I am Peter Parker

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***

While the image of Penny in a heroine's costume was still lingering in my mind, along with the positive prospects of alcoholism, I received a series of messages on my phone from my aunts. Beginning with congratulations on getting on their favourite show and chiding me for hiding my, in their words, greatest achievement in life from them.

- ...Why is it that with every moment of existence, the prospect of alcoholism becomes more and more disposable?...?

The next episode began with an invitation to watch the debut episode as a family, and ended with an order for milk and eggs. Did I give my consent to go in? No. I barely had time to read a message from one of my aunts before another one was following.

Okay, it's been a while since I've seen my aunts, and I miss them, so I might as well go visit. Though I didn't feel like going out with Penny after what had happened, with her walking around in her superhero costume and all that crazy talk about getting married.

*(beeping)

- "Peter, why aren't you answering? Is it so hard to get milk and eggs or something?"

- And why, instead of my nephew's warm feelings, do I have the courier's righteous desire to drop the delivery on my heart...?

Okay, that'll be tomorrow, but today I have to go home and rest in silence from the utter confusion of the week.

.....

- Quiet...

- Mm-hmm!

- Ah! Nipple!

And how did my desire to rest in silence turn out to be me lying pinned to Sabretooth's chest in the bushes of my own house? I'm not sure, but I think it has something to do with what's going on outside the window.....

** Outside the window, inside Parker's house**

- Thanks for the coffee? - staring intently at her surroundings, Mary Jane took the cup from the stranger's hands.

- What's wrong? You sound weird, and your eyes are going back and forth?

- Peter. I've been hearing women's voices coming from your house for the last couple of days, and they're clearly not Penny's or your aunts'. - MJ stared at the guy with hard-to-intelligible but clearly seething emotions.

Mystique, who was pretending to be Parker, immediately broke out in a cold sweat. She didn't understand what was so strange about a young man taking girls to his place, especially one as assertive in his advances as Peter. However, if it wasn't strange, then the topic didn't come up, which Mystique understood.

- Oh... - The epiphany came and Mystique snapped her fingers, giving a deliberately playboy smile. - I sometimes have female classmates who fall behind in their subjects come to me and ask me to help tutor them properly. You have nothing to worry about.

Mystique moved over to Mary Jane on the couch, resting her head slyly on her fist and lowering her voice. Her lies came from those literatures she'd discovered dusting the attic.

- Oh, really...? - MJ averted her gaze at her mate's unaccustomed insistence, Mystique, however, understood it in her own way.

- You don't have to worry. - She ran a gentle hand through her fiery hair.

- N-I guess... - Mary Jane blushed. - By the way, I didn't know you'd taken up helping with your studies, all of a sudden for the always-busy, part-time Mr Parker.

- Yeah. Recently. - Peter's face paled dramatically, and Mystique was getting less and less aware of the nature of what she was playing.

The truth was that Mystique thought Mary Jane was not just Peter's neighbour, but one of his 'kittens'. She planned to stir up the atmosphere and then abruptly cite a headache, lack of mood and escort the girl out, who clearly wouldn't be bothered to pick up on the oddities.

- That's great! - And judging by her eyes, Mystique had succeeded in igniting a fire in Miss Watson, but it did not smell of love passion. - Will you pull me up, then?! I want you to pull me up so hard, I want you to blow your brains out.

- Um. - There was less and less room on the couch for Peter, MJ was pushing him harder and harder, and the look on his excited face was making Mystique uncomfortable.

- If you help me, I'll definitely get my grades up and maybe Mum will let me play on stage! - Peter was already on the armrest by this point. - You remember I told you this was my dream! Like when we played doctor!

- What kind of doctor did we play?!

- A psychiatrist, of course! - Mystique slapped herself on the forehead, then fell off the couch and onto the floor. - Look, I can't pay you much, mum's cut my allowance, and then there's make-up and clothes.... But I can work it off! I'll cook for you, I'll clean the house, just tell me how I'll work.

- Whew! Well, I did a good job yesterday, didn't I? - talking about cleaning the landlord's computer from viruses and dust as payment for living, Piro came downstairs, having come out of the shower after a late rise, wearing only a towel.

- Tayu...

For five minutes Mary Jane and Simone stared at each other unblinking and unthinking of what was happening, the towel had time to fall, the face under the red hair to redden, and the mimic to put her hands over her face and stretch her eyelids.

- P-P-Peter...? T-That's not how I agree to work out....

- It's not what you think! - Mystique screamed in a panic. - She was talking about... She was talking about--

- Sex! - realising the situation in her own way, shouted Pyro. - Peter and I sleep together, so I'm not a suspicious person at all and my being here is perfectly legal.

- Who do you think you are to lay hands on him?!

- А?.. - Mystique raised her eyebrows.

- Oh... - Pyro froze in fright.

- What...? - Mary Jane opened her mouth in surprise and shifted her gaze to the window, from the opposite side of which was shouting.

**Beyond the window. Outside Parker's house. A few minutes before**.

Stepping out onto the porch of her new home, swishing her shiny black hair, the young girl with the mug decided to walk along the fence, admiring the flowers that grew along it. The binoculars in her hands, as well as the window of the neighbour's house facing her direction, were coincidental coincidences.

- I'm going to have him on my doorstep. - apparently speaking to the shabby chrysanthemum at her feet, the girl was looking through the binoculars while drinking coffee from a large mug.

A blonde woman in a single towel began to descend the stairs of the house opposite, something that quite by accident caught the brunette's eye and stole all her attention, making her clench her teeth tightly together.

- She's as flat as me, so why...? - The unpleasant memories made her proceed to rub her tightly clenched teeth together.

- Ahhh...

