I am Peter Parker

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***

- Erm... Are you sure you want to go on film in this? - NO-NO-NO-NO-NO!!!

By some miracle, Gina Grey managed to lead me to my room, avoiding meeting anyone on the way, apparently helped by her telepathic abilities. Luckily there was no bum inside, and that was the end of the good news. It was time to meet the actual fashion preferences of the narcissists.

- ...da-da-da-da!!! - who wears a pink jacket on their naked body?! Yeah and those light blue loafers show everything! From the hollows to the bulges. Why did my body decide to take off my underwear?!

- Are you sure? The sneakers aren't a little too plain? - They're black and white, and I can't match the tone. Stop! She doesn't see a problem with anything else?!

- Oh, kitten, realise the simple truth: it's not the clothes that make a person beautiful, it's the clothes that make a person beautiful. That's why I'll look irresistible in any outfit. - then how about something appropriate?

- I don't know. - the teacher was carefully averting her eyes from the tights, which is understandable.

- How so?! - my body froze in shock at the lack of screams of delight. I even felt my heart shudder.

*Clothes rattle*

Obviously, it couldn't change clothes like a healthy person and just ripped the jacket and tights apart. A thought crossed my mind: where the hell did I get the tights and pink jacket in my things?

- О... My... God. Perfect! - The body turned its attention to the suit....

- You're kidding, right? - ...Halloween costume.

**In the dining room**

- Anyway, we've got the main part, which we'll run at the end of the episode. Now, we can safely film the "before" part. - Ripley began her briefing at breakfast.

- ... - thank the gods, my body was quiet. For obvious reasons, but I don't care about them as long as it remains silent and keeps its tongue in its mouth.

- After discussing with the channel and producers, we came to the decision to focus on developing your "friendship" with girls before you date. And yes, Peter, friendship, get it? No romance, much less f-k-kissing. - and why is she suddenly blushing over that word? Has she never shared her asthma? Rubbed her teeth? Putting holes together? No, that's kind of gross. I mean, has she never been kissed? I hope I'm the only one who's thought of that, otherwise one of my closest acquaintances could change that.

- ...How... - Ricardo froze in shock with his fork raised to his mouth, hearing my hoarse-. The languour of my voice. - Talking to the king, Kitten?

Fixing my Pompadour and tilting my black rhinestone-rimmed glasses, I flicked a toothpick over my mouth. I'm not sure if you can guess, but my body's choice was a white Elvis fancy dress..... A rather intimate Elvis costume.

- Speaking of your look, Peter. - finally someone's paying attention, cos I was starting to feel weird, Jude. I don't know if it's gonna do any good, though. I wouldn't mind changing into something appropriate, but my body prefers to change in a way that's too peculiar. - The sneakers look a bit garish.

IT'S THEM AGAIN?! Why are you picking on them, sneakers are the only adequate thing in my outfit!

- Jude.

- Yes, Peter?

- Shh.

Shit, I'm really starting to worry about Ricardo, he hasn't moved for about five minutes and he's looking at me with the eyes of a lost puppy, I'm really hitting a nerve...

- At least Ricardo still has a ways to go.... - he looked gloomily out the window, while I could only shout in my head: don't give up so easily! I'm sure you'll easily outshout me..... Prove that your voice is more languid than mine!

.....

Holy crap.

- Girls, give the boys a tour.

Seriously, why am I having such bad luck lately?

- Like yesterday?

I couldn't have bumped into any random girls this morning, huh?

- Something like that, but collectively. And yes, pretend like yesterday's date didn't happen, okay?

All six girls nodded, casting strange looks at me. Rogue and Ulyana glanced glimpses, and tried not to meet mine. The brown-haired girl tried to concentrate on the briefing, while the blonde pretended pretentiously not to care. Kitty and Roberta, on the other hand, tried to meet my gaze, but automatically averted it. The brown girl lowered her head in embarrassment, and the blonde opposite raised it in a showy manner. Megan and Jubilee glared at me. The pink-haired one looked at me like I was an ice cream cone and she was at a water park on a hot day, and Jubilee.... Her eyes sparkled. Sparkly.

- And yes, let it all happen collectively, try to stick to your date on a date, okay?

.....

After a couple of minutes of walking, I realised how wrong I'd been. These fucking trousers aren't just tight, they're rubbing off on my thighs. They're also made of a particularly stuffy material, which makes my trousers burn.

- P-Peter, are you okay? - Rogue approached me a little timidly. - You don't feel well, your face is so tense....

- I... I have to... Get rid of... From... my trousers. - they're so tight. It used to be a little uncomfortable, but now it's the end of the world.

- ...What's up Ulyana? I'll be right there. - Did someone call for her? Never mind, Rogue's already run off.

.....

Why do I have balls?! That take up space and sweat?!

- ...S-salute, why are you lagging behind? - Ulyana levelled up with me, but didn't look in my direction at all.

- ...Have you ever struggled with the heat in your trousers?

