I Was Sick of Loving You

6 – let go

The day I hugged him, I stayed up all night struggling with shame.

I don’t know why emotions aren’t the subject.

I killed my emotions because I was taught that emotions are useless and a weakness… After getting involved with that man, I can’t control my emotions.

At first, I was annoyed and angry at every single action of the man.

Unable to overcome those feelings, he was swayed by them and made a big mistake with him. Since then, there has been a burden in my heart.

I went to him to apologize to put the burden away. Seeing him smelling the scent of yellow tulips with a sad expression on his face, he seemed to be overlapping something with him with an unknown emotion, so he couldn’t say anything and just stared blankly at him.

When I caught him leaving me like that and couldn’t control my strength and pulled him to sit down, I felt an unbearable shame.

Every emotion I felt after meeting him is a weakness.

I hated that increasing my weaknesses seemed to point out that I was still lacking.

So I just apologized to the man and tried to go back, but every time I see him, I can’t open my mouth thinking of myself hugging him.

I barely embraced her, so why is my inner self fluctuating so much?

I don’t know. So even now, I can’t tell him and I’m just watching.

A sigh comes out.

It’s pitiful to see myself so impatient with my inability to control my emotions, and it’s frustrating to not know my father’s intentions in choosing a man who stimulates my emotions so much as my fiancé.

He taught me like brainwashing that emotions are useless and that they are weak, but he…

Do you want me to be able to control my emotions in any situation, or am I just delusion of grandeur when I don’t mean anything?

Because I am not my father, I do not know his intentions.

However, these weaknesses need to be trimmed. If you can’t cut it off, you can’t bear the weight of the name Brandt. Again, as a warrior, he would be disqualified.

So you have to cut it.

Apologize to him, get away from him, kill your feelings again, and it will work out.

I thought so and approached him. A thought runs through my head.

What if he doesn’t accept the apology?

Ominous thoughts creep up on you in the first situation.

if you don’t accept the apology. Wouldn’t the burden left in my heart grab my ankle?

Wouldn’t it be that you can’t cut out your weakness by rooting in a corner of your heart?

“What are you doing?”

As soon as he appeared before my eyes, ominous thoughts exploded in my head, and I couldn’t find anything to say.

“That… nothing.”

My mind was shaken by an ominous thought, and I flinched and fled.

After repeating this a few times, it started to go up and down in the mouths of the maids who followed in the family.

“Guys, did you see the princess and Sir Alic?”

“I saw it. Seeing Sir Alik, he blushes and runs away. It’s the first time I’ve seen him like that.”

“So. It was so cute to see someone with the appearance of a wooden and stone figure like a girl in love.”

The chatter of the maids, whose hearing is close to the limit of human beings, is annoying. I feel like I want to say something, but I’ve learned that it’s not good to tighten people down too much, so I just ignore it, close my ears, and burrow into the futon.

Feel the soft blanket and calm your mind.

smart

“Are you in the princess?”

A knock and his voice are heard.

I can’t control my thoughts and mind yet, so I pretend I don’t have it because I’m afraid I’ll repeat the same thing again when I see him.

After waiting for a while, the end of the envelope comes through the crack in the door.

I wait until I can’t hear his footsteps, open the door slightly, pick up the envelope and open it.

“I want to have a sincere conversation tonight, so please come out to the garden where we met on the first night.”

honest conversation…

Yes, it can never be avoided. can’t escape

Aren’t I also a warrior, the heir to the proud Duke of Brandt?

We have to move forward.

Take care of your heart and prepare for the night.

The moon rises and it becomes night and goes to the garden.

He came to the garden first to drink, and his mood was different from usual.

It doesn’t look like a mixture of pretense, but a bleak atmosphere lingers.

What is he preparing for this place to say, and is he embracing that kind of atmosphere?

He welcomes me and passes me a full glass.

This time, he offers a drink, saying that he prepared the story in his own way.

The drink he recommended was similar to the drink his father always had in his hand.

Pour that drink into your mouth. The bitter, pungent taste torments the mouth and throat with a burning sensation.

I didn’t want to drink more because of the unpleasant taste, but when he said that I would get used to it, I forced myself to drink another glass.

The unpleasant taste only gets stronger. I don’t understand how you can get used to this.

He smiled and said that he drank well the first time he drank it, pouring it again and recommending it, and for a moment I wondered if he was playing tricks.