Suddenly, from the direction of the bushes perpendicular to the ones the brunette was standing behind, someone's moans began to come from the bushes. Obviously, being an ardent privacy advocate, she couldn't ignore those who were violating Peter's privacy. Whoever it was, it wasn't like they'd bought the house next door, which would legalise casual observation of a neighbour changing clothes or taking a shower...

- Э... - from what she saw through the binoculars, the brunette's mug fell out of her hands, dousing not only the droopy but also the burnt chrysanthemum now.

In the bushes she expected to see a girl clearly obsessed with Parker. The first part of the expectation was fulfilled, the girl was there, unexpectedly large, but she wasn't rummaging through Parker's rubbish or mail, she wasn't taking pictures or looking at him through binoculars, she wasn't behaving like an ordinary stalker. On the contrary, she was busy in the bushes.....

- Ahmmm. H-hot.

Misbehaviour with a man who clutched at her chest like a wild animal, frantically ready to leap into action.

- Not... Over there...

The guy rested his knee on the girl's crotch, the player who was clearly seeking to dominate, either pressing hard or rubbing affectionately.

- Mnhmmmm!

He even waved his hands, skilfully using the ancient techniques of African shamans to excite women and summon rain.

- Nmnmmmmm...

While the girl's face was consumed by the burning redness, the guy's face went beyond sexuality and physiology, turning blue.

- Wait... Isn't that... - After examining the guy's face, the brunette suddenly became enraged. - Who do you think you are to put your hands on him?!

With that, she jumped over the fence and headed towards the neighbour who was having an active sex life in his yard, in the bushes.

**Mystic**

After a shout from the neighbours side, I abruptly glanced in the direction where Sabretooth and Parker were hiding, afraid that they might have come out of hiding.

- Ughhh... - I blurted out when both of them were still in the same spot they had been a few minutes ago.

- Hey Peter, some girl jumped over the neighbour's fence to you. - relief faded as Mary Jane yanked my arm in alarm.

- A cop?! - Shaking her head from side to side, Pyro completely forgot about the fallen towel and conspiracy.

- Ah, no... And she's not going to the door, either. - When Mary Jane tried to turn her head towards the window where the real Parker could be seen, I jumped up, blocking her view. - Peter, step back...

- I need to tell you! - grabbed her head in a last line of defence.

- Tell me what? - I wish I knew! - Peter, what's the matter, you're all sweaty and your eyes are so worried. Are you in trouble?

- N-no, not at all, nothing like that! - Think, ginger head, think!

- And she mentioned the police. - It's not her red head, it's mine.

Pyro help me out, at times like this, usually useless and empty-headed characters save the day!

- Police?! - In a not at all incriminating manner, she jumped behind the sofa, hiding the top of her head with her hands.

- I knew it! All your behaviour today was not like you at all! - While I was breaking a seventh of a sweat, Mary Jane hugged me tightly around the shoulders. It didn't look like much, for she did it from a position where I was holding her, but the gesture was still eloquent. - Don't be afraid of anything, Peter, please trust me and tell me what is happening to you!

In an attempt to find a solution, or at least salvation, I glanced furtively in the direction of the real Parker...

**The real Parker**

Opening my eyes, finally freed from Hairy's grip, I was a little taken aback by what I saw.

- Oh, new guy, you must have a lot of questions? - A guy in a white coat asked me in a queue of people in similar coats against a solid white space.

Yeah, come on... Am I dead again?

Well, maybe I'll be sent to heaven this time, since the problem before was that I died a virgin because of a fallen fir tree, now I've been strangled with my breasts, which is progress, right? Maybe it'll work out.

- I know this might shock you... - the guy in front put his hands on my shoulders and squeezed me tight. - But you're dead.

- Yeah, I know, it wouldn't be the first time. - After saying that, my companion changed his face and stopped talking, our conversation came to an end, leaving me to think about whether they would let me out of the queue if I just asked?

.....

They didn't. I didn't ask though, having enjoyed the peace of waiting for my queue.

- Hmm... Peter Parker, right? - The girl with the wings at the check-in desk asked me.

- Sort of? - I couldn't remember my name from my first life, I just remembered that it was pretty damn original and cool, and probably didn't start with a "P".

- Hmm. Maybe you'd better get in the other queue, eh? - I raised an eyebrow at the girl's pitying look. - The thing is, your distributor...

**Eroil**

In the name of folds on bouncy butts during squats, am I dreaming? Are my eyes not deceiving me? The same Peter, virginity 4ever, Parker has finally surrendered to base desires and with a placated face is drowning in tits, throwing off all resistance?!

- Hmmm.... AAAH!

Ugh, the thong peeking out over the denim shorts, he even brought Sabretooth to orgasm! The guy's a real piece of work!

* Knocking on the door *

А? Is there a knock at my door? I'm still on the clock, so it's not too early to go to the bar with the guys. I can't believe I have another customer.

I started looking through my desk for files, distracted by the occasional knock. I like the guy already, he's calm, and he's probably compromising, unlike one late bloomer. I'm not gonna have a problem with him.

- Lem. - Peter Parker? Rising nipples under a swimming costume, weird coincidence, but okay, it's a common name. - Come in?

- Long time no see, how are you? - ...in the name of lollies.

I switched back to watching Peter bring the girl to another orgasm and finally noticed something wrong.

- In the name of loose pyjama trousers on two hard grenades, I should have known right away....

It seems that we, distributors are not able to feel deep feelings like love, and even sexual desire, but it seems that Peter broke through this barrier for me, making me feel an unprecedented longing, as if for the breasts of a girl jumping on a trampoline....

- So that's it. Can I go to heaven now? Or--

- Fuck you. Go back.

With new feelings, I sent Parker back to the eleventh universe, right between Sabretooth's breasts.

...He's going to get a spanking, isn't he? Please...