a moment, apparently at this point, to set the music. - Can you pass the entrance test?

The guys started to act eager, tense and ready to fight to the end. I tried the same, but when I saw my strained face on one of the monitors, I laughed to myself.

- Everyone knows that heroines are the bearers of the highest qualities among the human race. They are inherent in kindness, care, sacrifice .... But what they're not exactly known for is the lust for money. So are you ready to give up the opportunity to leave here right now with a hundred thousand dollars in your pocket, giving up the chance to become the husband of the Avengers?

After that, six transparent suitcases of money were wheeled out on a trolley...