I am Peter Parker

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***

**Eroil. In his office**

Haa... Why did I have such bad luck with him, huh? When is he gonna start fucking everybody? He's acting like a girl, not a man. Any normal man wouldn't leave the gynaecologist, but him... Doesn't he realise he's supposed to be happy?! Just snap your fingers and any woman will spread her legs, what else do you want for happiness?

- Yo, why are you sad, you ate something bad! - Saggy tits, him again.

- Hey, funny man. I'm just thinking about why my trainee isn't using the system at all.

- Oh, come on, don't just hang out on a rainbow. - Everyone hates him, just saying, in case it's not obvious. - Hey, Parrot, is it a native system or a custom one you rigged up?

- My what? Yeah, yeah, my system. - It's so lazy to check native systems, updates, compatibility with targets and stuff, it's easier to create your own.

- Oh, then I don't blame him. - no pun intended? A reference? Or just an aged joke?

Whoa!

- What's that, unshaven armpits of a milf, supposed to mean?

- Can I borrow some paper clips?

- Э? All right. - I got up from my desk, walked over to my locker, pulled a pencil holder out of the bottom drawer and pulled out a couple of paper clips. - Here you go.

- What do you think I was implying when I asked for these? - I stared at him in incomprehension. - Did you even give the kid a guidebook? Or at least explained in words?

- On the piercing in the navel punk girl, I had to do it? It's a system, it's all so clear. I even deliberately put everything on one screen, almost, you have to open screens from above and use intuitive transitions, and so, everything is obvious.

Open the screen to prove my point.

- Э? Okay, where do I see the quests? Upgrade? Why does the description of skills and available stats take up all the space where the transitions are. - isn't it obvious? Are you a user interface simpleton?

- You open the topmost skill and under its detailed description, and the connection to the system, is a transition to the screen pumping.

- Hmm... And how many pages of description you added to the detailed version, because I keep flipping and flipping ...

- Thirty-two, not counting the pictures! - I mean, everyone likes to get into the description! Real hardcore!!!

- Erm... I'm still flipping. And while I'm cringe catching from the slow scrolling, where's the hint button or tutorial mode? - Hint button?! Tutorial mode?! The words of a stupid casual! There's a reason everyone hates him!

** Teresa Stark**

Once again, I review all the footage of Peter, convinced that my theory is justified. His kidnapping-- he set it up. Partly, of course, he probably didn't have an arrangement with Reno; he was just waiting for someone to try to kidnap him, and with a suitcase full of money on display, it was only a matter of time. Risky? Absolutely. But as a result he stood out to the girls in the crowd, he's not just a random pretty face on the show, no, he's also the boy they saved. His rude reaction? Fuelling interest, drumming up negativity to make him more memorable.

- A player, I can't say...

- Miss Stark. - Julia? Apparently she has something I need to tell her. - Watching a home video of a schoolboy in his nakedness. I'm not sure I'd let you come inside me after that.

- Stop making me out to be a pervert!!! - What has gotten into everyone?!

- By your endeavours. Anyway, you asked me to let you know when Parker's going out with his girlfriend. A few minutes ago, he was asking Ripley if he could borrow some clothes for a date.

His girlfriend, huh? What a stupid mistake, I'm almost disappointed. I don't know about now, but last time, no information about his romantic life - didn't exist. Just got on the show, just the stakes have risen and there is already an opportunity to seduce not only me, as immediately there was a girl. Who is so convenient to go on a date with. Yes, yes, a romantic date, not a rendezvous to exchange information and receive instructions from above.

- Keep an eye on him, I want to know where they're meeting.

-The next day, the cinema-

Having filmed the entire auditorium, I set up in the projection room, eavesdropping on the conversation between Parker and his "girlfriend."

Of course, I realise that my actions are completely provocative and demonstrative. Surely they must have guessed that I was aware of their plot. But they must realise who they have decided to play with, and which of us is at the top of the food chain.

I expected either cancellation or nervousness on their part, but no, they're quietly watching the film. Peter anyway, Edith, his "girlfriend", is really tense. So she's not his handler? A youngster who can't be bothered to feed?

God, what nonsense! There's no way some such a powerful organisation could be doing such a mundane thing as seducing heroines into bed - none of the superheroines I know would go against their principles for a man; and it would work much easier with supervillains.

.....

The film ended and I didn't learn much. But something is still yes, they are definitely not dating. While I watched Peter the whole time, he never once blushed, never once averted his eyes in a hurried glance, never crumpled or gave away his nervousness, and even when their fingers were intertwined in the popcorn bucket, he remained calm!

If this wasn't their first date, then why was the girl nervous? Why weren't they doing any vulgarities in an empty auditorium? No, they're not dating, she thought.

- Ugh.

- Miss Stark, I hate to interrupt your stalker activities, but you've been summoned to headquarters.

- I hate to leave them, but it's okay. Since when am I a stalker?!

- Indeed, since when did I miss you, ahhh.

- Don't sound like a frustrated mother! I'm a billionaire, I'm a superheroine and I'm the one who made you!

- Then I'm sorry, Miss Stark. - Julia's been out of control lately. - You don't have to be so desperate to find me a daddy.

- ... - Maybe I should build a new AI.

