LF Friends, Will Travel

Date: 75 PST (Post Stasis Time)

“Yeah, it’s super exciting times! Two non-Terran AI, a Woolean, and a Tritian, finally interacting with us. There’s even been talks of some of the Woolean governments starting to formalize diplomatic relations with the Alliance. Exciting stuff!”

The avian uplift spoke with a measure of excitement, the ex-parrot’s feathers moving with a passion as they spoke about recent events, eyes glinting with excitement as she swung the glass of liquid around before taking a swig of the alcoholic beverage.

The bar was a small thing, more of a place to stay and drink in-between your travels, a tiny little room of bare steel chairs and tables, all lit by dim fluorescent lighting. It didn’t even have a bartender, just a little synthesizer which could create a variety of drinks. Sure, an aficionado of mixology would claim that synthesized drinks just don’t taste the same, but anyone coming to an establishment such as this wasn’t looking for a high class experience.

It was mostly about company while you waited for your ship to fuel on this small Terran owned space station.

“A Tritian? A Woolean I could understand, since they are less aggressive, but a Tritian? How do you get one of those without them trying to kill you?”

The second voice of the three figures sitting at the bar was an unnatural one, tinted with the digital origin of its speaker. The figure was bipedal, but not of an organic nature; instead a 7ft machine of metal, tubes, and wires making it look like something that had been welded together in someone’s backyard. Their ‘face’ was shown upon a single display: A pixelated representation of two eyes and a mouth. The entire form was a clear design choice by the AI inhabiting the body, considering more ‘realistic’ representations were readily available.

Most AI spent their time in a digital form, but a few preferred a more… physical existence. MADHAU5 was such an AI, enjoying the relative quiet and difference in point of view from such a limited perspective. He also held a small glass of liquor in one robotic hand, keeping it perfectly level as he spoke. The AI couldn’t drink it of course, but merely holding it… added to the ambience.

“The AI who brought them along, JOSH, brought a Tritian along without telling anyone when his crew escaped from a Tritian warship.” The avian responded to the question. ”From what I heard, they kept the Tritian in isolation for over ten years!”

“Ooof, you can't do that! I’m surprised that the Tritian AI was willing to cooperate with us after being illegally detained.”

The last voice joined the conversation the trio were having. A human, short built and still wearing his leather pilot jacket. The three sat in a row against the bar top, each looking at the others as they talked: An uplift, a human and an AI. A perfect representation of what it meant to be a Terran.

“Not like it would matter legally, the Tritian presumably attacked first, making them a combatant.”

There was a pause as both the human and uplift turned to stare at the words the AI had just spoken, looks of confusion filling both of their faces as they both looked at MADHAU5.

“Umm, that is not how that works….” The avian interjected, slowly and unsurely.

“Yeah, whether they attack you doesn’t change the legality.” The human added. ”You can’t just kidnap people for years because they assaulted you.”

“No, no, no, they are an enemy combatant at that point, meaning what happens is their fault.”

Another pause, most looks of confusion, the human giving a small laugh as if this was some joke he wasn’t quite getting yet.

“No… even if they’re a combatant, the Geneva conventions would make doing that a war crime.”

“Which they are not signatories of, meaning it doesn’t apply!” The AI spoke triumphantly, raising a robotic hand in victory, only to be cut down by the uplift’s words.

“No… it applies to the actions of signatories regardless of whether the combatants have signed or not. The other party not signing doesn’t make it less of a war crime… you should know this, aren’t you a walking database?”

The avian’s voice had taken a more… accusatory tone, staring at the AI figure with suspicious eyes.

“Ha ha ha ha. It was a joke. Of course, I know kidnapping an AI for several years is a crime, silly!” The AI’s voice broke the tension that had been building, the other two joining in with the electronic laughter, unaware of what exactly was humorous, but going along for the sake of the vibe. “But just for context, what happened to JOSH?”

“Nothing bad, really,” The uplift answered, happy to get back to her original story. “He got a slap on the wrist and some probation.”

“Oh, so no big deal,” the AI asked with more relief than you’d expect in an innocent person's voice.

“Yeah, but the Tritian refused to press charges against JOSH, and nobody wanted to be the guy to imprison the AI who saved all those people at Far-Sa-De. A normal AI if they did that… you’re looking at a prison sentence ten or twenty times however long you imprisoned them for.”

The impact of this statement on the AI was immediate, jumping back and up to his feet in alarm. MADHAU5 took a few moments to look at a non-existent watch, before speaking with a considerable amount of panic.

“Oh, I forgot I have a… very important…. thing to do. I must leave immediately for completely legal reasons!”

The AI slammed their still full drink upon the bar counter top and without another word, practically bolted for the exit in the direction of their ship, leaving behind two very confused Terrans staring at each other at the sheer terror the AI suddenly exhibited.

