I Was Sick of Loving You

19 – (Side story) The day you left, I realized love.

My husband died today.

The deceased husband is sleeping in the bed.

stroke his cheek

cold. It’s too cold.

brush his hair

The dead white hair is disheveled without power.

I hold the hand that always reached out to me.

It’s rough and cold.

It was so warm, but now it’s so cold.

Rain falls on him who has fallen asleep.

One drop or two permeates apart.

When it rains, how can I avoid it?

Yes, you didn’t always avoid the rain.

Every time it rains, you bring an umbrella and put it on me, and you wet my shoulders.

And always had a happy smile. You can’t see that smile now.

I brushed his lips that always smiled.

The lips that were warm and soft are now cold and hard.

Those lips look terribly lonely, so I try to kiss them.

I can’t feel your warmth, the sound of your heart, or your breathing that I felt every time we kissed.

It’s natural, but since he died, it’s natural… I can’t accept it.

The raindrops, which fell one or two drops at a time, became thicker.

You’ll catch a cold here, so let’s go home.

I hug him who doesn’t move even if I call him.

How light… You are not a warrior. Why did you become so dry?

wake up! Let’s train again. It will be hard with a broken body, but get up because I will help you.

Please… Please wake up.

Why can’t I get up and lie down?

Is it because you’re tired or because you’re tired?

Whatever it is, I will help you, so just get up once.

Just like you helped me, I’ll help you, so stop fooling around and get up.

Cool he doesn’t wake up. He doesn’t wake up even though he listens to whatever I say.

Ah… really, really gone. you have gone away

I didn’t feel anything when I heard that you died, but why am I in so much pain now?

I threw away all the useless feelings and lost them. Why do you come back and hurt me.

I don’t know. I don’t know…

I’d rather not have been in pain if I didn’t have feelings.

The pain born from the emotions that came back breaks me, and I can’t get out of this pain I’m experiencing for the first time and I just cry.

I shouldn’t be like this, I have so many things to do… I’m in so much pain I can’t leave your side.

I cried for a while while holding on to him who left the pain inside.

“Mother… it’s about time.”

Wiping away tears at the words of her son from behind, she carefully holds him in her arms.

“Yes, let’s go.”

I go to say goodbye to him, along with the messed up kids with red, swollen eyes.

Heads to the garden he loved when he was alive.

His favorite garden was filled with vassals and servants. A black coffin was placed in the center, and a priest stood next to it.

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Lay him in a cold-looking coffin, and fall a little.

The priest makes the sign of the cross toward him once, and offers a prayer.

The sound of the prayer was refreshing, but I didn’t want to hear it, so I covered my ears.

After the unpleasant sound of prayer, the priest draws the sign of the cross, and yellow flames rise from the coffin.

the way he wanted

Burn the body, and scatter the remaining bone meal in the garden…

Yeah… just the way he wanted it. It burns as he pleases.

You… are on fire.

I approach you who are burning.

As I approach him, my son grabs me.

“Let go.”

“Mother…”

“Let go! Isn’t he burning, you have to save him!”

My daughter comes and hugs me. Water flows from children’s eyes. It hurts to see them, it hurts to the point where I can’t stand it alone, so I embrace the children and let go of the pain.

The sound of sobbing spreads through the quiet garden. Sobs lead to other sobs.

The garden was filled with the sound of burning and sobbing.

Over time, the burning sound that had been buried in sobs disappeared.

The priest holds out a small jar to me.

The jar he received was too light and too heavy to contain him.

Holding him dearly, I walk to the flower garden he used to tend.

There was nothing in the flower field that we arrived at while stepping on sobs.

We must sow him in the flower fields where not even a trace of him remains…

My hands are shaking.

Children hold trembling hands. I can feel the trembling in the hands of the children who are holding it.

We take him in our hands with trembling hands. Hold him in your hand and feel him.

It is so light. The last handful left after one person leaves is so light that you don’t feel it is in your hand.

Even though I hate that feeling so much, I hold my hand because I don’t want to let it go.

I hold my hand, but the wind blows and he slips out of my hand. Only he escapes riding on the wind, the image of him leaving is too small to be seen.

It hurts because saying goodbye to him is so futile.

It hurts, but I have to let go, so I open my hands. He who remains rides away on the wind.

It leaves without a handful left in my hand. he left us

Having sent him away, he must return. There is a lot to do.

By the way, your feet don’t come off.

After watching the place I left there for a while, I returned to the office.

The aides begged me to rest, but I went, because I took on the name of Brandt. can’t rest should not rest You must fulfill your responsibilities and obligations.

I harden my heart and look at the documents, but I can’t get my hands on the work.

I can’t get my hands on work, so I blankly stare into space.

Tears flow again. I let him go, but the pain does not go away and only grows.

I can’t stand it anymore, so I run out of the office.

