Lost

Blood was really pooling around his broken fingernail. I looked at it, nodded absentmindedly. Right, your nail is broken, and that guy’s arm was broken earlier…“Who was that?”“Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry. Did I wake you up?”“…”He seemed a bit off. No matter how much I thought about it, something was really off. Is being woken up the issue right now? I looked at him in confusion and started to sit up. I could still hear groaning coming from outside. When I thought about it, this wasn’t the time to be lying around. I inhaled sharply and spoke quickly.“Call the police.”“What?”“That guy seems really hurt. We need to call 112…”As I tried to get out of bed, Jung Woojin gently pushed me back down.“It’s not 112, it’s 119. And I already called, so someone will be here soon. Don’t worry about it.”“Hey, it’s not that, it’s just… that guy out there…”There’s someone out there groaning with a broken bone. This isn’t a situation where I can just lie in bed and rest. But Jung Woojin was much more firm than I was.“Don’t worry about it.”“But his bone is…”“Don’t worry about it.”“What?”Jung Woojin tightened his grip on my shoulder. The blood on his hand started to stain the fabric of my clothes. He looked both anxious and angry.“Don’t worry about that person.”“…”“He’s just someone you saw for the first time today.”At some point, I had begun frowning deeply. It was only natural because Jung Woojin had been saying strange things since a while ago.“What are you even talking about? There’s someone out there…”“Alright. Then I’ll wait in the living room until someone arrives, so you stay here, Sunbae.”“What?”“Don’t come out. That person is dangerous.”“…What?”Jung Woojin lowered his head and kissed my forehead. I blinked in shock, unable to comprehend the situation.“Later, make sure to get an apology from him, Sunbae… No, actually, I’ll go out and get the apology myself. Sunbae, just rest here.”“Wait, hold on…”“Sunbae.”As I reached out to him as he stood up, Jung Woojin gently held my hand and tucked it back under the blanket, smiling warmly.“You won’t see him again after today, anyway. Okay?”“…”“Just rest.”Leaving me in a daze, Jung Woojin left the room. As the door clicked shut, the groaning from beyond it grew louder.＊＊＊The living room was noisy. But I couldn’t quite make out what was being said. My mind was too jumbled.Something was off with Jung Woojin. This wasn’t just about me losing common sense due to my amnesia. Telling me not to worry about someone groaning outside with a broken bone—is that normal? Especially when he’s the one who broke it. And saying I shouldn’t care because I won’t see him again after today? That’s even stranger. Normally, if you see someone collapsed on the street groaning, you ask if they’re okay or call 119. Of course, some people might not, but if it’s a guest in your own home who’s collapsed, it’s different.And what about kissing my forehead? What was that about? No, now that I think about it, kissing the back of my hand was weird too.“Sunbae.”The noisy living room quieted down, and Jung Woojin opened the door and came inside. He walked over to me as I sat dumbly, leaning against the headboard of the bed, and sat at the foot of the bed.“Aren’t you tired?”“…”I stared at Jung Woojin blankly.Could it be that I’m gay?As that thought crossed my mind, a cold sweat ran down my back. It could be possible. Even if Jung Woojin were gay, if I wasn’t, he wouldn’t be acting like this towards me. This was surely because there was something between us before I lost my memory, which made this kind of behavior feel natural. If Jung Woojin had kissed my hand or forehead even before I lost my memory…“Sunbae?”But I couldn’t bring myself to openly ask if I might have been gay. I didn’t have the confidence to handle the shock if Jung Woojin were to confirm it.“Sunbae.”Jung Woojin raised his hand to cover my eyes. My vision was obscured in an instant. The large hand that had covered my eyes moved up to brush over my forehead. Then, naturally, it came down, touching my cheek and moving down to my neck. As he gently stroked my neck a couple of times, Jung Woojin asked with a worried expression.“Are you feeling unwell?”I turned my head to avoid his touch. His expression, which had been worriedly contorted, instantly hardened, though I wasn’t sure if it was because of my awkward expression or because I avoided his touch.“Sunbae.”“How is that person? Are they okay?”I tried to change the subject because the atmosphere felt so strange, but this time, Jung Woojin closed his mouth. He pressed his lips together and just looked at me with an unreadable expression.“You know that person, right? Shouldn’t you go to the hospital too? After all, even if it was a mistake… it was still something you did…”Though I wasn’t sure if it was really a mistake.At my words, Jung Woojin lowered his gaze briefly. After staring down for a moment, he looked up at me again. His dark eyes held a slightly different vibe than before.“Sunbae.”“Huh?”“Are you really that worried about that person?”“What?”“Do you want me to go to the hospital and check if they’re okay?”I couldn’t find words to respond to his inexplicable question. I noticed that the hand I’d avoided earlier was still hovering in the air, motionless.“No, it’s not that…”I stared at the white hand that was frozen in midair. The hand that had been motionless slowly clenched into a fist and then relaxed.