**About the protagonist's weekend**

Mary-Jane was resting up after the school week, having had a good night's sleep on Saturday. Took a walk around the shopping centre with her friends, had dinner and went to bed.

On Sunday, did her homework for Monday and watched a funny video with kitties, it was fun and cute.

That's how the protagonist's weekend went.

...

No, I'm serious.

**Storm sisters' flat. Sue.

- WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

What?! I almost died on the spot! Why did Joanna suddenly start crying? It was so loud that it must have been heard not only in my room, but in the whole house.

I got up from the table and waddled into the next room. What is it this time? Another popular someone out there announcing marriage? Or had she already forgotten about Parker, fallen in love with someone else, and broken her heart again?

- Joanna. - turtle hiding in her blanket shell again. Nice. - What happened again?

From the hole through which that one breathed, Joanna tossed out a smartphone. Glancing at the screen, I came across a page announcing the new contestants for the show "Groom for the Avengers."

Is she going to get hysterical again about why there's no such show for the Fantastic Four?

- Huh? - I was about to let out a long sigh as one of the contestants caught my eye. - That's him, isn't it?

Why the hell is there a Peter Parker amongst the stunningly handsome men? Firstly, he has no chance of winning or getting past the first round! Secondly, kudos to the arsehole who brought my sister to tears!

- M~S~T~T~T~T~E~L~L~N~N~T~S~!

- D-Joanna, you're scaring me. - I've never heard her sound like I've just been doused with cold water in a Siberian winter!

- Sue, call Rhea and Bunny! - I jumped out, throwing back the blanket, full of energy.

- W-W-What for? - please tell me you just want to go out.

- The Avengers want a war, they're gonna get one!

- Isn't that a little over the top?

- I don't care if it's a civil war if I have to. We're gonna get Peter back for me.

- Haa. Like any great leader, you think only of the needs and welfare of the majority.

I realise she'll cool down soon, but I'm sure she'll do something. I'll have to keep an eye on her!

**Sunday night to Monday night. Parker's house. Peter.

- All done. - I packed my ninth rubbish bag and whistled to the bum.

- What, another one?! Give me a break, my arms are already falling off!

- S~V~O~L~O~CH~! Don't make me angry!

- Don't call- All right, give me the bag.

I would have made her clean up too, if she hadn't shown off her cleaning skills at the beginning by volunteering herself, and holy fuck, somehow while cleaning she managed to create even more rubbish by raising dust, dropping food parts everywhere, or dramatically picking up torn bags. So I had no choice but to do the cleaning myself, while sending her to take the rubbish to the nearest bin.

At least I got some sturdy rubbish bags from one of my part-time jobs. The company where I worked as a watchman used them to pack waste. Otherwise, it would have torn up on the way, littering the whole street.

- Huh? - did the Starbucks glass just move?

- Whoo! - with a sharp sound, a strange thing crawled out from under the cup and ducked under the couch.

A rat?

Well, there's nothing left to do, it's time to go under the sofa to catch a rat - thanks to the bum for such a pleasant leisure time.

- Bhoo. - what scary glowing eyes. - I am Venom!

The rat leapt onto my face, covered in some black vomit.

- No. You are rubbish. - But I set the bag down just in time to catch it in it, as I've had to catch sharp critters before in one of my part-time jobs.

It's a little weird that the rat's talking, but hmm, Marvel, all that stuff, maybe she'll find some turtles at the dump. What's to be surprised about?

- It's so nimble. - She's kicking so hard in the bag, I'm afraid she's gonna tear it. I'm gonna pack a couple just in case. I think she'll chew her way out sooner or later, but the important thing is to get to the bastard's true habitat. - О!..

At first I was surprised that the rat had frozen, but then I noticed that the whole world had actually frozen.

- Ahem! Anyway... - the Allocator's not as active as usual. What, did something happen to him? - About the system.

- А?..

.....

As it turned out, but the beeping in my ears that occurred from time to time, was a notification of receiving quests. Thankfully, under the description of equipment in the information menu, there was a switch to turn it off.

- Here comes the quest screen, YOU HAVE A WHOLE TWENTY POINTS, HOLY BLACK HOSPITALS ON HIGH CABLES! - Oh, cheerful as usual. - With that many points, you can go beyond human limits in almost all stats!

- Okay, I see. - I closed the system.

- HUH?! WHY DIDN'T YOU UPGRADE ANYTHING?!

- You know how it happens, you go on a quest, and the option that you like is closed for the level of the pass on the characteristic, and all the points you have already pumped? Sadly, you have to replay half the game, at times. So I'll leave it for later, when I need it, maybe.

- But-but. but... but why don't you just pump up intelligence or strength or dexterity?

- Well, if I wanted to get smarter, I'd study more. If I wanted to get physically better, I'd train more. And so, becoming a genius or an athlete on nothing, is it fair? Does it make sense, without effort? I don't know, it's boring to play with absolute cheats, as far as I'm concerned, so why would I want to make and life more boring than it already is?

- ARGH! YOU ARE THE WRONG PROTAGONIST, YOU HAVE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING, WHILE AVOIDING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO ACHIEVE HAPPINESS!!!

Really? But I was kinda happy when I was working at the bookstore and before this whole story got wrapped up, so I don't know.