As I ran without thinking, I came to the room he used before being kicked out of the annex.

Open the door and enter the room.

He hadn’t been there for a long time, but the room was full of traces of him.

Among the traces, the alcohol he enjoyed drinking stands out. I remembered what he said, saying that drinking lessens the pain, and poured it into my mouth.

My throat is hot and it stings. The feeling was terrible, but as long as I could lessen the maddening pain, that’s okay.

When all the alcohol is poured in, the spirit of alcohol rises.

The spirit of alcohol rises, but the pain does not lessen. Rather, more tears flowed.

After giving myself over to the alcohol and crying for a long time, I felt a little, a little bit better.

I see a portrait in my eyes. A family portrait artist who painted at his request.

Since the children were young, the portrait of the small children, him holding the children in his arms, and me with an expressionless face…

Seeing him as a young man in the portrait reminds me of my meeting with him.

The image of him, nervous and stuttering at the first meeting, flashes by. How funny was that…

I threw my sword at him who was so nervous and sparred.

When he pulled out his sword, his nervousness disappeared, and his serious appearance wasn’t bad. The eyes that were shining as they crossed swords weren’t bad. Even though defeat was right in front of my eyes, it wasn’t bad to not give up.

I liked the way he smiled after the sparring.

However, I ignored it because I learned that emotions are a burden and a weakness. It just ‘wasn’t bad.’ It was over with that one word.

The next time we met, his skills improved a lot. I liked it because I felt like I was whipping myself and constantly training myself.

I liked the way he got married and sought to learn from anyone if there was something he could learn from.

I liked him for valuing discipline while blaming himself for the mistakes of his subordinates instead of scolding them.

Even though he was in a position where he could stay still, it was good that he constantly trained and did not back down from the forefront when subjugating barbarians.

It bothered me when I saw him getting hurt because he didn’t care. I was concerned about his appearance as he killed the savage and felt guilty.

I was worried about him, but I liked him, but I liked him, but I threw away those feelings because he was heavy, and it could be a weakness.

And after some time, Evan was born. The child born in the pain of a torn stomach was very lovely, and the child who could not even receive love from its mother was pitiful.

After Evan was born, the curse completely consumed me. I felt at ease. You no longer have to worry about your emotions.

I lived in such a faded world. As time passed, the curse began to grow on the children as well.

From then on, I instilled in my children the words I had heard from my father.

Emotions are useless. worthless It’s just a weakness. It will disappear anyway.

The children did not fully understand the words, but they accepted them.

A little time passed after that, and he stopped training and lived in the library. Then, one day, he left a letter with the words “I will definitely lift the curse” and started wandering the world.

Thinking back on it, he’s a really stupid man. What is so good, what we who have lost our emotions like, do we care so much.

Such a foolish man tried all sorts of ways and did not give up even after failing. It must have been exhausting and exhausting, but I did not give up.

He seemed foolish to see him come back injured every time, so he locked him up in the annex. And as time passed, we met today.

And it wasn’t until today that I found out about his love. I found my lost heart.

His love for not giving up on us, no matter how hard or painful it was, hurts so much.

It hurts so much because I knew that my heart that I ignored, erased, and lost was love.

I struggled with pain like that, and longing came. Regrets came.

I miss his warmth. i miss his laugh miss his love I miss him who has permeated so deeply into my life.

I should have admitted the feelings I felt for him, I should have said a warm word to him, I should have recognized his pain, I should have told him I love him.

It’s too late.

In longing and regret, I belatedly call out his name.

On the day he left, I call out to find him in his tracks.

No matter how much I cry, his voice is not heard.

That fact strangles me, and the longing and regret grow bigger.

Unable to bear such feelings, he visits the annex where he lived.

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Looking for his warmth in the cold, desolate outbuilding.

His warmth is not here.

The fact is so cold, I look back at the last post he left.

「To my dear Iris, Evan, and Ellie

I write down what I want to say because my life ends here.

There were many things in my life, but there was no day as happy as the day Iris met you, the day I married you, the day Evan was born, the day Ellie was born.

There were bad things after that, but I was able to cheer up because of those days.

I still feel happy when I think of those days. So do not pity me. don’t feel sorry for me

You may not feel it because of the curse, but I still wanted to tell you. I wrote down my hopes, drawing on the day when a miracle would happen and you guys would be sad.

I know that won’t happen, but I can’t give up hope.

I’m sorry for being such a foolish, stupid husband and father. And I love you.

Even if I die, I will pray that your curse will be lifted and that spring will come and you will be happy.”

The foolish, foolish man’s words hurt so much that they make me cry again…

How can you not feel sorry for me?

How can you not be sorry?

How can spring come to a world without you?

How can I… be happy without you?

please don’t say that As much as the last, just think of your happiness. please…

If there is a next life, I hope this foolish, stupid, lovely man lives a happy life.

On the day he realized love, I wish him happiness.