I Was Sick of Loving You

89 – (Side story) End and Beginning

A lonely room in the annex that my father used to use.

There, waiting for the end of life.

It’s been too long.

90 years. It was too long for people to live.

Someone called such a long time a blessing.

I said it was something to celebrate.

it’s bullshit

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Living on the remnants of a curse, how can that be a blessing?

How can the time spent clinging to a broken heart be a blessing?

It’s just a curse that makes me suffer.

It’s okay though.

Now that time will be over, so that’s okay.

Thinking so, I closed my eyes, but rest did not come.

The pitiful body screams as if it will die at any moment, but this tough life does not end.

that’s painful

As that painful time continued, the sound of footsteps was heard.

The sound of footsteps came closer and stopped in front of the door. The footsteps stopped, and there was a knock on the door.

“Father, I am.”

“I want to be alone, so go back.”

The adopted son came to visit, but he did not want to see anyone, so he ordered a celebration. A congratulatory order was issued, but the presence at the door did not disappear.

he’s a fool What else is coming to the adoptive father who has never given affection?

Knowing that such a fool would return after waiting for a long time without speaking again, he opened his heavy mouth.

“Come in.”

The rugged door opened, and a middle-aged son with a neatly grown brown beard entered.

“Father, are you okay?”

“yes.”

I’m not at peace, but I lied. I said that because I didn’t want to become a burden to that foolish fool’s heart.

“What did you come for?”

“Does a son need a reason to visit his father?”

Why is that stupid fool talking like that? I didn’t give anything away as a father. I just adopted you because I didn’t want to inherit the curse, didn’t get married, and didn’t have children. you are looking for a father in me

“Yeah, I don’t need a reason.”

After those words, silence came. It was like this every time. At least the conversation we had was about work, so there’s nothing to say in private like this. Even so, the fool who comes is strange, but not hateful.

This guy’s feelings are always incomprehensible.

All my life I lived on the residue of guilt and pain, though I never felt anything else. It’s only when you die that you feel each one.

It is bittersweet.

In that kind of heart, I looked at the fool who was looking for my father. The blue eyes of the fool look at me. Every time I look into those eyes, I think of my father.

I was enchanted by those eyes that resembled my father, and I took this foolish bastard. I made that guy, who was an orphan with no ties, my son.

What a stupid story. For that reason, the person who will be the successor in charge of the northern part of the empire is chosen. Thanks to this, he received a lot of opposition from his vassals and knights. So I trained rigorously. so that others do not disagree.

There was nothing in our relationship that could be called affection.

yeah, there wasn’t

It wasn’t until it was time to die. It’s only after you realize that this stupid guy’s appearance is also the last, that you feel affection.

What a fucking life.

It is a life full of curses.

It’s so upsetting. disappointing, disappointing

I feel that way, but what I resent more than that is me, who can’t recognize me even when I have precious things by my side.

damn myself

She resented me like that and looked at her son.

He still doesn’t say anything and just looks at me.

It always has been. He didn’t say any complaints to me, just looked at me quietly.

I can’t understand such a son, but I want to give one last thing called affection.

I want to, but I don’t know how. So I searched for the warm memories of my childhood.

With that thought, I picked up an apple from the basket next to it.

I picked up the apple and peeled it slowly.

“Father, I will do it.”

“Okay. I won’t.”

I restrained my son who was approaching with words, and cut the apple again.

I cut the apple like that, but I couldn’t cut it pretty like my father.

It’s a strange thing. I’m better than my father in swordsmanship, but I’m worse than my father in these things.

Thinking so, I apologized to my son.

“Eat.”

I was trying to speak softer. The already hardened tone could not be softened.

It bothered me.

What bothered her more was her son’s shaking eyes.

“I’m going to drop my arm.”

Another blunt word came out of his mouth. Still, the boy smiled. Seeing that, my heart aches.

I should have done this a long time ago, but I was too careless. I should have given you a little more affection.

I thought so, but time never returns. Regrets always remain as regrets. As my life has been, that fact does not change.

But there is still time left, so there is a chance left.

“Son.”

I said it, but it was too awkward and unfamiliar. My son’s eyes widened as if it wasn’t just me.

“You are the head of the Brandt family.”

It sounds so obvious. But it’s something my son must remember.

That foolish son with a puzzled expression should remember forever.

“Although you do not have family blood, you are a member of our family and the head of our family.”

The son erased his puzzled expression and began to listen.

