ALL NOVEL Chapter 55: Failure.
I continued doing push-ups on the muddy ground, anger building up inside of me as a sudden burst of heavy rain came out of nowhere and began pounding into my back in sheets.
‘Each squish just makes me hate this more and more. I get up before the sun rises, to do this! 150 push-ups, are you serious? Where did you even get that number!’
I glared straight ahead, staring her down and gritting my teeth. ‘Still, I'd love to see the look on her face if I actually did it.’
The negative thoughts began taking over my mind, flooding into me again like waves that wouldn't stop crashing. The exercise continued as I kept pushing myself up over and over again until the burning in my arms turned to aching.
The only thing keeping me going was anger. I wanted to prove her wrong. The most I had ever done before was 65, so having her tell me to do three times that number only filled me with more and more anger the longer I struggled towards the goal.
Blood filled my arms until they stopped moving altogether, despite my best efforts I couldn't even do 1 more. halfway up I tried desperately to finish. I didn't want to fail again, to fall short. No matter how outrageous the goal was, I wanted to achieve it.
My arms were shaking, but I kept pushing. It was all I could do to just hold myself there. I gritted my teeth and lowered my head, pushing harder, but it was no use. My hands slipped and my arms collapsed under me, cramping as I took a face full of mud.
With no outlet, my anger slowly turned into sadness. ‘The past three days I actually stayed clean. My body wasn't covered in dirt and mud, and even my hair was straightening out.’
As I lay on the ground, it began to feel like none of that time off meant anything at all. ‘Is this really what my life is like?’ I never let myself compare my two lives, they were too different, and of course, I would like my old one more.
After my three days off though, I had something in this life to compare it to, and it was too fresh in my memory for the sharp contrast to not be at the forefront of my mind.
My face was covered in mud, and it had gotten in my hair. Part of me wanted to cry, while the other part felt nothing at all.
‘All we did was go on a run and do some push-ups. Even if I'm covered in mud I shouldn't be feeling this way… It… Not so bad really…’ My emotions had grabbed onto my mind though, I couldn't win them back over with logic, no matter how hard I tried.
“107, huh.” Mara's voice pulled me out of my thoughts just before I broke into tears. “That's more than last time. We should always take small wins where we can, even if you didn't get all the way to 150.”
‘All the way to 150… Yeah right. If I was on my own, I would have been proud to do 50. Not anymore though… It's hard to be proud of anything I do when it's so far below expectations… Whatever, let's just get this over with.
Managing to get ahold of myself, I pulled myself out of the mud and wiped my hands off, on my pants. “What's next?” I couldn't mask the anger in my voice as I spat out some of the mud that had sloshed into my mouth with the heavy rainfall.
“Stance training. You can start with a 10-minute hold.”
My heart ached, but I got up regardless and squatted down. ‘All I have to do is hold this position for as long as I can… Of everything that we do, this exercise relies far more on mental strength than actual strength. My muscles can hold the position, they are strong enough, it's just a matter of overcoming the pain… If anything, I should be at least good at that by now.’
2 minutes later my legs began burning. Over the next minute, the pain worsened and my muscles began shaking, feeling like I couldn't go on. ‘As long as I can? No… I will do it this time. If it's just a matter of refusing to give up then I can do it.’
‘A stance is held with the muscles in the legs, and when someone “fails” to continue, they usually use those same muscles to come out of the stance, so it stands to reason that they didn't give it their all. Their minds failed before their muscles did. I just need to suppress my reflex to quit.’
3 more minutes passed. Neither Mara nor I said anything, and the rain only continued to fall, but my footing was sure. My feet had grown roots into the ground, and the constant impact from the rain only helped remind me to keep my muscles tightened.
Another 3 minutes passed, and Mara began to narrow her gaze.
‘1 minute left…’ My legs began shaking more and more until it came to the point I doubted you could technically call it “holding” the stance, but I continued. I screamed as long and loud as I could as I made fists with my hands and pounded them into my legs. ‘I will not stop until they fail.’
‘That's 9 minutes and 20 seconds… 9 minutes and 40 seconds… I can do 10…’
The muscles in my legs shut off and I crumpled down into the mud just like before. I wanted to scream again as I rolled over to try and let my legs straighten, but I was already so tired I didn't have any fight left in me.
I closed my eyes and clenched my fists, raising an arm over my eyes and holding back my tears. ‘I already know what she's going to say… Why… Why can't I just do one? I can't even finish a single one!’
“9 minutes and… 52 seconds… You were close that time.”
“What's next…” I was ashamed to admit it, but even I could hear the sound of defeat in my voice.
“It’s a bit early, but I guess you earned some rest. You've been working hard and it's your first day back. Let's get you cleaned up and head back to get some food.”
Chills ran through my body. “Y-Yea… ok.”
It may have sounded like a good thing, but her words actually meant that we were going to the icy cave spring. I was already frozen to the bone and soaking wet, so the thought alone was enough to make my voice shake.
The whole way there Mara kept glancing at me, almost like she wanted to say something. I just stayed quiet though, I didn't want to give her the chance to add in more training, or try to “motivate” me with more of her speeches that just made me want to hit something.
The part that pissed me off the most though, was the fact that I was angry at all. ‘It sucks… but I shouldn't be getting this worked up over it… Whatever, it's almost over.’