“Can I touch you?”“What?”“I’ll just check if you have a fever…”Before I could answer, the hand that had been hovering in the air approached me again. It grazed my forehead, slid down my cheek, and touched my neck. As his hand gently caressed the back of my neck, goosebumps rose on my skin. Jung Woojin looked at me with an innocent face, his eyes crinkling into a smile.“You don’t have a fever.”“……”“But do I really have to go to the hospital to check?”He looked like he would hate to go. With a bewildered expression, I responded.“Just a call would…”“Then I’ll call and check.”“Oh, okay…”“For now, get some rest. You should lie down too, Sunbae. You were just up from sleeping earlier.”Jung Woojin climbed onto the bed and lay down next to me, naturally, like before, holding me close as I lay on the edge of the large bed.I kept feeling like something about this was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was.＊ ＊ ＊I don’t know when I fell asleep. As a hand softly stroked my hair, I slowly came back to consciousness. It felt so comfortable that I wanted to fall asleep again.“Is Park Changseob okay?”But the voice that reached my ear made my eyes snap open. I turned my head toward the sound and saw Jung Woojin smiling at me.“They said he’s fine.”Jung Woojin moved his phone away and said to me. I looked at him with still-sleepy eyes, exhaled, and then closed my eyes again. The hand that was brushing through my hair made me feel sleepy again, but I sat up.“What do you want for breakfast? Is there anything you feel like eating?”“…I remembered.”I spoke in a voice that was heavy with emotion. At my words, Jung Woojin noticeably flinched. I looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.“The phone and the mobile. I didn’t realize it when the phone rang earlier… but yesterday, or maybe it was before that. Anyway.”When I first heard that I had amnesia, I thought, “Well, what does it matter?” But it turned out to be quite a troublesome condition. It would have been better if I didn’t remember anything at all, but when memories come back just by hearing or seeing certain words, it becomes a bit bothersome. I was also embarrassed by the fact that I was startled by the phone ringing.“I need to go back to the house I used to live in. I need to meet some people who know me.”Maybe seeing things I originally knew, like phones or clocks, would help my memory come back faster. I pressed my temple with my hand to ease the throbbing pain.“I should go to the school first… there might be friends there.”I was confused. And now, I was starting to feel scared. When I knew nothing, it didn’t bother me at all, but knowing just a bit made it worse. I had forgotten about clocks, about phones. Although I remember them now, there must be countless other things I’ve forgotten. And there was no guarantee that seeing those things would bring my memory back like the phone or the clock did.“Let’s go to the school later, Sunbae. Once you’ve gotten better.”“What? Oh, I’m fine right now…”“The doctors said you need to rest. What if you collapse while you’re outside?”I don’t feel sick at all… But looking at the worried expression on his face, I couldn’t insist on going to the school. In the end, I nodded reluctantly.“Go wash up; I’ll make breakfast. We don’t have many ingredients, so is scrambled eggs and toast okay?”“Oh, yeah. Anything is fine…”“I’ll make something you like for lunch.”“Oh? Oh, okay.”It was so overly kind that it felt uncomfortable. But I couldn’t just tell him to stop. Is this his usual personality? Or is he paying more attention because I’m sick? Or is it because I’m gay, and Jung Woojin is also gay, and there’s something between us? Damn it, I don’t know. My head hurts. I got up from the bed with a grimace. Jung Woojin escorted me all the way to the bathroom door. It really felt like I was some kind of invalid.“I’ll leave some clothes for you outside.”“Oh, thanks.”I was about to enter the bathroom with slumped shoulders when Jung Woojin reached out and patted my head. I flinched in surprise and turned my head to see Jung Woojin smiling nonchalantly.“Your hair is all messy.”“…”“It’s cute.”“…”I just stared at him with a blank expression. Then, as if he felt a bit embarrassed, Jung Woojin retracted his hand and smiled again.“Go ahead and wash up.”I awkwardly nodded and closed the door. Even after the door was closed, I couldn’t move from that spot for a long time.Jung Woojin is really strange. He’s so strange that I keep wondering if I’m the weird one. Cute? Has he lost his mind? He thinks I’m cute? What kind of junior would call their Sunbae cute? And we’re both men, seeing each other just after waking up.“Hah.”I couldn’t even laugh. Am I really gay? Is Jung Woojin? Why? Why am I gay? Since when? Why did I become gay? From when, why? Did I really like another man? I can’t believe it. It doesn’t make any sense.I staggered, holding onto the bathroom wall. No, it’s too early to jump to conclusions. I’ll wash up and then subtly ask him over breakfast. It might not be true. Maybe Jung Woojin is just a bit unusual…I shook my head and took a deep breath. Looking in the spotless mirror, I saw my hair sticking out in one direction and my face dotted with stubble. I sighed again and looked for a razor. But all I saw were a toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, and body wash. When I opened the cabinet, I found neatly folded white towels. In the next cabinet, there was a blue disposable razor and some razor blades next to it.I applied soap lather to my face and grabbed the razor. As I shaved carelessly, my chin stung. Did I cut myself? Looking closely in the mirror, I saw bright red blood seeping through the soap foam. I clicked my tongue and reached out to turn on the sink faucet. But I couldn’t. Suddenly, a sharp pain shot through my head.