“So don’t be swayed by what others say. Lack of legitimacy, lucky, unqualified. Ignore comments that try to put you down.”

“I will.”

“The reason I handed over the position of head of the family to you is that you deserve it. It is because he has the ability to lead the family well enough. So don’t doubt yourself. Don’t be intimidated. Be proud.”

“I will.”

The son’s voice sounded a bit watery. He is a foolish and weak boy. But don’t worry. Because I know that you always try and make an effort to walk on the right path.

“And keep in mind that you are a member of the Brandt family and my son.”

The word “son” is so unfamiliar. Even so, it may be the last, so you have to be patient. have to tell Since I have only borne a lot of heavy burdens, I have to deliver the last one. I must pass on what I received from my father.

“There was no father-son bond between us, but it does not change that I am your father and you are my son.”

The son simply nodded.

“I have not for a moment regretted making you my son.”

I should have said it a little softer and warmer, but I couldn’t say it that way. The hard and cold way of speaking that has hardened over time does not change until the end.

“If you have any regrets, it’s that I didn’t give you affection.”

“no.”

The son’s wet voice rang a little louder.

“My father has given enough.”

I almost laughed at that statement. I didn’t give anything, how could I give enough?

“My father didn’t feel that way, but to me, the good word and the pat on the head were affectionate.”

I didn’t attach any importance to it. Rewards for those who do well, and punishment for those who do wrong. I just treated my son according to such a natural law. But this foolish son accepted it as a feeling.

If I had known that, I would have praised you a little more.

“So don’t talk like that. Have no regrets.”

The son who said that was proud of himself, and he reached out and stroked his hair.

“Thank you.”

He said thank you for the first time after his father died. I could see water in my son’s eyes, as if such unfamiliar and awkward words had a special meaning to him.

I wanted to say warm words to my warm-hearted and tender son, but I felt that my time was running out. With that feeling, it occurred to me that I did not want to show my son the moment of my death.

“Now go back slowly. There will be many people waiting for you. The head of household is not a place where you can be away for such a long time.”

The son nodded his head instead of answering, as if his throat was choking. The son bowed his head to me and left the room.

Silence came. I could feel my strength draining from the silence.

The long-awaited end is coming, but I have regrets.

It was such a stupid life. It was such a stupid life that I didn’t know what was precious in front of my eyes, and regretted it belatedly.

The last moment of such a life. The thing I miss the most and think of is my father.

A father who gave unending love and lived for us.

I miss my father like that. I miss you and I’m sorry

I am so sorry that I gave my father an indelible wound.

So, if there is such a thing as the afterlife after death, I want to meet my father.

I want to say sorry to my father. I want to say I love you.

I want to convey the words that I have never been able to convey, but have lived with my whole life.

With that thought, my foolish life came to an end.

So I fell into the dark.

The darkness is warmer than you think.

“My Evan is sleeping well.”

“I just ate and fell asleep.”

I heard a voice so familiar and nostalgic.

How can I hear the voices of my father and mother when they are dead? Are you hallucinating? Or is there really an afterlife?

As I was thinking about it, I felt a sense of floating and warmth.

“It seems to have gotten a little heavy in the meantime.”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve grown up, so it’s worth it.”

I tried to open my eyes to those nostalgic voices, but my eyelids are too heavy.

It was too heavy, but I struggled to lift it. As I struggled like that, my heavy eyelids opened and I saw a face I missed.

I saw my father, who looked much younger than I remembered.

My heart ached at that sight, and I couldn’t understand the current situation.

“Is our Evan awake?”

I can’t understand the current situation, but I have to convey what I have to say to my father who is in front of me.

“Aww.”

He struggled to open his mouth, but no words came out, only mumbling.

“Evan, did you ever call me daddy? Honey, did you hear? I just said Evan is my dad.”

“You heard wrong.”

“no. He said it was Dad. Right, Evan?”

The conversation between my father and mother made my head more dizzy. Father calling mother honey. Father and mother talking to each other comfortably. It’s a conversation I don’t know. It’s a look I’ve never seen before. My head is complicated in such a situation.

“look. He doesn’t answer because it’s not Evan.”

“not really. I said it was Dad.”

My head was about to explode, but it was all irrelevant, so I put it away.

It’s okay if this situation is a dream. It may be a fantasy. Even the afterlife is fine.

Just, don’t wake up.

So hopeful and immersed in a warm world.