ALL NOVEL chapter 6
6. A Girl Named Koshiba Himawari
Knock, knock.
I knocked on the door marked ‘Yellow’ the same way I did yesterday.
“Himawari, are you awake? It’s me. Gentles said you haven’t left your room and she’s worried.”
No answer.
“You shouldn’t worry Gentles so much. Can I come in?”
I raise my voice a little, wait about ten seconds, and then open the door. It wasn’t locked.
“Excuse me…”
When I open the door, Himawari is sitting seiza-style right in front of the entrance.
“…”
Himawari sits there motionless, staring at me like a dog that’s been told to stay.
“Um, Himawari?”
Himawari tilts her head as she looks at me. What is she doing?
“Will you say something?”
“Ahem… Good morning, big brother! I was a good boy and waited!”
He cleared his throat once and suddenly started talking in a slightly hoarse voice.
“What’s wrong, big brother? Why are you so surprised… Are you really that surprised that Himawari waited properly as instructed?”
As instructed, don’t tell me.
“Have you been waiting here since I left yesterday?”
“Yes. Didn’t big brother say ‘wait for me’ when he left?”
No, no, no, wait a minute. It’s true that I told her to wait because I would invite her next time, but that obviously meant that I would contact or call her later. Even if it was the same day, it’s been more than 24 hours since then. Wouldn’t it be normal to realize it was a misunderstanding and give up?
“Oh, it’s already evening. It wasn’t good morning. I made a mistake.”
Himawari, who is covering her cheeks with both hands, looking embarrassed, is wearing the exact same clothes as yesterday. Did she wait in front of the entrance without even noticing that?
“Um, sorry Himawari… I meant later when I said I’d invite you next time.”
“Huh? Why are you apologizing, big brother?”
A pure face with a blank expression. Cold sweat ran down my face at that child-like expression.
“Well, because you must have thought I’d be back soon and waited.”
“Big brother came back like this, didn’t you? I’m happy. I intended to wait for big brother for a day, two days, or even a week.”
What do you mean? What is this child saying?
“What are you talking about…”
“I don’t mind how long big brother makes me wait, and I won’t hate or resent big brother even if you don’t come to get me. So please don’t look so troubled?”
“That’s not it, because I didn’t mean to do that.”
“!”
Himawari’s face turned pale at my words.
“I didn’t mean to. D, did I misunderstand the order? I, I’m sorry! It’s different, I didn’t disobey big brother, I just made a mistake. I’m sorry, I’m such a useless sister who can’t understand what big brother means, I’m a worthless child, it can’t be helped if you hate me. It’s my fault for making big brother so troubled. I’m really sorry…”
As if the heart that had barely been formed was crumbling apart, Himawari desperately tried to fix it and started pleading.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me, I’m sorry for being a bad child, I’m sorry for being a useless sister, I’m sorry for being incompetent, I’m sorry for being a piece of trash, I’m sorry for only having a brain that can cause trouble, I’m sorry for having such a cheap body that’s weak, unappealing, and not worth using, even though you tried to give me value, I misunderstood even simple instructions and couldn’t follow them, and I caused you trouble and made you feel bad, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”
“H, Himawari?”
Himawari’s apology, which began to overflow as she knelt, began to belittle Himawari herself, and yet this child continued to look at me with a frightened expression. Her primrose-colored eyes were wide open with resignation, regret, and fear, like a prisoner about to be punished or executed. She was trembling like a puppy, and she was holding her forehead out to me, who was looking down at her.
“…Hit me.”
Her face, turned diagonally upwards so that I could see it better, was positioned at just the right height for me to swing my fist down.
“Please hit me? You can hit your bad sister who misunderstood the order, right? So please forgive me? Don’t hate me, please, hit me. As much as you want, as many times as you want, until I’ m battered, it’s okay, I’ll tell the doctor that I fell, I won’t leave my room until I’m healed, I won’t bother big brother, please give me another chance, please, please.”
“What are you talking about, Himawari, I’m not going to hit you or anything…”
“Oh, right. It’s not enough to just hit me, is it? Then should I hang myself? Or should I cut my stomach with a cutter? What should I do? What should I do to make big brother forgive me? Please, anything is fine, anything is fine, I’ll do anything, you can hurt me as much as you want, just don’t hate me…”
Her lips were bloodshot as she tried to hold back her tears, and her words, which were clearly dominated by fear, begged for self-discipline. I had been half-convinced until now, but I immediately understood the reality of ‘Yandere’. This love, which is so abnormal and heavy that it would seem like madness to a third party, may or may not come from affection, but Koshiba Himawari… Philance Yellow can definitely be called abnormal.
As if she realized that I was angry when I was confused by her abnormality for the first time, Himawari rolled up her T-shirt with trembling hands.
“You can do it with a knife too? Do you like this, big brother? Will you be nice to me if I do this?”
Her soft-looking abdomen, which had been that of an elementary school student until recently, was covered with numerous scars.
“…Himawari!!”
“Wha?!”
I have no idea when, who, what, or why those painful wounds were inflicted. However, I understood that Himawari was trying to get my forgiveness by making me do the same thing to her as whoever had inflicted those wounds. I felt sorry for her because she was so depressed and pitiful, and I impulsively hugged Himawari as soon as I saw the wound.
“B, big brother…?”
Shaken, the hem of her shirt slips from her hand. Her small, trembling shoulders and slender, frail body don’t seem like those of a hero with such overwhelming strength. Even less so the kind of girl who would beg to be punished for a minor misunderstanding, as if she were torturing herself.
“Um, big brother? What are you doing… this doesn’t hurt at all, so it’s not a punishment?”
Yesterday, Himawari seemed like such a normal, cheerful girl. I don’t understand what triggered this. I was depressed by her abnormality. It would be easy to just blurt out that she shouldn’t say such creepy things and run away, following my instincts.
“Hey, big brother…?”
But what would happen to Himawari if I did that? She might even die. I felt like this little girl didn’t know how to take care of herself. After just a few minutes of interaction, I knew that the best thing I could do was to forgive her.
“It’s okay, Himawari.”
“…Huh?”
“I’m not angry. You don’t have to apologize anymore, I don’t need your forgiveness.”
I’m scared of this girl in front of me who I can’t understand, empathize with, or make sense of. But even if I think that way, I can’t predict what will happen to her based on my words or actions , so all I can think of as an ordinary person is to go along with what she says.
“You waited for me, right? Thank you.”
For now, at least, I have no choice but to play along with this crazy little game of hers.
“Are you really not angry?”
“I’m not angry.”
“You won’t hate me?”
“Of course not. You have to trust me.”
“…Okay, of course I trust you. I would never doubt you, big brother.”
Once she received my forgiveness, Himawari suddenly relaxed and regained her usual gentle expression.
“Thank you for waiting, Himawari. Let’s go get some parfaits together.”
“Okay!”
When I let go of her hand and looked into her eyes again, the girl in front of me was the same ordinary, innocent, cheerful, and slightly mischievous little sister-like Himawari.
Seeing how easily she could go back to normal made me realize her abnormality even more. I realized once again that I had been asked to do something outrageous and had got myself involved in something I wasn’t ready for.
Is this what is expected of me as Philance Blue? I have no confidence that I can do any of this, but for now, I have to focus on getting through this situation.