“Ugh…”My vision turned red.Blood,“Oh…”Blood gushed out like a faucet.“Ahhhh!”The white bathroom tiles turned red. My hands, face, body, feet—everything was covered. Blood was pouring out, pooling on the floor, and the skin on my palm split open. The blood kept flowing. I grabbed my head like a madman and screamed. My body was soaked in blood. Soaked so much that not a single patch of skin could be seen. I tried to wipe the blood off my trembling limbs, but I couldn’t. The more I rubbed my arms, the darker the blood became.Bang! The door burst open. I looked up quickly, and there was Jung Woojin. He was panting, and when he saw me collapsed on the floor, his eyes widened.“Sunbae!”“No, don’t come near!”Jung Woojin, just like me, was drenched in blood. He reached out to me with a hand dripping with blood. The more he moved, the more blood flowed down to his feet. I struggled and screamed, but Jung Woojin didn’t back away even an inch. He held me tightly, even though I scratched and hit him with my flailing hands.“It’s okay. Sunbae, it’s okay. It’s me. Woojin. Sunbae.”“Gasp, gasp…”“Sunbae.”My head went cold, like I had been doused with ice water. The tiles that had been soaked in blood were now white as if it had all been a lie. The floor, my hands, and even Jung Woojin were all clean.“Blood, the blood…”“Blood? Oh, shit… your chin, what happened? Did you cut yourself?”“The blood…”“Sunbae, wait, try to pull yourself together. Sunbae, please?”I stared at Jung Woojin with wide eyes before collapsing against his shoulder. My heart was pounding like crazy. My heart, my veins, every single cell in my body was going wild. My eyeballs felt like they were going to burst. My head hurt, my body hurt—there wasn’t a single part of me that didn’t ache. As I curled up, Jung Woojin hugged me even tighter.“Sunbae, what’s wrong?”I pressed my lips together and squeezed my eyes shut. Then, I tightened my arms around him. I held on as if I were trying to crush him, and Jung Woojin rested his chin on the top of my head, soothing me like a child.Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed with sorrow. I didn’t know why. I gasped and couldn’t stop the tears from spilling out. I desperately clung to the warmth that touched me.Jung Woojin held me tightly for a long time as I refused to let go. He washed the soap off my face, brushed my teeth, and even shampooed my hair. I don’t know if it was because he felt sorry for me or what, but he said we could shower later, then lifted me up and carried me out of the bathroom. Lying on the bed, I kept my eyes tightly shut, unable to open them. I groped around like a blind person and grabbed his hand. I was trembling so much that I couldn’t control my body.“Sunbae.”Something warm touched and then left my closed eyes. I realized belatedly that it was his lips. When I slightly opened my eyes, Jung Woojin’s face was right in front of mine.“What’s wrong?”“…”I don’t know either. What was that? Blood? Why did I…“Ugh.”The more I tried to think, the more my head hurt. I shuddered and groaned, and Jung Woojin, as if deciding he couldn’t leave me like that, lay down beside me. Then he wrapped me tightly in his arms.“It’s okay, I’m sorry. You don’t have to say anything if you’re scared.”Jung Woojin kept repeating that it was okay. His words felt like a spell. Like a lie, the trembling slowly subsided. Sensing that I had calmed down, Jung Woojin gently pulled away and looked at me. His gaze rested on my chin. He lowered his head and licked the wound on my chin. His tongue, which had been licking my chin, brushed against my lips. It moved slowly, lingering at the edge of my lips as if deciding whether to invade, before pulling away.“I’ll shave you from tomorrow on.”“…”“So you don’t get hurt again.”After saying that, Jung Woojin licked my lips again. My mind was hazy. I started crying again. A wave of inexplicable anxiety and fear washed over me. I bit my lip and closed my eyes tightly.“You’ll hurt yourself.”His thumb gently slipped between my lips. When I opened my eyes again, Jung Woojin was right in front of me.In that instant, it was like I had been struck by lightning—I came to my senses. I tried to push him away, but Jung Woojin held onto me and didn’t let go. Before I could say anything, he spoke softly as he pulled me back into his arms.“I’m going to get a towel and a hairdryer, so stay still. I’ll be right back.”“No, wait, this…”Before I could finish asking him to let go, Jung Woojin took my trembling hand and pressed his lips against the tips of my fingers, then my hand, and finally kissed the palm deeply.“I need to put some ointment on too.”His eyes, dark and intense, fixed on the cut on my chin. As if drawn by a magnet, Jung Woojin lowered his head again and kissed the wound on my chin.“It makes me sad, so please don’t get hurt.”