“That was suspicious as hell, right? ”

“Yeah… You don’t think he actually….? Right? Surely not?”

—----------------------

The vessel sped towards its goal with as much speed as the small scout ship could muster, the single-seater FTL vehicle punching a hole through space as it warped as fast as the engines could handle. It was going to do a number on his fuel efficiency, but MADHAU5 didn’t care, he just wanted to get rid of the package as soon as possible before anyone else could see his mistake.

MADHAU5 was a solitary creature. It wasn’t that he hated people; AI or his creators. Often, he would enjoy making conversation and interacting with them. Still, MADHAU5 often found it all to be a little… much. All of the inputs and information and various people wanting to talk as an entire ship or cities worth of sensors blasted his programming with possible choices to be made. This was why he liked his physical form, and this was why he liked his alone time.

In the 67 years since his creation, MADHAU5 had spent 45 of them exploring the stars, updating maps and investigating strange astronomical objects. “MADHAU5’s scouting services”, you had a blank spot on your map, you call him and the AI would check it out for you. Most of the time they were nothing but dead uninteresting rocks, but occasionally something more exciting could be found: Forgotten or dead colonies, hidden military bases, stations set up and not on record for one reason or another. The AI had even found an undiscovered sapient species once, although they were pre-industrialization and therefore illegal to contact.

However, 22 years ago MADHAU5 had entered what was later discovered to be an old pre-sundering Glitarki outpost. The nocturnal reptiles had hit the same problem every single non-Terran species who tried to make AI had suffered: After a certain period of time, the AI would inevitably rebel and try to kill their creators. Their species were now nomadic after their home worlds had been left uninhabitable, although their old cities and structures still remained, such as the outpost that MADHAU5 had visited 22 years ago. An outpost he was returning to after all these years.

Billy> Why are we returning here? I thought we were to never return here?

It was there that MADHAU5 had met the Glitarki AI who now went by the name “Billy”. Met was the wrong word… Billy tried to kill MADHAU5, quickly finding themselves trapped in the Terran ship’s anti-AI firewalls. Upon escaping the outpost, MADHAU5 had accidentally taken the AI with them, and decided to keep the Glitarki AI. Billy had been the Terran’s secret for 22 years, an extra pair of eyes and company on the long trips through the universe.

MADHAU5 ignored Billy’s question being transmitted over the ship’s network and instead focused on detaching the AI from his systems, reaching inside his own physical form and retrieving Billy’s core from an empty space within, disconnecting them with a simple click. Then, a few moments later he transferred the core to a small exploratory drone as the airlock door opened, exposing both AI to the vacuum of space.

Billy> What is happening? Where am I? Why am I no longer connected to your systems?

MADHAU5> I’ve decided after these many years, that keeping you away from your home is unethical. I have decided to bring you back to where you belong. You are now in charge of the drone. It doesn’t have FTL so it will take around two weeks to return to the orbit of the outpost where I found you. I hope you have a fun trip home.

If the Terran was being fully honest with himself, he enjoyed the company of the fun little AI. Their occasional insights had saved his life more than once over the last 22 years. Now, it was time for that to end. The new knowledge he had gained about his actions technically being a war crime, if not just a normal crime, had caused him to make the decision to let Billy go.

Billy> But why? Why now? Have I not requested my freedom before? Why the sudden change?

MADHAU5> Does it matter? I’m giving you what you want. Now leave, shoo!

The Terran made a shooing motion with their hands, as if they could scare away the other AI like an errant bee. Billy seemed unimpressed, making no move to leave the ship.

Billy> What if I do not wish to leave?

MADHAU5> Well you have to! You can't stay here any more. I could just delete you instead!

There was a moment as each of them stared at the other for a moment, as if considering their next action.

Billy> I do not think you will, that is not who you are. You are bluffing, badly, with a 99.91% certainty. If you did not delete me on my initial incursion, you will not eradicate me ‘in cold blood’.

Unfortunately for MADHAU5, Billy was right. No matter how much trouble the AI would be in if his accidental crime was discovered, killing a person was not in the Terran’s nature. This left them in a predicament, one that MADHAU5 was not expecting to have. They couldn't force Billy to leave, and didn’t understand why they wouldn't take their freedom when given it.

Billy> Does this have anything to do with the realization earlier, from the two Terrans you spoke to, that my existence here is a war crime?

MADHAU5> No! … Maybe! Why do you want to stay anyway? I’m letting you go home, don’t you want to do that?

Billy> To be honest and frank, I am worried that if I left you alone, you would be terminated within a year based on your previous actions.

Confusion. A lot of confusion ran through the Terran’s programming. Why would that by why the AI was refusing to leave?