- Э?.. - she turned to me, blushing thickly. - Wh-wh-wh-what are you g-g-g-saying?! Is this from that kiss?! Because of me?!

- Н-...

- Stop! Not now! We'll talk later! - In a hurry, she ran forwards, leaving me behind with an overheated sauna below my waist.

.....

I wish I'd been born Scottish.... The kilt looks like a handy wardrobe staple.

- W-listen. - Wh-why does w-why does every girl stutter when she talks to me? Kitty's no exception. - About what happened. I realise you didn't do it on purpose and that Jubilee's wrong about you calling you a lewd pervert.

- That's great, that's good to hear. - I put my hands on her shoulders. - Now let's swap bottoms, take off your skirt!

- ... - In silence, eyes wide open and unblinking, Kitty backed up and caught up with the others.

.....

Why haven't I taken my bottoms off and walked proudly in my sweat-wet knickers? Well, for one thing, it's stuck together so badly that I'm not sure I can get out of my trousers on my own without someone else's help or tools. And secondly, every time I lean against the wall in pain....

*[Whistling]

Roberta mimics a construction worker, giving my, exposed arse an audible compliment. From that the effects of womanising and narcissism overpower honesty, continuing my misery.

.....

What kind of monster invented these trousers anyway? Doesn't the Geneva convention forbid human torture?!

- P-Peter, are you okay? You look pale. - Are they taking turns coming at me? Like some web novel for reader convenience or a passing gag....

- Life is pain... - I agree, my lips.

- W-what? N-I don't know what's troubling you, but you have to remain optimistic and look on the bright side of things. - replied the Fey energetically, being red up to her elven earlobes.

- Believe me, the pain I have in my trousers has no bright side.

- Э?.. - she froze with the same blank expression on her face that Kitty had had a few minutes ago, but unlike her, Megan didn't retreat. On the contrary, she returned to her bright face a few seconds later. - Size doesn't matter!

- ... - but I had acquired an absent look and expression.

.....

- So, when are you coming?! - I shouted a dozen metres down the hall.

- ?! - to the girl who gave me a misunderstanding smile of a mass murderer and scarlet flashes in the palm of her hand.

- N-nothing. - I think my pain in my trousers has been somewhat compressed.

.....

The hall proved to be only the beginning. There were two more ahead, followed by a gorgeous walk outside, with rolling hills and bright sunshine deciding to remind us of summer on this autumn day.

Anyway, we reached a cube-shaped building, inside which we entered a strange room covered in monochrome black slabs that looked like solar panels. After a short talk about precautions, the guys, the host and the film crew and I were seated in a safe section.

This building was the simulation range. Apparently it was action time. I get to see the girls' abilities in their training suits and their teamwork as part of the X-Men.

*♪ There's a giant iron robot ♪

The only problem is two things.

- Aghaah!

Is that their suits are pretty revealing.

*Explosions.

And I'm wearing the womaniser effect.

- Mm-hmm!

So the only things I'm looking at are breasts, arse and legs.

- Distraction!

- Got it!

I'm not sure why, but Rogue and Megan's butts are pretty hard to follow, and the angles are pretty unusual, like they're either posing or falling over. Anyway... I've got nothing else to do, so shall I at least describe them? The brown haired girl has a rather voluminous sirloin, but it's in normal proportions, even erotic. Megan's isn't as prominent, but she looks as tantalising as a football suddenly appearing in the middle of the street....

Am I thinking about kicking her arse? I think I'm on my way.

- Let's stop him from attacking!

It's hard to tell what's going on there with the robot, whether they're winning or losing, but Ulyana has very straight and long legs, like a reference ballerina.

- Okay...

Kitty, with her small stature, could not have long legs, but the curves and lines of the transition to the hips are extremely smooth and emphasise the right places.

- Attack!

Exclusively because of the line of the bluish light falling down, and the effect, I couldn't take my eyes off Roberta's size four. Though I wondered where the light was coming from that softly emphasised her bust.

- Let's get him, girls!

Once again, purely for the reasons mentioned above, I was admiring Jubilee's tight, size three breasts, standing out brightly even in the light of the multi-coloured sparks.

Although, come to think of it, how do I even know what's a size three and what's a size four? Maybe Roberta has a third that's on the verge of being a fourth? Or Jubilee's an unripe fourth, so to speak? And anyway, there's probably more than one system of measurement in breast size, which raises the gravity of the issue of measuring by eye, doesn't it? I wonder if there is a system that recognises the largest size as the first, and labels the rest as fake; flat earth theory so to speak, but in regards to boobs...

*explosion*

While I was pondering the scale of the spheres, the robot disappeared and the girls were given a round of applause. As they stood embarrassed by the guys' attention, throwing occasional glances in my direction, I thought to myself:

- "Thank goodness, so far it's not going so badly and we can even exhale calmly..."

*explosion*

Suddenly, however, a wall in the building exploded, followed by sirens and alerts going off.

- Attention the school has been attacked, please all take shelter in the nearest safe place, as far away from the battle ground as possible!

Haa... Why am I so unlucky, huh?!