Seeing as he drinks this strong drink like water, I don’t think that’s the case.

I said this was his way, so I endured it and forcibly passed another glass, then passed it the wrong way and my lungs screamed over and over again.

After barely calming down his screaming lungs, he opened the door to the story, saying that since the alcohol was in, let’s talk a little more comfortably.

“I was wondering that you seemed to have something you wanted to say to me these past few days, could you please tell me?”

My heart skips a beat at the question he comes in right away, but when I tell him the truth, he says he doesn’t care, and when I see him laughing at me, the burden in my heart grows a little bigger.

I was more sorry for the fact that I almost hurt someone like that by using an aura without saying anything, so I tried to apologize again, but he put a glass of wine in my mouth.

“If you’re really sorry, you can have another drink.”

Take a drink at the words.

At his words, the burden of the heart disappears.

Maybe that’s why alcohol doesn’t make me feel bad like the first time, and I laughed a little because it lifted my mood along with the hot heat.

He stares blankly at me like this, and then darkness falls over his face.

He took one drink after another, and water trickled down from his eyes of unknown depth, with a complicated expression of sadness.

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Looking at those tears, my hands go out before I thought. My hand wipes his flowing tears.

His hot tears, his body temperature, his sad-looking expression knock on my heart, and something unknown overlaps with him.

“It’s okay because it’s just alcohol.”

He said so, but it doesn’t look all right.

“Rather than that, there is something I must ask the Princess.”

There was sadness in his voice, as well as an unfathomable darkness.

“Is it true that the blood relatives of the Duke of Brandt are cursed and gradually become unable to feel emotions?”

It is doubtful that he knows the story that is passed down only to members of the imperial family and family, but rather than that, his collapsing expression and question overlap make something clear.

What became clearer was the image of her mother, whom she had abandoned along with her emotions.

His sad expression is the same as his mother’s.

It looks so painful that I can’t answer.

“You don’t have to answer. The answer was good enough.”

After he says that, he kicks out of his seat and leaves.

I thought I would regret it if I didn’t catch him now, so I grabbed him, but he cut off my hand.

“I cannot live with a person without feelings. I want to break off the engagement.”

Those words echo in your head.

“How did you fall in love with and marry someone with no feelings like that?”

The voice of the mother who cried sadly echoes together. The mother who had to let go seems to overlap with him.

The cries of her mother, who went crazy and was confined to the annex, echoes in her head.

My head hurts like it’s going to explode from the sound of crying, but I can’t sit still.

I can’t do anything like my mother, I can’t let him go.

I forcibly move my body at the thought of chasing him, and run with the traces of tears he shed as milestones.

After a long tear, he sits down and cries until the world collapses.

I don’t know what he sees in me that makes him so sad, but when I see him, the walls I’ve built in my heart come crashing down, and the painful feelings I abandoned for the first time after my mother died overflowed.

The sadness that I had thrown away because it hurt so much flooded me, dyed everything in me and cried out.

I want to convey this feeling, the feeling I couldn’t convey to my mother, to him who is in pain just like my mother.

I want to comfort him when he is crying. I want to hug him and cry with him. I want to let go of this painful feeling together. I want to warm the pain that hurts so much with his warmth, but I can’t.

I can’t comfort him I can’t hug him and cry with him. I can’t let go of this painful feeling. The pain that hurts so much can’t be warmed up with his warmth.

he’s sick of me you’re sad because of me

If we do it together, we will be ruined like mother.

can’t be together

he doesn’t want me

He only wants me to break up the marriage.

I can’t be with him when the feelings are gone.

can’t get along with him

That fact hurts me even more.

Even though the pain soaks everything in me, it is not enough, and it flows down along with the tears.

I hate myself for having to get rid of my emotions.

I hate my mother and my blood that hurts her.

Still, I long for him.

I crave his warm body temperature once again.

I want to connect with him, but I have to endure it. now i have to let go

If you hold on to it forcibly, you will break down like your mother, so wait… just a little while, I’ll let him go and come back.

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Like my mother, I will never let you go.

It’s the first broken heart in my life, but it won’t end just like that.

I will break the curse and bring him back.

So, for now, I’ll keep my eyes on him a little longer…

I put him in my heart from afar until he shakes off his sorrow, his tears.