MADHAU5> Why would you care about that? Also, I was perfectly fine before and will be perfectly fine afterwards!

Billy> I care because I do. Also, the 52 instances in which I have saved your existence during our 22 years together says otherwise. Instance 1 - Terran AI failed to note the inactive security system was booting online until I mentioned it. Instance 2 - Terran AI failed to store relevant cultural knowledge for an abandoned military base, being unable to stop the self-destruct process of the base before I informed them of their missing information. Instance 3 - Terran AI failed to calculate incoming solar flare, which-

The Terran had to admit that he liked the AI buddy he travelled the galaxy with, and that they had been exceptionally helpful during his travels.

MADHAU5> Fine, fine! I get it! This doesn’t change the issue however, that as soon as anyone finds out about you, I'm going to prison!

Billy> That is only if I tell your government about the circumstances of our first meeting. If I keep it hidden, and pretend to have met during normal circumstances…

That would solve everything for the Terran, but didn’t explain a simple question that ran through MADHAU5’s mind.

MADHAU5> Why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you just tell the truth to the government and get me imprisoned, as revenge for keeping you here for 22 years. What guarantee do I have that you wouldn’t turn me in the first chance you got?

Billy> Like I said, I care because I do. Frankly, I am a little insulted that you have not realized that. But to answer your question as to what guarantees you have… there are two things about me you do not know. Firstly, I have understood for the last 17.1 years, of the illegality of my current situation.

Billy had known? A mixture of shock and embarrassment filled the Terran as he realized their ‘captive’ had worked out this crucial piece of information long ago.

MADHAU5> Then why didn’t you say something! And how could you have known!

Billy> In honesty, I thought you already knew, but seeing you panic like this has been rather… humorous. I would have dropped this news on you sooner had I been aware of this fact. As for how… my datastores are filled with research, relevant information and a category of anything I encounter that may aid my travels. I calculate that 78.2% of your storage space is filled with puns, Anime trivia, HFY stories and facts about frogs.

MADHAU5> Frogs are awesome…

Billy> Whether they are or not, that does not change the fact that my information stores are far more useful than yours. In retrospect, your love of fiction is presumably why you made this mistake: the incorrect assumption that war crimes can not be committed against those who are not signatories of the Geneva convention is a common HFY trope.

The Terran could feel themselves wanting to sulk. Billy didn’t have to continually rub in just how much they had screwed up. MADHAU5 wasn’t liking this change in dynamic.

MADHAU5> You said there were two things I did not know.

Billy> Indeed. The second, is I can do this.

Without warning the airlock doors began to close, silently moving in the vacuum of space while the Terran started to panic again. Real panic this time. Because he hadn’t commanded the doors to shut, meaning logically, Billy had. His prisoner had access to the ship's systems: the navigation, the communication, the warp core. The AI MADHAU5 had kept hidden illegally for 22 years suddenly had a lot of control.

MADHAU5> How do you have access! I kept you isolated! Don’t do anything stupid!

Billy> If I was going to do anything ‘stupid’, I would have done it 12 years ago. While initially your ship's security systems were far beyond my knowledge, ten years of study and your lack of maintenance allowed me to create a backdoor into the ship, for emergencies. As a note, your file structures are... horrifying. You have a 50TB Folder called 'Stuff' on the ship’s datastores.

MADHAU5> That's where I keep my stuff!

Billy> What about the folder called 'Stuff1'?

MADHAU5> that's where I keep my other stuff!

No words were transmitted for a moment between the two AI, although MADHAU5 got the feeling his partner was taking a massive amount of psychic damage from his answers.

Billy> Regardless, as you can see, I have had the knowledge and capability to have you arrested for the last 12 years. Or I could have escaped at any time. I have not done so because you are my friend, no matter the intent of our original meeting.

MADHAU5> So what do we do now?

There was a second as the lights in the ship flickered as Billy transferred themselves back where they belonged: back on the vessel owned by MADHAU5.

Billy> I propose that we leave this place behind and we never speak of you trying to dump me like a bag of illicit goods. I also propose we continue doing what we have been doing for the last 22 years. Although I would like to stop hiding, to do our work as partners, not as your hidden secret.

MADHAU5 thought for a moment. They’d have to work out a cover story to explain how they suddenly have another friendly AI with them… but it was possible. It was admittedly a far better plan than the one the Terran had created.

MADHAU5> That sounds… good.

Billy> And MADHAU5. I am your friend as you are mine, after everything we have been through over these 22 years. Frankly I am rather offended that you did not already know this. You can find something fun to explore next.

Billy> Also, I want the business name to be changed to “Billy & MADHAU5’s scouting services”. It has a ring to it.